Monday, April 27, 2015

Songs by Black People that are Way Better than Songs by WhitePeople: "Ride" by Ciara

cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger

Welcome to a new weekly feature here at TVMWMWMWWWMWMW where every week (that's what "weekly" means) I'll be breaking down some of the greatest music videos that black people have ever made. These videos are so dope and so hilarious and so bonks that they would make any white person's butt explode. The first in the series, "Ride" by Ciara, is a bonafide jamblanger. If you've never seen the vid, please take 4 minutes and 38 seconds out of your boring white life to watch it now. Thank you.




Okay so first of all, if you're still alive after watching that lady's gyrations then congratulations on not needing a quadruple bypass. Second of all, there is no second of all. Holy shit. The first eight times I watched that vid, I just sat on my couch screaming at my television. Obviously we need to talk about Ciara's hip action. Specifically when she frog kicks whilst slapping the floor like Wojo. And also those Macadamian Squat Thrusts, leaning back and lookin' like the Iron Sheik, except instead of sitting on a dude's back, her ass is hovering in midair like a goddamn angel.

Get over yourself, Hulkster!




The best part of the video comes at the 1:40 mark when Ciara slowly slides down the waistband of her pants to reveal a pelvis that looks absolutely nothing like my wife's. JUST KIDDING, HONEY. YOU KNOW I LOVE DAT SWEET #PELV OF YOURZ. You know those black tie charity auctions where rich dudes bid thousands of dollars to play a round of golf with Dan Dinkledorg? Well, if they offered up an opportunity to eat a steak dinner off Ciara's pelvis, I guarantee you that cancer would be cured in a minny. How is this woman real?




In my head while watching I'm constantly saying stuff like, "I would tear dat ass OOP," but truth be told I have reached the point in my life where I get legitimately winded jacking off. For examps, if I'm pumping off in the shower first thing in the morning -- before I've had an opportunity to stretch/drink Gatorade™ -- there's a good chance I'll get lightheaded because of the combination of the steamy hot shower and being completely dehydrated from a night full of mouth-breathing. It's like asphyxiation, but instead of enhancing the experience, it makes me feel like a complete and total piece of shit. Pretty much just like everything else I do in this world. I am currently on two different types of blood pressure medicashe.

I'm with you, Luda.
I am WITH. YOU.

There's also a part in the video where Ciara's leaning against a car while wearing a bathing suit. I'm not sure why there's a car there, or if that's even a bathing suit that she's wearing, it might be a dress, and it's not like Ciara's got anywhere to go, she's shooting a music vid for cryin' out loud, and quite frankly I'm not even sure why I'm devoting this much time to such a boring run-on sentence, but she's also got on some pretty dope Adidas hi-tops. My wife's favorite store is Ann Taylor Loft.

Ciara is currently dating Super Bowl™ winning quarterback Russell Wilson, but in this video she's with Ludacris. I particularly like when she jams her high-heeled shoe into his thigh. It's so hot that we completely ignore the fact that Ludacris's verse is corny as hell, saying "Red Zone, I'm a get her first down, call me Luda Drew Brees I throw it in, TOUCHDOWN."

The video ends with Ciara getting all sweaty while riding a mechanical bull because life is wonderful and I need to kill myself immediately.

Goodbye, everybody.

I'll see you in heaven my sweet, sweaty angel.




Drew Brees can suck my butt.

13 comments:

  1. ♥ I am so happy to share this wonderful testimony about Dr Brave, my name is Mellisa Jefferson I am 32 years old, I live in Florida USA, I am happily married to Sowers Jefferson with three kids we got married in 2004 I am a banker but due to some certain family conditions I had to quit my job so I could have time for my family my husband works in a construction company not long ago around may 2015 my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very Confused by the way he treat me and the Kids. Later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i Done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce That he hate me and do not want to see Me again in his life, i was mad and also Frustrated do not know what to do,i was Sick for more than 4 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is Incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believed in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr Brave for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have Been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then he told me that he have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to Me and the kids, he casted the spell and After 27hours my husband called me and He told me that i should forgive him, he Started to apologize on phone and said That he still loves me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that Dr Brave casted on him that brought him back to me today, i and my family Are now happy again today. thank you Dr Brave for what you have done for me i would have been nothing Today if not for your great spell. i want You my friends who are passing through All this kind of love problem of getting Back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact him on this email: bravespellcaster@gmail.com , web site:http://enchantedscents.tripod.com/lovespell/ . and you will see that your problem will be solved Without any delay or effect cell number +2348072370762 Thanks for reading..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So you made someone love you against their will. So he doesn't really love you. How do you sleep at night.

      Delete
    2. I hope this helps a lot of Woman and Men out there.
      100% guarantee Love spell..! A very big problem occurred in my Relationship few week Ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell indicator ,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited on the internet . I sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, my husband who didn't call me for the past few days, gave me a call to inform me that he is coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Dr Okaya, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM Or Whats App Him on his number +270814506790

      Delete
  2. The excitement and thrills of NFL game day action are commonplace along with you. Watch Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers football game live is usually a unique beast of its own.

    ReplyDelete
  3. How I Got My Ex Husband Back...........

    I am Shannon by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address Makospelltemple@yahoo.com , have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr.Mako. His email: Makospelltemple@yahoo.com OR. his phone number: +2348108737816.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend and it had resulted in him moving out to his friend’s apartment. Everything got worse because he started going to bars and strip clubs frequently with his friend, getting drunk and passing out. He always threatens me on phone whenever I call him because of all the bad advises that his friend has given him. I really love him and we had been dating for 6 years which gave us a beautiful daughter. I had also lost a lot of money on therapists until I was introduced to Dr. Okaya by a friend whom he helped to marry her childhood boyfriend; this gave me total confidence and strength to get him back. I did all he asked and after 48 hours my boyfriend called me and rushed back home, things just changed between us emotionally. He has a job and stopped drinking and keeping irrelevant friends. It’s a miracle I never believed was possible because I had lost all hope until I found Dr.Okaya. So that’s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to Dr.Okaya for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM call/Whatsapp +27814506790

      Delete
  4. BE CAREFUL HERE MANY OF THE DOCTORS HERE ARE SCAM,MOST TESTIMONIES OF MOST SPELL CASTER HERE MUST BE IGNORE.BECAUSE THEY ARE SCAM I MEAN REAL SCAM WHICH I WAS A VICTIM.I GOT RIPPED OF THREE THOUSANDS DOLLARS BY 4 CASTERS BECAUSE I WAS SO ANXIOUS TO GET MY WIFE BACK AFTER SHE LEFT ME FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS WITH OUR 4 YEARS OLD SON JERRY,, I HAVE PAID OVER $3000 ON SPELL CASTING AND COURIER AND NOTHING HAVE WORK FOR ME UNTIL ONE FAITHFUL DAY I GOT IN CONTACT WITH MADAM SOLUTION WHO DID WHAT I CALLED MAGIC BECAUSE I CONTACTED HER ON FRIDAY AND AFTER GIVEN HER MY DETAILS AND $245 FOR THE SPELL CASTING MY WIFE CALLED ME ON SUNDAY AND NOW WE ARE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN IF YOU NEED SIMILAR HELP THEN CONTACT HER NOW VIA EMAIL AT (magic.lovespel@reincarnate.com) .

    ReplyDelete
  5. My name is Kesby Karen i am very happy for the wonderful work Dr bolingo has done for me i got married to my lovely husband last year February and we have a lovely son. things was going well with us and we are living happily. until one day my husband started behaving in a strange manner i could not understand, i was very confused with the way he treat me and my son. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was sad and also frustrated i did not know what to do,i was sick for more than a week because of the divorce. i love him so much he his everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told one of my child hood friend and she told me to contact a spell caster that she has listen to one woman who testify about dr bolingo and she has been hearing about him that i should try him i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing but i just say i should try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr bolingo for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have been taken by another woman. that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want to divorce me. then he told me that has to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and my son, he casted the spell and after 1 day my husband came back home and started apologizing he said that he love me so much that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that Dr bolingo casted on him that make him come back to me,right now am so happy again. thank you Dr bolingo for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. this is to every one who is facing divorces or heart break by your lover i want you to contact him now because he can do it for you his powers is great and dont have any side effect in the future contact him through his mail: bolingospelltemple@gmail.com or call him on his cell phone number +2348071169835 contact him now and your problems will be solve for ever.once again thanks to dr bolingo.

    ReplyDelete

  6. I hope this helps a lot of Woman and Men out there.
    100% guarantee Love spell..! A very big problem occurred in my Relationship few week Ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell indicator ,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited on the internet . I sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, my husband who didn't call me for the past few days, gave me a call to inform me that he is coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Dr Okaya, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM Or Whats App Him on his number +270814506790

    ReplyDelete
  7. My name is Kesby Karen i am very happy for the wonderful work Dr bolingo has done for me i got married to my lovely husband last year February and we have a lovely son. things was going well with us and we are living happily. until one day my husband started behaving in a strange manner i could not understand, i was very confused with the way he treat me and my son. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was sad and also frustrated i did not know what to do,i was sick for more than a week because of the divorce. i love him so much he his everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told one of my child hood friend and she told me to contact a spell caster that she has listen to one woman who testify about dr bolingo and she has been hearing about him that i should try him i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing but i just say i should try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr bolingo for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have been taken by another woman. that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want to divorce me. then he told me that has to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and my son, he casted the spell and after 1 day my husband came back home and started apologizing he said that he love me so much that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that Dr bolingo casted on him that make him come back to me,right now am so happy again. thank you Dr bolingo for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. this is to every one who is facing divorces or heart break by your lover i want you to contact him now because he can do it for you his powers is great and dont have any side effect in the future contact him through his mail: bolingospelltemple@gmail.com or call him on his cell phone number +2348071169835 contact him now and your problems will be solve for ever.once again thanks to dr bolingo.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I had a search through the link, but believe it or not I am really unsure of what would work for us.

    Very nice post and this post is very best for laptop repair i really this post.

    ReplyDelete

  9. Hi my name is Sylvia from Sweden i just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 5 years with 2 kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had a fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn't want to loose him but everything just didn't work out… he moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster professionallovespell@hotmail.com who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and cast a love spell on him. Within 24 hours of casting the spell, he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continued to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just want to share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there needs it… You can email him professionallovespell@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. nice article great post comment information thanks for sharing
    ทองดีฟันขาว

    ReplyDelete