Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The Bachelorette: Breaking Down the Micropeens

I do not talk about this man once in this post. Not once. 

A chick I know recently had her heart ripped out, stepped all over and thrown against a refrigerator. In the months since her ex-boyf broke up with her, she has contemplated sui, experimented with essential oils and downloaded various sex apps on her telephone.

She now has three rules when it comes to dating:

1. No cats
2. No Samsung Galaxies
3. No micropenises

Sadly, the producers of The Bachelorette do not have the same set of standards. This season, they chose to cast the biggest bunch of bozos we've ever seen on this show (including one guy who wore a #vest).

So, even though the only thing I hate more than this TV show is this blog, I figured I'd rank these new contestants based on the size of their micro peens. Because if there's one thing in this world I know about, it's other men's dicks.

Let's rank them from macro to micro, starting with:

Fred (legit hammer cock)

Real one.

I don't care how many brothers Josiah had to cut down from trees, nothing can be more traumatizing than growing up with the name Fred. What an amazing, hilarious thing to call a person. Dogs are named Fred. Car mechanics are named Fred. Fred Flintstone is named Fred. I can guarantee that Fred has a huge, huge dick. I know this because he is black.


Literally Every Other Black Guy (totally normal-sized peens for black guys)

Hi guys. 

Three hundred years of persecution. Thousands upon thousands of dope dance moves. And six full seasons of Martin. Yet, all it took was 20 minutes of this show to shatter my lifelong belief that black people are naturally cool.

The guy who kept licking his lips? Nope. Could not handle him. The grown man who calls himself Diggy? Stop it. I liked Larry the wrestler. And the dude who constantly talked shit. But even Josiah -- and yes, very sad, very very sad about Josiah -- but dude, you don't need to tell us your whole life story on day one. Save a little something for next week. Save a little something for when you're about to be sent home. And after all that, after that judge gave you a second chance and saved your life and steered you away from a life of crime... you went and became a lawyer?

My friend Kenny Rosenbaum is a lawyer. There's nothing special about being a lawyer. Lawyers wear shirts, with buttons, and go to work and be boring. I thought Josiah was gonna say that he went on to do something that actually mattered. Like started a nonprofit for the homeless. Or resurrected the civil rights movement. Or played small forward for the Pistons. But no, he's just another stiff who wears slacks. Nice guy though. As is Kenny Rosenbaum. If you're reading this Kenny, hi Kenny.

Rachel's Dog (dog dick)

Nice doggie.

This dog definitely has a dog dick. I can tell because he is a dog.

Also, ABC dedicated three separate segments to a guy named Jamey, but only gave Ruffles 15 seconds of airtime? Unacceptable.


Guy Who Wore a Fireman Outfit (slightly above average sized dork)

I hate writing this blog so so much.

I'm sorry, anyone who has the confidence to wear a double-breasted fireman suit must be packing heat. Because I have never, not once, not ever ever ever, met a cool fireman. I know that people think they exist. I've seen the shirtless calendars. I remember after 9/11 when the NYFD guys were going on Ellen's show and being all brave and stuff. But firemen, EMTs, dudes who are into anime, bloggers: all 100%, USA-grade, certifiable micropeens.


The Colombian Guy (cold, refrigerated, pre-cooked hot dog)

You can almost feel how cold and wet that dog is from the pic, can't you?

I appreciate this guy going on national television and taking his tongue and touching it against a black woman's tongue, but anyone who acts that aggressively must be overcompensating for something. This man is nothing special. Also, when kisses Rachel on the cheek he makes a stupid "mwah" sound and my wife can't stand when people do that and I support her in every way possible so I officially LOATHE him.


Whablammo Guy (Mike and Ike)

What is that right-shoulder lean/dip move?
And why are those Mike and Ike's so blurry?
And why would I possibly care?

Obviously I hated this guy, but I also didn't hate him. But I hated him. But I also didn't. But I did.  Like, I want him to be murdered, but I don't hate him. But I do. My wife had to walk out of the room when he came on screen. I kinda liked him. But I still want him to die the most horrific painful death imaginable.


Blake the Physical Trainer who Claims to Have a Golden Dick (Combo)

I can't.

Somehow, this dude was more embarrassing than the Whablam guy.

Quick side note: You can totally tell when I've had enough of writing this stuff, because it just becomes one-line answer-city. Let it be known, you are now entering one-line-answer city.

Another side note: Update on my boner potion that I'm taking. For those of you who didn't read my last post, my friend Guitar Jr. recently sent me some boner potion that is supposed to be "The Viagra of the Amazon." I am currently on Day 4 of taking the potion (three times a day) and I miiiiiiiiight be starting to feel the effects. Not that I'm walking around all day with a full-fledged jackhammer, but I did wake up this morning harder than Chinese arithmetic. So I've got that goin' for me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blorg post.

Jonathan the Tickle Monster (Tic Tac)

I've never.

Clearly this guy is on the spectsh, right?

I am not a violent person (mainly because I have zero muscle tone on my body), but if a grown man were to ever have me close my eyes, stick my hands out and then tickle my rib cage, I would slug him in the face with a stapler. This man is certifiable.


Chris Harrison (slimy, shriveled-up mushroom)

Google image search: "Soggy, Wet Mushroom"

At one point in the show on the show on Monday, Chris Harrison referred to After the Final Rose as "AFR."


Guy who told Rachel "I wanna go black and never go back" (inverted turtle head that literally sits inside his own asshole)


Yo. Fuck this guy.





This song, entitled "Coffee," is a certified banger. When I played it for my friend, Hart (and keep in mind, the hook goes "black coffee no sugar no cream black coffee no sugar no cream"), he thought it was actually about coffee. Turns out it's not. Take a listen and see if you can find the deeper meaning. Hint: It's about having sex with a black man. 

See you next week. 

Maybe.

30 comments:

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      DIVORCE AND MARITAL BREAKTHROUGH

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  10. Effective Love Spell To Get Back Your Ex Within 48 Hours: Fast And Read Through Dr. Trust Website Now. http://utimatespellcaster.com

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    ReplyDelete

  11. Effective Love Spell To Get Back Your Ex Within 48 Hours: Fast And Read Through Dr. Trust Website Now. http://utimatespellcaster.com

    Hi everyone, I was going crazy when my husband breakup with me and left me for another woman!! All thanks to Dr Trust the best love spell caster online that helped me to bring back my husband today and restore happiness in my marriage.. My husband breakup with me and left me to be with another woman, and i wanted him back. I was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again, I love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman and this makes him break up with me so that he can be able to get married to the other lady and this lady i think use witchcraft on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled-for, I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to get back my husband!! I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Trust can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 48 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much, Oh My God! i was so happy, and today i am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one big family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr.Trust, he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr.Trust is best and good spell caster online. if you are here and your lover is turning you down, or your husband or wife moved to another person, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster Dr.Trust on his email at:

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    ReplyDelete
  12. MY HUSBAND IS BACK AFTER TWO YEARS OF BREAKUP...I AM SO HAPPY
    Hello everyone my name is Rose Carmody from Australia, i came across this man called Dr. Ugo Wonders through a Lady here online and she said he helped her bring back her lost love,i don't believe in this but i come to think about it and use faith and hope to contact this man last 2 weeks,i have lost my husband for 2 years even he is trying to get married to another lady in Sydney, Australia..i quickly rush and email Dr. Ugo Wonders for help and i thought its still a freak because i don't really believe he can bring him back to me because its too long we have contacted each other,we only comment on each other status on facebook and when ever he come online he has never talk anything about coming back to me,now i really believe that there is Magic and Dr. Ugo Wonders is a really God sent and has Magic because all these things is still like a dream to me,Dr.Ugo told me in the first mail that everything will be fine,i called him and he assured me. i had so many doubt but now am happy. i can't believe my love broke up with this lady and he is back to me and he can't even explain how everything goes all he said to me is that he want my love back,i am really happy. I cried so much because it was just like i am born a new and am really happy and my entire family are happy for me but they never know whats the secret behind this...i want you all divorce lady or single mother to please contact this man for help and everything will be fine i really guarantee you..i have told 2 of my friends who are in unhappy relationship and they have seen solution in few days ago...if you want to contact him you can reach him through his email at generalspelltemple@gmail.com or his mobile number on +1 386-336-9876 that is where you can get to him and i assure you it gonna work fine with you and you will be happy
    i am out of words am just happy and i will be happy forever because i can never have any problem having this man. once again you can contact Dr. Ugo Wonders on generalspelltemple@gmail.com or his mobile number on +1 386-336-9876
    Rose is my Name

    ReplyDelete
  13. MY HUSBAND IS BACK AFTER TWO YEARS OF BREAKUP...I AM SO HAPPY
    Hello everyone my name is Rose Carmody from Australia, i came across this man called Dr. Ugo Wonders through a Lady here online and she said he helped her bring back her lost love,i don't believe in this but i come to think about it and use faith and hope to contact this man last 2 weeks,i have lost my husband for 2 years even he is trying to get married to another lady in Sydney, Australia..i quickly rush and email Dr. Ugo Wonders for help and i thought its still a freak because i don't really believe he can bring him back to me because its too long we have contacted each other,we only comment on each other status on facebook and when ever he come online he has never talk anything about coming back to me,now i really believe that there is Magic and Dr. Ugo Wonders is a really God sent and has Magic because all these things is still like a dream to me,Dr.Ugo told me in the first mail that everything will be fine,i called him and he assured me. i had so many doubt but now am happy. i can't believe my love broke up with this lady and he is back to me and he can't even explain how everything goes all he said to me is that he want my love back,i am really happy. I cried so much because it was just like i am born a new and am really happy and my entire family are happy for me but they never know whats the secret behind this...i want you all divorce lady or single mother to please contact this man for help and everything will be fine i really guarantee you..i have told 2 of my friends who are in unhappy relationship and they have seen solution in few days ago...if you want to contact him you can reach him through his email at generalspelltemple@gmail.com or his mobile number on +1 386-336-9876 that is where you can get to him and i assure you it gonna work fine with you and you will be happy
    i am out of words am just happy and i will be happy forever because i can never have any problem having this man. once again you can contact Dr. Ugo Wonders on generalspelltemple@gmail.com or his mobile number on +1 386-336-9876
    Rose is my Name

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Everyone
    I was so devastated when my wife of so many years asked for a Divorce. In the last 7 months, things between us has been stagnant. so then she had her priorities changed and she wants to focus fully on her career only and not on this Marriage. I love my wife to death and I took my vowels very seriously. I asked her to go for marriage counciling and she said No.
    We have 4 kids. We agreed to a 2 month break and try to work things out after that. Some of the problems we face are not having our own place to live and may be debt pile up. I really want things to work. The hurt that I feel is killing me and I’m to the point where I don’t eat and rarely drink anything.one day i was online and there was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called Silvia Soulez ,she testified about how Dr .Goodluck brought back her Ex lover in less than 17 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop Dr .Goodluck e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give Dr .Goodluck a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problems to him. In just the space of 17hours, my wife came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. Dr .Goodluck is really a talented and gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man…If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great Dr .Goodluck today, he will be the answer to your problems. Here’s his contact:
    Email him at: goodluck05spellcaster@gmail.com ,
    Call him or add him on whats-app: +2348138654465
    Or on His website: http://drgoodluck.simplesite.com/

    He can help with a pranancy spell
    He can help cure HIV
    Help in getting Love back
    Finding your Soul Mate for life
    And so many more...

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  15. TESTIMONY ON HOW MY HUSBAND WHO LEFT ME, CAM BACK TO ME.

    My name is NORA CHRISTIAN.i want to give thanks to Dr ISIKOLO for bringing back my ex husband.No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m about to write would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker) that Trust is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person,It was one of the best things I have ever done. My love life was in shambles; I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn't face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he brake up with me again.I was confuse and do not no what to do again,rather them to get in contact with Dr ISIKOLO. He did a love spell that make my husband come back to me. we are now very much happy with our self. Dr ISIKOLO make him to realize how much we love and need each other.This man is for REAL and for good.he can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back! It was like a miracle! He suddenly wanted to go to marriage counseling, and we’re doing very, very well,in our love life.contact email isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com OR whatsapp +2348133261196

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  16. Author: Julian Caden
    Topic: Pregnant at 52 after reunion love spell
    Testimony:
    -My marriage was falling almost dead due to a bit argument, depression, feelingless and numbed attitudes of my Hubby, he preferred being silent so as to hurt me.
    -Although there’re days he has been fine and good to me, we cook, eat and do things together, but we still like stepping on a dozen of eggs, we were not at ease as like before when our marriage was still in an excellent shape. Most times after saying some hurtful words to me like; I cannot bear his children anymore cos of my age. He says sorry and apologize cos he knows that he’s acting passive, numbed and feelingless to me and frustration hits him back again and again.
    -I truly love my Hubby and feels guilty of our misfortune, I have always wanted to trace back my wrongs and make some amendments so we can live as a happy family with our children by our side. I was tired of seeing him hurt inside.
    -He eventually served me with a divorce letter after 18 years of our blessed marriage. His reason was that we could never work things out together again, I couldn’t bear his children, shutting him off to be involved in my life and affairs, he feels numbed when he thinks of those circumstances.
    -I was deeply hurt before consulting Dr. Wakina Love Temple, even though I tried day by day to adjust to the woman of his choice but he didn’t see my efforts.
    -At the end, I was put in a better position with my Hubby by Dr. Wakina love spell via his email dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com. I’m 7 months pregnant already at 52. It’s a magical work of Dr. Wakina that restored our dream.

    ReplyDelete
  17. How i get my ex girlfriend back:I need help in my relationship check on Dr Trust website and contact him now http://utimatespellcaster.com/love.html

    I"m Corey Edward from US Florida..This is my testimony on how my ex girlfriend come back home..i want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to Dr. Trust for bringing back my lover who left me. One day as i was browsing searching on the internet for recommend spell caster who will help me to bring my Ex Girlfriend back,Finally i met a writing how so many testimony talking about Dr. Trust who restore relationship back,so i email him and he cast the love spell,luckily within 24 hours my Girlfriend really called me and started apologizing for all she had caused me.and begging me to accept her back and we are living happily and our relationship is now very strong, I am the happiest man on earth today because Dr. Trust has done a wonderful deeds,my Gf now love and respect me. Email him for your relationship help. Or check on him on his website for others testimonies of his client. http://utimatespellcaster.com/love.html

    Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com

    WhatApp or Call him: +2348156885231

    ReplyDelete
  18. URGENT LOVE-SPELL TO GET YOUR EX BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND BACK FAST.
    I'm so excited. I cant believe it! My ex-boyfriend is back after our break-up, I’m extremely happy that we are living together again.. My boyfriend of 4 years cheated and acted as if it was my fault. We broke up but I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him!. my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my bf.. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, i was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr.Unity can help get ex back fast and stop a divorce. So, I felt I should give him a try...
    I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a URGENT LOVE-SPELL for me. 11hours later, my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my bf are living together happily again..
    All thanks to Dr Unity. If you have any problem contact Dr.Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact. Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
    you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 , you can also visit his website:https://unitysspelltemple.blogspot.com ,I am Sheila Patrick from San Francisco, California.God bless you Dr Unity.

    ReplyDelete
  19. how i got my ex boyfriend back after a break-up.
    I'm Alvin Lee 21 yr old from UK,
    My boyfriend left me when i was 7months pregnant. A week after he left, I found out he was dating someone who posted a picture of him kissing her in facebook and that she “loves this man”. I am sick to my stomach. I want him back I do not want to be apart much less separated. I love my boyfriend and I want to fight for him. I’m so scared of losing him. i knew my boyfriend and i also know that some thing else was involve on this, when i found out that this Girl use a Black magic spell on my boyfriend just to take him away from me, i was so devastating this as a result also destroyed my heart and soul because i love my boyfriend and i really want to get back with him i have seek for different counselling, nor could work out for me so i started given up on my boyfriend because there was no hope on getting back with him. one faithful night after my work,, I searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested Dr.Unity can help get ex back fast, restore broken relationships and stop a divorce. So, I felt I should give him a try.
    I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do, and i did it and he did a {love spell} for me. 11hours later, my boyfriend called me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. Thank you Dr Unity for saving my broken relationships and brought my boyfriend back to me!"..
    Me and my boyfriend are living together happily again. Dr.Unity is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact..Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app:+2348071622464,or view his website:https://unitysspelltemple.blogspot.com.

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  20. I AM SO HAPPY DR TRUST, MY HUSBAND IS BACK.

    I completely trusted Dr Trust totally from the time I spoke with him during the period my husband Left me after 11 years of our marriage, He started the spell work on my husband, and gave me so much assurance and guaranteed me that he was going to bring my husband back to my feet in just 48 hours of the spell casting. I was so confident in his work and just as he said in the beginning, my husband is finally back to me again, yes he is back with all his hearts, Love, care, emotions and flowers and things are better now. I would have no hesitation to recommend this powerful spell caster to anybody who is in need of help.. E-mail Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com his website: https://utimatespellcaster.com

    WhatApp or call him +2348156885231

    Do accept my gratitude sir.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This is Dr. Wakina’s season, the season he restores joy, peace and prosperity to broken relationships/marriages. He is the one and only spiritual healing doctor that has the power to do unimaginable things with his email:- dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com. With big faith and trust I have on Doctor I got results 7days after some inspirational spell cast that brought my husband back and made him realize his mistake for leaving us because of misunderstanding we usually had because of his affairs with his concubine. He realized after the spell that no woman is prettier than me or any woman that can love, care and satisfy him like I do. He realized he has a beautiful and promising family.
    I was not afraid contacting Dr. Wakina because I know he is one of the genuine spell doctors that can bring back my better half without negative effects. I am exited you read this wonderful testimony from a happy wife and mother. I pray and wish unending joy, peace and prosperity in your relationship/marriage… cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hello I'm Alexandria, I read some testimonies about a love spell caster by Dr.Unity on how he has helped lots of people in bringing back their ex lovers within some hours, Sincerely I was just thinking if that was real and if this man could really help bring back my lover whom I love so much. I decided to contact him because I love my boyfriend very much and we have been apart for a couple of months I really missed him so much, I have tried all other means to get him back but couldn’t.I contacted Dr.Unity and he told me that my ex will come back to me in the next 11 hours, Dr.Unity released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. My ex is now back to me again.As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest lady on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up.All thanks goes to GOD and Dr.Unity for the excessive work that he has done for me by helping me to get back with my ex boyfriend. I would like to drop Dr.Unity mail address and hope you see this testimony and contact him if you have any problem and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact..
    Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
    you can also call him or add him on whats-app:+2348071622464,
    or view his website:https://unitysspelltemple.blogspot.com.

    ReplyDelete