Monday, January 5, 2015

Downton Abbey: S5 Ep1 Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce

That's honestly a nice-ass trophy don't even front.

Before we discuss Lady Mary's desire to get boinked by multiple dudes (p.s. fuck you Lady Edith!), a quick word about our wonderful sponsor.

Just wanted to say thank you thank you THANK YOU to the good people at A1® Steak Sauce -- specifically Liza Jenkins and Craig T. Nelson Jr. -- for their unwavering support of the blog. Without your generosity (both financially and emotionally) as well as your connections to the FCC, I would not be able get these posts up every week. So thank you A1® for making dreams come true (and for welcoming TVMWWWMWMW into your family). By the way, Liza, had a great time at the holiday party this year. Ummm, egg nog much? lol. Now onto this week's post!

As always, I am joined by my good pal, Turbo "Underscore" Timmy (who I actually know in real lyfe), to help give out our weekly Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce.

The Evster: Okay Turbs, clearly last season's Primetime Performer of the Year, Lady Mary, is still lookin' to slurp 'n burp this season (which I appreciate). You gotta respect a woman who wants to "test drive" a few "cars" before "reversing" them "back" into "her" "vagina." Then again, she acted a bit prudish when Lord Gillingham propositioned her, so until she literally gives birth during sex, she's not winning any more hardware from me. James on the other hand -- and specifically that old-ass trick who seduced him -- now that's the type creamy, tangy goodness we've come to expect from A1® Steak Sauce Primetime Performers. But still, despite few things being hotter than a 20-something dude blasting an older chick, nothing compares to how sweet Lord Grantham looked in his new super sexy (and totally casjz) robe.

Pretty sexy lamp too.

So that's my choice. Lord Grantham's robe. Whaddya think, Turbs?

Turbo Timmy: This message is for Laura Linney and the people at Viking Cruise Lines: Can we get a goddamn "Previously on Downton" recap episode beforehand or maybe those Pop-Up Video bubbles explaining what the dickens Edith is crying about or who that sultry temptress was the footman got caught slamming? I honestly had no idea what was going on and who anyone was throughout the whole episode. With that being said, here is my recap on what went on and who everyone was in last night's opener.

POOR FUCKING MOLESLEY. The guy can't catch a break. He's a balding older chap who seems to always play second fiddle to the other younger butlers at the house, so in an act of desperation he reaches for the Just for Men - Roofing Tar Edition. Totally backfires and is anyone surprised? He was basically smearing molasses onto his bald head. Everyone hates PFM's new look and he's relegated to downstairs duties where he has to listen to Daisy and Mrs. Patmore bicker all day. BTW props to my girl Daisy for wanting to take math (Evster's note, read: "maths") classes to move on up in this world even though she is so so so dumb and will be making Yorkshire pudding the rest of her pathetic life. (Evster's note: #rude.) Moving on to another poor soul, how about Lady Edith almost burning that place to the ground? The always lurking Barrow notices the smoke and alerts everyone. Lord Granthy rushes in, sees the flames and immediately orders someone to fetch the sand buckets. Which is a good reminder out there to everyone to make sure your fire alarms are functioning and that you have several buckets of sand underneath your sink in case Lady Edith sleeps over and tosses a journal kinda in but kinda out of your fireplace. (Evster's note: good fucking point, Turbs.) 

My A1® Steak Sauce Primetime Performer for this week goes to Lord Gillingham for coming straight out and telling Mary he wants to take her on a nice lil' getaway that will most certainly include banging. Mary annoys me. She sometimes is cool and is definitely hot and looks great in long gloves, but her "I'm still sad about my husband who died in a tragic fiery car crash" act is starting to wear a little thin. I give Lord Gilly props for sticking with it and trying to tame this shrew because she is worth itttttt.

Lord Gilly's def worth it. 

The Evster: Okay, Lord Gilly it is.

Congrats Lord Gilly!

#Nice #book!

Reminder! The Bach starts TONIGHT HOLY SHIT PEOPLE IT STARTS TONIGHT, so keep coming back to TVMWMMWWMWM all week long for more wet hot blogging action!!!! Or just look at this hippopotamus. His name is Wendell. He's a nice hippo.

Also, if you wanna catch up on the old Primetime Performers, check 'em out belowwwwwwww:

Seez 4 Week 1 -- Daisy 
Seez 4 Week 2 -- Mr. Handsomeface 
Seez 4 Week 3 -- Richard Sherman 
Seez 4 Week 4 -- Mrs. Hughes 
Seez 4 Week 5 -- Pam Oliver's coat 
Seez 4 Week 6 -- Jimmy
Seez 4 Week 7 -- Mr. Molesly
Seez 4  Primetime Performer OF THE YEAR -- Lady Mary

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