Monday, April 25, 2016

Game of Frones S:6:E1: Five Reasons This Show is Bullshit

Do you think that's real dirt on her neck? I don't.

I know, I know, the red hot Fire Lady showed off her San Antonio Saggers -- and we'll get to that, we'll certainly get to that -- but there were a few other things that are worth discussing from last night's season premiere of GAME OF FRONES.

I think I'm going to start capitalizing GAME OF FRONES whenever I write the words GAME OF FRONES. It just seems like the right thing to do. Kind of like when you say the word WOWZERS. Not like you ever say WOWZERS, but if you did (and you don't), you would never just say the word wowzers. You might say WOWZERS BOWZERS. I know I would (and just did). Honestly who gives a shit. Who gives a shit about anything anyone ever does on this stupid planet.


I read a review this morning in the NEW YORK TIMES (that's another one worth capitalizing) that basically just recapped the episode for anyone who didn't see it. I mean, that's not why people read recaps. It's not like you wake up in the morning and you're like, "I missed GAME OF FRONES last night! Oh well, forget about On Demand, I'll just read the recap." No. You want insight. You want ANALysis. That's why you come to TVMWMWMWWWWW. At least that's why I think you come here. I seriously have no idea why you come here.


It's for my world famous hard hitting GAME OF FRONES breakdowns. So let's break some stuff down. Ugh, it took four paragraphs to introduce this post. That's way too long. OMG STOP COMPLAINING.

That Jon Snow "TRAITOR" sign was a piece of shit. 

Most obvious font I've ever seen.

Dude, this show has a multi-million dollar budget. They can do all sorts of ill shit. They've made dragons and castles and chicks with webbed feet. You're telling me they couldn't make a more realistic-looking "Traitor" sign? It's all crooked. And dumb. And looks like one of those "KEEP OUT" signs you might see at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World. Does that ride even exist? It must. Look at that font. What a stupid font. Fonts are very important. I like Garamond.

Theon and Sansa would've died walking through that freezing cold river AND YOU KNOW IT. 

I don't care how many dicks you've had chopped off, there is no way anyone could walk through such freezing cold water without dying immediately. But Theon and Sansa just gave a couple gasps and next thing you know, they're shivering under a tree. Stop it. I stepped in water in my socks during my Passover sedar Friday night and didn't shut up about it all night. I legit took my socks off under the table and tried to warm-squeeze my foot during the Four Questions. It didn't work. Once a sock is soaked, it's soaked. This television show is dumb. So is matzoh. JK I love matzoh. I don't know why I just said that. I'm sorry, matzoh. I am currently apologizing to matzoh.

Yooooooooo, the Pineapple People! 

I couldn't find a good picture of the Pineapple People I wanted to show,
but here's a picture of these Pineapple People (who are now dead). 

They fucking sliced and diced, didn't they?! Jesus Christ. It's like, even though on this show mofos are constantly jamming sticks in people's throats, you're still never prepared for a lady to jam a stick through a guy's throat. And that lady didn't even jam a stick in the guy's throat, she jammed it through his skull. That seems a bit far-fetched. Dragons and midgets and a guy turning into a bird, I can believe in that, but you can't jam a stick through a man's brain. That's just science. Or maybe you can. What do I know? I'm just a world famous local celebrity who was asked to appear on Philadelphia sportstalk radio last night.

Only three retweets? C'mon. 

Regardless, apparently the Pineapple People are not called the Pineapple People (they're just called people from Dorne) and those three chicks who jam sticks through people's skulls are called Sand Snakes. It's amazing what you can learn from the NEW YORK TIMES.

Anyway, I googled the word Pineapple People and this is what came up:

That's definitely a pineapple person.

Poor guy.
I can't stop staring at her foot. 

Sure, the Fire Lady's titties were saggin' and laggin', but the real highlight was seeing her va-jinn jinn jinner. 

It's not every day that you see an old lady's va-jinn jinn jinner. In fact, I don't know if I've ever seen an old lady's va-jinn jinn jinner. That was really somethin'. And I was totally cool seeing it, but they really pulled one over on us didn't they? Flashing the word "nudity" up there during the opening HBO title slide thingie and then holding off 'til that final scene. I would say that I was disappointed, and at the time I was, but looking back it was obviously amazing. So thank you, HBO, for pushing the envelope. It's nice to see Liza Minelli working again.

I kinda wanted to see the Dothrakis fuck that chick in her butt. 
You know you did too. 

Happy Passover.

Yo for real, I was on WIP Sportstalk Radio last night. This dude Andrew Porter hosts a show on there and follows me on Twitter and liked my 700 Level post about Carson Wentz so he asked me to go on the air to talk about it. I have no idea how the interview went because no one I know listened to it. I did talk about sending dork pics on the internet though. So there's that. You can listen to it here. And you can read my Carson Wentz post here. Or you can check out this frog dog. That's probably the better move. It's a frog dog. When have you ever seen that before? 

Friday, April 15, 2016

Quiz: How Flyer'd Up Are You?

Calm down please. 

1. Are you Flyer'd up?

a) Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?

b) Gotta be honest, I was a little Flyer'd up before last night's game, but now I'm not quite as Flyer'd up as I was before. I also have no idea if a one-legged duck swims in circles. I guess it does. Sad for that duck.

c) If the whole point of this quiz is to determine how Flyer'd up I am, why would you make the first question "Are you Flyer'd up"? Shouldn't the quiz basically end now? Regardless, yeah, sure, I guess I'm somewhat Flyer'd up -- Flyer'd up enough to at least clicked on this link in the first place. But I was not expecting the answers on this quiz to be this long. Can we calm down with the long answers going forward? This is an internet quiz not the SATs. Thank you.

2. Do you know any players on the Flyers roster?

a) Personally? 7.

b) I know they have a black guy.

c) I am a black guy.

3. Do you own any Flyers gear? 

a) YEPS. In fact, I wore orange and black to work yesterday. And plan to wear it pretty much every day this week. I also have a little Flyers teddy bear in my cubicle and made my desktop background on my computer Wayne Simmonds. My name is Donna. I work with Evan in the accounting department at his job. He doesn't work in accounting, I do. He wanted me to make that clear so you didn't think he was the type of dorf who would work in accounting. I am an incredible person and once won 1st place in a fishing contest and came in on Monday morning with pictures of my winning fish to prove it. I unfortunately am not on Twitter.

b) Pretty sure I have a Flyers t-shirt buried somewhere in my closet. I could maybe find it this week. Probably won't though. Probably won't.

c) Like I said, I am a black guy.

4. What are your thoughts on Guns N' Roses?

a) WELCOME TO THE JUNG I like them. I like them a lot. I am from New Jersey.

b) Ugh, I have never understood their whole appeal and feel like they're partially responsible for ruining my sexual potential as a teenager. Plus, the whole grunge era, with the flannel shirts and the ripped jeans, what the hell was that? And yes I realize that G n' R was not part of the grunge era, but it's all the same thing, because the annoying people who listened to Guns N' Roses in middle school were the dorks who got into Pearl Jam later in high school. Plus, pretty much every chick at my high school wore Doc Martins and baggy shirts and that was just unfair compared to today's teenagers who wear nothing but yoga pants. I did not receive my first handjob until I was 16. Thank you, Lisa Cohen. Wherever you are.

c) Starting to think that you've never met a black guy.

5. Are you Wayne Simmonds?

a) No.

b) The game show host?

c) That's racist (and yes).



If you answered mostly A's: you are in fact very Flyer'd up and probably follow Doc Pizza on Twitter
If you answered mostly B's: you are an INCREDIBLY sexy blogger / local celebrity
If you answered mostly C's: you are Wayne Simmonds