Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Bach: I'm Hooked, You're Hooked, Let's Just Embrace It

Best thing I've ever done on this website and you know it.

To make money in this world, I work as a writer at an ad agency (NO ONE CARES, EV) and my creative director at work has a little strategy he likes to call "starting with the end." Honestly, I don't know what the fuck he's talking about but I think he means that every project should start by focusing on the result you're hoping to achieve. In the case of The Bach, the whole goal of the show is to essentially rope you in so you keep coming back week after week. So everything they're showing us, from the bikini butts to the muddy butts to the butts that make you go A WHOPP BOP-A-LOO BOP A WHOP BAM BUTT, is to try and get you to tune in the following Monday (and hopefully buy some shampoo in the meantime). Well, this week the Bach producers nailed it (and I can't believe I just used the phrase "nailed it" I'm so sorry, I really am), because last night's ending totally got me. During the Scenes From The Next, they showed some chick slowwwwwwwwwly untying the drawstring on Chris's pajama pants and it was super arousing and I will literally watch any human being have sex.

The other 119 minutes, total horseshit.

But that last minute?

Gold, Jerry!


I mean, I guess the rest of the show wasn't thattttttt bad. The camping date was all right. I appreciate that they're doing more normal stuff this seez as opposed to snorkling with cows (which would obviously be amazing). Going camping is something that (non-Jewish) people actually do so it was nice to see these ladies pretending to enjoy it. It was a little weird that they didn't invite any cows, but whatever, maybe next week is #Cow #Week?

I went camping once. Went with my wife and her friends to Glacier National Park and all they wanted to do was straddle the fire and roast their vaginas. I know I talk a lot of shit on this website but I'm not kidding. For four hours these chicks chugged Miller High Lifes and attempted to fertilize their own eggs through the ancient Arabian art of twat-roasting. What does this have to do with the Bachelor? I have no idea. But I really appreciate you reading! Especially all you loyal readers from Arabia. Salem alla Cliff men ajlee!

Google image search: Bachelor Camping

The Cinderella date? Barfffffffffffffffffff. It was downright insulting, especially ABC's in-show advertising of that stupid Disney movie (that I will totally watch and probably blog about). When she heard about the date, the wanna-be Kardashian claimed "That's my element!" which made no sense considering she's from New Jersey. I could understand Mackenzie saying "That's my element!" about a date where she had to abandon her one-year-old child to appear on a popular game show. Or me saying "That's my element!" about a date where I had to go to Marshall's to buy a name-brand, but significantly discounted leather belt that I then had to wrap around my throat while I masturbated using just my feet. But this fairy tale bullshit? It's no one's element. Or maybe it's every girl's element? I'm honestly not sure because I have literally never talked to a woman.

Speaking of WOMEN, did you know that Jade, the lady who went on the Cinderella date, posed for PLAYBOY? It's true. Shout out to TVMWWMMWMW's Downton Abbey expert, Turbo Underscore Timmy, for tipping me off. Here's a link to some of her pics. No twat-roasters, but a couple of nice cow-snorklers. YOU WON'T FIND THAT ON ZOO WITH ROY.


Please don't sue me, Hugh Hefs!

So back to the end -- which is also the beginning -- my goal for this post (and for every post): To get you so hooked on TV My Wife Watches that you will send me #cold #hard #untraceable #cash in order to read this blog. Seeing as that's impossible because I don't want to put my address on the internet, how 'bout you send your donations directly to my personal paypal account:


(And I'm not kidding.)

(I tried to set up a new TVMWW paypal account but it didn't work for some reez so let's just roll with DonDings@yahoo.com.)

We'll do it on the honor system. Whatever you want to send -- 10 bucks, 5 bucks, 14 cents -- it's all good. Every cent will be appreciated. And for every dollar you donate, I will send you one personalized email thanking you for your generosity.

So for all you brainiacs out there who majored in Mathematics at Williams College: if you donate $50 to DonDings@yahoo.com, I will send you 50 separate thank-you-emails on 50 separate days.

Obviously I have no idea if any of you will donate, but you can't score if you don't shoot, right?! And omfg you've been getting free content on this blog for SO FREAKING LONG and CASH RULEZ EVERYTHING AROUND ME so let's get it poppinnnnnnnn!!!!

Send me money!

I'm being sers!

(PS if one person donates, JUST ONE PERSON, I promise that next week I will share a FULL HOT BOD shot of yours truly, on this here blog.)





Yo, no shim sham this week. Seriously, click here to send me money via PayPal. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this goat saying hi to a horse by rubbing his head against him over and over and over again. It's supes dupes KLUPES cupes!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Downton Abs S5 Ep 4: Primetime Performer Presented By A1® Steak Sauce


Hey all you hamburgers and cheeseburgers, it's time once again to give out this week's PPPBA1®SS! As always, I am joined by my main man, Turbo Underscore Timmy. Sorry we didn't give out an award last week, we were too busy doing absolutely nothing. But thank you to our generous sponsor!

Onto this week's award.

The Evster: Poor Mr. Molesly. Poor poor poor Mr. Molesly. Nothing goes right for this guy. I mean, first he has to go through life with the name Mr. Molesly. Then there's that whole thing with his hair, and now as Head Footman they're making him do wayyyyyyy too much work. I really really really wanna give him this week's Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce, but I just found these pics of the Dowager Countess from back in the day and va va va voooooooom!

Nice flutter foot!

Nice flutter hand!

Not sure if this is actually her, but I'm lovin'
those freshly shaved armpits!

Turbo Timmy: Yo I didn't watch last night, bro! I'll watch tonight?!

The Evster: Too late, Turbs! We got a blog to run here!

Congrats to the old lady who used to be beautiful but is now old!

So casjz!

Previous winners:

Week 1: Lord Gilly
Week 2: My cat, Frank 
Week 3: BAILED

More PPPBA1®SS here.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Bachelor: K.I.T. Keep It Togetherrrrrrrrrrr

Nice cuke.

When I was in high school, my buddy Jermaine came up with the ultimate comeback line. A line that was so lethal, and so versatile, that it could be used at any time, in any situation, and would completely cut down whatever you were trying to say. It was just three simple words: "Calm down please," spoken in the most relaxed, matter-of-fact tone. No matter what you were talking about, or how excited (or calm) you were, Jermaine could make you feel like a total spaz.

"Yo, check out my new Air Jordans!"

"Calm down please." 

"I heard there's a pop quiz in Chem today."

"Calm down please."

"Yo Jermaine, say 'calm down please' to me one more time..."

"Calm down please."

There's nothing you could say back. Nuh-thing. Even if you were calm -- like TOTALLY calm -- Jermaine still made you feel like you should take it down a notch. And as a 16-year-old, nothing was worse than having someone tell you to take it down a notch. Now, 20 years later, I'm realizing that Jermaine's catchphrase still has legs, and would be perfect advice for all Bach contestants (or really any human being who is currently embarking on a new relationship).

For examps:




Plus, no man (regardless if he is, or is not, hanging out with 20 bikini-clad women) wants to deal with a lady whose dead huzzy just committed sui. Even if it wasn't the worst idea ever -- AND IT WAS, IT TOTALLY WAS -- but even if it wasn't, why would she share the most depressing nugget of her life in the middle of a pool party?! What would she have to gain? A week of pity immunity? Maybe. But if that was the case, wouldn't it have made more sense for her keep that nugg in her back pocket until later in the seez? I swear, it's like these people have never tried to have sex on national television before!!! Calm down please, Ev! Calm down!

This team was not horrible.

Ugh. When I first started dating my wife, she sucked me in good. She sucked me in realllllllll good. She created this aura that she was totally calm, and laid back, and down for whatever, and I fell for it like the candy-ass sucker that I am. I remember one time early on when we were dating, it was a Saturday night, and I told her I didn't really feel like doing anything, but she was more than welcome to pick up a peetz and come on oves to watch the NBA playoffs with me. She did, and it was amazing, and we spent the entire night watching Sam Cassell and the Clippers destroy the Denver Nuggets. There was even a moment in the game when Cassell and Elton Brand kept running pick 'n roll after pick 'n roll and I moved my furniture around my living room to show her how defensive rotations worked. And she pretended to eat it all up! Like she was genuinely interested! God I was such a sucker! She never once mentioned her dead husband. I ended up taking her to the boneyard like three times that night.

Cool as a cuke. She was always cool as a cuke. Never bugging out. Never confronting me about stuff. It was as if every time I didn't return one of her calls, Jermaine was in her head. It wasn't until later, maybe three or four months into our relashe, when she showed me her true colors. Showed me the bing-bong bonkers woman she really is. After I was already addicted to her vagina.

We were out for a summer stroll, just kind of walking aimlessly, when I suggested we head over to Fenway Park where the Sawx were playing the Yankees. I didn't have tix, and didn't plan on going to the game, but figured it'd be fun to just kind of go over there and check out the action and eat some goddamn funnel cake. It was a long walk from my Cambridge apartment, maybe 45 minutes to an hour, but it was a nice night, and she seemed like a cool lady, so I threw it out there. Twenty minutes into the trek, as we crossed over the Mass Ave. bridge, she had had enough. I tried to pull my University of Maryland Persuasive Speaking 101 knowledge out on her (actual class that I took AND PASSED) and started with some positive reinforcement, "C'mon, it's not too far! You love funnel cake!" and she responded by laying down -- read that again: LAYING DOWN -- on the sidewalk and refusing to move. I was just standing there, on a busy public street, while the woman I was dating was flat on her back. People were stepping over her to get by. Four different dudes on bikes had to jackknife around her. I don't remember what the point of this story was, but I think it's just to reiterate that you need to calmmmmm down, ladies. Go with the flow. Never let 'em see you sweat. Or never date a dude who thinks it's totally normal to take a six mile hike through Boston. Honestly, nothing matters. Do whatever you want. Just don't slurp 'n burp on the first date.

Thanks god for that one lady, the one who refused to kiss Chris. While the other ladies were losing their shit -- Kardashian was buggin' out about #hot #tub #time, Mackenzie was asking Chris why he was kissing other chicks, some other lady was doing something -- at least that one lady stood strong and made Chris wait another week to taste her mouth. That elicited this exchange at TVMWW headquarters.

Me:  See? That's what I'm talking about. She's the only smart one. What's her name?

My Wife:  Becca.

Me:  Becca?

My Wife:  Yeah.

Me:  I take that back.

Kaitlyn acted pretty calm and cool on her Costco date (although I generally think it's SO FUCKING WEIRD that these people sit so close to each other on these dates. Who does that?!? Give each other some leg room for cryin' out loud!). I was really excited that the Bach sent them on a normal date. I've been barking for years that they need to do this, to set up situations where people can really get to know each oths. Not that hanging out with Jimmy Kimmel is normal, but I actually think having Jimmy around helped their date. It's always better to have a non-threatened third wheel to bounce stuff off of, or to lead conversations, and make it kind of a bonding experience for Chris and Kaitlyn. She's obviously the only likable person on this show, but those tattoos of swallows on her arms? Ugghhgghghh. Shouldn't that be a deal-breaker? I mean, I know she's cute and has a good sense of humes, but think about the conversation you'd have to have with your kids one day.

"Daddy, why does Mom have those bird tattoos on her arms?"

"Because Mommy's the worst, son."

I also appreciated that lady with the HORRID white heels jumping into Chris's bed with him. Veteran move. No guy can resist that. And it was nice to see a blatant #tit for once in this show.

Check it out:

Look for it...


That's a #tit.

I don't know man, I'm just so ready for one lady -- or one dude -- to go on this show and be fucking normal. But maybe that's never gonna happs. Maybe every week, we'll see more and more women freaking out, we'll see Britt wearing way too much makeup and having hair with way too much sheen, and we'll see Chris rocking this non-Neil-Lane-endorsed necklace.

I've never.


Calm down please.

So I know we're not supposed to like Woody Allen these days, but it was just announced that he's going to write and direct a new TV show for Amazon Prime. Plus, he just put out a two-album set on iTunes featuring his stand-up from the 60s. If you've never heard the Wood Man's stand-up, I highly recommend checking it out. Unless you think he molested his daughter. Then I totally understand if you're not into it. If that's the case, check out this nice tiger. He's a nice tiger. I want to pet him. 

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Downton Abbey: S5 Ep2 Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce

Yo Lady Edith might not suck as much butt as we thought!!!

Hey fartfaces, let's do this (even though it's four days late). As always, my man Turbo (underscore) Timmy is here to help me give out this week's Downton Abbey Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce. Better late than never, right? (Debatable.)

The Evster: I rescued a stray cat this week and now only care about him and nothing else, but shout out to Lady Mary in her continuing quest to get boned (and to Marnie from Girls for getting her butt eaten out). There's nothing hotter than a chick who wants to get boned (or have her butt eaten out). Honestly men are so stupid. Also I can't prove it, but I'm 90% sure my cat's way into butt stuff. He's obviously my Primetime Performer of the Week (presented by A1® Steak Sauce). He has fur on him!


Turbo (underscore) Timmy: I thought it was kinda messed up when Mary sent Anna to the corner store to pick her up some rubbers for her little romantic get away with Lord Gilly. When I was pledging a fraternity in college the brothers (ugh. "brothers". frats are so stupid I know) always sent us to the Uni-Mart for condoms in the middle of parties so I FEEL YO PAIN ANNA THAT AIN'T YO JOB (just like it's not your job to eat coffee ground sandwiches or get peanut butter smeared in your armpits lol frats). But wait back to the show, did you see the contraceptive device that Anna picked up at the store? It looked like one of those scalp massagers but also kinda like one of those drink strainers that bartenders use. I mean what WAS that thing?? Anna was so embarrassed at the shop she rushed out without the instructions for the dang thing. Hey wouldn't it be funny if Ms. Pattmore found it and was all like "Heyyy what's this little thingy I can totally use this to whip me eggs for tonight's custard" then Anna would walk in and get bright red and not know what to do that'd be a classic yolk i mean joke.

My Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce goes to Lady Rose obviouslyyyyy not only is she the absolute hottest she also brought a wireless to the house, Ev! A wireless! Also I think she donated some clothes to Russian refugees which was nice of her.

The Evster: Overruled!

Frank aka South Philly Frank aka Frank the Barber aka Pope Francis aka The Pope aka The Popester is the winner!



Read more Downton Abbey stuff here!!!!!!! Or just tell me how cute my #cat is!!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Bachelor: That Crazy Lady is not Even the Craziest Lady

Before we get it poppin fliggy floppin egg choppin this week (sorry), take a quick second to listen to this voice mail that my mother left me on Monday night. Calm down, it's only 25 seconds long. Just listen to it, you jerk. Stop being difficult.


I wanna share a thought this week that I truly, honestly believe. A declaration I'd like to make about one of the contestants, and not one of those things where I'm like, "I'm being honest here" and then say something stupes like, "That one lady has an armadillo butt!" No, something genuine. That I've given a lot of thought to. And that is: I think that as crazy as that one lady is -- the one who was acting like a lunatic during paint ball -- and she is crazy, like, certifiably needs to be on meds crazy, and we might've witnessed her having a legit psychotic episode last week, as crazy as she is, I think Britt (the lady who loves hugging) might be wayyyyyyyyyyy crazier.

Let me explain.

You cannot overlook that initial 49-second hug from week one. It was REALLY weird. One of the weirdest things I've ever seen, not just on this show, but in life, right up there with the time that dude tattooed "guard and protect your heart" on his forearm or when my mom left me a voicemail saying "no sticking it up the ass this time." But the hug, and hugging in general, only a true maniac could be that into hugging.

Totally norms.

When I was in high school, there was one girl in my group of friends who LOVED to hug. Like, that was her thing, and anytime we said goodbye to each oths (be it after class, or after school, or after I tried to fingerbang her in the backseat of my mom's Camry), she wanted to hug. And granted, 15-year-old Evster was WAY into hugging (and fingerbanging), but now that I look back I realize that something was seriously wrong with that girl. For one, she almost let me fingerbang her. Two, she put herself in a position where I thought that I might actually have a green light to fingerbang her. Three, I think she currently works at a non-profit organization. She is nutttttttttsssssssssss.

On top of the hugging, Britt cried (ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, during episode two!) because her "boyfriend" was making out with other chicks. Now, while I acknowledge that seeing your crush tonguing other people can be very upsetting, what was she expecting to happen?! You've seen the show before, lady. You've literally seen every episode of this show. And they're just tongues. No one is tattooing anything on their arms. It's a very simple exercise. One person sticks his or her tongue out. And then the other person rubs their tongue against it. It feels very nice. And warm. The warmth is really what's it all about. And the breathing. The warm mouth breathing. I haven't intentionally warm mouth-breathed on a woman in approximately 12 years. Maybe 13. I've done regular mouth breathing though. I've done plenty of regular mouth breathing. I'd say I sleep in a separate bedroom four, maybe five nights a week.

I just don't understand how Britt was surprised (and hurt) by Chris's tonguing. DAT'S WAT HAPPS ON DA BACH YO. It's as if she went to the supermarket and loaded up her cart with nothing but the most premium namebrand laundry detergent, and then when she got to the checkout counter she was SHOCKED that she had to pay for it. Probably the worst analogy I could've come up with. It's literally nothing like that, mostly because no one in their right might would splurge for the most premium namebrand laundry deterge, it's so expensive! like SO expensive! but you get the point. Or at least I hope you do. I honestly don't care either way. I just want to tell you more about trying to fingerbang that chick in my mom's Camry.

omg calm down, Mom!

I'm not going to!

So we were on our way back from Passover dinner -- I had brought the girl to my Aunt Maxine's because she had never been to a sedar before and was curious as to how Jews celebrated -- and my parents were sitting in the front two seats (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my parents were in the car when I tried to fing-fing!), and earlier in the night the girl had told me that she was way into me, and it was very emotional because I had wanted to fing-fing her for a longgggggg time, so on the way home, I kinda slid my hand onto her thigh and tried to rip her stockings off. And she just sat there and opened her legs a bit, then a little wider, and then a little wider, but I was never quite able to slip the ole fingle-fang in the dang-diggy dang dang if you know what I mang. And you know what? Enough of this. Enough. This is not the type of thing that needs to be shared on the internet. I can't imagine that poor woman would appreciate me sharing this very personal (AND SURPRISINGLY SWEET AND EROTIC) story with you.

She kept looking at me and licking her lips and it was SUPER hot, especially for a high school girl, she was way ahead of her time, but when I really tried the dig in, like realllllllly went for it, I kept catching my dad looking in the rearview mirrOKAY HONESTLY ENOUGH. THIS IS BORDERLINE DISGUSTING. BORDERLINE.

She had long, dirty blonde hair, and had a little goth to her too. She always wore really ripped jeans, and listened to the Cure. Not the biggest ass in the world, but certainly one that could clog up any industrial sized toilet. I'm stopping. I really am. That day, she had on a really short skirt. With stockings. I think I mentioned the stockings already. What kind of 16-year-old chicks wear stockings? Hot goth ones, that's who!

I'm throwing out every zip-up sweatshirt I own. 

It's downright ridiculous that the women are falling in love with a guy who wears hooded sweatshirts with nothing on underneath. How is that not a deal-breaker? How did every one of the girls on that group date not just leave IMMEDIATELY when they saw his bare barrel chest sticking out of the top? Just like, "Oh. Wow. Really? Wow. Okay, sorry Chris. But this isn't gonna work out for me." "Yeah, me neither." "Yeah, me neiths." "Wait, does he not have a shirt on underneath?" "I didn't notice that at first." "I'm sorry, dude. You're a nice guy, but..." "Yeah, I'm sorry too. Best of luck to you." "There's a lot of great girls in that house. I hope you find what you're looking for." "A lot of great girls." "Truly." "Okay, bye Chris." "One of the girls loves you. Like, she's in love with you. Already. The one who loves hugging. Go after her." "Personally, I think she's a little nutso, but whatevs." "Bye Chris." "See ya later, Chris." "Take it easy, Chris." "Bye bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye bye." "Bye." "Later." "Wow, there sure were a lot of girls on this date." "Bye Chris." "He's not here anymore." "Yeah, we're in the limo now." "Where is he?" "He's still standing over there. With his sweatshirt on." "He looks so sad and confused." "He should've worn a t-shirt underneath." "Honestly who wears a sweatshirt without a t-shirt on underneath?" "When I was in high school, this dude tried to finger me in the back of his parent's car." "Was it a Camry?" "Yeah." "That happened to me too." "Me too." "Yeah, me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "You said 'me too' twice." "It happened to me twice." "It happened to me twice too." "Yeah, me too." "Me too." "Me too." I'm stopping.

Back to the other lady, the certifiable one. It's despicable that they're bringing her back for another week. This woman needs help. Like, serious medical help. And you know it was a producer's choice to keep her around. You just know it. OWN UP TO IT, HARRISON. Next week, at the start of the ep, I want Harrison to come out and just say, "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. Last week on the show, Chris gave a rose to a legitimately crazy person. Like, a person who has since been admitted into a hospital. Well, we'd like to admit that we put him up to it, because we thought that including her on the show for another week would help our ratings. And it will. This week she tries to eat a car. It's incredible. I eat shit on a daily basis. Enjoy the show, folks!"

I'm sorry, Mom.

I hate this blog so much.

Hi again, folks. I'm still planning on posting a Downton Abbey Primetime Performer post presented by A1® Steak Snauce this week, I've just been swamped at work. So look for that tomorrow. Also, look at this INCREDIBLE dunk mix of dudes jumping over other dudes (if you're into that sorta thing, which you should be, because it's honestly one of the best dunk mixes ever). #wc #sorrymom

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Bachelor: America is Officially on Suicide Watch


Are we really gonna do this again? Are we really going to spend the next 12 weeks screaming at our television sets because a lady named her son Kale? I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re right to yell at her. Horrible name. Even worse than Bruce! And her kid is like, what, 1? What kind of woman leaves her one-year-old to go on a game show? A WOMAN WHO WANTS TO GET FUCKED ON TELEVISION, THAT’S WHO. Ugh. Why am I surprised? Nothing on this show should be surprising at this point. One of the ladies is a real estate agent. A REAL ESTATE AGENT. How am I not supposed to watch this?! You think I'm not curious to see what happs when an Iowa farm boy meets a cold-blooded REAL ESTATE AGENT? There’s no sense in resisting. Blogging about this show is why I was put on this earth. Besides, making fun of these women on the internet is the only way I can feel good about the fact that I jacked my D into a public toilet earlier this week.

For those of you unfamiliar with the format of the show, a quick review: Essentially, ABC locks 30 women in a cage while a man dangles his bare testicles above them. The first woman to successfully shave her feet and massage the man's balls (WITH HER WORDS) wins a free pass to all future Bachelor red carpet events. I mean c'mon ABC, a full hour of red carps?! Do it on your own time, Harrison! PS MY WIFE IS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO BUY ONE OF THESE ELECTRONIC FOOT SHAVERS.

Honestly that lady's got really soft #feet and that's a really nice #bathroom. 

The biggest nutjob of the night was Britt – the lady who ended up winning the first impression rose. Ugh, just saying the words “first impression rose” is embarrassing. What the fuck was up with that hug?! HE’S A STRANGER, BRITT. And yet she was embracing him like he just got back from Afghanny. He wasn't in Afghanny, Britt! He was in Iowas! And you had never met him before! Granted, okay, he's a pseudo-celeb, but that doesn't mean you can just grip him up. That's like meeting Monica Malpass at Wawa and immediately trying to give her acupunctsh.

(It's literally nothing like that.)

Frankly, I don’t know how Farmer Chris can handle Britt's sweet and honest and genuine nature. It’s disgusssstinnnngggggggg. When Britt was telling him how she wanted to be there for him, and be the person who he could feel safe talking to, I fully expected him to just send her home right then.

BRITT: I want to be the one you come to when you’re sad, happy, whenever!

FARMER CHRIS: Yeah, yeah, definitely. Definitely. But I'm gonna have to ask you to lea...

BRITT: I just want you to know that YOU’RE the reason I’m here, Chris.

FARMER CHRIS: Totally totally totally, yeah, I know. I know. The door is seriously right over there. Like, right there. And it leads right to the driveway, and there should be a limo out front, and the limo driver is pretty cool, his name is…

BRITT: I lovvvvvve hugs.

FARMER CHRIS: Me too, me too, me too. Yeah, the limo will take you right to the airport. Like, right to it. It’s a pretty straight shot. Chucky?! (**Calls to Production Assistant, Carl, whose name is Carl, but Chris has no idea, he calls him Chucky.**) Chucky! How far is it to LAX? Thirty mins? Thirty-five tops? (**back to Britt**) It’s like thirty-five minutes tops. Right up the 405. I’ll see you later. Or, never. Probably never. I never want to see you again. There shouldn't be any traffic.

Is that a #hamper in the back? Nice #hamper!

Now don’t get me wrong, there were other terrible people on last night’s show. The news producer/horsewoman. Chris Harrison. Actually, those were like the only people I couldn’t stand. Most of the chicks were all right. I mean, not “all right,” but all right as far as this show is concerned. I liked the pomegranate lady. I mean, not enough to ever actually date her or talk to her in line at an abortion clinic, but I appreciated her love of pomegranates.

Then there was the lady whose husband’s heart exploded, and sure, there’s no reason she should be on this show, NONE AT ALL, but she seemed sweet and down-to-earth and fully capable of having a full-throttle meltdown at some point in the near fyooch. Then there was Bo (aka Bo Baby BAY-bay), the plus-sized model (who I obviously loved, but fuck you Farmer Chris you don’t know total hotness when you see it!) and the WWE Diva (in training), how do you not keep her? And then Kaitlyn the Canadian. She's got JOKES. I loved it when she told the farmer that he “could plow her field any day” which means that she would either let him fuck her in the pussy or shave her bush. (Both cool!)

Speaking of jokes, it’s time for...


**clown whistle, slide flute, mooooooooo** (that was a cow)

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey, we got a drink named after you.” Grasshopper says, “Really? You got a drink named Merv?!”

The worst part about these premieres are the gimmicks that people pull when they first get out of the limo. When are these ladies going to learn that gimmicks never work? Just shake the guy’s hand, introduce yourself and then tell him (in the most intense voice possible) that you’ll let him smell your armpits when he gets inside. But these ladies don’t wanna listen, do they? They DO. NOT. want. to. LIS-TEN.

When I first got out of college, I asked some lady out after a party and tried some stupid gimmick and it totally sucked and I’m embarrassed at what I did and will obviously now share the story with you here on the world wide internet.

So it was like the first time I ever asked anyone out on a date. I was like, 23. (Oh shutttt upppppppp. I didn’t say it was the first lady I ever butt blasted. I just said it was the first woman I ever TRULY asked out.) And bear with me on the details, it was like 14 years ago and occurred around the same time that I strangled that bitch in a Best Buy parking lot, so I don’t remember everything about it, but I got her number at some party – although now that I think about it, I think I got her number AFTER the party, like I called the host of the party and asked for her number, or for her last name, and then, wait, I think I actually had to look up her number on the INTERNET, yeah, I did, on Yahoo’s white pages, and omg this is SO much more embarrassing than I thought it was going to be – and when I called her (she was a 3rd grade teacher), I said something like, “Hey, this is Evan. I met you at a party” blah blah blah, and then went into this whole thing where I pretended to work at a bubble gum factory? or a peanut factory? and asked her if she wanted to bring her students in for a field trip (and omg this just keeps getting worse) and then I realized the whole thing was going up in flames and was like, “No, I’m just joking. I don’t really work at a pean…” and she was like, “Oh, really?” and then I asked her out for real and we obviously never went out although now that I think about it how amazing would it have been if I took her to a peanut factory?!?!?

The bottom line is that first impression gimmicks never work, and last night’s gimmicks sucked, although the flight attendant’s seat belt move coulddddddd’ve worked if she handled it a bit differently. Instead of doing that whole, “Buckle up! It’s gonna be the ride of a lifetime!” bullshit, she should’ve just smashed Chris in the face with the buckle and then spit on his chest and said, “Get ready for some turbulence, Farm Boy,” which would’ve TOTALLY guaranteed her a spot in a fantasy suite (am I right fellas out there with at least a 7-inch peener?!).
Fly as fuhhhhhh.

But the worst worst WORST part of this show continues to be Chris Harrison. He should be ASHAMED of himself for that pre-show interview with Nikki, pressing her to talk shit on the good doctor Juan Pabs. Harrison was just badgering and badgering and badgering Nikki to talk smack when eerybody knows Juan Pabs was the realest mofo in Bach history. Interview was like:

HARRISON: So Nikki, were you upset that Juan Pabs didn't make you a priority?

NIKKI: Well Chris Harrison, it wasn’t really like that. We're just different people with different lives.

HARRISON: So what I'm hearing is that he didn't treat you the way you should have been treated. 

NIKKI: Ummmm, no. Not saying that at all. He totally cared for me. Nice guy. We just didn't quite mesh, that's all.

HARRISON: When you would say it was that Juan Pabs started the holocaust? November?

NIKKI: Ummmm…

HARRISON: Late November?

NIKKI: He’s honestly a nice...

HARRISON: How much AIDS did he give you? Like how much AIDS do you have in your vagina right now

Whatever. This show is fucking bullshit. Three stinkin' hours last night and they didn't show us one stinkin' #horse. We're all gonna die one day anyway. Might as well jack our Ds into as many public toilets as we can.

See ya next week!

(I have AIDS.)

For those of you out there like, "OMG YOU DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE DRUNK CHICK." Shut up. She got drunk. She had a tattoo. She woulda been so much cooler if she kept dem Daisy Dukes on. Besides, if you want more more more #BachTalk, head over to my buddy Zoo With Roy's website where me, Zoo and good ole Sara Circs wrote up a little Bachcap®. Orrrrrrrrrr, check out this ENORMO #horse.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Downton Abbey: S5 Ep1 Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce

That's honestly a nice-ass trophy don't even front.

Before we discuss Lady Mary's desire to get boinked by multiple dudes (p.s. fuck you Lady Edith!), a quick word about our wonderful sponsor.

Just wanted to say thank you thank you THANK YOU to the good people at A1® Steak Sauce -- specifically Liza Jenkins and Craig T. Nelson Jr. -- for their unwavering support of the blog. Without your generosity (both financially and emotionally) as well as your connections to the FCC, I would not be able get these posts up every week. So thank you A1® for making dreams come true (and for welcoming TVMWWWMWMW into your family). By the way, Liza, had a great time at the holiday party this year. Ummm, egg nog much? lol. Now onto this week's post!

As always, I am joined by my good pal, Turbo "Underscore" Timmy (who I actually know in real lyfe), to help give out our weekly Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce.

The Evster: Okay Turbs, clearly last season's Primetime Performer of the Year, Lady Mary, is still lookin' to slurp 'n burp this season (which I appreciate). You gotta respect a woman who wants to "test drive" a few "cars" before "reversing" them "back" into "her" "vagina." Then again, she acted a bit prudish when Lord Gillingham propositioned her, so until she literally gives birth during sex, she's not winning any more hardware from me. James on the other hand -- and specifically that old-ass trick who seduced him -- now that's the type creamy, tangy goodness we've come to expect from A1® Steak Sauce Primetime Performers. But still, despite few things being hotter than a 20-something dude blasting an older chick, nothing compares to how sweet Lord Grantham looked in his new super sexy (and totally casjz) robe.

Pretty sexy lamp too.

So that's my choice. Lord Grantham's robe. Whaddya think, Turbs?

Turbo Timmy: This message is for Laura Linney and the people at Viking Cruise Lines: Can we get a goddamn "Previously on Downton" recap episode beforehand or maybe those Pop-Up Video bubbles explaining what the dickens Edith is crying about or who that sultry temptress was the footman got caught slamming? I honestly had no idea what was going on and who anyone was throughout the whole episode. With that being said, here is my recap on what went on and who everyone was in last night's opener.

POOR FUCKING MOLESLEY. The guy can't catch a break. He's a balding older chap who seems to always play second fiddle to the other younger butlers at the house, so in an act of desperation he reaches for the Just for Men - Roofing Tar Edition. Totally backfires and is anyone surprised? He was basically smearing molasses onto his bald head. Everyone hates PFM's new look and he's relegated to downstairs duties where he has to listen to Daisy and Mrs. Patmore bicker all day. BTW props to my girl Daisy for wanting to take math (Evster's note, read: "maths") classes to move on up in this world even though she is so so so dumb and will be making Yorkshire pudding the rest of her pathetic life. (Evster's note: #rude.) Moving on to another poor soul, how about Lady Edith almost burning that place to the ground? The always lurking Barrow notices the smoke and alerts everyone. Lord Granthy rushes in, sees the flames and immediately orders someone to fetch the sand buckets. Which is a good reminder out there to everyone to make sure your fire alarms are functioning and that you have several buckets of sand underneath your sink in case Lady Edith sleeps over and tosses a journal kinda in but kinda out of your fireplace. (Evster's note: good fucking point, Turbs.) 

My A1® Steak Sauce Primetime Performer for this week goes to Lord Gillingham for coming straight out and telling Mary he wants to take her on a nice lil' getaway that will most certainly include banging. Mary annoys me. She sometimes is cool and is definitely hot and looks great in long gloves, but her "I'm still sad about my husband who died in a tragic fiery car crash" act is starting to wear a little thin. I give Lord Gilly props for sticking with it and trying to tame this shrew because she is worth itttttt.

Lord Gilly's def worth it. 

The Evster: Okay, Lord Gilly it is.

Congrats Lord Gilly!

#Nice #book!

Reminder! The Bach starts TONIGHT HOLY SHIT PEOPLE IT STARTS TONIGHT, so keep coming back to TVMWMMWWMWM all week long for more wet hot blogging action!!!! Or just look at this hippopotamus. His name is Wendell. He's a nice hippo.

Also, if you wanna catch up on the old Primetime Performers, check 'em out belowwwwwwww:

Seez 4 Week 1 -- Daisy 
Seez 4 Week 2 -- Mr. Handsomeface 
Seez 4 Week 3 -- Richard Sherman 
Seez 4 Week 4 -- Mrs. Hughes 
Seez 4 Week 5 -- Pam Oliver's coat 
Seez 4 Week 6 -- Jimmy
Seez 4 Week 7 -- Mr. Molesly
Seez 4  Primetime Performer OF THE YEAR -- Lady Mary