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I do not know what compelled me to publish two (2) separate Oscar preview posts. The Academy Awards aren’t even that interesting, and last week’s Best Actor/Actress preview only generated 144 pageviews. To give you a little context, Tuesday’s Bach post generated 4 billion pageviews while last week’s Downton Abbey post forced 16 computers into automatic sleep mode.
I guess the red carpet stuff is okay (I do love that Mani Cam -- and can we PLEASE get a Pedi Cam?!) and the dead people montage is great (RIP Sanderson), but the rest of the show is a snoozer. I think I the only reason I write about it is because it’s fun to join in on a national conversashe (and I’m secretly a total star fucker). Plus, it seemed like a good excuse to invite my two good pals, TVMWW’s Official Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, back to da blog to share their insider Hollywood knowledge. Because what is life without long distance online cyber relationships and forcing your friends to do shit they don’t want to do.
So welcome back, guys!
FEDDD: What up! I wanted to sincerely tell you guys that is always fun to link up with you both and bring our different voices, tastes and perspectives to this deeply, deeply unpopular feature.
SARA CIRCS: I have not viewed a motion picture since 1994!
EV: Okay, this week we’re gonna break down Best Pictsh (or talk about whatever we want to talk about because seriously NO ONE is reading this). Watch, I’m gonna just type stuff that doesn’t make sense: Floors dale railings sauce. JIMMINY rice bangs! Can I get a peanut parp? YOU DAVED IT.
FEDDD: Obviously my first thought is "Did you guys ever see that pic of Benedict Cumberbatch doing motion capture for Smaug?" because that is my entry point into every conversation.
EV: I do that exact same stretch for my lower back and I'm not kidding. They're called press-ups. (I call them dick-ups.)
FEDDD: I've only seen four of these movies, but I have seen all 8 movie posters. You have to give Selma a lot of credit for breaking the trend of depicting brooding men looking right at us or at some drums or a rad sniper gun and instead having a guy with his back to us. What a power move!
But you have to give even MORE credit to the one movie that doesn't show any people at all and just straight up features a building.
Now of course I am biased here for two reasons. First, Grand Budapest Hotel was my favorite movie of the year, inching out Raid 2 and YouTube video "obese dog farts on a pigeon". And second, I am what you might call a TOTAL ARCHITECTURE NUT who also does not enjoy the gaze, touch, company or idea of other people. This movie was for me! That said, Richard Linklater filmed Boyhood over 12 years which is the ultimate power move and he's got this category in the bag. Now if you'll indulge me in a brief acceptance speech of my own: Thank you very much to the 144 of you who are reading this or the 12 of you who are reading this 12 times.
EV: Boyhood absolutely blew my butt all over my butt (I have two butts). The movie itself was only a B; the story was fine, the dialogue was decent, but the gimmick ramped it up to an A+ and that song at the end caused tears to drip out my butt (I have butt eyes).
Grand Butt was great too. Wes Anderson can do whatever he wants and I’ll love him unconditionally. It wasn’t his besttttttttttttt movie, I think that’s clear, and I think it got nominated because of some Hollywood politics stuff, and some studio big wigs are trying to get him and his movies into the mainstream so that maybe one day they can start to make some money, but I have absolutely no idea if that’s true and am totally talking out of my butt (I lied before, I actually have three butts and one of them is my mouth and I actually have nine butts and that’s why people call me Nine Butt Wally).
SARA CIRCS: Guys, you might be wondering what I’m doing here, as I did not see a single one of these movies. Truth be told, the last movie I saw in the theater was Annie: Cameron Diaz Is Over, and that was ONLY because it was the only kids’ movie that was out at the time. Even though I bought two tickets, my four-year-old son (five as of today!!), who is three quarters my size, sat on my lap the entire time. Over the course of the film, he ate 16 lbs of popcorn, squirmed impatiently during numerous uncomfortable rap moments, and asked to leave early because apparently he’s only interested in orphans when they’re white (Oliver (1968), Best Picture, Best Director, Best Art Direction-Set Decoration, Best Sound, Best Music, Score of a Musical Picture).
So, what am I doing here? Well I will fucking tell you. Look at those movie posters. You know what I see? I see a bunch of fucking dudes (and a hotel and a drumset and, yes, okay, one woman, but also a birdman). Hmm. Seems 2015 is the year of the dudes. Thrilled we’re finally recognizing dudes in movies. Thrilled I’m the first person ever to make this point. Hey guys, it looks like dudes are having their moment! Finally, a mome for dudes. Hey dudes, can you combine two sperm to make a person? No? THEN SIT THE FUCK DOWN. I’m ready for a movie that literally has zero dudes in it, twenty fucking women, and just shitloads of ova (dudes, that’s latin for FEMALE EGGS). The plot of the movie is that the ova join together to make an ova army and turn global warming around. Ova Easy (2016), Best Pictsh, Best Actress, Best Actor (as Portrayed by an Actress), Best Ovum, Best Everything Else.) I am absolutely going to murder a man in the next 72 hours.
EV: Holy shit.
FEDDD: I'm with the broad on this one!
EV: So are you Los Angeles dipshits doing anything for the big show? Hot parties? Cold dips? I'm thinking about growing another butt.
FEDDD: I am going to rent a car and drive it into the ocean.
SARA CIRCS: Sharpening my scimitar.
EV: So no dips then?
Read last week's preview on Best Actor and Best Actress here or don't I honestly don't give a shit.