Wednesday, June 15, 2016

O.J.: Made in America Part Deux -- Piece of Shit Power Rankings and my Top 5 Favorite People in this Doc (so far)

This movie was called A KILLING AFFAIR!

OJ Simpson is a piece of shit.

There were a bunch of other takeaways from O.J.: Made in America Part Deux -- like OJ Simpson being a complete piece of shit, and OJ Simpson being a total toilet piece of shit, and the fact that ESPN (a station that at one point in time broadcasted lumberjack competitions) showed footage of a teenage girl getting SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND KILLED -- but the ultimate takeaway from last night was that OJ Simpson is an abusive, womanizing, egomaniacal, insecure piece of shit who murdered his ex-wife and her Jewish boyf in a jealous rage.

If we were to compile an O.J.: Made in America Piece of Shit Power Rankings, the Juice would obviously come in at #1, followed by:

#2 -- that cop who beat up Rodney King and then was all GIDDY AND SHIT after being found not guilty, smiling for the cameras like he was accepting one of those giant checks on behalf of the Big Brothers and Big Sisters organization. What a colossal piece of shit.

#3 -- Mark Fuhrman, ugh, Mark Fuhrman, who still after twenty years has not learned to shut the fuck up. Furhms claimed that the only reason Rodney King got the shit beat out of him was because the LAPD was banned from using choke holds, as if cops were just strolling around South Central putting motherfucking gang-bangers in the Camel Clutch, and then going off on their merry ways.

#4 -- Police Chief Darryl Gates who ABANDONED HIS POST during the Rodney King riots. How is that even possible?!

#5 -- And coming in hot at number five is the guy who threw a brick at Reginald Denny, the truck driver who got, well, basically blasted in the head with a fucking brick.

By the way, that guy who hit another man in the head with a brick, Damien "Football" Williams (what a stupid nickname by the way), was later convicted of mayhem and misdemeanor assault and sentenced to 10 years in prison. In 1997, he was released for GOOD BEHAVIOR, but in 2003, he received a life sentence after he KILLED A HUMAN. 

I was 15 years old when the whole Rodney King shit went down, and of course I was aware of it, I remember the whole "Can't we all just get along?" thing, especially Damon Wayans making fun of it on In Living Color. I remember the fires spreading during the riots and the looting and wondering how people could carry giant 19" televisions with such ease. I remember watching Reginald Denny getting pulled out of his truck and HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A FUCKING BRICK. But at 15, I wasn't really aware of the gravity of the situation. Or maybe I was. I can't remember, it was 24 years ago, but at 15, I was mostly interested in jacking my dork, playing basketball, jacking my dork some more, rubbing my dork against various mattresses or boxsprings or mailboxes, and then trying to jack it completely off my body. So last night was truly re-eye-opening. I spent a good thirty minutes just staring at my television in awe while Rocky Road ice cream melted in a puddle in front of me. That 911 call with Nicole screaming in terror while OJ beat her in the background was fucking horrible. Whether or not I jacked my dork immediately after the doc is simply RUMOR AND HAPPENSTANCE, but I'm not denying that it didn't happen either.

Look, as much as this blog is about examining the male-female dynamic through the lens of television, it's also about jacking dorks. It's mostly about jacking dorks. And despite the fact that this OJ film is sad and incredible and amazing and horrifying, there are also some unbelievable characters in the film worth taking about.

So let's break down...

The Evster's Top 5 Favorite Humans We've Met in the Doc (so far):

#5 -- The Reverend from A.M.E. church

I apologize for not knowing this dude's name, I googled to try and find it but failed, but this guy is friggin' incredible. He opened the night up by talking about "the last, the lost, the least and the looked over," a phrase that I will absolutely be using in every post I write about the Sixers from here on out. And his reaction to the Rodney King verdict, with a single tear streaming down his face while he told reporters he felt "utter pain" was heart-wrenching. I love that man like a brother. Even more than a brother. I literally can't stand my brother. He gave me so many typewriters as a kid (that's the move where you pin someone down by sitting on their arms and then tap your fingers HARD against their chest over and over). It's pretty much the ultimate move and I can't believe it was not incorporated by Greg The Hammer Valentine.

#4 -- Danny Bakewell's ring

What is that? A seashell?

When they show flashbacks to the 90s of Danny Bakewell, look for the ring! He's been wearing it forever. I wonder what the symbolism is. I wonder where he got it. It's also incredible that he wears cufflinks and one of those metal thingies that goes behind your necktie. I wish I had the confidence to rock shit like that. I have trouble wearing these sharp green Kermit the Frog Puma sneaks I recently bought with navy blue laces. I also have trouble wearing men's underwear. Danny's beard/hair combo is also fantastic.

#3 -- This Video of Roy Firestone

I actually don't like Roy Firestone, I think he's a massive weenie, but you have to watch this video to see what he's up to these days. He's a singer, impressionist AND comedian. It's MIND-BOGGLING.




#2 -- Joe Bell

OJ's frog-voiced childhood friend stole the show again last night, with maybe the best line of the doc, telling OJ, "You are breaking the laws of God!" I could listen to this guy talk about anything. I swear, he could read the phone book and it would be the #1 most downloaded podcast on iTunes. We can make this happen.

#1 -- This Guy

I've never.
Have you ever?

I mean, have you ever in your entire life?

What a world we live in.

----------

Part 3 airs tonight at 9 (or you can watch ALL THE EPS whenever you want on ESPN Watch). You can also listen to a Fresh Air interview with Ezra Edelman and Jeffrey Toobin (he wrote a book about OJ) here. It's friggin' great. 

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