|Yo, check out Rowdy Gaines!|
Holy fucking shit.
We did it. After five days of sitting on our couches, we are all now experts on synchronized diving.
“Aw man, gotta tuck the leg there or it’s a six tenths deduction.”
This is a car commercial.
“That's a nice car.”
On Wednesday, I overheard a woman at Jiffy Lube call Michael Phelps the “most decorated athlete of all time.” And while that’s true, and she is using the proper nomenclature, only a person who takes their car to Jiffy Lube would use that kind of nomenclature. (And only a person who writes the world's dumbest blog would use a word like nomenclature.)
But that's ok!
Because people are into the olympics! And that's fun for everyone. So seeing as I am a horrible, horrible person (who completely made up that story about Jiffy Lube), might as well make fun of some stuff.
This fucking guy
|bracelets dot com|
Ugh, we get it, dude. You're proud of your wife. And don't get me wrong, she's incredible. But always with the screaming and the flexing and the the pure unadulterated joy? It's disgusting. Also, you gotta wonder why he's ALWAYS alone in the crowd, without friends, without family. I mean, you don't really have to wonder, do you? It's pretty obvious: it's the man bun and OH MY GOD I just noticed that he also has a cross hanging around his neck. Let's end this paragraph exactly how we started it. Ugh.
Aron Baynes's Hair
|Anyone happen to have a Getty Images password I can borrow?|
Aye aye ayeeeeeeee. Aron, what are you doing? I mean, we know what you're doing. You're doing something outrageous to distract us from your insecurities, and some other part of your bod that you're not comfortable with. The bushy beard. The twirly bird haircut. I understand. I do this every day -- with my glasses and my funky sneakers -- all in an effort to take attention away from my 47-inch dork (which I conveniently cram inside my own asshole at all times).
What the freak is 361º?
You're not gonna believe this, but you're about to get some real, actual information from TVMWW. 361º is a Chinese sporting goods company and the official uniform provider of the 2016 olympics. The brand started in 2003 (that's not interesting, I don't know why I included that) and lists its main rival as that Li Ning company, the Chinese shoe brand that sponsors Dwyane Wade and Evan Turner and no matter how many times you type the words Dwyane Wade into a computer that D-W-Y move will throw you off every time. Anyway, the 361º refers to "meeting the athlete's needs for professional functionality, plus an added degree of innovation and creativity," which is probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard but then again here I am writing a blog while the Chinamen who started 361º are ROLLIN IN YUANS (it's Chinese currency! I looked it up!).
Swimmers wear sneakers?
Honestly, I'm ready for a little something more out of the swimmers when they're announced before the race. A couple of British dudes have done stuff -- I saw one guy dab -- but it's time to ham it up, do the Hulk Hogan hand-to-your-ear thing, raise the roof, lick your own nipples, lick someone else's nipples, chop off your nipples...do SOMETHING.
How bout those little diver dudes with their little bathing suits? Have you ever seen more defined pelvic bones?
After 4.2 billion years on Earth, men are finally showing more skin than women. I remember some chick I hooked up with in college told me that her favorite part of a man was where the pelvic bone met the hip. I'll tell you what, I gave her my pelvic bone! No I didn't. I massaged her feet for like an hour and then threw up in a trash can. Once again, this story is like 34% true (basically I once heard a girl say the word "pelvic bone").
Ryan Seacrest, my man, there can't be one person on this earth who has actually logged onto Facebook Live to see what the fuck you're up to.
That being said, I support you.
I apologize for not talking about Aly Raisman's butt or men's indoor volleyball (which is by far my favorite sport) or Rowdy Goddamn Gaines, but I gotta go do some stuff!
Track and Field starts tonight!
Hit it, Ja!