Welcome to a new weekly feature here at TVMWMMWWMWMW, the DWTS Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown, by far the stupidest (and yet smokiest!) DWTS recap on the internet. How long do you see this one lasting? Three? Maybe four weeks? Whatever, please stop pissing all over my ideas. This one's gold, Jerry, gold!
It is truly incredible how much everyone gropes each other on this show. It's like walking through the hallways in middle school. And it's not just whilst dancing, it's whilst being interviewed or whilst doing nothing. Last week, Charlie's partner was legitimately circling his nipples while he tried to answer a question about the Cha-Cha-Cha. Who could possibly talk to another person while someone caressed their nippers? I know I couldn't. And I've tried. Oh Lord, have I tried.
Watching all this groping has affected my wife, too, who has not been able to keep her damn hands off me the last two weeks. Last night in bed, while she was spooning me, she started taking her knees and jamming them into the back of my thighs. Just like a total jam job. Then I started laughing, so she jammed her knees in even DEEPER into my thighs to the point where she was basically pedaling my hamstrings like a bicycle. After around 15 seconds I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" but she just kept pumping her knees and pulling back on my shoulders for leverage. I have no idea what the point of this story is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel like I SHOULD, and that's what makes this blog special! Let's be honest here, the Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown could not be off to a better start.
|It's-a good tomato!|
This Week in the Life of Tony the Tomato Salesman
Is it me or does Tony Dovolani (Nene Leakes' partner) look like he should sell tomatoes for a living? You don't have to answer, I know I'm right. This week Tony argued with Carrie Anne Inablow about the correct way for dancers to position their hands during the Jive. Frankly, I don't know or care who was right, but it was nice to see Tony stand up for himself for once in his dumb, tomato-filled life. This guy is by far the worst dance instructor on this show. But a GREAT tomato salesman. Did you know that Tony has never once finished higher than third place in this goddamn competition? PATHETIC.
Okay wait I just looked it up and he actually won the competition a few years back with Melissa Rycroft, who you may remember as the lady who got absolutley Mesnicked on national television. Congrats, Tony! And congrats, Melissa!
Last night, my wife and I were exchanging texts about what we should have for dinner and I suggested egg salad. She obviously agreed -- because egg salad is dope a.f. -- but mentioned that we didn't have any lettuce or tomato in the house. So on my walk home, I stopped at Wawa. But they don't sell lettuce and tomato at Wawa. So I went to the deli counter and just asked the guy for a couple slices of tomato and a few shreds of lettuce. The dude behind the counter is my buhl, so he hooked me up with a couple of to-go soup cups filled with L&T and then I brought it to the counter along with 2 Snapples® (on sale for $2.22). As the guy rung me up, and was about to charge me for two large soups, I told him, "Oh, that's just some lettuce and tomato," and he said, "Oh, do you have a sandwich receipt?" and I just went, "No," and then we both kinda stood there staring at each other until the other one caved. Well, I don't think I have to tell you who ended winning THAT battle. He ended up just charging me for the 2 Snapples®. Moral of the Story? I ROBBED THEM MUTHAFUCKAZ BLIND (and I sort of feel bad about it). Whatever, should I have offered to pay for the L&T? Probably. But I figured he'd charge me a buck or something. Tony wouldn't stand for that shit. He tryna get PAID.
|Standard flutter foot.|
Candace Cameron vs. Winnie Cooper -- Round 2
This week, Candace told the national television audience that everything she does in this world is for her lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Very different from the way I live my life, where everything I do is to try and smell my co-workers' hair in the elevator. Candace proved she's a total prude and refused to let Mark Ballas dance shirtless (WHY SHOULD WE EVEN WATCH, CANDACE?). Have no fear though, I just spent 10 minutes googling "Mark Ballas shirtless smokehouse rancher," and found these AMAZING pics of him and Derek Hough from growing up.
They were also once in a pop group together!
|OMG TIMES A MILLION!|
Winnie Cooper on the other hand recently posed for a spread in Maxim.
|ANOTHER FLUTTER FOOT!|
Things I Absolutely Cannot Handle
Every week during the Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown I will share one part of this show that I simply cannot handle as well as something outside of this show that I can't even COME CLOSE to handling. This week: When the dancers ham it up for the cameras before going to commercial break ... and the fact that office workers have to form a queue of microwave boxes when they want to heat their food up at lunch time.
Last night going into a commercial, Tony and Cody did some sort of pretend boxing thing where they both held up their dukes like the Notre Dame leprechaun. Then, after a few seconds of fake-fighting, they realized it was lame as shit and both let out huge, dumb belly laughs. Cody even did some sort of lower lip bite and finger point and there is no way that I can ever handle seeing anything like that ever again.
At lunch today, I needed to heat up my shafty Annie's organic burrito, but had to wait in line behind a Lean Cuisine, a Tupperware bowl of meatballs and some guy's DOPE-looking chicken pot pie. My burrito looked so pathetic behind those other meals and I felt really sorry for it and then my friend Josh came into the kitchen and was like, "WHO'S GOT THE GAY-ASS BURRITO?" and I pretended it wasn't mine and was like, "yeah, is it ANNIE'S? lol" then ran out and got a slice of pizza. I hate those stupid microwave queues and I hate Josh and his dumb, fat face.
|I'm a frog.|
Mr. Froggington's Weekly Mirror Ball Watch
Every week, we'll check in with TVMWW correspondent, Mr. Froggington, to get his take on who's in prime position to bring home this year's Mirror Ball trophy. Ready, Mr. Froggington?
Mr. Froggington: Okay, first of all, let's just all remember that I am in fact a frog and am not accustomed to blogging about popular television shows or really doing anything that frogs don't normally do in everyday society. My normal day-to-day operations basically consist of sitting on lily pads and eating flies (well, and also hopping around, but that's a given), but still, here goes. I gotta tell ya, I think that Meryl Whatsherface is in prime position to bring home this year's Mirror Ball. She's like some sort of pixie angel, isn't she? I mean, obviously it's ridiculous that she's even allowed to participate in this competition (she's an Olympic DANCER for Pete's sake!), but they let her into the thing, so she might as well bring it home for Jerome. Also I think she and that Russian guy might ribbit ribbit ifyaknowwhatImean.
(I'm talking about fucking. I think they might fuck.)
Last Thing That I Can't Believe I Waited This Long to Bring Up
Yo, that legless lady said that her fake legs (flegs) could fly off at any moment. That one small detail makes her weekly performances THE MOST MUST-SEE TV EVER IN THE HISTORY OF MAN. Can you imagine if Derek Hough whips her goddamn legs off?!
This is an unbelievable world we live in!
Enjoy your week, everybody.
Meryl be killin' em!
DVR alert: Louis CK is hosting Saturday Night Live this week! Also, here's a dog eating dinner!