Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Bachelorette: The Real Reason Farmer Chris Got Sent Home

Horse and horse. 

Yeah yeah yeah, this blog still exists, get over it... we've got a shitty-ass TV show to talk about.

Look, we all know this seez of da Bachelorette has been a colossal failure. There's no getting around that. No matter how Chris Harrison spins it, or what hilarrrrriousssss moments took place -- remember when that one guy wore PANTS?! -- nothing will change the fact that this seez has been lame as butt. Dorf has been a dorf. Cody might be (the key word there is might be) certifiably retarded. Markus's chest hair was dope, I'll give him that, but everything else about this year sucked, and Monday's Men Tell All episode was the ultimate suckfest (even though Ashley's preggo tits were out of control).

But I don't care about Ashley's tits. I mean, I obviously care about her tits, but I don't really care about her tits. The reason I am back from my blogging hiatus is to talk about something that happened the week BEFORE, when Dorf went on her #horse date with Chris the Farmer. Something happened on that date that left me completely flibber-flabbled and I just had to talk about it on the internet to a bunch of strangers who literally have nothing better to do than read this blog.

For those of you who don't watch the show -- DIE. ALL OF YOU, DIE. -- last week, the Bachelorette and some white guy went on the standard #horse date where they rode around on horses and laughed about horses and had a picnic-style lunch (without sharing any of their food with their horses). Then, after laughing and smiling and not paying nearly enough attention to the horses, they ditched the horses so they could go and have private time. During this mid-date break, Chris filmed his on-air interview and uttered a statement that two weeks after the fact, I still cannot understand.

Farmer Chris told the cameras, "I'm so excited to be with Andi tonight. No horses."

No horses.

That was the key to the evening portion of the date.

Not being around horses.

Now first of all, how could "no horses" ever be better than horses? Think about every situation you've ever been in and how much better it would've been had horses been a part of it. Your prom. Your first job interview. The NBA Draft. Imagine Jay Bilas interviewing Julius Randle while a giant horse stood over Julius's shoulder. Just chillin', eating oats, wearing a Lakers hat, being a horse, looking absolutely adorable. Are you telling me that wouldn't be better than just hanging out with a white woman? Who wouldn't want that? Farmer Chris, that's who. A guy could not WAIT to ditch a couple o' good ole fashioned horses.

What was he hoping to accomplish that he couldn't have done with horses? It's not like horses care about anything. They literally have enormous heads.

FARMER CHRIS:  Oh Andi, I want you so badly. I want to just ravage you. It's just...

DORF:  What, Chris?

FARMER CHRIS:  I dunno, I just... I just can't.

DORF:  What, Chris? Tell me.

FARMER CHRIS:  It's Butterscotch and Ringo.

DORF:  What about them? Their heads? I know. They're so big and hilarious. I've literally never seen anyth--

FARMER CHRIS:  No, no. I like their heads. I really like their heads. I dunno, I just can't... you know. Not in front of them.

DORF:  Oh, Chris. They're just horses. C'mere. They don't care if we...

BUTTERSCOTCH:  Neighhhhhghhhhhh!!!

FARMER CHRIS:  Butterscotch, please.

BUTTERSCOTCH:  NEIGHGHGGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FARMER CHRIS:  I just wish we were alone, Andi. That's all. Like back in Iowa.

DORF:  Oh, Chris. It's just you and me here, I promise. Stick your tongue in my mouth. I wanna feel how warm you are.

BUTTERSCOTCH:  BLLLEERERRRBBSSSBBFFLFPPSSSSHSHHH

FARMER CHRIS:  BUTTERSCOTCH!

DORF:  Chris, ignore them. Take me. Take me now.

Horse lets out a giant horse fart.

FARMER CHRIS:  BUTTERSCOTCH!

DORF:  I actually think that was Ringo.

CHRIS:  RINGO!!!

DORF:  Don't yell at Ringo! He's very sensitive!!

Ringo lifts up his tail and shits all over a cabbage. 

CHRIS:  WHY DO THEY HAVE TO ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING?

Chris runs away with his arms straight by his side and tramples through like 18 piles of horse shit as he leaves. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but let it be known that Chris was sent home later that night without getting the opportunity to have sex with a woman on national television. Frankly, I'm not surprised. I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who so excited to not hang out with horses. I liked Chris this year. I really did. But I totally understand why Dorf sent him home. What I don't understand is how those people in the Men Tell All studio audience didn't barf all over themselves the second Ashley and JP took the stage.

Those two are fucking disgusting.

I'm also not sure if she truly understands that he's actually Jewish.







Thursday, July 3, 2014

Bridget Everett: Y'all Need to Recognize

Slim ankles doe.

So the wife and I was watchin Inside Amy Schumer last night -- and if you're not watching that show, you are living a goddamn lie -- and at the end of the ep, Amy introduced this lady, Bridget Everett, who is a singer/rapper/ill-nana comedienne who will blow your butt all over your face.

Check out her clips below.

She's my new favorite dime piece. The W and I bought tix to see her in NYC on August 6.

WHO'S COMIN WIT ME?!

AAWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (that's a wolf noise)