Tuesday, June 14, 2016

OJ: Made in America -- Part 1 -- Lotta Signs This Guy Was a Sociopath!

Sixty cents!

Look, let's get one thing clear right off the bat: there's gonna be spoilers in this post. And I recognize that sounds ridiculous, because, I mean, c'mon, we all know what happens in this story (OJ fucks a dog!). But all I'm sayin' is that this doc uncovers some unbelievable shit that's probably best discovered in real time, and not in some shitty recap on some shitty blog that comes and goes as it pleases.

That being said, you've been warned. So if you watched Part 1 and wanna keep reading, go for it. But if you're a dumb fucking idiot who still hasn't watched OJ Made in America, abandon ship now. Or don't. I don't give a shit. I really don't.

JK, I do.

I care so, so much.

More than you will ever know.

Okay.

Ready?

I'll give a little buffer for those who still haven't bailed.

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OJ fucked a dog?!?!?

INCREDIBLE!

Who knew?!

Absolutely amazing.

It all makes sense now!

Sorry.

Let's start by talking about that opening scene. WOWZERS.

I'm talkin' about OJ's parole hearing (which was absolutely fascinating). Specifically when the dude asked OJ what he does in prison on a day-to-day basis.

Hearing OJ explain his duties as a porter -- mopping floors, cleaning up on the unit -- and then quickly moving on to working in the gym -- rubbing down the equipment, disinfecting the sweaty, disgusting weight room  -- was so, so, so sad. And I don't mean "sad" like SAD SAD, like he was one of those children in Slovakia who was born without feet, I mean, pathetic. But also sad. Because the whole thing is just sad. Even hearing his excitement about coaching a team in prison, and how proud he was that his team of old heads beat the youngsters. It's all sad. Especially the two people that he chopped up in his front yard. And he really chopped them up.

But that first 90-second scene perfectly captured OJ's fall from grace.

And then when that dumb white bitch asked him about his first arrest in 1994...

I get it. I understand that it's probably protocol for those stupid parole officer people to ask prisoners about their first run-ins with the law. I'm sure she asks that question to all of the inmates she faces on a daily basis. But she could've had a bit more tact. She could've been like, "Hey, OJ, look, we all know what happened in 1994. You cut that lady up. And that other dude. I mean, it was the biggest case the world has ever seen. I legit watched the whole thing. I even bought a t-shirt. Nice shirt! And I know you've talked about it and thought about it ad nauseam, but I have to ask about it, so, let's just go over this real quick. It says in 1994 you were arrested for the first time. Can you talk about that please? I loved your work as Nordberg by the way. Is Leslie Nielsen's nose really that big? I'm a fucking asshole by the way."

But no. Instead she just threw it out there like a big, dumb, white person. And OJ was right to be pissed. He was right to be taken aback. But still, his response? That sharp, "Are we really gonna talk about this?" with a look of disgust. You could sense real anger inside of him. And I know, he's a murderer, so obviously we all have our antennas up and looking for that hidden temper, for any sign that he's the sociopath we think he is, but that first scene was just brilliant, and set the stage for the entire 47-part story that Ezra Edelman is going to tell. Former football player and super celeb with an unbelievably smooth chest, who goes into a jealous rage and kills his ex-wife and her boyf in cold blood, and eventually becomes a lowly prison janitor who coaches some weird prison sport that he doesn't name (basketball? football? shuffleboard?!??!) .

Yo. 

Joe Bell's voice?

Have you ever heard a person speak like that? Do you think he's always talked like that? He must have. He must have had that same froggy voice as a kid. I can't believe he doesn't have a nickname. Like, Froggy Man Johnson. Or Bob Froggenstein. I grew up with a kid (named Dickdog) and he had a ridiculously raspy voice, and that was literally his whole identity as a child. Anytime he spoke it was hilarious. He eventually grew out of it, and is now married (to a woman!) and speaks like a normal person. But still, Joe Bell is incredible, and it seems like he's been waiting 20 years for someone to come find him to talk about OJ. I tried to find him on Twitter. I failed.

Ummmmmm, uhhh, okay, OJ just stole AC's girl in high school? And married her?!

What kind of raging lunatic steals his best friend's girl? I mean, Tony Parker fucked Brent Barry's wife. So maybe it happens more than we know, but still, the signs that OJ was a colossal piece of shit were evident from his teenage years.

And yes, granted, every teenager is a colossal piece of shit, but OJ was obviously a total fuckface too.

Plusssssssss, OJ's dad was gay?!?!?!? 

I'm not saying that's a make-it-or-break-it detail, I'm not even sure what a make-it-or-break-it detail is, all I'm saying is that that could explain some stuff. Specifically OJ's abusive past and overall misogynistic ways. Also, the story itself was incredible. The fact that his dad came to the door in a robe. And the other guy was in a robe! I feel like robes are an essential part of living in San Francisco. It's so cold there! Yet not tooooooo cold, but just kinda perfect for robes. I own a robe. I love it. I'm also gay.

AND HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT OJ MIGHT'VE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED NICOLE ON THEIR VERY FIRST DATE?!?! 

Or at the very least forced himself on her. Ripped jeans??!?! How does one rip another person's jeans? By raping them, that's for sure. Jesus fucking Christ that was a big bopper right there. Can you imagine not watching this doc and hearing this information from me on this stupid website?!?!?

I used to work with a lady who wore ripped jeans to work and I constantly told her it was inappropes. She showed off her entire thigh and stuff. She always responded by saying "who gives a shit" but I'm telling you it was bizarre. She also went on vacation to Las Vegas. She might have been crazier than OJ.

Lastly, the Electric Company. What an incredible, incredible nickname. 

Because they "turn on the Juice." Brilliant. But even more incredible was how charming and personable OJ seemed to be. The consummate professional. The perfect teammate. Even how he put 3,088 yards on his offensive line's bracelets and not 2,000, because that's how many yards they gained as a team. That's some real next-level, sweet-talking charm and manipulative bullshit right there. What a guy. I honestly love him.

I'M FUCKING JOKING, CALM DOWN.

I think that's about it for part one. I'm gonna try to write recaps for each part of this series, but let's be honest here, there's no way I'm writing recaps for each part of this series.

Anyway, go fuck yourself. I don't owe you guys anything. Also thanks for reading.

Part 2 is tonight at 9pm on ESPN, and they're re-airing Part 1 at 7pm.
Part 3 is on Wednesday.
Part 4 is on Friday.
Part 5 (the final part) is on Saturday.

I know that because I have it all written down on my calendar.

Seriously.

This is a Star Wars calendar and has a picture of the new Darth Maul guy above it, whatever his name is. Kylo Ren? That's his name. I know his name. I was embarrassed by the calendar, that's why I didn't capture that part of it in the pic. How could this possibly be interesting?




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