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Nice head. |
This past Tuesday (or Monday, or it could've been Sunday, I dunno, I can't be held responsible for remembering these types of things), French hurdler Wilhem Belocian false-started in the opening heat of the 110-meter hurdles and was immediately disqualified from the event—ending his Olympics experience before it even started.
If you didn't see Wilhelm's gaff, you can watch the clip here. Or you can just skip it entirely. Doesn't matter to me what you do. I already got your pageview, and in the world of #blogging, that's all that counts.
But poor, poor Wilhelm. It was so sad. And pathetic. And he knew he screwed up the second he heard that buzzer, proceeding to flarf around in a haze of disbelief, with his hands on his head, wondering how he let that happen. Then, as he made his way off the track, he just crumbled to the ground, crying and slamming his fists in frustration. Embarrassed, ashamed, with no one to blame but himself.
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Pageviews.R.E.A.M. |
Wilhelm's false start epitomized that whole ABC Wide World of Sports agony of defeat thing perfectly. You know, when that ski jumper wiped out and plummeted 50 feet to his death. But this was worse. because at least that guy died. Wilhelm now has to go back to France and explain himself to his idiot friends and family.
SOME DUDE WILHELM WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH WHO NOW HANGS OUT AT THE 7-11 IN DOWNTOWN LYON: Wilhelm? That you?
WILHELM: Nope. My name is Claude. Claude Giroux.
SOME DUDE: Yoooooooo, Wilhelm! What's poppin' mon ami? It's me, Carl! Carl DeLafleuve!
WILHELM: Oh, hey Carl.
SOME DUDE: Yo, didn't I see you in the news recently?
WILHELM: All right, Carl. Catch ya later my man.
SOME DUDE: Yes. Yes! You were in the Olympics!
WILHELM: Great seeing you, Carl! Hit me up on LinkedIn, aight?!
SOME DUDE: That is so cool, man. That is just so, so cool. The motherfreakin' Olympics! Pole vault, right? I don't know how you guys do that, just run down the track and then BOING.
WILHELM: Hurdles actually.
SOME DUDE: Yes! Hurdles. That's right. Run and jump. Run and jump. Dude, that must be exhilarating.
WILHELM: Yeah, I'm gonna walk out of this store now, Carl.
SOME DUDE: I remember in high school you were ALL ABOUT IT. Like, with the training. Constantly, with the training. I remember asking you to come out with us and you were always like, "Sorry, bro. I gotta wake up at 4am to train."
WILHELM: It was 5:30, but ...
SOME DUDE: And we were like, "DUDE. We got these Dominican chicks lookin to wile out."
WILHELM: I'm an early riser in general, soooo, 5. 5:30. Anywhere in the 5 o'clock hour really.
SOME DUDE: I slept with four women that night!
WILHELM: I sleep in a hyperbolic chamber.
SOME DUDE: You'd always be eating that broccoli, too. So much broccoli. What'd we used to call you? Broccoli Boy?
WILHELM: It was asparagus.
SOME DUDE: BROCOLLI BOYYYYYYYYYY!!!
WILHELM: Yep.
SOME DUDE: I always doubted you man. But you showed me. Wow. The Olympics. How'd you end up doing in Rio by the way?
WILHELM: What are you doing these days, Carl? Still selling life insurance?
SOME DUDE: Baguettes. Baguettes and pastries. But who cares about me, man? You raced at the Olympics! What's it like? How's it feel to RACE? To be out there, in the blocks, nervous as hell, knowing you worked your whole life for this moment. And then BOOM! Off with the wind.
WILHELM: That's a very good question, actually.
SOME DUDE: You get that medal, dawg? You get that medal? How'd you finish up?
WILHELM: Well, it's not about how you finish, is it?
SOME DUDE: Good point. Good point. It's about the COMPETITION. It's about leaving everything you have out on that track. About the sacrifice. The determination. And just running -- and jumping! lol, can't forget about the jumping!
WILHELM: Sometimes you can forget about the jumping.
SOME DUDE: Hahahaha, yeah. Fuck the jumping!
WILHELM: It was asparagus.
SOME DUDE: BROCOLLI BOYYYYYYYYYY!!!
WILHELM: Yep.
SOME DUDE: I always doubted you man. But you showed me. Wow. The Olympics. How'd you end up doing in Rio by the way?
WILHELM: What are you doing these days, Carl? Still selling life insurance?
SOME DUDE: Baguettes. Baguettes and pastries. But who cares about me, man? You raced at the Olympics! What's it like? How's it feel to RACE? To be out there, in the blocks, nervous as hell, knowing you worked your whole life for this moment. And then BOOM! Off with the wind.
WILHELM: That's a very good question, actually.
SOME DUDE: You get that medal, dawg? You get that medal? How'd you finish up?
WILHELM: Well, it's not about how you finish, is it?
SOME DUDE: Good point. Good point. It's about the COMPETITION. It's about leaving everything you have out on that track. About the sacrifice. The determination. And just running -- and jumping! lol, can't forget about the jumping!
WILHELM: Sometimes you can forget about the jumping.
SOME DUDE: Hahahaha, yeah. Fuck the jumping!
WILHELM: So Carl, you don't know where I can get a shotgun around here, do you?
SOME DUDE: "HERE COMES WILHELM! FLYIN DOWN THE TRACK!"
WILHELM: To blow my brains out. That's why I want to get a shotgun. To blow my brains out all over this parking lot.
SOME DUDE: Aw man. Great seeing you, Wil. I know you're modest as hell, but I'm gonna go home now and pull your race up on YouTube.
WILHELM: I mean there has to be a shotgun store around here somewhere.
SOME DUDE: Wait, I can probably just watch it right now on my phone!
WILHELM: Wellllllllll, probably best on an actual computer. Bigger screen. No buffering.
SOME DUDE: No no no, I'll pull it up right now.
WILHELM: I FALSE-STARTED, OK?!
(silence)
WILHELM: I jumped the gun! I got disqualified.
(silence)
WILHELM: I jumped the gun! I got disqualified.
(more silence)
WILHELM: I didn't even get to race. I did nothing.
WILHELM: I didn't even get to race. I did nothing.
(sounds of little French birds chirping in the background)
WILHELM: I literally didn't do anything. I took a plane ride to Rio. Walked around for a little. And then flew back.
(so many birds)
SOME DUDE: Damn.
(cheep cheep cheep)
SOME DUDE: You wanna go fuck some Dominican chicks with me?
(so many birds)
SOME DUDE: Damn.
(cheep cheep cheep)
SOME DUDE: You wanna go fuck some Dominican chicks with me?
WILHELM: Ugh, I can't. I chopped my dick off immediately after the race.
SOME DUDE: You can borrow one of my extra dicks. I'll give you a loaner.
WILHELM: GR8!