Monday, April 14, 2014

Game of Frones: What Happens Now that Joffrey Choked on his Own AIDS-filled Blood?

Nice blue socks, tho.

Hey Joffrey... drink wine much?

LOL

Sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I couldn't think of a good intro to this post and then I thought of that on the way to get coffee and it made me laugh, and ugh, I'm so embarrassed that it made me laugh, but it did, and I'm sorry. I really am. Let's just move on.

I know this morning we're supposed to be all, "OMG, The Joffinator's gone!" even though no one calls him that, I mean no one has EVER called him that, but I've never been one to live in the past. This isn't TV My Wife Watched, this is TV My Wife Watches. Focus on the present. Live in the mome. It's not like I need to constantly remind you of my past accomplishments, like the fact that I played high school basketball with da Black Mamba, or that just last week TVMWW reached one million pageviews. Whatever, the blog's popular, it's not that big of a deal. Okay, yeah, I get it, articles were written about me back in the day, but it's not like I go back and read them once a week. It's like every other week at the most. This is a good one too by the way. Like, whatever, get over it. So what if I hold my school record for most assists in a season? And dropped 19 dimes in a playoff game against Norristown? I'm not sweatin' it either!

So what now? What now that King Joffleberg (once again, not his nickname) is gone FOREVAH?

Have no fear, the world's greatest television blogger is here to break it down for you.

Honestly, what is that piece of disgusting, 
dirty fabric doing around his neck?

1. I Have No Idea

You think I have any clue as to what goes on on this show? I spent all of last night's ep just waiting for nudity (which never came by the way!). How can HBO flash that big "N" at the beginning of the show and then not follow through on their promise? One friend of mine (not a friend, a dude on Twitter, and possibly an idiot) reminded me of the lady who was doing the upside down splits at the wedding party, but her vaj was not showing. I woulda spotted a bare vaj if they showed it to me, and they didn't show ANY bare vajs. When they start off with that big bold "N", I expect to see tits or butts or dicks or vajs. And I saw none of those. Although I did see a nice piece of a tit on Mad Men. That was a nice piece of a tit. It's amazing how much humans love seeing tits and/or pieces of a tit.

I guess now the new king is Joffrey's little brother? Does Joff even have a little brother? I think he does. That will allow Big Daddy Lannister to essentially run the show. Although we all know the real heir to the throne is Robert Baratheon's bastard, but he's being held hostage by the Smoke Fire Lady and omg there is no way to legitimately talk about this show without sounding like a dorf.

2. Who Will Replace Joffrey as the Show's Ultimate Villain?

Obviously it's Crazy Eyes McMurphy, the dude who's been torturing Reek (nee Theon) for the past few months. Poor Reek (nee Theon). I would say that the actor playing him should win an Emmy for his performance, but I seriously think the HBO execs are torturing him in real life in order to get him to act that way. It's honestly so sad. I wonder what Crazy Eyes McMurphy did with his dork. He ate it, right? He had to have eaten it. Or hollowed it out and made it into a thermos.

Another retarded piece of neckwear.

3. So Dragon Lady's Clearly Gonna Win the Game of Frones, Right?

I mean, it sure seems that way. The committee has given here a pretty easy road to the title. Obviously she'll have to get past the Smoke Fire Lady in the next round, but her storyline is pretty boring so I'm guessing Khaleesi will take care of her. Then she'll have an away battle vs. the Lannisters, but she has dragons, and the Lannisters can't really match up against dragons. No one can. Don't forget there was that interesting mome last week when the dragons were going buckwild and the dude was like, "Khaleesi, they're dragons, you can't tame them," which seemed like some foreshadowing that maybe the dragons will just kill everybody, including all the pretty horses. That would be sad. But it would be cute to see a dragon sitting in a throne. Just hanging out, drinking wine, with his little dragon feet. BUT, BUT, BUT, don't sleep on THE WHITE WALKERS. Can't forget about them. But wait, fire kills them, right? Oh the dragons will destroy them. They're dragons!

BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUTT, my real predictsh is that somebody will turn on somebody, and they will weasel their way onto the Iron Frone. It's been proven throughout history -- from Brutus killing Caesar to Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorf turning on Hulk Hogan -- there's always a backstabbing. The question is, who is the ultimate backstabber?

Mayor Carcetti, he's a slime ball, but he's not a heavy enough hitter to really make any noise. And then there's that one dude who's trying to put the moves on Khaleesi, but we don't even know his name. I wonder if Grey Worm can be trusted. I mean for one, his name is Grey Worm, and two, he's a eunuch. Eunuch's can't be trusted. They have nothing to live for. Bare titties literally have no effect on them. I wouldn't trust anyone who wasn't turned on by a titty. I also can't believe that's how you spell eunuch.

Maybe the best prediction though comes from @notkerouac -- who is by far the worst person to follow on Twitter. He said something last night which I thought was pretty profound:

"In Ep 10 King Forbedegorbedy has his dragon eat lady duty pants. Spoiler alert: it's Puff The Magic Dragon. Omgordz."

So there's that, everybody.

There's that.




Have you been reading my jawns on The 700 Level? You should. I think they're actually pretty dope. My last one was a minute-by-minute report after I attended last Thursday's Frozen Four. Check it out here. Or just look at this adorable goddamn chipmunk giving a flower to his friend. It's honestly so adorbs. If you're reading this in an office, I would probably gag yourself before looking at it. You might scream "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE." I know I did. And I was gagged at the time. Ugh this is so stupid goodbye.

4 comments:

  1. YO EVS. I too was fooled thinking there was no bewbz in last night's ep, but word on the street (AKA THE INNANET) says you could totally see Cersei's tit as she hung over her dead son. Gotta check that out after work.

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    1. wow. send a screenshot when you get a chance. of the tit. of cersei's tit. i wanna see it.

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  2. the internet lied. no tit. thanks obama

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    1. It's sad really. It's just sad.

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