Tuesday, April 29, 2014

DWTS Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown: Latin Week!

Nice crew neck tee, Richard!

Upside, inside out, she's livin' la vida lo--that doesn't make any sense.

Upside inside out? Isn't that just inside out? 'Cause upside is just standing up, regular, and inside out is backwards, so "upside inside out" is just plain backwards. I mean, I would understand if Ricky Marts said upside DOWN inside out, but I googled the lyrics and nope, it's just "upside inside out." You would think that after spending five weeks on top of the Billboard charts in 1999 -- and essentially kicking off the Latin Pop Music explosion across the world -- that SOMEONE would've recognized that these lyrics are total nonsense. But nope, it wasn't til a lowly blogger needed an intro for his Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown 15 years later that anyone stepped up and said anything.

Even "INSIDE inside out" would make more sense! It's even a little meta -- like living deep inside the spirals of your own crazy life -- but nope, "upside inside out." Those are the lyrics. Sold over 8 million copies. Won a Grammy.


This Week in the Life of Tony the Tomato Salesman

RIP Tony. He and Nene had a good run, but I gotta be honest, I think it's a good thing that they're going their separate ways. Look, I know Nene very, very well (my wife watches the Real Housewives of Atlanta EVERY WEEK and omg can we please talk about Momma Joyce!) and she is A LOT to handle. I love her, I absolutely love her, but she's extremely self-absorbed. Last night after she was voted off, Nene thanked pretty much everyone who helped her along the way -- her husband Greggggggg, her kids, her manager, her fans -- but she failed to mention Tony. THAT'S JUST A SLAP IN DA FACE, YO.

This guy got into the best physical shape of his career for Nene. He dealt with her salty, cranky ass after she returned from her week with Derek. He took a sabbatical from selling tomatoes! And did Nene thank him? No. She didn't. You knew the answer to that question already. I just basically explained the whole thing three seconds ago. It is honestly amazing that this guy has not yet packaged his own tomato sauce. Are you telling me you wouldn't buy it? I'd absolutely buy it!

Candace Cams vs. Winnie Coops -- Round 7

I don't know why this made me lolz but it did. 
This battle is OVAH. Winnie Coops is hawt and Candace Cams is a cobb salad. (No disrespect to cobb salads which are dope a.f.) Last night they asked Candace about something (I frankly wasn't listening), but her answer to the question was, "God. God is making all of this possible." Now I have to tell you (and I must reiterate, I was NOT paying attention to the conversation), there is NO WAY that God gives a shit about Dancing With The Stars. I know, I know, God is everywhere, God cares about everyone, God made french fries, but God is not spending two hours every monday night filling his pants with shit during this television program. Between the civil unrest in the Ukraine to curing my friend's dog's ball cancer, God has enough to worry about. Do you think Candace Cams has ever had sex with her panties pulled off to the side? I'd say no way.

Things I Absolutely Cannot Handle

Mediocre sleeper hold AT BEST.
Every week, I talk about one part of this show that I cannot handle as well as something in real life that I can't even COME CLOSE to handling. This week: all the hugging the partners do while waiting for their scores and splinters.

How are these people so comfortable with each other that they want to constantly kiss and hug and rub each other's arms and is it really that cold in there? Is it like freezing in the DWTS studio? I like a good arm rubbing from time to time too, I'll give 'em that, but they're also sweating so it can't be THAT cold in there. My wife and I have been together for almost ten years and I've probably hugged and kissed her in public mayyyyyyybe four times. Maybe. And yet Meryl loves to sit back in Mak's arms holding onto him and nuzzling in his chest and smelling his sweat and you know what I actually get it I totally, totally get it.

Splinters are the worst though, the absolute worst. Even worse than paper cuts. YEAH I SAID IT. Because the thing is, when you get a paper cut, yeah it hurts like hell and you're immediately like, "HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN IT'S JUST PAPERRRRRR," but then you kiss it and put some Neosporin on and that's that. But when you get a splinter it's like full on butt bonkers panic for the next 90 seconds. Trying to locate the splinter, feeling where it is, GOOD GOD DON'T PUSH IT DEEPER WHERE ARE THE TWEEEEEEZZZERRRRRSSSSSSSSSS????

Mr. Froggington's Weekly Mirror Ball Watch

Hi guys, it's me again.
All right folks, let's calm down for a sec and check in with Mr. Froggington to hear his thoughts on who's gonna bring home this year's Mirror Ball trophy.

Mr. Froggington: Thanks, Evan. First of all, a little housecleaning to take care of before I make my pick: Please remember that I am in fact a frog, and do not actually watch television nor do I own a television nor have I ever owned a television or any other Japanese electronics in my entire life. Lily pads? Sure. Flies? Love 'em. Hopping? Could talk about it all night. But television dancing shows, not a clue. But still, the obvious choice this year is Meryl. It's not even close, it's almost silly at this point. I mean, I like Winnie Coops, and I think that handsome guy is pretty good too, and Charlie! he's not horrible! But Meryl is on a whole 'nother level. I am a frog.

Last Thing I Can't Believe I Waited This Long to Bring Up

Completely and totally hairless!
HOW 'BOUT THAT LADY'S RED UNDERWEARS?!?! So much for this being a family programme. For the record I really, really like that lady and think it's nice that she and Mr. Handsome Guy are dating. By the by, a co-worker told me that when he went to get his car in the garage after work yesterday he caught two people fucking in the car next to him! He said the chick was like 40 and pretty hot and she was all laid out on the passenger seat with her titties out and the dude (also like 40, and obviously having an affair) was just POUNDING away. I don't know why I'm sharing this, but I obviously had to share it! My buddy said he was like RIGHT NEXT to them, like right at their window and his car was parked in the next spot and when they saw him they froze and the dude rolled off and they were both really embarrassed. But my friend wanted to like give them a high five and tell 'em to keep on blasting, but instead he just got into his car and drove away. I probably would've asked to have my picture taken with them and then told them about my blog. He is currently telling everyone in the office. In fact, he is literally sitting in a chair as I type this demonstrating the position she was in while she was getting railed.

Not gonna lie, I'm a little aroused.


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  1. So you're just going to ignore the fact that you provided no shakedown for the past 2 weeks? You think your readers (singular) (me) are just going to forgive you for leaving us (just me) in the cold with no update from tony the tomato salesman or froggington for TWO WHOLE WEEKS? And obviously, if there is a god, Candace is gonna win this and everyone else will burn in hell.

    1. To be honest my wife and I were holding separate invitation-only Shakedowns the last two weeks and unfortunately I wasn't invited either.