Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Bach: I'm Hooked, You're Hooked, Let's Just Embrace It

Best thing I've ever done on this website and you know it.

To make money in this world, I work as a writer at an ad agency (NO ONE CARES, EV) and my creative director at work has a little strategy he likes to call "starting with the end." Honestly, I don't know what the fuck he's talking about but I think he means that every project should start by focusing on the result you're hoping to achieve. In the case of The Bach, the whole goal of the show is to essentially rope you in so you keep coming back week after week. So everything they're showing us, from the bikini butts to the muddy butts to the butts that make you go A WHOPP BOP-A-LOO BOP A WHOP BAM BUTT, is to try and get you to tune in the following Monday (and hopefully buy some shampoo in the meantime). Well, this week the Bach producers nailed it (and I can't believe I just used the phrase "nailed it" I'm so sorry, I really am), because last night's ending totally got me. During the Scenes From The Next, they showed some chick slowwwwwwwwwly untying the drawstring on Chris's pajama pants and it was super arousing and I will literally watch any human being have sex.

The other 119 minutes, total horseshit.

But that last minute?

Gold, Jerry!

Gold!

I mean, I guess the rest of the show wasn't thattttttt bad. The camping date was all right. I appreciate that they're doing more normal stuff this seez as opposed to snorkling with cows (which would obviously be amazing). Going camping is something that (non-Jewish) people actually do so it was nice to see these ladies pretending to enjoy it. It was a little weird that they didn't invite any cows, but whatever, maybe next week is #Cow #Week?

I went camping once. Went with my wife and her friends to Glacier National Park and all they wanted to do was straddle the fire and roast their vaginas. I know I talk a lot of shit on this website but I'm not kidding. For four hours these chicks chugged Miller High Lifes and attempted to fertilize their own eggs through the ancient Arabian art of twat-roasting. What does this have to do with the Bachelor? I have no idea. But I really appreciate you reading! Especially all you loyal readers from Arabia. Salem alla Cliff men ajlee!

Google image search: Bachelor Camping

The Cinderella date? Barfffffffffffffffffff. It was downright insulting, especially ABC's in-show advertising of that stupid Disney movie (that I will totally watch and probably blog about). When she heard about the date, the wanna-be Kardashian claimed "That's my element!" which made no sense considering she's from New Jersey. I could understand Mackenzie saying "That's my element!" about a date where she had to abandon her one-year-old child to appear on a popular game show. Or me saying "That's my element!" about a date where I had to go to Marshall's to buy a name-brand, but significantly discounted leather belt that I then had to wrap around my throat while I masturbated using just my feet. But this fairy tale bullshit? It's no one's element. Or maybe it's every girl's element? I'm honestly not sure because I have literally never talked to a woman.

Speaking of WOMEN, did you know that Jade, the lady who went on the Cinderella date, posed for PLAYBOY? It's true. Shout out to TVMWWMMWMW's Downton Abbey expert, Turbo Underscore Timmy, for tipping me off. Here's a link to some of her pics. No twat-roasters, but a couple of nice cow-snorklers. YOU WON'T FIND THAT ON ZOO WITH ROY.

OR SAUDI ARABIA.

COPYRIGHT: PLAYBOY!
Please don't sue me, Hugh Hefs!

So back to the end -- which is also the beginning -- my goal for this post (and for every post): To get you so hooked on TV My Wife Watches that you will send me #cold #hard #untraceable #cash in order to read this blog. Seeing as that's impossible because I don't want to put my address on the internet, how 'bout you send your donations directly to my personal paypal account:

DonDings@yahoo.com

(And I'm not kidding.)

(I tried to set up a new TVMWW paypal account but it didn't work for some reez so let's just roll with DonDings@yahoo.com.)

We'll do it on the honor system. Whatever you want to send -- 10 bucks, 5 bucks, 14 cents -- it's all good. Every cent will be appreciated. And for every dollar you donate, I will send you one personalized email thanking you for your generosity.

So for all you brainiacs out there who majored in Mathematics at Williams College: if you donate $50 to DonDings@yahoo.com, I will send you 50 separate thank-you-emails on 50 separate days.

Obviously I have no idea if any of you will donate, but you can't score if you don't shoot, right?! And omfg you've been getting free content on this blog for SO FREAKING LONG and CASH RULEZ EVERYTHING AROUND ME so let's get it poppinnnnnnnn!!!!

Send me money!

I'm being sers!

(PS if one person donates, JUST ONE PERSON, I promise that next week I will share a FULL HOT BOD shot of yours truly, on this here blog.)

I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY!

MONEYYYYYY!!!



UPDATE: SOME DUDE JUST SENT ME $25!

HOLY SHIT!





Yo, no shim sham this week. Seriously, click here to send me money via PayPal. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this goat saying hi to a horse by rubbing his head against him over and over and over again. It's supes dupes KLUPES cupes!

2 comments:

  1. I'm expecting to see the belt in the photo. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANK YOU FOR YOUR DONASHE.

      EXPECT AN EMAIL SOON.

      (I actually already sent the email)

      (I ALSO JUST SNEEZED!)

      HOLY SHIT

      Delete