Thursday, February 12, 2015

Oscar Preview w/ Feddd & Sara Circs: Best Actor & Actress

Hey Oscar, are you ready for the Oscars?

"My name's Oscar!"

How 'bout you Oscar Pistorius?

"Help I just shot and killed my girlf!
There's
 blood everywhere lol!"

Ummm, wrong number Oscar lmao. No but seriously folks, looks like Oscar's going to jail... for Life (1999, starring Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence, nominated for Best Makeup).

To celebrate Oscar killing his girlf -- and to get us ready for Hollywood’s big night -- I've invited TVMWW's Official Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, back to the blog. Quick refresher on their credentials: Feddd has a masters in screenwriting from Boston University, and Circs went to middle school with Jake Gylls.

Let's do this!

EV:  So Guys (and Dolls (1955), nominated for Best Art Direction), are you ready to talk movies?!

SARA CIRCS:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

FEDDD:  smile emoji.jpgpistol.png

EV:  Oh BE-HAYVE (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)). Today, we will break down the nominees for Best Actor and Best Actress. Next week we will tackle Best Pictsh. So let's start with Best Actress. My vote goes to Oscar Pistorius’s girlf jk she’s dead rofl.

L to R: Some lady, Julianne Moore, Reesey,
Jackie Onassis Jr., Darryl Hannah. 

And the nominees are:

Marion Cotillard -- Two Days, One Night (nope)
Felicity Jones -- The Theory of Everything (aka The Theory of Nope)
Julianne Moore -- Still Alice (RIP Ann B. Davis)
Rosamund Pike -- Gone Girlf (ugh)
Reese Witherspoon -- Wild (not a real movie)

Whaddya think, Circs?

SARA CIRCS:  I haven’t seen a movie since 2007. That said, I think it’s either gonna be Pike or Witherspoon. Witherspoon because, like her old Election (1999, nominated for Best Screenplay) character Tracy Flick, she has been campaigning hard (Ev please post a pic of the Election (1999) poster and someone please explain to me why they used Kate Hudson on that poster instead of Reese Witherspoon). And Pike because like a pike (a type of fish), Pike is sexy, British and was in a suspenseful movie. These things might also be true of the other ladies in this cat’ (short for category), but I just feel like their movies aren’t as famous and they’re not gonna win and I ABSOLUTELY don’t care enough to do any research.

That really does look like Kate Huds.

EV:  So who did you pick? Pike, Reese or Kate Huds?

SARA CIRCS:  Remind me what we’re talking about again.

EV:  Oscar Pistorius. The guy literally shot and killed his girlf in cold blood (1967, nominated for Best Original Score AND Best Cinematography) and got off. How is that possible? And how was he born without feet?! I smell a SCREENPLAY. Ummm, Daniel Day Lewis much? (Best Actor, My Left Girlf (1990), There Will be Blood All Over My Girlf (2008), Lincoln Fucked My Girlf So I Shot Him In His Fat Face (2013)).

You’re up, Feddd!

FEDDD:  What a strong group of performers! So it's really too bad that there's a huge asterisk next to this category because none of these women are Keri Russell in The Americans. I'm sure Marion Cotillard turned in a powerhouse performance, but I doubt she seduced and then killed even one guy using poison or hand-to-hand combat in Two Days, One Night. In fact, did any of these women kill a guy in any of these movies? The answer is yes. Rosamund Pike actually murders a guy in a very intense and sensual way in Gone Girl and it's probably the best scene that's ever been in a movie. That said, this is Julianne Moore's category. We all saw Still Alice and were moved by her portrayal of the main character Alice Stillman as she battles restless-leg syndrome and tries to stay still. Some of us also saw Theory of Everything and were really surprised to find that it was fucking sad as shit and actually kind of ruined a date that we were pretty excited about. MEMO TO BRITISH MOVIES: Nobody wants to see an honest depiction of love! Candy-coat it for me, you English son of a bitch! Also, if Felicity Jones (who was excellent) wandered into The Americans, Keri Russell would honestly stuff her into the trunk of a car SO fast.

EV:  Will you guys shut up for five minutes and admit that this is the lamest group of nominees in Oscar (1999, starring Sylvester Stallone) history? Reese Withies and Julianne Moore are the only famous people in this category and I'm not even sure if their movies are real. I’m picking Marion to win because my mom has a friend named Marion and her husband’s name is Dick.

Speaking of 8====D, Best Actor!

L to R: Steve Carrell (lookin like Ben Stiller!), Michael Keats,
Nerdbutt Jenkins, Suspenders McGee, Bradley Coops

The nominees are (I mean, I just told you above, but whatevs):

Steve Carell -- Foxcatcher (didn't see it)
Bradley Coops -- American Snipes (more like American BEAUTY (1999), Best Pictsh)
Benedict Cumberbatch -- No One Cares
Michael Keats -- Birdman
Eddie Redmayne -- The Theory of Birds

SARA CIRCS:  Ugh why do I always have to go first? Definitely DID NOT see any of these movies. Has anyone noticed how hot Steve Carell can get when he has like a beard and stuff? So basically Michael Keaton can do no wrong in my eyes (Beetlejuice (1988, Best Makeup), anyone?) and I think it’d be cool if he won. I think Bradley Cooper is like whatever, probably not as nice a guy as people want to think he is, and Eddie Redmayne is a litttttttttle in over his head with this nomination (isn’t he like 17?). Nice try, Les Mis (2012, Best Supporting Actress, Best Makeup, Best Sound Mixing)!

I’m positive I’m the first to notice this but THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL SO WHITE.

EV:  I didn’t see any of these movies either, but I did see the trailer for American Sniper and it was RIVETING. Will Bradley Coops shoot the little kid or will he NOT shoot him? NO IDEA. Like I said, didn’t see the movie. I’ll tell ya what movie I am gonna see though: Fifty Shades of Dick!

Mr. Momma Mia Teri Garr va va va voom!

FEDDD:  This is something of a historic category as it marks the first time ALL FIVE nominees fucking tricked me into thinking their movies wouldn't be sad as shit and end up kind of ruining my night. Now, I didn't actually see Barnadict Cubmersmack's entry, but I give The Imitation Game credit for an honest trailer that said right up front, "Hey, just a heads-up, things don't go great for this guy." But the rest of these movies used things like wrestling, guns and science to trick ol' Feddd into thinking he was in for a nice time at the theater. WRONG, FEDDD. Now, I won't even fault Foxcatcher for having such a misleading title because honestly I didn't do my research and that's on me. But I do blame it for being a weird, alienating, fat fucking bummer and, for me, watching Carell was the opposite of joy. American Sniper was a solid war flick and B-Coop is good, but excuse me Ice Cube took out a helicopter with a Nerf football in Three Kings and he didn't get an Oscar nom so you tell me what's going on here. Birdman was basically the best jazz concert I went to this year and Keaton is always fun to watch. But you can't show me a guy levitating and fighting dragons in the trailer and then give me a movie about relationships not working out. MEMO TO AMERICAN MOVIES DIRECTED BY MEXICAN GENIUSES: Candy-coat it for me, you visionary son of a bitch! Everyone knows this is Redmayne's year. He wheeled his way into our hearts and then ran over it 70 times when he left his dutiful wife for his speech therapist in The Theory of Fuck Your Date Federman Hope You Remember How to Get Back to Her House Because That is Where You Will Be Taking Her ASAP Your Night Is Over.

SARA CIRCS:  Maybe if you didn’t see movies you know nothing about, they wouldn’t end up ruining your dates, you’d actually have sex, and then you’d have children and would be unable to see movies like some people I know. JUST A THOUGHT.

EV:  That’s not a bad thought, Feddds.

FEDDD:  I don't think it's too much to ask to have a nice time at the theater and not have any Kids (1995, Larry Clark).

EV:  I honestly can’t believe how many of these movies you’ve seen, Feddds. You haven’t paid your fantasy football dues in over three years, but yet you’re directly responsible for over $3,000 in box office ticket sales. Last questch for you two bozos: You have 15 bones to spend on movie time concessions. What ya gettin?

SARA CIRCS:  $15? What can that get you these days, three individual Sno Caps? (Snow Dogs (2002), starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.) Lol no but seriously guys, speaking of Snow Dogs (2002, starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.), I actually would buy a hot dog and Junior Mints (and I am 100% dead serious about this).

FEDDD:  My main move (I've done it twice) is to sneak in a bag of Wetzel's Pretzel Bites in the theater and then use the bag to barf into when I'm done. Also, one theater out here has Kinder Happy Hippos and I can't even say they're great but biting into a hippo is the ultimate.

EV:  I'm a popcorn and Raisinettes fan myself (and also a fan of dudes' asses).

See ya next week!

Adorbsz!

Yo, make sure you follow Feddd and Circs on Twitter (even though Feddd's semi-retired). Or if you want more Feddd and Circs, read some of our Oscar Gchats from last year. And follow me on Twitter too if you don't already. Or don't. I don't give a shit. Just check out these Latrell Sprewell socks that are only 16 bucks! I just ordered a pair. Also Rik Smits!


No comments:

Post a Comment