Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Wednesday's Wifey: Andrea from 90210, the Oldest Person in the World

aka Gabrielle Farteris (sorry)

In my 37 years in this world, I have made a lot of stupid decisions. Like the time I brought a girl back to my dorm room freshman year and put on a Counting Crows CD. We stayed up all night chatting about her ex-boyf. It was awes.

There were the four years I spent teaching middle school, otherwise known as "Ev's Therapy Years." That was fun.

Then of course how could I forget about the BRILLIANT decision to start this blog. Great career move there, Ev. You're on your way to Grantland!

But of all the boneheaded decisions I've made, the worst one ever, BY FAR the absolute worst, was when I casually mentioned to my wife that old eps of Beverly Hills 90210 were now being shown on TVGN, which is an actual channel that broadcasts a signal that our cable provider provides.

Now you may think, "Whatever Ev, you're just being dramatic. That show's fun. It's stupid, but it's fun. So stop complaining. Just stop. For once in your life, would it kill you to stop complaining about something? And what is with the mouth breathing? There's ways to stop that, ya know. Breathe Rites. Surgery. Killing yourself." But you don't understand. In the past three days, we have watched roughly 84 episodes of this godforsaken show. My wife fucking loves it. LOVES IT. And I don't understand any of it. Like, why would the Walshes give their children names that sound sooooo similar? And is Megan Fox aware of what her husband used to sound like? And what the FUCK is wrong with Brandon?

But there is one character who I have taken a shine to. One character who I feel for, and relate to, and desperately want to hold in my arms. It's Andrea. It's obviously Andrea. You knew that before you started reading this. Her name is mentioned in the title of this post. It's a dead giveaway. Literally, if you look at the top of this webpage, you will see the word "Andrea" written in big, bold letters. There's even a picture of her. I don't know why we're still talking about it. Regardless, I am absolutely smitten with the 47-year-old high school student who has zero redeeming qualities.

There's just something about her annoying, boring demeanor. I feel sorry for her! Forced to hang out with all those young people, with a vagina that is essentially broken. Maybe it's her oversized glasses. Or her fashion sense (or lack thereof). Maybe it's the fact that I'm the type of person who writes stuff like "or lack thereof" and think that maybe she'd sleep with me. Either way, I'm intrigued. I'm so, so intrigued. I've never been more intrigued by anyone ever. So I figured why not make Andrea this week's Wednesday Wifey and do some research to find out who the hell this lady is (and see if she's still alive).


Turns out she is!

And is currently married to Alan Thicke's brother, Dick Thicke (not his name). Absolutely amazing that Dick Thicke buttons his shirt allllllllllll the way up. And not just on this one occasion...


... but all the time!

The whole point of not wearing a tie is that you don't have to button your shirt all the way up! I mean, what is this guy doing to himself? YOU DON'T NEED THAT TOP BUTTON, DICK. I went to a wedding last weekend (whilst wearing a tie) and complained the entire night that I was being choked out by Ricky the Dragon Steamboat. Nice hedges in Andrea's backyard by the way. Looks like Wrigley. Do you think he stuffed that shawl in her mouth later that night? I do. I obviously do.


Despite being out of the public eye for well over a decade, Andrea still has a bunch of Hollywood friends (which is nice for her!). Here she is with left to right: Billie Jean King, that deaf lady (by the way, how bout her BOD?! I see you def lady swingin' out dem birthin' hips!) and Irv Gumbel.



Turns out Andrea is still making movies. Here she is on the set of MALPRACTICE (directed by Micky Dolenz from the Monkees and I'm not kidding!). For the record, this picture was taken in 2001. That's 13 years ago. So Andrea is now 13 years older than she looks in this pic. Yeesh.

Pretty hot gunplay she's getting into there though. Not surprising considering Andj is a total nymph-bot. Here's proof:


Be honest, this picture is hot as fuck. Gagging herself with that Dixon Ticonderoges. The taste of stale wood in her mouth. Struggling to talk as she begs for an extension. "But Mr. Evster, I just need one more night to work on my paper!" Yeah, you need one more night, all right. One more night in my dank basement. *kicks water bowl toward groveling woman, water spilling out onto the cold pavement* No idea where I'm going with this. That's not true. We all know exactly where I'm going with this. I'm making a teenage woman drink out of a water bowl. It was the obvious next step. Maybe I'll bring her some saltines too (if she's good).

Seriously, Andrea is HAWT and you know it.

So let's go rapid fire through some of her hottest super sonic hotness pics.


Here's Ahhhnndrea lookin' like a cross between an old Chrissy Evert and an even older Martha Washington. Cleave is straight bangin' too. You can't deny it.


Lovin' dem calf muscles, girl! And the world's smallest beach towel.



LaceHorseCleave.jpg

Seriously though, he yammers are bangin' here. Haircut cost $11.95, but dem titties... wooooooooo, Dusty!


Little known fact: Most chicks prefer to climax on their stomachs.

GOOGLE IT.


Still got it.

84 years old, and she's still got it. Not really diggin' that low-fat vegan cheese pizza, but lovin' her Katie Couric Jr. hairstyle. I have no idea what the point of this blogpost is. Absolutely no idea. Thanks for reading.

I love you, Andrea.

Rest in peace.

Not dead.

But might as well be.







From now on, I think I'm gonna post a new TVMWMWMWWWM jawn every Wednesday. So there'll be Eagles Report Cards on Mondays at Zoo With Roy, TVMWMWMMW on Wednesdays, and my 700 Levvy column on Fridays. How's that sound? Who cares. Here's a list of animals with fraudulent diplomas. My favourite is Oreo Collins.

11 comments:

  1. dixon ticonderoges is pretty funny dawg i aint gonna front

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never noticed before, but she looks exactly like Reba McEntire.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't we all, Marge? Don't we all.

      Delete
  3. You should do a follow up post to the basement scene of this post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've had it written in my head for 10 years.

      Delete
  4. EVSTER CROSSING THEM
    BLUUUUURRRRED LINES
    My uncle Dick Thicke
    He got a thick dick
    Cuz his name's Dick Thicke

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice job, Zoo.

      Nice job.

      Really nice.

      Delete
  5. CAUSE YOU'RE A GOOOOD GIRRRRRRRRRL
    ...but really dick thicke
    his name is dick thicke
    he got a thick dick...

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just realized that it counts your comment replies as comments, so now I know that really, your readership is half of what I thought. Love me some GABRIELLES!

    ReplyDelete