Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Bachelor Hometown Dates: Rapid Fire Post Written on my Lunchbreak

Yo #realtalk I will stare at ducks ALL DAY LONG. 

Zing zang fling flang, I'm slammed at work today so here's a zippety-do quick-aroo fling-floo Bach post breaking down last night's hometown dates:

Can you imagine going 32 years on this earth without ever tasting BBQ? Good God, Juan Pabs, I would've sent Nikki home and gotten some one-on-one time with dem ribs. Also how 'bout that mechanical bull playing hard to get? Shaking his ass in the air like he think he know me. You don't know me, mechanical bull! You don't know me!

I coulda sworn Ernie Johnson and Kim Zolciak were the only white people from Atlanta. Still, kinda sexy when Andi was firing that assault rifle like a real non-Jewish person. In fact, while Juan Pabs was kissing her at the gun range, I wanted her to take that pistol and slowwwwwwwlllyyyyyyyy drag it across his lips, and then gennnnttttttllllllyyyyyy slide it down his throat until he could feel the cold steel against his tonsils. That woulda been HAWT. Prolly woulda seen some #precum too!

Renee's mom was so old the two of them coulda been sisters! Also, how bout the horror on Renee's face when she learned that her son got into MAKING BRACELETS while she was gone? Nope! Sorry Grandma, you are #BANNED from looking after my grandkids. Also, Renee's little shortie short shorts were WAY too short for a #MOM. No wonder she got sent home. Lotta hashtagging today!


From the very start, it was obvious that Clare's house was a goddamn slut cavern. At first, when she introduced her brother-in-law, I thought she said dude's name was Ernie. So I started freaking out, asking my wife and our friend Leigh if in fact that's what I heard. "His name is Ernie? HIS NAME IS ERNIE?!" They kept shushing me and saying no, his name was something like Montrie, which amazingly is not nearly as weird as calling someone Ernie. Seconds later, Clare introduced her sister Madeleine, but I coulda sworn she said Malvin, so I started freaking out again. "Malvin? MALLLLLVINNNNNN?" But my wife and Leigh corrected me once again and told me that if I didn't stop mouth-breathing I'd have to watch from the other room.

Of course, the evening's most bonkers mome happened when Clare's sister refused to leave Mama's side, a segment that my wife claimed was the "weirdest thing I've ever seen on this show." Frankly, I disagree, I think the weirdest thing ever was in the previous segment when that kid admitted to making bracelets.

So the question remains? What the fuck was wrong with that lady and why was she so protective of her drugged-out Mama? I came up with a few theories: 1) Mama was heavily medicated and Big Sis didn't want her to make a fool of herself on national television. 2) Mama collected some sort of life insurance settlement after her husband died, and Big Sis was scared that she'd give it all away to Clare so she could go and do something romantic, like rent out Arco Arena and show Juan Pabs the DVD of her stupid dead father on the Jumbotron. 3) omg who gives a shit?

Major takeaway so far this seez: If we don't get to see that goddamn lady's dead father's DVD, then life is full of shit. ABC better give us that one little bit of satisfaction. I am so ready to see that thing. I have never been more ready for anything in my entire life. I feel like the past five years of watching this show were just a warm-up preparing me for this stupid moment. Yeah, I know, it's just gonna be some dead guy talking about his dumb daughter, but goddamn I wanna see it. I wanna see it so bad. It's like when my wife pulls down her pants and shows me her butt. Don't just show me your butt, show me your entire asshole. We're both adults here. Let's act like it.

Normally I like to embed music videos at the end of these posts that have something to do with the theme, but I frankly have no idea what these lyrics are talking about, I just think it's a dope song. It's about a strained relationship or something, so I guess it does makes sense, but honestly who gives a shit. I'm pretty much ready to not ever give a shit about anything ever again. Here's a picture of a Brazilian butt. Also, coming later this week is a really dope movie post I've been working on for a little while that's gonna blow your butt off your face. Good luck, everybody.  


  1. I think we just have to face facts. Clare's dad never existed. All the stupid fucking stories are clearly made up (they did their daddy daughter wedding day dance right before he croaked?? COMEON!)
    Mama bought all the semen for those girls from the jarred semen aisle at Walmart.
    And that's why Laura wouldn't let her speak.

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