Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Bachelor: K.I.T. Keep It Togetherrrrrrrrrrr

Nice cuke.

When I was in high school, my buddy Jermaine came up with the ultimate comeback line. A line that was so lethal, and so versatile, that it could be used at any time, in any situation, and would completely cut down whatever you were trying to say. It was just three simple words: "Calm down please," spoken in the most relaxed, matter-of-fact tone. No matter what you were talking about, or how excited (or calm) you were, Jermaine could make you feel like a total spaz.

"Yo, check out my new Air Jordans!"

"Calm down please." 

"I heard there's a pop quiz in Chem today."

"Calm down please."

"Yo Jermaine, say 'calm down please' to me one more time..."

"Calm down please."

There's nothing you could say back. Nuh-thing. Even if you were calm -- like TOTALLY calm -- Jermaine still made you feel like you should take it down a notch. And as a 16-year-old, nothing was worse than having someone tell you to take it down a notch. Now, 20 years later, I'm realizing that Jermaine's catchphrase still has legs, and would be perfect advice for all Bach contestants (or really any human being who is currently embarking on a new relationship).

For examps:

WHY WOULD THAT LADY TELL WHATSHISNAME ABOUT HER STUPID DEAD HUSBAND?

THAT'S NOT GONNA BRING HIM BACK, LADY.

THAT'S NOT GONNA BRING HIM BACK.

Plus, no man (regardless if he is, or is not, hanging out with 20 bikini-clad women) wants to deal with a lady whose dead huzzy just committed sui. Even if it wasn't the worst idea ever -- AND IT WAS, IT TOTALLY WAS -- but even if it wasn't, why would she share the most depressing nugget of her life in the middle of a pool party?! What would she have to gain? A week of pity immunity? Maybe. But if that was the case, wouldn't it have made more sense for her keep that nugg in her back pocket until later in the seez? I swear, it's like these people have never tried to have sex on national television before!!! Calm down please, Ev! Calm down!

This team was not horrible.

Ugh. When I first started dating my wife, she sucked me in good. She sucked me in realllllllll good. She created this aura that she was totally calm, and laid back, and down for whatever, and I fell for it like the candy-ass sucker that I am. I remember one time early on when we were dating, it was a Saturday night, and I told her I didn't really feel like doing anything, but she was more than welcome to pick up a peetz and come on oves to watch the NBA playoffs with me. She did, and it was amazing, and we spent the entire night watching Sam Cassell and the Clippers destroy the Denver Nuggets. There was even a moment in the game when Cassell and Elton Brand kept running pick 'n roll after pick 'n roll and I moved my furniture around my living room to show her how defensive rotations worked. And she pretended to eat it all up! Like she was genuinely interested! God I was such a sucker! She never once mentioned her dead husband. I ended up taking her to the boneyard like three times that night.

Cool as a cuke. She was always cool as a cuke. Never bugging out. Never confronting me about stuff. It was as if every time I didn't return one of her calls, Jermaine was in her head. It wasn't until later, maybe three or four months into our relashe, when she showed me her true colors. Showed me the bing-bong bonkers woman she really is. After I was already addicted to her vagina.

We were out for a summer stroll, just kind of walking aimlessly, when I suggested we head over to Fenway Park where the Sawx were playing the Yankees. I didn't have tix, and didn't plan on going to the game, but figured it'd be fun to just kind of go over there and check out the action and eat some goddamn funnel cake. It was a long walk from my Cambridge apartment, maybe 45 minutes to an hour, but it was a nice night, and she seemed like a cool lady, so I threw it out there. Twenty minutes into the trek, as we crossed over the Mass Ave. bridge, she had had enough. I tried to pull my University of Maryland Persuasive Speaking 101 knowledge out on her (actual class that I took AND PASSED) and started with some positive reinforcement, "C'mon, it's not too far! You love funnel cake!" and she responded by laying down -- read that again: LAYING DOWN -- on the sidewalk and refusing to move. I was just standing there, on a busy public street, while the woman I was dating was flat on her back. People were stepping over her to get by. Four different dudes on bikes had to jackknife around her. I don't remember what the point of this story was, but I think it's just to reiterate that you need to calmmmmm down, ladies. Go with the flow. Never let 'em see you sweat. Or never date a dude who thinks it's totally normal to take a six mile hike through Boston. Honestly, nothing matters. Do whatever you want. Just don't slurp 'n burp on the first date.

Thanks god for that one lady, the one who refused to kiss Chris. While the other ladies were losing their shit -- Kardashian was buggin' out about #hot #tub #time, Mackenzie was asking Chris why he was kissing other chicks, some other lady was doing something -- at least that one lady stood strong and made Chris wait another week to taste her mouth. That elicited this exchange at TVMWW headquarters.

Me:  See? That's what I'm talking about. She's the only smart one. What's her name?

My Wife:  Becca.

Me:  Becca?

My Wife:  Yeah.

Me:  I take that back.

Kaitlyn acted pretty calm and cool on her Costco date (although I generally think it's SO FUCKING WEIRD that these people sit so close to each other on these dates. Who does that?!? Give each other some leg room for cryin' out loud!). I was really excited that the Bach sent them on a normal date. I've been barking for years that they need to do this, to set up situations where people can really get to know each oths. Not that hanging out with Jimmy Kimmel is normal, but I actually think having Jimmy around helped their date. It's always better to have a non-threatened third wheel to bounce stuff off of, or to lead conversations, and make it kind of a bonding experience for Chris and Kaitlyn. She's obviously the only likable person on this show, but those tattoos of swallows on her arms? Ugghhgghghh. Shouldn't that be a deal-breaker? I mean, I know she's cute and has a good sense of humes, but think about the conversation you'd have to have with your kids one day.

"Daddy, why does Mom have those bird tattoos on her arms?"

"Because Mommy's the worst, son."

I also appreciated that lady with the HORRID white heels jumping into Chris's bed with him. Veteran move. No guy can resist that. And it was nice to see a blatant #tit for once in this show.

Check it out:

Look for it...

Ummmmmm...

That's a #tit.

I don't know man, I'm just so ready for one lady -- or one dude -- to go on this show and be fucking normal. But maybe that's never gonna happs. Maybe every week, we'll see more and more women freaking out, we'll see Britt wearing way too much makeup and having hair with way too much sheen, and we'll see Chris rocking this non-Neil-Lane-endorsed necklace.

I've never.

Ughghghghgghghhhhhh.

Calm down please.






So I know we're not supposed to like Woody Allen these days, but it was just announced that he's going to write and direct a new TV show for Amazon Prime. Plus, he just put out a two-album set on iTunes featuring his stand-up from the 60s. If you've never heard the Wood Man's stand-up, I highly recommend checking it out. Unless you think he molested his daughter. Then I totally understand if you're not into it. If that's the case, check out this nice tiger. He's a nice tiger. I want to pet him. 

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