Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Bachelor: Rehashing Andi and Juan Pabs' Breakup Chat

Do I want waffles for breakfast? Or do I want pancakes? 

Here's essentially how I heard last night's conversation:

Andi: Hey Juan Pabbers.

Juan Pabs: Hi Andi. How you?

Andi: Oh, you know, been better.

Juan Pabs takes Andi's hand and softly brushes away her rogue eyebrow hairs. Then he lays her back and starts massaging her cheeks, before giving her a full Murad® Healthy Skin facial with exfoliating lotion and cucumbers and anything else that one might use to promote wellness.

Andi: Look, we had a really nice time togeths -- the traveling, the one-pieces, playing soccer with those dirty, disgusting natives -- but I'm just not feelin' it. So I think it's best if we go our separate ways. 

Juan Pabs: Oh. Okay. That too bad. But I understand.

Andi: Yeah, it's just you said some things in the Fantasy Suite that rubbed me the wrong way, soooo...

Juan Pabs: Okay, well, I liked you, but I understand. I walk you to the limo now. 

Andi: Ugh, how do I put this? I don't see a future with us. 

Juan Pabs: Hey, what can ya do? I understands. 

Andi: I just don't like you and feel as if you don't care about anything I say. 

Juan Pabs: So is your luggage back in your rooooom, orrrrr...? 

Andi: Like, take last night for instance...

Juan Pabs: Do you need help carrying anything? 'Cuz if we hurry, you can make the 2:45 nonstop to Atlanta easy. Ee cee.

Andi: Like, do you not understand? I'm dumping you on national television.

Juan Pabs: It actually looks a little foggy today, so probably best to get you on a flight right away. 

Andi: DID YOU SEE MY PRETTY LITTLE SHORTS? Let me tell you all the things that I hate about you. 

Juan Pabs: Look Andi, I'd love to sit here and try to work on a relationship that you just ended, but I've got two smoking hot chicks back at the hotel who are fingerblasting themselves right now thinking about me. So I'm gonna go.


Juan Pabs: Funny little story by the way: the other night, Clare promised to rip my dork off of my body and slap Chris Harrison in the face with it. Like actually dismember me!

Andi: I missed weddings for this! WEDDINGS!

Juan Pabs: I went to a wedding once. Biiiiiiiggggg wedding. Tall. 


Juan Pabs: I eat lots of bread and butt hair that day. 

Andi: No you didn't. 

Juan Pabs: How you say? Bread and butt hair?

Andi: Yeah. Bread and butter. 

Juan Pabs: Yes, bread and butt hair. 

Andi: Yes, bread and butt hair. 

Juan Pabs: Yes, bread and butt hair. 

Andi: I'm not doing this anymore. 

Juan Pabs: I like Andi. 

How amazing is it when the butter has little salt crystals on it?

Some other shit that may or may not be worth talking about: 

-- Nikki's titties were straight GUGENHEIMIN last night! Mamma mia!

-- Did Juan Pabs always have all those muscles? I don't remember him being that strong. Dude looks like he's been eatin some Bigg Mixx

-- It really bothers me when contestants really think about and debate the idea of going to the Fantasy Suite. Both Andi and Clare last night were like, "Welllllllllll, blah blah blah blibby blah, and blibbity blibbity blah blah," whereas Nikki was just like, "YUP! Let's do this." I mean, it has never been a debate. Just own up to it and have sex. Also, I liked how Nikki told Juan Pabs straight up that she loved him. Not some bullshit like Clare saying, "I'm loving falling in love with you," omg shut up. Nikki's growing on me, folks! THOSE TITTIES. 

-- When Juan Pabs and Andi asked that little kid what his name was, I coulda sworn he said "Grrvvenmen". But then we rewound it and figured out that his name was actually Gingerbread. 

-- It also really bothered me that Andi was freaking out in the limo, saying stuff like, "I'M SO SAD. I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL EVER FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE." Dude, YOU'RE TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD. By my 26th birthday, I had had sex with like three women and 87 different couch cushions. YOU'LL BE FINE LADY. Queen of the One Piece!

-- Speaking of Andi's one piece: do you think she's got a C-section scar? I think she might have a C-ser. 

-- Did you notice that Harrison put the roses in a cat bed last night?!?! ME-OWWW!

Could be a giant shell. 

-- My wife thought it'd be really funny if during the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison set up a broom lady with hair on it and pretended it was Andi. And she would just stand there and not talk and everyone would be like, "Wow, Andi must be really nervous. She's as stiff as a broom." So here's my attempt to make this happen. LOVE YOU HONEY!

For the record this did NOT come out how I wanted it to.
-- Hit it DJ Buttface!

Yo, check out our Bachcap® on Zoo With Roy today. It's a fun one. Also, expect some dope isht coming at you from TVMWWMMWWM in the next few days. THIS IS CALLED SELF-PROMOSHE, BABY. Hi everybody!


  1. Whyyyyyy do you hate Andi so much? Ain't a gal allowed to feel insecure? When I was 26 I didn't think I'd find anyone either. Turns out I was able to pay someone to marry me, but some things aren't learned until later in life.

    1. I just think she picked a stupid fight last night just to pick a fight. All she had to do was say, "Yo, dude, this ain't workin." Then Juan Pabby woulda been like, "Aight." And that's it. They go their separate ways. But instead she needed to talk about shit. Talking about shit is stupes. Communication is overrated. Also, Andi's fine. I don't hate her. She's just a total butt.

  2. Default? I dont know that word much.

  3. Cat bed! I had to pause and rewind to examine the new rose delivery vessel and all I could come up with was towel.
    Couple of quick quesches for ya:
    Are Nikki's roots no longer a problem for you?
    Do you still like Andi's butt or did the lace bloomers kill it?

    1. Nikki's roots are a GD embarrassment. And of course I still love Andi's butt. It's just the whole talking and listening and emotional stuff that's stupes. Also her father is a total blowhard.

  4. Come on, we know Andi doesn't have a c-scar because she already got naked once this season and we could see that she's got nothing to hide!

    1. Some people are very good at hiding things! Juan Pabs hid the fact that he's a doorknob for like 2 months!!!

  5. Long time fan, first time commenterMarch 1, 2014 at 12:16 AM

    Ev, I'm commentary on the serial ear rubs Juan Pabs was dishing out like condoms at a key party? Tsk, tsk.