Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The Bachelorette: Will JoJo Be the First Bachelorette to Bang FOUR DUDES Instead of Three?!


This show is so goddamn disgusting.


First of all, I'm not calling hometown dates "hometowns." That's not even a word. And you don't get to become a world famous local online celebrity/television personality by using words that aren't words. You get to be one by talking about people fucking.

Besides, that's what hometown dates are all about. They're about JoJo choosing who she wants to fuck -- because anyone who makes it to next week gets to fuck a person on national television. Actually, three people. JoJo gets to fuck three people next week on three consecutive nights. That's called a "triple bing-bong."

It was bullshit of Chris Harrison to postpone the rose ceremony for another week, but it doesn't matter because nothing matters because Scott Baio was the featured celebrity speaker at last night's Republican National Convention. Also, we already know who JoJo is picking (to have sex with).

Forget about the smokescreen with Luke, she's going to fuck Luke. No two human beings have ever had as much intense raw passion when they kiss as those two. They're going to have a great time fucking. I'm happy for them.

Aaron Rodgers' brother is gonna make it through to the fuck round too, only because why wouldn't you want to have sex with Aaron Rodgers' brother. God bless him.

Mr. Boringpants is too boring to fuck. Besides, his dad has a goatee.

And Robbie the Blow-drying Blow-dry Guy has rock-hard abs, so JoJo will want to fuck him as well -- just so she can taste those rock-hard abs, getting on her hands and knees in front of him, hovering over his stomach, letting little dabs of spit trickle down into his stomach crevices, and then taking her nipples and slowwwwwwwly dragging them over his skin, watching the saliva stretch from his abs to her nips, while Scott Baio's 2003 movie Dumb Luck plays in the background, which you can watch now for only $2.99 on Amazon Video.

Good doggie.

Honestly, I'm a little surprised that Aaron Rodgers' brother is still in the mix. The guy admitted last week that he's a picky eater. And then this week he takes JoJo to his old high school?! Ugh, if I were to take a lady to my old high school, it'd be like:

"Okay, this is the bathroom where me and Jamie Schwager used to take a shit. And this is the bathroom where a kid once took a shit on the floor. And this is the bathroom where I used to wash my dick in the sink just in case Lisa Gramberg wanted to give me a hum-job after school (she didn't). Great school, huh?! Let's go check out the metal shop. I gotta take a shit!"

I guess the real benefit of hometown dates is getting to meet the families, and deciding who has the most blatant case of mental illness. When my wife and I were first dating, and it was getting pretty serious (fucking), she asked her mom what was truly important when looking for a spouse. Her mom said "finding a man whose family doesn't have a history of mental illness." Seriously. That was it. That was the only thing that mattered. Turns out, the Monskys turned out squeaky clean on that one!

TAKE THAT, EVERYONE I'VE EVER MET.

Of all the people we met last night, besides the guy with the goatee, it seems like Robbie the Blowdrying Blow-dry Guy might have the most screwed up family. So dramatic. So Florida. And owners of this sassy umbrella!

Shoulders so wet. 

Plus, after JoJo told Robbie's mom that she was falling in love with him, and "not to tell anyone," Robbie's mom went right to the camera and spilled the beans. That woman is a maniac. Did you see she was wearing a half zip-up blue fleece? Or wait, that was Captain Boringpants' mom. Either way, nutso boom buttso.

The only ones who came out looking good last night were Luke's horses. Those were some truly beautiful beasts.

Maybe that Argentinian dude from last week will fuck them.



That guy might actually be Scott Baio.


8 comments:

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