Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The Bach: Breaking Down the Most Bonks Ep of the Year

That's a stupid hat and you know it!

Look, I don't want to be here either. You're not happy that you read this blog. I'm not happy about writing it. In fact, I LOATHE writing it. And we both hate ourselves for watching this stupid game show every single week. But we're here now, and we both feel sexy as hell, or at least I do (hellllooooo, long underwear) so we might as well make the most of it. Besides, last night's ep was BY FAR the most bonks ep of the season, so bonks in fact that it's time for ... yep, you guessed it ... you know what's coming ... you know what's coming you TVMWW superfan, you! ... it's time to break out ...


Beep boop beep boop beep boop boop!

Welcome back, Mr. Bonky Bonks!

There were so many bonks momes last night that I just had to fire up the ole Bonkutron Five Thou'y. So let's see just how bonks those moments really were.

The Tantric Love Guru Scene
I saw a few rumblings on Twitter last night that this scene was super awkward and difficult to watch. I totally disagree. I found it to be supes dupes FLUPES hot (omg did someone say "flupes flupes"?! Flupes FLUUUUUPES!), especially when the lady mounted Chris and they had to hold their wet, sopping, non-Jewish mouths an inch apart from each oths. I tried that once with my wife (while also gripping her ponytail to show her I was da boss) and it was HAWT. I mean, yeah, it obviously led to premature ejaculashe on my part (as have pretty much 95% of my sexual experiences), but it was still incredible (even though she did in fact end up becoming the boss that day and every day since.) 

Bonkutron 5000 Score: five or six bonks!

Kelsey's Husband being named SANDERSON?
Okay, the whole thing where Kelsey kept saying that her story was "amazing," and how proud she was to tell it, and how she kissed Chris (the farmer, not Harrison) moments after weeping over her dead huzzy, that was all weird, that was all very very weird, but it paled in comparison to the fact that her husband's parents gave him such a dumb, dumb name. 

How is that not a deal-breaker when meeting someone? I know that I've been out of the dating scene for quite some time, and I know that when a person turns 30 they start to become more accepting and understanding of other people's faults, because the clock is ticking and the single people pool is drying up (I'm talking figuratively AND about women's pussies), but how could ANYONE be into a person named Sanderson? This is how I feel Kelsey and Sanderson's first date should've gone:

KELSEY:  Hi, I'm Kelsey. 

SANDERSON:  Nice to meet you, Kelsey. I'm Sanderson. 

KELSEY:  Nice to meet you too, Sanderson. So, what do you do for a living?

SANDERSON:  Well, I'm currently in betwe--

KELSEY:  Wait a minute what the fuck did you say your name was? 

SANDERSON:  Sanderson.

KELSEY:  Sanderson?


KELSEY:  Say it again.

SANDERSON:  Sanderson. 

KELSEY:  Am I catching an S in there? 


KELSEY:  An S in the front of the name? In the beginning.


KELSEY:  Sanderson? 

SANDERSON:  Yes. It's spelled, S-A-N, D-E...

KELSEY:  Yeah yeah, I get it. I get it. Sanderson. 

SANDERSON:  Like Anderson, but with an...


OTHER PERSON:  Excuse me, is there a problem here?

SANDERSON:  No sir, there's no pr--

KELSEY:  Yeah we got a little bit of a problem.

SANDERSON:  It's okay, she's just having a little...


SANDERSON:  I dunno, it seems like you might be...

KELSEY:  Might be what?! Say it, dude. Say it. 

SANDERSON:  I don't understand what's going on here.

KELSEY:  Your name is fucking Sanderson, dude. Your name is fucking Sanderson.

OTHER PERSON:  Your name is fucking Sanderson?

KELSEY:  This date is over. 

SANDERSON:  Because of my name?

KELSEY:  And your saggy-ass tits. 

SANDERSON:  Well that I can understand. 

OTHER PERSON:  Me too. :( 

Well that bit of dialogue lasted around 18 lines longer than it had to, didn't it? And did it make sense at the end there? That the other person had saggy tits too? That's why he was sad also. Whatever, no one's reading this shit anyway.

That fucking lady's story isn't even that amazing. You know what story is amazing? Some Hollywood studio exec made a movie about dog who was fucking amazing at basketball. And he went on to make millions of dollars! I hate this television show. I fucking hate it. 

Bonkutron 5000 score: I dunno, three bonks?

This is Bruce Jenner!

Anything That Virgin Kardashian Says
Yo. She might be the craziest of all time. She just might be. I'm not yet ready to anoint her the all-time craziest, but she's getting there. Also omg Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman?!?! THAT'S LIKE A LEVEL 19 BONKS.

Back to the Virgin Kardash: it's like, I think I disagree with everything she ever says. For instance, she said yesterday that she didn't understand why Chris (the farmer, not the midget gameshow host) allowed Jordan back on the show because she's so much different from her and HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY LIKE SOMEONE WITH A TOBOGGAN ASS? Dude, I think it's safe to say that people can like all different types of people. Sure, we all have a type, and my type happens to be an extremely large Trinidadian woman who spits in my face and tells me what a stupid piece of shit I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not also attracted to blondes and redheads and every single boys' lacrosse player I've ever met.

If I were the Bach, I woulda just stood in front of those ladies and said, "Yo, here's the deal, luh-luh-luh-LAY-dees," and then provided they didn't all just walk right out the door, I'd continue, "I'm giving Jordan a second chance. I know you think that's unfair, but if it's meant to be between you and me, it doesn't matter how many chicks I bring back on this show. Just have confidence in yourself and in the entire Bach process even though this show has like a 4% success rate and basically all of you are terrible, terrible, terrible people. PS are any of you from Trinidad and how far can you spit?"

Bonkutron 5000 score: four bonks!

Read this jawn when you get a chance.

Britt's Stupid Smiley Face
Ugh. She's still the worst. I can't get over that goddamn 37-minute hug from episode one. And now she's just smiling all the time and tripping the light fantastic and NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT NAP TIME LADY UNLESS IT INVOLVES A #MILKMAID. I'm sorry, I really am. I'm so sick of writing this blog and trying to come up with jokes jokes jokes. I can't believe Kelsey kissed Chris (the boring fuck, not the slimy shitbag) on the nose seconds after telling him her husband's heart exploded. That was bananarama bonks.

Bonkutron 5000 score: Who gives a shit I want you all to die.

Want more TVMWMWMWMWMWMWMWM in yo lyfe? Follow me on Twitty Twang or read this shit I wrote last year about going to a Caribbean Festival. Or just check out this horsefrog. That's what I would do.

Oh fuckballs I just remembered that last week I promised to include a full bod shot in this week's post if anyone donated to TVMWW. And people did! And(you can still donate by the way, just Paypal: DonDings@yahoo.com. For every dollar I receive, I will send you that many thank you emails. Anyway, here's your goddamn pic you skuzzbuckets. #Lick #dem #lips. 



  1. re #Hansel:

    Alright....ALRIGHT!!! I'll pay the ransom. Just please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, let my father out of your closet!.

    1. I think you're saying that I look like your father. Well let me tell you, Doutzen, your father must be #HOT #AS #FUCKKKKKKK.

  2. How was one of your bonks momes not the one where Chris (the fuckfarmer, not the fuckfarmer) was massaging the playboy lady's hypothermic calves?

    1. The only thing that was bonks about it were her stupid California socks (but I do think that little bear on the Cali flag is supes cupes).

  3. 1. You really should trademark Bonkutron and buy the domain. You just know someone is going to come up with a kick-ass sex robot and want that name. You would clean up. Cash money.

    2. LOATHE? Lighten up man. Try one of these:

    Option A
    Killer song and cool video. Three words: chicks, shorts, rollerskates. And...bonus for the ladies, the dude is actually pretty hot at the end of this particular video. I’d do him.


    Option B
    Even though it’s a commercial, it’s adorbs as I think you would say:


    P.S. "full bod shot" should include man nips at a minimum.

    1. You're right. I apologize for the weak full bod shot. STILL, THAT'S ALMOST A FULL BOD.

  4. How was one of your bonks momes not the one ..