Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The Bach: Last night we met a guy named Laren. Yes, you read that right. Laren.

Wowzers bowzers.


I am letting you know right off the bat that this entire post is about Laren. No, that's not even true, it's about the fact that there is a person in this world named Laren. In my 37 years as a human, I have never once heard the name Laren. I have heard of Jaren, as in Jaren Jackson, former shooting guard for the San Antonio Spurs and Portland Trailblazers, but never Laren. But after last night, I have now heard the name Laren. And that deserves its own blog post. 

When Jade said his name for the first time last night I turned my wife and said "Did she just say Laren?" and my wife wasn't really paying attention because she was looking at pictures of our cat on her phone so I rewound it and turns out that yes, his name was in fact Laren. And that's incredible. 


Originally in my notes I jotted his name down as "Laryn," with a Y, but it's actually Laren with an E (like the normal spelling of Karen, except not that name, because this man's name is Laren). When you stop and think about it for a sec you can almost convince yourself that Laren is in fact a name, like Lauren, or Jaren, but it's not. Or at least it wasn't until last night.

It's amazing how fine I am with the name Jaren. Maybe that's because I'm used to black people giving their kids fucked up names. And before you go off and are all, "OMG EV THAT'S SO (Raven, also a fucked up name) RACIST," shut up. Just shut up. It has long been acknowledged that black people give themselves some fucked up names. We're allowed to say that. That's a thing. But white people are starting to catch up. My stupid brother and his wife named their son Adlai (pronounced "Add-lay") and they expect people to know how to say this kid's name. Some people say Add-lie. Others say Ad-ah-lay. Even Adlai who is two and a half has no idea how to say his own name. I walk up to that dude and I'm like, "Yo Adlai lemme see that pirate hat," and he's like, "I'm Ah-lay" and I'm like, "What?" and he's like, "I'm Ah-lay!" and I'm like, "No you're not dude you're Adlai and your name is fucked up as shit so pass me that pirate hat if you wanna see your Uncle Ev lookin flyyyyyyy as fuh baby BAY-BEH," and then he snatches the hat and puts it on his own head WHEN HE KNOWS I WANNA TRY IT ON.


Laren seems to actually be doing quite okay for himself despite the fact that his name is Laren. He's got a cute, modest little rancher house in Nebrask and a daughter who is wayyyyyyyyyyy sexier than any virgin. He also has a piano in his home. A piano! That was shocking. Absolutely shocking. That coulda been its own blog post right there, and I recognize that it's totally #rude of me to be surprised that those people had a piano, but I was fucking SHOCKED that those people had a piano. I wonder who plays it? Probably Laren. Obviously Laren. He's a renaissance Laren.


Besides raising a daughter who showed off her vagj in Playbs (which I greatly appreciate) Laren also produced a son who looks exactly like Boyhood director, Richard Linklater... 




I know!
Shout out my boy @lolarsystem for the pic. 

This post easily could've been 30,000 words about Richard Linklater Junior. But it's not. It's about Jaren. I mean Laren. See even right there I wanted to call him Jaren because that seems like a name that you might actually say. But that's not this man's name. This man's name is Laren. 

Of all the people we've met so far this season, Laren is by far my favorite, and not just because his name is Laren (although that obviously plays a big part in it). Laren and Jade seemed to have a real, sweet, emotional father-daughter connection. And he was totally supportive of the whole glossy vagina thing.


Anyway, I fucking love that guy and would love to watch him play the piano while his son stood in the background doing nothing besides looking like Richard Linklater Joons. Also I am so fucking happy that Britt was sent home because she was lame as shit and not to say I told you so, but I told you so!!!


I also told you this post was gonna be only about Laren. 


See you next week, everybody!

RIP Sanderson. 

This song goes out to Carly (who I actually liked). 


 


Yoooooooooooooo, want more Bach stuff? Check out our Bachcap™over at Zoo With Roy. Or don't who cares life is meaningless. Here's some pictures of Frank. 


One of his favourite spots. 


HOW CAN ANYONE HANDLE ANYTHING

BONUS: JADE'S PLAYBOY VID. VA VA VA VOOMERS. 

15 comments:

  1. Just because a kid can't pronounce his own name doesn't make it a bad name, I couldn't say mine as a kid either. Actually that's probably a bad sign because 99.99%of people have no idea how to pronounce my name. And don't get me started on Starbucks cups. But whatever, it's a good name because it was from a tv show that was on tv. And now so is Laren.

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    1. I can't tell if you're defending the name Adlai, defending the name Corinne, or defending all names that hard to say including Fraylve ... but I do know that Laren is a pimp and I miss him so so much.

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  2. For a split second, around the two minute mark, I thought I spotted Frank in Jade’s video. Then I realized it was just her weird, fringy boots behind her.

    Frank is wayyyyy more swanky.

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  3. Just because a kid can't pronounce his own name doesn't make it a bad name, I couldn't say mine as a kid either. Actually that's probably a bad sign because 99.99%of people have no idea how to pronounce my name. And don't get me started on Starbucks cups. But whatever, it's a good name because it was from a tv show that was on tv. And now so is Laren.

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    1. Seems like you're having a little trouble with the ole "publish" button, Corinne.

      Delete
  4. How is there no "Frank" tag? Even Zoology with Rob Roy has a Frank tag!

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    1. That's a great questch, Anonymous. PS I love your poems.

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  5. Ev...what in god's name are you talking about?

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  6. They should do an ABC movie about this guy called "I Know My Name is Laren" where the Evster kidnaps him just to hang out and play the piano for God knows how many years.

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    1. Sorry...I meant "I Know My First Name is Laren."

      Delete