Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Bachelor: Time for Some #RealTalk, Son!

Stole this pic from Zoo With Roy who stole it from People.com

"Honesty is the most important thing." 
- Juan Pabs, or Nikki, or someone else I honestly don't remember 
and it doesn't even come close to mattering

I don't know why people think honesty is so goddamn important. I'm 36 years old and have lied to pretty much everyone I've ever known and yet I seem to be doing just fine in this world. I'm married (to a woman). I have plenty of friends. I even have a dry cleaner who gets VERY excited when I show up at his door. (Granted, he charges me like $5 a shirt and I'm not even sure if he cleans anything, but he's got an amazing snaggle tooth and he laughs at my jokes, so we cool, we cool.) Does it matter that my entire life has been embellished?

For example, what if I told you that I have three testicles? Could be true, right? Based on the persona I've created on this website, it almost has to be true. That little piece of informashe, true or not, makes this blog SO much more interesting to read. I mean, what are you gonna do? Read some dude's blog who only has two testicles? Or see what the guy with three (or more!) has to say? It's a no-brainer. Now whether or not I actually have three testicles, or four, or nine (I could have nine!) doesn't matter, it's just more fun to think that your favorite television blogger has more than the normal allotted amount of testicles.

The fact that I don't actually have three testicles (or do I?!) isn't hurting anybody. It's just a little white lie to boost my brand. Even to the only person it would matter to (my wiiiiiiiife), it still doesn't really matter.

OMG WHAT'S YOUR POINT, EV?

No idea. Not a clue. But considering we live in a world where honesty is soooooooooooooooo important, I might as well give the people what they want. So here is the most real, most raw, most honest Bachelor recap I could write. All feelings going forward are 100% true. I'm 'bout to hit you with some #realtalk. So fasten your seatbelts, folks. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. And stop reading this in the car omg you're gonna crash!



- I have been defending Juan Pabs all season long -- his serial kissing, his ability to not ever have an actual conversation, his pepperoni nips -- but I simply CANNOT keep doing so because dude wears an anklet. How can you respect a grown man who wears an anklet? Even his cousin, WHO HAS BRACES, wears a better accessory than an anklet. I'm sorry Juan Pabs, I love you, but you need a phone check, homie!





- Ohhhhhhh Sharleen, so high and mighty, because she's so intellectual and interesting and dark and has the smoothest back in the history of backs, but the fact remains that there has never been a contestant on this show who tongued more often than Shar-Shar. Not Vienna. Not Jason Mesnick. No Tonguey McReynolds. (You don't remember her. She was from season 2. Don't bother looking it up. I'm a Bachelor expert.) Frankly though, I was very proud of Sharleen for doing so much tongueing. I got legitimately aroused every time I watched her tongue.

- "Aroused" is one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable words you can use in a blog post. That's just a fact, a medical fact. It somehow carries a whole different weight than saying "horny" or "hard as a muhg" or "wetter than the Pacific Oashe." Even I was uncomfortable reading the last line of the last paragraph. I'm sorry.

- I'm obviously not sorry, but whatever. Just trying to be honest here.

- Whenever Juan Pabs is tongueing chicks, I spend roughly 80% of the time looking at my TV screen to see if he has a boner. I don't know why I do this, but every time he plants one on somebody, my eyes go straight for his pants. Also, when I watch professional football, I often check out dudes' fronts as they walk back to the huddle. Some dudes have huge fronts. There are even times in the office when I will walk up to a lady at her cubicle after making sure that my own dork is pressed firmly against my fronts. I am not proud of this.

- Sometimes when checking to see if Juan Pabs has a boner, I will actually WALK UP TO THE TV to get a closer look. Occasionally I'll even change my vantage point to see if I can spot his dork at a different angle. This drives my wife absolutely bananas, but she also totally understands, and that's why I love her.

- On Monday, as Sharleen was leaving the show, her shorts were absolutely jammed inside of her ass crack. I must've rewound and watched that scene around 14 different times. I also took a photo of it.

That carpet tho. 

- To be honest, I took six photos of her butt. I kept trying to get the perfect butt shot. Here are the five other photos of Sharleen's butt.

close-up butt

butt with leg

action butt

possibly the same butt as the previous butt

high-waisted butt

- I also got really excited to see the rose/cheese board again. It was the first time Harrison busted it out since they were at the Bachelor mansion. Maybe it's an America-only thing? I took a pic of the rose board, too.

You gotta admit, that's a nice fucking rose board. 

- Any time any human being ever says something is "their heart," that is a super duper red flag that they are a psychopath. On Monday night while sitting on the beach with Juan Pabs, Andi said in regards to him meeting her family on a hometown date, "That's me. That's my heart. That's my everything." OMG SHUTTTT UPPPPPPPPPP. My family's fine, they're funny, they're annoying, whatever, but they're not my everything. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is my everything. I thought it would've been perfect if while Andi was spewing that nonsense for a crab to come up and just clamp her on her nose. That woulda been amazing. The little crab dangling off her face. Juan Pabs staring off at the sunset. Blood everywhere.




- The fact that Clare (who is 32!) has five older sisters who are ALL married takes her cuckoo-meter to a whole 'nother lev. The DVD from her dead father is one thing -- and OMG we BETTER get to see that vid before this season ends -- but she could be the craziest trick to ever appear on this stupid, ridiculous game show. Also, how has every Bach post I've written this year not been solely about the fact that she's a hair dresser?!?!

- Nikki's roots are goddamn embarrassment.

- If you're Juan Pabs, how do you take NIKKI to your daughter's dance recital when you know that your baby's momma is gonna be there? I wasn't surprised from an uncomfortable standpoint, who gives a shit about that, it's just that if I were bringing my new girlfriend to meet my SUPER HOT baby momma, I woulda brought the hottest possible chick I could find. It was honestly weird that he didn't bring Andi (or a Caribbean prostitute). It's also incredible that Andi's last name is Dorfman. HOW CAN HE EVER GET OVER THAT?

- Juan Pabs said at one point that "You cannot be sorry for something you feel." Well, I disagree. The other day I walked past a group of four teenage black dudes and I was CONVINCED that they were going to blast me right in the throat. I recognize that that makes me a horrible person, but that's how I felt. And I'm SORRY. But I honestly thought, for that split second of time, that they were gonna knock me the fuck out and take my lunch bag with my peanut butter jelly sandwich in it. And that would've made me SAD.

- I SAID I WAS SORRY.

- Jessica Simpson, now featured in a new Weight Watchers commersh, is officially the 4th hottest chick on the planet behind Mariah Carey, my wife, and every Trinidadian woman I've ever met.

- I've only met one Trinidadian woman in real life and she was my cleaning lady growing up, Joyce, and she was a very nice lady who could fold the shit outta some laundry.

Phone check, Joyce!





I sure did paste a lot of vids today, eh? Here's one more, a Vine vid of an incredible basketball move that you've probably already seen, but it's amazing. So check it out. Or don't. I honestly don't give a shit at this point. Just retweet some of my goddamn tweets for once. That's all I want. Would it kill you to do that from time to time? WOULD IT FUCKING KILL YOU? PHONE CHECK!

2 comments:

  1. It's good to know we aren't the only household in the U.S who spends roughly 2 hours every Bach-Monday on Juan Pabs crotch watch. It's interesting that he has a constant look of arousal about him, yet never seems to pitch a legit trouser tent.
    Every week I can see him interrupting one of the girls, mid-dead dad story with a smooth "I have a boner"...so where is it Juan Pabby?
    He is a curious creature.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHERE IS IT JUAN PABBY

      WHERE IS ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

      Delete