Thursday, June 16, 2016

O.J.: Made in America Part III -- Joe Bell Needs His Own DocumentaryImmediately

"My name is Froggy Frog Voice! You know who I am, god dammit!"

Let me let you in on a little television secret that you might not know because you're not a world-famous local celebrity/television blogger who has appeared on multiple podcasts and radio shows and was once recognized by a fan in a South Philly bar after COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY blowing up the bathroom. 

The next-door neighbor is always the funniest person in the show.

From the earliest days of TV, the next-door neighb has supplied comedic relief for the bigger, more serious and annoying stars. Think about it. On Leave it to Beave, there was Eddie Haskall. On Laverne and Shirls, it was Lenny and Squiggy. Family Ties had Skippy. The Cosby Show had Kenny aka Buddddddddd. And now today there's guys like Leon from Curb (and yes I know that he's not technically a next-door neigb, he lives with Larry, but whatever, he's still a houseguest. Stop being annoying.). So it should come as no surprise that Joe Bell aka Froggy Man McGee aka Captain Froggy Voice aka Kermit the Frog Jr. Jr. continues to steal the show night after night after night. 

Last night, the dude was on the screen for a grand total of mayyyyyyyybe 90 seconds, and it was by far the highlight of the episode. The story he told about AC protecting OJ in high school was straight-up bizarre, not because AC was ready to take a bullet for the Juice, but because that was one of the most fucked up practical jokes I've ever heard in my entire life. 

For those of you who didn't watch last night -- because you were out Tindering, or reading a stupid book about dragons -- I'll break it down for you. And by the way, I do not want to do this. I do not want to have to describe to you what happened in the previous episode because you're too good to pay for cable. This is not some recap website. This is a blog offering social, political and sexual commentary. I can't be wasting my time catching you up to speed because you needed to go to bed because you have a JOB. Whatever, here's what happ'd. 

Basically, when OJ and AC and Frank the Frogman were in high school, some teenage idiot brought a gun to school. Not a big gun. Not like a big, freaking gun that you'd use to, oh, I dunno, slaughter 49 innocent people at an Orlando night club, but a little pistol, the kind you'd shoot off at the start of a relay race. But still, a gun, that could kill someone, with bullets. 

Anyway, with the gun in their possession, Froggie Frog Frog and his buddies decided to play a practical joke on OJ where basically they were gonna walk up to him and pretend that they were going to shoot him. Now, I'm no prude. I have held a gun once, and been in a car with a guy who shot a gun out of his sunroof (which is an unbelievable story by the way, and one that I'll share with you when the person who shot the gun is dead). And I understand practical jokes. I get it. You set up a scene and pretend it's real, get a person allllllllllll riled up to the point where he's bugging out, and then BOOM! Ashton Kutcher jumps out of the bushes and yells "YOU GOT GORPED! YOU GOT GORPED!" And everyone laughs and the guy who got gorped breathes a huge sigh of relief and noogies are exchanged and then you all stand around and have a deep analytical discussion on why Mila Kunis would marry such a complete doorknob. 

But this, this was no practical joke. 

This was a group of idiots pretending to KILL THEIR GOOD FRIEND. 

A practical joke would've been something like giving OJ a can of peanuts and when he went to open them a gun popped out. Or planting the gun in OJ's locker and telling the principal that OJ was planning on murdering his girlfriend. A practical joke would've been pretending the gun was a dick and slowwwwwwwly sliding it into your mouth, feeling the cold steel on your lips, then dragging it in and out, lightly tapping it on the end of your tongue, pulling it away, watching the saliva stretch off the end, then jamming it deep inside, more saliva, now drizzling out of the side of your mouth, your heart rate increasing, unsure of what's coming next, staring down the barrel and now that I think about it I'm not actually sure I know what a practical joke is. But I do know that teenagers are idiots. And that Joe Bell and his friends lived a much more exciting childhood than I did. Even though when I was 13 a woman moved into the house next-door to me and for the first two weeks before she got curtains she used to undress right in front my bedroom window. It was incredible. I hope one day one of my friends murders someone some I can tell that story on camera. 

Anyway, Joe Bell is the best. AC is the man. And Marcia Clark's hair looks FANTASTIC these days, doesn't it?!

You go girl. 

Bout time you figured that shit out. 

God bless. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

O.J.: Made in America Part Deux -- Piece of Shit Power Rankings and my Top 5 Favorite People in this Doc (so far)

This movie was called A KILLING AFFAIR!

OJ Simpson is a piece of shit.

There were a bunch of other takeaways from O.J.: Made in America Part Deux -- like OJ Simpson being a complete piece of shit, and OJ Simpson being a total toilet piece of shit, and the fact that ESPN (a station that at one point in time broadcasted lumberjack competitions) showed footage of a teenage girl getting SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND KILLED -- but the ultimate takeaway from last night was that OJ Simpson is an abusive, womanizing, egomaniacal, insecure piece of shit who murdered his ex-wife and her Jewish boyf in a jealous rage.

If we were to compile an O.J.: Made in America Piece of Shit Power Rankings, the Juice would obviously come in at #1, followed by:

#2 -- that cop who beat up Rodney King and then was all GIDDY AND SHIT after being found not guilty, smiling for the cameras like he was accepting one of those giant checks on behalf of the Big Brothers and Big Sisters organization. What a colossal piece of shit.

#3 -- Mark Fuhrman, ugh, Mark Fuhrman, who still after twenty years has not learned to shut the fuck up. Furhms claimed that the only reason Rodney King got the shit beat out of him was because the LAPD was banned from using choke holds, as if cops were just strolling around South Central putting motherfucking gang-bangers in the Camel Clutch, and then going off on their merry ways.

#4 -- Police Chief Darryl Gates who ABANDONED HIS POST during the Rodney King riots. How is that even possible?!

#5 -- And coming in hot at number five is the guy who threw a brick at Reginald Denny, the truck driver who got, well, basically blasted in the head with a fucking brick.

By the way, that guy who hit another man in the head with a brick, Damien "Football" Williams (what a stupid nickname by the way), was later convicted of mayhem and misdemeanor assault and sentenced to 10 years in prison. In 1997, he was released for GOOD BEHAVIOR, but in 2003, he received a life sentence after he KILLED A HUMAN. 

I was 15 years old when the whole Rodney King shit went down, and of course I was aware of it, I remember the whole "Can't we all just get along?" thing, especially Damon Wayans making fun of it on In Living Color. I remember the fires spreading during the riots and the looting and wondering how people could carry giant 19" televisions with such ease. I remember watching Reginald Denny getting pulled out of his truck and HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A FUCKING BRICK. But at 15, I wasn't really aware of the gravity of the situation. Or maybe I was. I can't remember, it was 24 years ago, but at 15, I was mostly interested in jacking my dork, playing basketball, jacking my dork some more, rubbing my dork against various mattresses or boxsprings or mailboxes, and then trying to jack it completely off my body. So last night was truly re-eye-opening. I spent a good thirty minutes just staring at my television in awe while Rocky Road ice cream melted in a puddle in front of me. That 911 call with Nicole screaming in terror while OJ beat her in the background was fucking horrible. Whether or not I jacked my dork immediately after the doc is simply RUMOR AND HAPPENSTANCE, but I'm not denying that it didn't happen either.

Look, as much as this blog is about examining the male-female dynamic through the lens of television, it's also about jacking dorks. It's mostly about jacking dorks. And despite the fact that this OJ film is sad and incredible and amazing and horrifying, there are also some unbelievable characters in the film worth taking about.

So let's break down...

The Evster's Top 5 Favorite Humans We've Met in the Doc (so far):

#5 -- The Reverend from A.M.E. church

I apologize for not knowing this dude's name, I googled to try and find it but failed, but this guy is friggin' incredible. He opened the night up by talking about "the last, the lost, the least and the looked over," a phrase that I will absolutely be using in every post I write about the Sixers from here on out. And his reaction to the Rodney King verdict, with a single tear streaming down his face while he told reporters he felt "utter pain" was heart-wrenching. I love that man like a brother. Even more than a brother. I literally can't stand my brother. He gave me so many typewriters as a kid (that's the move where you pin someone down by sitting on their arms and then tap your fingers HARD against their chest over and over). It's pretty much the ultimate move and I can't believe it was not incorporated by Greg The Hammer Valentine.

#4 -- Danny Bakewell's ring

What is that? A seashell?

When they show flashbacks to the 90s of Danny Bakewell, look for the ring! He's been wearing it forever. I wonder what the symbolism is. I wonder where he got it. It's also incredible that he wears cufflinks and one of those metal thingies that goes behind your necktie. I wish I had the confidence to rock shit like that. I have trouble wearing these sharp green Kermit the Frog Puma sneaks I recently bought with navy blue laces. I also have trouble wearing men's underwear. Danny's beard/hair combo is also fantastic.

#3 -- This Video of Roy Firestone

I actually don't like Roy Firestone, I think he's a massive weenie, but you have to watch this video to see what he's up to these days. He's a singer, impressionist AND comedian. It's MIND-BOGGLING.




#2 -- Joe Bell

OJ's frog-voiced childhood friend stole the show again last night, with maybe the best line of the doc, telling OJ, "You are breaking the laws of God!" I could listen to this guy talk about anything. I swear, he could read the phone book and it would be the #1 most downloaded podcast on iTunes. We can make this happen.

#1 -- This Guy

I've never.
Have you ever?

I mean, have you ever in your entire life?

What a world we live in.

----------

Part 3 airs tonight at 9 (or you can watch ALL THE EPS whenever you want on ESPN Watch). You can also listen to a Fresh Air interview with Ezra Edelman and Jeffrey Toobin (he wrote a book about OJ) here. It's friggin' great. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

OJ: Made in America -- Part 1 -- Lotta Signs This Guy Was a Sociopath!

Sixty cents!

Look, let's get one thing clear right off the bat: there's gonna be spoilers in this post. And I recognize that sounds ridiculous, because, I mean, c'mon, we all know what happens in this story (OJ fucks a dog!). But all I'm sayin' is that this doc uncovers some unbelievable shit that's probably best discovered in real time, and not in some shitty recap on some shitty blog that comes and goes as it pleases.

That being said, you've been warned. So if you watched Part 1 and wanna keep reading, go for it. But if you're a dumb fucking idiot who still hasn't watched OJ Made in America, abandon ship now. Or don't. I don't give a shit. I really don't.

JK, I do.

I care so, so much.

More than you will ever know.

Okay.

Ready?

I'll give a little buffer for those who still haven't bailed.

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OJ fucked a dog?!?!?

INCREDIBLE!

Who knew?!

Absolutely amazing.

It all makes sense now!

Sorry.

Let's start by talking about that opening scene. WOWZERS.

I'm talkin' about OJ's parole hearing (which was absolutely fascinating). Specifically when the dude asked OJ what he does in prison on a day-to-day basis.

Hearing OJ explain his duties as a porter -- mopping floors, cleaning up on the unit -- and then quickly moving on to working in the gym -- rubbing down the equipment, disinfecting the sweaty, disgusting weight room  -- was so, so, so sad. And I don't mean "sad" like SAD SAD, like he was one of those children in Slovakia who was born without feet, I mean, pathetic. But also sad. Because the whole thing is just sad. Even hearing his excitement about coaching a team in prison, and how proud he was that his team of old heads beat the youngsters. It's all sad. Especially the two people that he chopped up in his front yard. And he really chopped them up.

But that first 90-second scene perfectly captured OJ's fall from grace.

And then when that dumb white bitch asked him about his first arrest in 1994...

I get it. I understand that it's probably protocol for those stupid parole officer people to ask prisoners about their first run-ins with the law. I'm sure she asks that question to all of the inmates she faces on a daily basis. But she could've had a bit more tact. She could've been like, "Hey, OJ, look, we all know what happened in 1994. You cut that lady up. And that other dude. I mean, it was the biggest case the world has ever seen. I legit watched the whole thing. I even bought a t-shirt. Nice shirt! And I know you've talked about it and thought about it ad nauseam, but I have to ask about it, so, let's just go over this real quick. It says in 1994 you were arrested for the first time. Can you talk about that please? I loved your work as Nordberg by the way. Is Leslie Nielsen's nose really that big? I'm a fucking asshole by the way."

But no. Instead she just threw it out there like a big, dumb, white person. And OJ was right to be pissed. He was right to be taken aback. But still, his response? That sharp, "Are we really gonna talk about this?" with a look of disgust. You could sense real anger inside of him. And I know, he's a murderer, so obviously we all have our antennas up and looking for that hidden temper, for any sign that he's the sociopath we think he is, but that first scene was just brilliant, and set the stage for the entire 47-part story that Ezra Edelman is going to tell. Former football player and super celeb with an unbelievably smooth chest, who goes into a jealous rage and kills his ex-wife and her boyf in cold blood, and eventually becomes a lowly prison janitor who coaches some weird prison sport that he doesn't name (basketball? football? shuffleboard?!??!) .

Yo. 

Joe Bell's voice?

Have you ever heard a person speak like that? Do you think he's always talked like that? He must have. He must have had that same froggy voice as a kid. I can't believe he doesn't have a nickname. Like, Froggy Man Johnson. Or Bob Froggenstein. I grew up with a kid (named Dickdog) and he had a ridiculously raspy voice, and that was literally his whole identity as a child. Anytime he spoke it was hilarious. He eventually grew out of it, and is now married (to a woman!) and speaks like a normal person. But still, Joe Bell is incredible, and it seems like he's been waiting 20 years for someone to come find him to talk about OJ. I tried to find him on Twitter. I failed.

Ummmmmm, uhhh, okay, OJ just stole AC's girl in high school? And married her?!

What kind of raging lunatic steals his best friend's girl? I mean, Tony Parker fucked Brent Barry's wife. So maybe it happens more than we know, but still, the signs that OJ was a colossal piece of shit were evident from his teenage years.

And yes, granted, every teenager is a colossal piece of shit, but OJ was obviously a total fuckface too.

Plusssssssss, OJ's dad was gay?!?!?!? 

I'm not saying that's a make-it-or-break-it detail, I'm not even sure what a make-it-or-break-it detail is, all I'm saying is that that could explain some stuff. Specifically OJ's abusive past and overall misogynistic ways. Also, the story itself was incredible. The fact that his dad came to the door in a robe. And the other guy was in a robe! I feel like robes are an essential part of living in San Francisco. It's so cold there! Yet not tooooooo cold, but just kinda perfect for robes. I own a robe. I love it. I'm also gay.

AND HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT OJ MIGHT'VE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED NICOLE ON THEIR VERY FIRST DATE?!?! 

Or at the very least forced himself on her. Ripped jeans??!?! How does one rip another person's jeans? By raping them, that's for sure. Jesus fucking Christ that was a big bopper right there. Can you imagine not watching this doc and hearing this information from me on this stupid website?!?!?

I used to work with a lady who wore ripped jeans to work and I constantly told her it was inappropes. She showed off her entire thigh and stuff. She always responded by saying "who gives a shit" but I'm telling you it was bizarre. She also went on vacation to Las Vegas. She might have been crazier than OJ.

Lastly, the Electric Company. What an incredible, incredible nickname. 

Because they "turn on the Juice." Brilliant. But even more incredible was how charming and personable OJ seemed to be. The consummate professional. The perfect teammate. Even how he put 3,088 yards on his offensive line's bracelets and not 2,000, because that's how many yards they gained as a team. That's some real next-level, sweet-talking charm and manipulative bullshit right there. What a guy. I honestly love him.

I'M FUCKING JOKING, CALM DOWN.

I think that's about it for part one. I'm gonna try to write recaps for each part of this series, but let's be honest here, there's no way I'm writing recaps for each part of this series.

Anyway, go fuck yourself. I don't owe you guys anything. Also thanks for reading.

Part 2 is tonight at 9pm on ESPN, and they're re-airing Part 1 at 7pm.
Part 3 is on Wednesday.
Part 4 is on Friday.
Part 5 (the final part) is on Saturday.

I know that because I have it all written down on my calendar.

Seriously.

This is a Star Wars calendar and has a picture of the new Darth Maul guy above it, whatever his name is. Kylo Ren? That's his name. I know his name. I was embarrassed by the calendar, that's why I didn't capture that part of it in the pic. How could this possibly be interesting?