Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Bachelor: Women Tell All, Pinetop Jenkins Responds

Full disclosure, I'm friggin' tired. Tired, tired, tired. Tired of blogging, tired of wearing pants, tired of tha entire blog game hustle. So for this week's recap, I'm taking the week off and asking my good pal Pinetop Jenkins to step in. If ya don't know, Pinetop is a blues guitar legend and an 88-year-old sexual powerhouse. I think he''ll bring a fresh voice to this old, stale, stupid, stupid, stupid blog.

Before last night, Pinetop had never seen the Bach before, but when I asked my old pal to do me a solid, he checked it out. So without further fribble-frabble, I'm gonna pass the mic over to my good friend Pinetop so he can share his thoughts on last night's "Women Tell All" episode.

Here ya go, big fella. Smack 'em and yack 'em.

Hooooo, Dusty!

Pinetop Jenkins: Now look, we need to talk about that god damn dog. Just sittin' up there on that stage. Can't have no tee vee progrum with a damn dog on stage! Them ladies talked for 90 straight minutes, and not one of 'em mentioned that damn dog. I remember back in nineteen fifty three, played a show in Shreeport, Loozeeana, and a damn dog got up on stage and damn near bit my leg off. Musta hung on there all night, just chewin on muh leg while I tried to play muh gee-tar. Feisty little fella. Played a show in Bat-awn Rouge the next day, damn dog still hangin' on muh leg. That dog and I got to be pretty good pals tho. He'd a chew on muh leg, I'd throw him a piece of pee-can pie. That is til I shot him. Shot 'im right in da ass. Can't have no damn dog hangin' on yuh leg! And ya can't have no television progrum with a god damn dog on a stage. Mighta bit someone!

Now this Sharleen lady -- or Charlene, or Sharlayne, I don't know how ya spells it -- that's my kinda woman. I ain't known too many Sharleens who spells their name that way, and I knowns a lots of Sharleens, and when I say "knowns" I means had sex wit. Good sex too! Not like the sex them kids having these days anyhow. That sex is stupid! Had sex with a lotta women I tell ya. Not as many as Hambone Murphy doe. Hoooooooo, Dusty! Ole Hambone musta had sex with every gal in Mississippuh. Dogs too, but you ain't heard that from me. But this Sharleen Sharlayne, don't know what the hell she talkin' bout half the time, but she sticks to her guns, mmm hmmm. Stands by her man too. Can't have no 27 women on a stage hollering at a man! Ain't natural! Shoot, she the only one who stood up for John Pablo. That other fella on the stage last night, his little buddy, what's his name? The one with the small penis. He ain't gone defend no body. Where that man's penis? In my day, a man with a penis that small used to wear it on the outside of his pants to make it look bigger. Put it on the table if ya haveta.


Now don't get me started on Andi, now. Dang lawyer with all that fizzle fazzle talk. I ain't got no time for no fizzle fazzle and I sure as fiddle pie ain't gone trust no lawyer. Learned that while playing a gig in New York City. Big buildings in that city, hoooooo, Dusty! Me and Hambone went up there and made 30 cigs and a rag's tail in one night. That's piggly bank in a whiskey parlor if ya ask me. Still, that lady need a new hairstyle. Om-brey. Om-brey? What kinda way is that to wear yer hair?! Sure, works for Jared Lee-to, but she's a fine pretty lady. But Andi? Too much flibbity flarn!

Then there's Cassandra and the Dog Lady. Gotsta be the two stupidest women I'd ever did met. Cassandra yellin' at John Pablo 'cuz he met Renee's son. Ain't his fault he met da lady's son, lady! She introduced 'em! Dang nabbits. Got two rabbits in a hen's crow! And how 'bout that "Dog Lover"? Jus' callin' herself a dog lover. She only got one god damn dog! I known dog lovers who had 17 dogs tied up back of their peanut ranch. Puddin' dogs too. With a slab o' rabbit jam!

Enough of all this bloggity blog! Time to hear some of that old time Rag Mama, Rag. Hooooooo, Dusty!

Wow. How 'bout that, huh? I have no idea. Honestly no idea. Whatever, hey all you Philly people, check out this jawn from the New York Tizzles about what's goin awn wit da Philly accent deese dayze. Or don't. Honestly I don't care what you do. Just keep reading this blog. That's all I ask. That is ALL that I ask. Also read my 700 Level jawns from time to time. Would it kill you to do that?! I mean WOULD IT KILL YOU?! Ughghghghhh. 

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