Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Game of Frones: Don't Forget That's Someone's Actual Goddamn Baby

That's a fake finger touching a real goddamn human. 

Sometimes when we watch Game of Frones we get so caught up in the drama and the dragons and the butts and the tits and the frogs and the buttholes and the okay that's enough, Ev... that we forget that these are actual human beings who act for a living. I'm not saying that we get convinced that dragons are real or that Valeryian steel is a thing, I'm just saying that the guy who played the White Walker on Sunday night is a real person named Steve. Acting is weird. Fantasy worlds are stupid. And this week, when they showed that goddamn baby being given to the White Walkers, we can't overlook the fact that that was an actual goddamn baby!

And the baby was like 3 days old!

Somewhere out there, two biological, idiot weirdo parents thought it'd be a good idea to lend their NEWBORN CHILD to HBO so they could film a television show. How is this possible? How could someone put their kid in this situashe? Every parent I know who has a goddamn 5-day-old is constantly freaking the fuck out and making everyone around them use hand sanitizer. But these parents -- THESE PARENTS RIGHT HERE -- felt totally comfs just handing over their newborn to a guy dressed up as a dirty ass swamp creature.

That's just bad parenting!

Look at this baby:

He's freaking the fuck out!

He's not acting, folks. He is not acting. He is legitimately filling his pants with shit.

As a TV director, you can't be like, "Hey baby, I want you to scream your goddamn head off and piss into this tarp." Babies don't understand stuff. I know this because I'm constantly telling them to stop staring at me and laughing and they never once listen! If you're a TV director, you just have to put a baby down and call "Action!" and hope he doesn't drool all over his own tits. For the record, this baby's performance was fucking dope. He probably filled his pants with so much shit. But that doesn't mean I condone putting goddamn babies on television shows.

That being said those White Walkers look like very caring and nurturing parents and I'm happy that they didn't chew that baby's face off.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

DWTS Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown: Latin Week!

Nice crew neck tee, Richard!

Upside, inside out, she's livin' la vida lo--that doesn't make any sense.

Upside inside out? Isn't that just inside out? 'Cause upside is just standing up, regular, and inside out is backwards, so "upside inside out" is just plain backwards. I mean, I would understand if Ricky Marts said upside DOWN inside out, but I googled the lyrics and nope, it's just "upside inside out." You would think that after spending five weeks on top of the Billboard charts in 1999 -- and essentially kicking off the Latin Pop Music explosion across the world -- that SOMEONE would've recognized that these lyrics are total nonsense. But nope, it wasn't til a lowly blogger needed an intro for his Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown 15 years later that anyone stepped up and said anything.

Even "INSIDE inside out" would make more sense! It's even a little meta -- like living deep inside the spirals of your own crazy life -- but nope, "upside inside out." Those are the lyrics. Sold over 8 million copies. Won a Grammy.


This Week in the Life of Tony the Tomato Salesman

RIP Tony. He and Nene had a good run, but I gotta be honest, I think it's a good thing that they're going their separate ways. Look, I know Nene very, very well (my wife watches the Real Housewives of Atlanta EVERY WEEK and omg can we please talk about Momma Joyce!) and she is A LOT to handle. I love her, I absolutely love her, but she's extremely self-absorbed. Last night after she was voted off, Nene thanked pretty much everyone who helped her along the way -- her husband Greggggggg, her kids, her manager, her fans -- but she failed to mention Tony. THAT'S JUST A SLAP IN DA FACE, YO.

This guy got into the best physical shape of his career for Nene. He dealt with her salty, cranky ass after she returned from her week with Derek. He took a sabbatical from selling tomatoes! And did Nene thank him? No. She didn't. You knew the answer to that question already. I just basically explained the whole thing three seconds ago. It is honestly amazing that this guy has not yet packaged his own tomato sauce. Are you telling me you wouldn't buy it? I'd absolutely buy it!

Candace Cams vs. Winnie Coops -- Round 7

I don't know why this made me lolz but it did. 
This battle is OVAH. Winnie Coops is hawt and Candace Cams is a cobb salad. (No disrespect to cobb salads which are dope a.f.) Last night they asked Candace about something (I frankly wasn't listening), but her answer to the question was, "God. God is making all of this possible." Now I have to tell you (and I must reiterate, I was NOT paying attention to the conversation), there is NO WAY that God gives a shit about Dancing With The Stars. I know, I know, God is everywhere, God cares about everyone, God made french fries, but God is not spending two hours every monday night filling his pants with shit during this television program. Between the civil unrest in the Ukraine to curing my friend's dog's ball cancer, God has enough to worry about. Do you think Candace Cams has ever had sex with her panties pulled off to the side? I'd say no way.

Things I Absolutely Cannot Handle

Mediocre sleeper hold AT BEST.
Every week, I talk about one part of this show that I cannot handle as well as something in real life that I can't even COME CLOSE to handling. This week: all the hugging the partners do while waiting for their scores and splinters.

How are these people so comfortable with each other that they want to constantly kiss and hug and rub each other's arms and is it really that cold in there? Is it like freezing in the DWTS studio? I like a good arm rubbing from time to time too, I'll give 'em that, but they're also sweating so it can't be THAT cold in there. My wife and I have been together for almost ten years and I've probably hugged and kissed her in public mayyyyyyybe four times. Maybe. And yet Meryl loves to sit back in Mak's arms holding onto him and nuzzling in his chest and smelling his sweat and you know what I actually get it I totally, totally get it.

Splinters are the worst though, the absolute worst. Even worse than paper cuts. YEAH I SAID IT. Because the thing is, when you get a paper cut, yeah it hurts like hell and you're immediately like, "HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN IT'S JUST PAPERRRRRR," but then you kiss it and put some Neosporin on and that's that. But when you get a splinter it's like full on butt bonkers panic for the next 90 seconds. Trying to locate the splinter, feeling where it is, GOOD GOD DON'T PUSH IT DEEPER WHERE ARE THE TWEEEEEEZZZERRRRRSSSSSSSSSS????

Mr. Froggington's Weekly Mirror Ball Watch

Hi guys, it's me again.
All right folks, let's calm down for a sec and check in with Mr. Froggington to hear his thoughts on who's gonna bring home this year's Mirror Ball trophy.

Mr. Froggington: Thanks, Evan. First of all, a little housecleaning to take care of before I make my pick: Please remember that I am in fact a frog, and do not actually watch television nor do I own a television nor have I ever owned a television or any other Japanese electronics in my entire life. Lily pads? Sure. Flies? Love 'em. Hopping? Could talk about it all night. But television dancing shows, not a clue. But still, the obvious choice this year is Meryl. It's not even close, it's almost silly at this point. I mean, I like Winnie Coops, and I think that handsome guy is pretty good too, and Charlie! he's not horrible! But Meryl is on a whole 'nother level. I am a frog.

Last Thing I Can't Believe I Waited This Long to Bring Up

Completely and totally hairless!
HOW 'BOUT THAT LADY'S RED UNDERWEARS?!?! So much for this being a family programme. For the record I really, really like that lady and think it's nice that she and Mr. Handsome Guy are dating. By the by, a co-worker told me that when he went to get his car in the garage after work yesterday he caught two people fucking in the car next to him! He said the chick was like 40 and pretty hot and she was all laid out on the passenger seat with her titties out and the dude (also like 40, and obviously having an affair) was just POUNDING away. I don't know why I'm sharing this, but I obviously had to share it! My buddy said he was like RIGHT NEXT to them, like right at their window and his car was parked in the next spot and when they saw him they froze and the dude rolled off and they were both really embarrassed. But my friend wanted to like give them a high five and tell 'em to keep on blasting, but instead he just got into his car and drove away. I probably would've asked to have my picture taken with them and then told them about my blog. He is currently telling everyone in the office. In fact, he is literally sitting in a chair as I type this demonstrating the position she was in while she was getting railed.

Not gonna lie, I'm a little aroused.


Do you want TVMMWMWMWWM delivered right to your inbox? DON'T ANSWER THAT OUT LOUD. If so, simply go to that column over there on the right that says "Get This Isht Sent to Your Email" and enter your address and click subscribe. Then, anytime I post something, it will be sent to you the next day. I KNOW. AMAZING. Do it now! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out these sleeping chipmunks. WARNING: YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE THEM. I COULD NOT HANDLE THEM.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Game of Frones: Which Storylines Matter? And Which Ones are Supes Stupes?

This chick is so hot but I never have any idea
what she's ever talking about. 

There's a lotta storylines goin' on right now in Game of Frones -- from the White Walkers marching to the Wingdongs of Westeros -- and some of them are dope, and some are lame as butt. I don't know about you, but I can't be expected to pay attention to what's going on with House Flarbington for 60 straight minutes every Sunday. So to make things easier on you, and allow you to plan your bathroom/popcorn/bathcorn breaks, here is a breakdown as to which stories are worth paying attention to and which ones are BORRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG.

As always, we will be using the standard TVMWW Interesting/Boring Scale System, with Errol Morris documentaries symbolizing interesting stuff and PowerPoint Presentations symbolizing snoozers.


Okay, here we go!

Anything Featuring Sansa (5 Powerpoint Presentations)

ALLLLLLL ABOARDDDDDD!!! Now leaving, the 9:30 Amtrak Express straight to Snoozeville. No one cares about Sansa and her stupid, dead family. Get over it, lady! The Starks were so last seez! Besides, her whole family's not even dead. Arya is off bee-bopping around in Sherwood Forest with the Hound while Bran is pretending he's a goddamn crow or something honestly what is wrong with that kid?!?!

That being said, I will never get tired of little kids pretending to be animals. My little neighbor Benji was laying in my driveway the other day and he was all, "Look, Evan! I'm a fish!" and then he pretended to swim along the ground and I was like, "Dude, a) fish don't talk and b) if you're a fish then prove it and eat that worm," and then he ate like three worms and it was amazing and he is literally my best friend.

The Emancipation Dragonation (6 Errol Morris Docs)

This is probably my favorite storyline on the show because 1) Dragon Lady has nice hair and 2) That's pretty much the only reason. I guess I like how she's building an army too, that's cool I guess. And I'm excited for her dragons to burn people's throats off. She's totes gonna have sex with that new guy by the by and her dragons are NOT going to be happy. I THINK THEY MIGHT EAT EVERYONE IN THE SEVEN KINGBONGS.

Unfortunately, I think someone's gonna turn on Khaleesi -- probably that trusty companion of hers who's secretly in love with her. You can never trust people who are in love. Nothing they do makes sense. When I was in high school, I thought it'd be a good idea to drive around my crush's house for like an hour so she could see me and know how much I liked her. "THAT'LL GET HER," I thought. "THAT'LL GET HER FOR SURE." Turns out she wasn't even home and was off blowing some dude in a park or something. That made me like her even more. Later I tried to burn her house down.

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to have me
grab literally every butt I can get my hands on."
New Bisexual Spanish Horndog Guy

This guy is a horndog supreme, much like the man who created him, George R.R.R.R.R.ReadingRailroad Martin. As a writer, I'm obviously interested in scripts and dialogue and all that stuff, and this week I was able to get its hands on the screenplay from Sunday night's episode, specifically the orgy scene featuring that Spanish dude.

Here it the intro to the scene:


We open up on a round, bare butt. The sunlight beams down on the butt as small, soft fibers of hair are seen glistening in the breeze. It is unclear if the butt is a male butt or a female butt, but it is definitely a butt. As we pan up, it is revealed that it is in fact a female butt, and just one of many butts in the room. One butt is completely hairless. This is a man's butt. A different man grabs this butt. A woman -- whose vagina is being licked -- reaches over and deeply okay this is stupid let's just move on.

Jon Snow and Angie Everhart Jr. (whilst fucking)

Jon Snow and Angie Everhart Jr. (doing anything else)

Bran and Hodor and those Other People Doing Whatever They're Doing in That Forest

Without a doubt the most boring storyline in the show. What are they even looking for? Jon Snow? Or are they just on the run a la Thelma and Louise? Were Thelma and Louise even on the run? How have I not seen Thelma and Louise? It has to be a good movie, right? How many questions can I ask in a row? I think I'm done? Susan Sarandon, tho. Wow. I will see anything with Susan Sarandon. And what is up with Bran's eyeballs always disappearing into his eyelids? It is honestly so, so, so gross. Even when I was like 8 years old and was supposed to like that kinda stuff, I always hated it when some kid in the schoolyard would roll his eyeballs up to his eyelids and just thinking about it now makes me wanna barf all over the place. Can you imagine if Susan Sarandon was on this show? CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE?

Fire Smoke Lady and that Stupid Little Girl with the Scar on her Face and that Woman who Keeps her Dead Babies in Jars I Mean What's Goin' On with Her is She Serious with That Stuff?

Time to reign in this post, Evy! 

Time to reign it in!

Sersei and Jamie's Love Affair

Nothing like a good ole rape-a-roo to make things more interesting, eh George R.R. Marts? My wife actually told me this week that in the books (that she did not read), this was not originally written as a rape scene. More of a standard brother/sister incestual sex romp. But more on that in a minute. For now, let's do a quick recap on what's going on with Sersei and Jamie because I'm not quite sure if you realize how ridicurous this plotline is.

So Sersei and Jamie are sister and brother (twins, actually!) who are also in love and have had many children together (including one total lunatic who just got poisoned at his own wedding). Jamie recently returned home after months of being tortured (and getting his hand chopped off! and then getting a golden hand!) and on the day after his son was killed, whilst his sister/lover grieved over their dead son's body, he decided to rape her. And the thing is, it was kinda hot! I mean, I know it wasn't hot hot, but it was still sorta hot. What is more ridiculous? This stupid storyline? or the fact that watching a brother rape his sister next to their dead son's body was kinda hot? Also don't get fucking mad at me because you found it hot! You're the sicko, not me! I'm just the messenger! Also I want to fuck a dead child.

Back to da books (which some people have actually read! like sat down, with these things in their laps, and actually read!): So apparently when Sersei and Jamie have sex next to Joff's dead bod, it's the first time they've seen each other since Jamie was taken away. So they have this passionate, uncontrollable embrace (that just so happens to take place next to the dead body of their son). Makes a little more sense when you think about it. Still, George R.R. MartyMoose might go down in history as one of the all-time biggest perv machines. I'm guessing he would love TVMWMWWMWMWW. Is he on Twitter? He's definitely on Tinder.

Sam and That Wildling Lady Who Recently Gave Birth and omg I'm Getting Bored Just Thinking About Them

Look, I like Sam. He's a nice guy. The type of dude who would never show up to your house to watch a Flyers playoff game without bringing something -- like Entenmann's cookies, or a pizza, but always somethin', never empty-handed -- but I do not give a shit about that stupid lady and her kid. Unless they start fucking! Then obviously I'll care. But there's no way they'll fuck because this world is racist. Also, what the hell is up with that dragonglass? How can a specific type of glass kill zombies? AND HOW IS THIS SHOW SO POPULAR? Oh right, the fucking. I seriously do like this show. Especially the fucking. Also is dragonglass real? Like, I don't mean, is it real? That'd be ridiculous. I know it's not real. But is it?

Captain Crazy Eyes McMurphy Torturing Theon (nee Reek)

I literally have no idea what to think of this plot line.

Winter is Coming


Who Will Win the Game of Frones?


You should listen to the song above. It's by some band called Hozier (which is a ridiculous name) and the song is dope. That's not true, the song is fine. It's honestly fine. Not the best song, but whatever, it's fine, but the lead singer sort of sounds EXACTLY like Elton John. But a cooler Elton John. I don't know why that would be a good enough reason to listen to a song, like we need another dude who sounds like Elton John in this world, but just listen and tell me what you think. Or don't. Honestly who gives a shit? Here's a #bunreport my man Scoot filed this week. It's adorbz.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Worst Wheel of Forch Contestant Ever

You've probably already seen this -- #JustThe2Million views -- but I figured I'd link to it anyway because I have a blog about television and I like Pat Saje and my friend Enrico says I need to post more "quick hitters" and honestly who cares just check it out.

It's truly unbelievable.

Also unbelievable: Clippers vs. Warriors in round 1!!!

What is even going on here?!?

Monday, April 14, 2014

Game of Frones: What Happens Now that Joffrey Choked on his Own AIDS-filled Blood?

Nice blue socks, tho.

Hey Joffrey... drink wine much?



I'm really sorry.

I couldn't think of a good intro to this post and then I thought of that on the way to get coffee and it made me laugh, and ugh, I'm so embarrassed that it made me laugh, but it did, and I'm sorry. I really am. Let's just move on.

I know this morning we're supposed to be all, "OMG, The Joffinator's gone!" even though no one calls him that, I mean no one has EVER called him that, but I've never been one to live in the past. This isn't TV My Wife Watched, this is TV My Wife Watches. Focus on the present. Live in the mome. It's not like I need to constantly remind you of my past accomplishments, like the fact that I played high school basketball with da Black Mamba, or that just last week TVMWW reached one million pageviews. Whatever, the blog's popular, it's not that big of a deal. Okay, yeah, I get it, articles were written about me back in the day, but it's not like I go back and read them once a week. It's like every other week at the most. This is a good one too by the way. Like, whatever, get over it. So what if I hold my school record for most assists in a season? And dropped 19 dimes in a playoff game against Norristown? I'm not sweatin' it either!

So what now? What now that King Joffleberg (once again, not his nickname) is gone FOREVAH?

Have no fear, the world's greatest television blogger is here to break it down for you.

Honestly, what is that piece of disgusting, 
dirty fabric doing around his neck?

1. I Have No Idea

You think I have any clue as to what goes on on this show? I spent all of last night's ep just waiting for nudity (which never came by the way!). How can HBO flash that big "N" at the beginning of the show and then not follow through on their promise? One friend of mine (not a friend, a dude on Twitter, and possibly an idiot) reminded me of the lady who was doing the upside down splits at the wedding party, but her vaj was not showing. I woulda spotted a bare vaj if they showed it to me, and they didn't show ANY bare vajs. When they start off with that big bold "N", I expect to see tits or butts or dicks or vajs. And I saw none of those. Although I did see a nice piece of a tit on Mad Men. That was a nice piece of a tit. It's amazing how much humans love seeing tits and/or pieces of a tit.

I guess now the new king is Joffrey's little brother? Does Joff even have a little brother? I think he does. That will allow Big Daddy Lannister to essentially run the show. Although we all know the real heir to the throne is Robert Baratheon's bastard, but he's being held hostage by the Smoke Fire Lady and omg there is no way to legitimately talk about this show without sounding like a dorf.

2. Who Will Replace Joffrey as the Show's Ultimate Villain?

Obviously it's Crazy Eyes McMurphy, the dude who's been torturing Reek (nee Theon) for the past few months. Poor Reek (nee Theon). I would say that the actor playing him should win an Emmy for his performance, but I seriously think the HBO execs are torturing him in real life in order to get him to act that way. It's honestly so sad. I wonder what Crazy Eyes McMurphy did with his dork. He ate it, right? He had to have eaten it. Or hollowed it out and made it into a thermos.

Another retarded piece of neckwear.

3. So Dragon Lady's Clearly Gonna Win the Game of Frones, Right?

I mean, it sure seems that way. The committee has given here a pretty easy road to the title. Obviously she'll have to get past the Smoke Fire Lady in the next round, but her storyline is pretty boring so I'm guessing Khaleesi will take care of her. Then she'll have an away battle vs. the Lannisters, but she has dragons, and the Lannisters can't really match up against dragons. No one can. Don't forget there was that interesting mome last week when the dragons were going buckwild and the dude was like, "Khaleesi, they're dragons, you can't tame them," which seemed like some foreshadowing that maybe the dragons will just kill everybody, including all the pretty horses. That would be sad. But it would be cute to see a dragon sitting in a throne. Just hanging out, drinking wine, with his little dragon feet. BUT, BUT, BUT, don't sleep on THE WHITE WALKERS. Can't forget about them. But wait, fire kills them, right? Oh the dragons will destroy them. They're dragons!

BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUTT, my real predictsh is that somebody will turn on somebody, and they will weasel their way onto the Iron Frone. It's been proven throughout history -- from Brutus killing Caesar to Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorf turning on Hulk Hogan -- there's always a backstabbing. The question is, who is the ultimate backstabber?

Mayor Carcetti, he's a slime ball, but he's not a heavy enough hitter to really make any noise. And then there's that one dude who's trying to put the moves on Khaleesi, but we don't even know his name. I wonder if Grey Worm can be trusted. I mean for one, his name is Grey Worm, and two, he's a eunuch. Eunuch's can't be trusted. They have nothing to live for. Bare titties literally have no effect on them. I wouldn't trust anyone who wasn't turned on by a titty. I also can't believe that's how you spell eunuch.

Maybe the best prediction though comes from @notkerouac -- who is by far the worst person to follow on Twitter. He said something last night which I thought was pretty profound:

"In Ep 10 King Forbedegorbedy has his dragon eat lady duty pants. Spoiler alert: it's Puff The Magic Dragon. Omgordz."

So there's that, everybody.

There's that.

Have you been reading my jawns on The 700 Level? You should. I think they're actually pretty dope. My last one was a minute-by-minute report after I attended last Thursday's Frozen Four. Check it out here. Or just look at this adorable goddamn chipmunk giving a flower to his friend. It's honestly so adorbs. If you're reading this in an office, I would probably gag yourself before looking at it. You might scream "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE." I know I did. And I was gagged at the time. Ugh this is so stupid goodbye.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The #DWTS and Game of Frones Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown!


I'm feeling a little sensitive today, so bear with me.

So this morning I was walking around downtown on my way to physical therapy (whatever, I screwed up my back and my entire torso is twisted and it's so stupid and so painful but no one cares about your sorrow Ev just get on with it) and I was taking my sweet time because I was nice and early so I decided to duck into a café for a cup of coff and a chocolate CROI-SAUNT. And while I was in there, this dog -- his name was Major -- started sniffing my leg and I go, "What's up doggie?" and then the owner pulled him away and that made me sad, but it was still cool to see a dog in a dining establishment.

After I paid for my stuff, I just kinda walked around the neighb and there was a light drizzle falling, really more of a mist, and it felt really nice on my head and all was good in the world. And this thing is, this world is so stupid. There's so many dumb things out there like flip flop tans and wheat bread and homelessness and ostriches, but there's also a bunch of really nice things too, like the mome I was having on my morning walk. And TV... TV is no different. God these shows are so stupid. Dancing With the Stars and those dumb people twirling around and fake smiling for the camera, and Game of Frones with these stupid dragons I mean what kind of lady gives birth to dragons and then sits on a rock and pets them and what is up with Sansa being SO DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME it's like your family's dead, lady, get over it! But still, they're fun. And entertaining. And as dumb as the Smoke Fire Lady is as annoying as Drew Carey seems, it's still fun to live in a world where we can sit on our stupid couches and soak it all in. And it's even more fun when you check in here every week to read about all these stupid television shows with me. So thank you, everybody. Thanks for reading my stupid blog. Maybe one day we can all meet up in a chat room and hardcore cyber.

Onto the Shakedown:

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The #DWTS Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown: Week 3

That's a cowboy hat.

When did Robin Roberts become the most boring, cliché, cornball on the planet? Is that what happens when you beat cancer? You turn into a total sap? Roberts -- Monday night's guest judge, and a woman who seems to have lost ALL estrogen from her body, and no I'm not entirely sure what estrogen is -- praised every single solitary performer during the show. "Ohhhh, that was just special. Thank you for bringing such joy into the hearts of so many." THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, ROBIN. Yes, it's fun. And yes, it's riveting to watch C-list celebrities try to revive their cancer-filled careers, but I've never been so moved during these performances so as to feel any kind of legitimate, heartfelt human emotion. Omg that's not even true. Sometimes these dances are super emotional. Especially when that lady with no legs dances. She's has no legs! And her fake ones could literally fly off at any moment. I don't understand why this isn't the lead story on Anderson Cooper every night.