Monday, September 11, 2017

If You Didn't Watch the Miss America Pageant Last Night Then You Are Living a Goddamn Lie

Google Image search: "Miss America's freshly shaved armpits."

Yeah yeah yeah, we get it, Hurricane Irma hit and destroyed a bunch of homes and killed a bunch of people and it's also 9/11 and we'll all #neverforget and black lives matter and Colin Kaepernick died but omg get over it51 chicks were on TV last night strutting around in bikinis and high heels and if you didn't think I would blog about it then you clearly have no idea how the human male penis works.

Normally I would've taken notes and come up with a whole theme for this post, but it's honestly amazing that I still remember the password to this blog. So I'm just gonna share the four most bonkers things that happened last night because I don't even come close to caring about you or this website.

Let's go.

Miss South Carolina...

... knows everything about aliens.

Pretty incredible considering that literally no one in the world knows anything about aliens.


Not one thing.

And there is not one scientist, not one professor, not one NASA ASTRONAUT whose job is to EXPLORE THE UNIVERSE who has ever uncovered any information on aliens whatsoever... but Miss South Carolina knows everything about them.


Miss New Jersey on the other hand...

... can eat fire.

She can eat fire.

Miss New Jersey can eat fire.

And yet she decided that for the talent portion of the show she would be puttin' on the ritz instead of swallowing a goddamn North Korean nuclear missile. Also, I'm no alien expert, but I'm pretty sure that eating fire is not even a thing. Like, you can't do that. You can eat nachos. You can eat a doorknob. But you can't actually eat and digest a giant ball of flames.

Or maybe you can?

What do I know?

I got a D in high school biology and I'm not even sure if eating fire would fall under the umbrella of studying biology. Is it chemistry? I think it might be both. I also think that I just figured out what biochemistry is. Be honest do you think I'm the smartest person who has ever lived? BE HONEST.

And helloooooooooooo, Miss Pennsylvania! 

Forget about the saxophone.


Nothing says "crown me America's ultimate sweetheart" quite like a Hillary Rodham Clinton #pantsuit. They should've just given her the title right then and there.

And then snatched it off her nasty ass head, because...

Just your standard, run-of-the-mill, double yodeling ventriloquist. 

Sadly, I couldn't find Miss Louisiana's performance from last night on YouTube (probably because Chris Harrison's an asshole), but I did find a different Miss Louisiana (from 1988) who was ALSO a ventriloquist.

Also Dak Prescott threw for 268 yards and a touchdown to lead the Cowboys past the Giants and a few guys got brain injuries that will probably lead them to one day blow their brains out.