Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Bachelor: That Crazy Lady is not Even the Craziest Lady

Before we get it poppin fliggy floppin egg choppin this week (sorry), take a quick second to listen to this voice mail that my mother left me on Monday night. Calm down, it's only 25 seconds long. Just listen to it, you jerk. Stop being difficult.




DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, MOM.

I wanna share a thought this week that I truly, honestly believe. A declaration I'd like to make about one of the contestants, and not one of those things where I'm like, "I'm being honest here" and then say something stupes like, "That one lady has an armadillo butt!" No, something genuine. That I've given a lot of thought to. And that is: I think that as crazy as that one lady is -- the one who was acting like a lunatic during paint ball -- and she is crazy, like, certifiably needs to be on meds crazy, and we might've witnessed her having a legit psychotic episode last week, as crazy as she is, I think Britt (the lady who loves hugging) might be wayyyyyyyyyyy crazier.

Let me explain.

You cannot overlook that initial 49-second hug from week one. It was REALLY weird. One of the weirdest things I've ever seen, not just on this show, but in life, right up there with the time that dude tattooed "guard and protect your heart" on his forearm or when my mom left me a voicemail saying "no sticking it up the ass this time." But the hug, and hugging in general, only a true maniac could be that into hugging.

Totally norms.

When I was in high school, there was one girl in my group of friends who LOVED to hug. Like, that was her thing, and anytime we said goodbye to each oths (be it after class, or after school, or after I tried to fingerbang her in the backseat of my mom's Camry), she wanted to hug. And granted, 15-year-old Evster was WAY into hugging (and fingerbanging), but now that I look back I realize that something was seriously wrong with that girl. For one, she almost let me fingerbang her. Two, she put herself in a position where I thought that I might actually have a green light to fingerbang her. Three, I think she currently works at a non-profit organization. She is nutttttttttsssssssssss.

On top of the hugging, Britt cried (ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, during episode two!) because her "boyfriend" was making out with other chicks. Now, while I acknowledge that seeing your crush tonguing other people can be very upsetting, what was she expecting to happen?! You've seen the show before, lady. You've literally seen every episode of this show. And they're just tongues. No one is tattooing anything on their arms. It's a very simple exercise. One person sticks his or her tongue out. And then the other person rubs their tongue against it. It feels very nice. And warm. The warmth is really what's it all about. And the breathing. The warm mouth breathing. I haven't intentionally warm mouth-breathed on a woman in approximately 12 years. Maybe 13. I've done regular mouth breathing though. I've done plenty of regular mouth breathing. I'd say I sleep in a separate bedroom four, maybe five nights a week.

I just don't understand how Britt was surprised (and hurt) by Chris's tonguing. DAT'S WAT HAPPS ON DA BACH YO. It's as if she went to the supermarket and loaded up her cart with nothing but the most premium namebrand laundry detergent, and then when she got to the checkout counter she was SHOCKED that she had to pay for it. Probably the worst analogy I could've come up with. It's literally nothing like that, mostly because no one in their right might would splurge for the most premium namebrand laundry deterge, it's so expensive! like SO expensive! but you get the point. Or at least I hope you do. I honestly don't care either way. I just want to tell you more about trying to fingerbang that chick in my mom's Camry.

omg calm down, Mom!

I'm not going to!

So we were on our way back from Passover dinner -- I had brought the girl to my Aunt Maxine's because she had never been to a sedar before and was curious as to how Jews celebrated -- and my parents were sitting in the front two seats (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my parents were in the car when I tried to fing-fing!), and earlier in the night the girl had told me that she was way into me, and it was very emotional because I had wanted to fing-fing her for a longgggggg time, so on the way home, I kinda slid my hand onto her thigh and tried to rip her stockings off. And she just sat there and opened her legs a bit, then a little wider, and then a little wider, but I was never quite able to slip the ole fingle-fang in the dang-diggy dang dang if you know what I mang. And you know what? Enough of this. Enough. This is not the type of thing that needs to be shared on the internet. I can't imagine that poor woman would appreciate me sharing this very personal (AND SURPRISINGLY SWEET AND EROTIC) story with you.

She kept looking at me and licking her lips and it was SUPER hot, especially for a high school girl, she was way ahead of her time, but when I really tried the dig in, like realllllllly went for it, I kept catching my dad looking in the rearview mirrOKAY HONESTLY ENOUGH. THIS IS BORDERLINE DISGUSTING. BORDERLINE.

She had long, dirty blonde hair, and had a little goth to her too. She always wore really ripped jeans, and listened to the Cure. Not the biggest ass in the world, but certainly one that could clog up any industrial sized toilet. I'm stopping. I really am. That day, she had on a really short skirt. With stockings. I think I mentioned the stockings already. What kind of 16-year-old chicks wear stockings? Hot goth ones, that's who!

I'm throwing out every zip-up sweatshirt I own. 

It's downright ridiculous that the women are falling in love with a guy who wears hooded sweatshirts with nothing on underneath. How is that not a deal-breaker? How did every one of the girls on that group date not just leave IMMEDIATELY when they saw his bare barrel chest sticking out of the top? Just like, "Oh. Wow. Really? Wow. Okay, sorry Chris. But this isn't gonna work out for me." "Yeah, me neither." "Yeah, me neiths." "Wait, does he not have a shirt on underneath?" "I didn't notice that at first." "I'm sorry, dude. You're a nice guy, but..." "Yeah, I'm sorry too. Best of luck to you." "There's a lot of great girls in that house. I hope you find what you're looking for." "A lot of great girls." "Truly." "Okay, bye Chris." "One of the girls loves you. Like, she's in love with you. Already. The one who loves hugging. Go after her." "Personally, I think she's a little nutso, but whatevs." "Bye Chris." "See ya later, Chris." "Take it easy, Chris." "Bye bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye bye." "Bye." "Later." "Wow, there sure were a lot of girls on this date." "Bye Chris." "He's not here anymore." "Yeah, we're in the limo now." "Where is he?" "He's still standing over there. With his sweatshirt on." "He looks so sad and confused." "He should've worn a t-shirt underneath." "Honestly who wears a sweatshirt without a t-shirt on underneath?" "When I was in high school, this dude tried to finger me in the back of his parent's car." "Was it a Camry?" "Yeah." "That happened to me too." "Me too." "Yeah, me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "You said 'me too' twice." "It happened to me twice." "It happened to me twice too." "Yeah, me too." "Me too." "Me too." I'm stopping.

Back to the other lady, the certifiable one. It's despicable that they're bringing her back for another week. This woman needs help. Like, serious medical help. And you know it was a producer's choice to keep her around. You just know it. OWN UP TO IT, HARRISON. Next week, at the start of the ep, I want Harrison to come out and just say, "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. Last week on the show, Chris gave a rose to a legitimately crazy person. Like, a person who has since been admitted into a hospital. Well, we'd like to admit that we put him up to it, because we thought that including her on the show for another week would help our ratings. And it will. This week she tries to eat a car. It's incredible. I eat shit on a daily basis. Enjoy the show, folks!"

I'm sorry, Mom.

I hate this blog so much.




Hi again, folks. I'm still planning on posting a Downton Abbey Primetime Performer post presented by A1® Steak Snauce this week, I've just been swamped at work. So look for that tomorrow. Also, look at this INCREDIBLE dunk mix of dudes jumping over other dudes (if you're into that sorta thing, which you should be, because it's honestly one of the best dunk mixes ever). #wc #sorrymom

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