Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Bachelor: HATERS GONNA HATE

Juan Pabs wearing an orange bracelet for hemorrhoid awareness. 

Lotta people hatin' on Juan Pabs these days. Saying he's a total doorknob, with no personality, but these people are idiots. Total bonehead idiots. Juan Pablo is everything we'd ever want in a Bach. He necks with everyone. He necks! He rarely has any sort of actual conversations with these women, nor does it look like he's ever even listening. He has trouble understanding the English language. He admitted last night to wearing pink underwear. You don't have pink underwear. You don't have any exotic underwear. You have the most boring, grey and black and maybe navy, underwear. I don't know what you people want from this man. He is a sexual beast. I guarantee at some point this season he will tie Clare's feet around her throat. I love him. His vocabulary is so limited.



Even Sharleen -- who could be the most well-rounded and cerebral contestant to ever appear on this game show -- cannot withstand his sexual powers. During one-on-one time last night (and God I feel so stupid typing that, "one-on-one time", like that's an actual thing) Sharleen pulled away from Juan Pabs so she could talk to him about how their relationship was progressing. But after Juan Pabs told her to relax and put his hand over her nose like she was a CHILD, she couldn't help herself from tongueing him even deeper.

I mean honestly folks, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM THIS SHOW? More talking? More feelings? A guy who understands GRAMMAR? Fuckkkkkkk youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

This man goes from chick to chick to chick just licking, just constantly licking. And they all love it. There is not one woman on this show who cannot get enough of his red, wet, searching tongue. Of the women left, only Clare has a real connection to Juan Pabs, but that's mostly because she wants to ride his dork like a sling shot. Renee likes him too, but she's so desperate for a sling shot ride of her own that she'd go for just about anyone. Andi's just out there having a good time showing off DAT ASS (I see you girl rockin' that one-piece!). Sharleen has still not wrapped her head around what she signed up for. And I can't remember who else is left. Oh, Nikki aka Mrs. My Hair Is Always a Mess When The Date Card Shows Up and Chelsie, who is obviously giving Juan Pabs secret handjobs off camera.

So where does that leave us?

I don't know. I fell asleep during last night's Rose Ceremony. And before that, I was flipping between the Olympics and the Westminster Dog Show. It's amazing how much dogs like sniffing stuff. Maxine would make a wonderful Bachelorette.

So many nips!

Some other shit that may or may not be worth talking about:

- Hey, I loved Kat's boobs as much as the next perverted, disgusting, lecherous blogger, but she had to go after using the word "journaling" as a verb. I don't care how nice and round and milky and smooth and enormous and soft and symmetrical your boobs are, no man can deal with a woman who uses a word like that.

- Clare LOCKED UP an invitation to the Fantasy Suite after rubbing her bare foot on Juan Pabs' leg. The more I see of her, the more I like her. There is no way that she's on the pill.

- Andi mentioned last night that she "can't wait to have a family." And while I recognize that kids are adorable and life isn't really worth living if you don't procreate, she can wait to have a family. She can wait. She's 26. She still has plenty of years to actually live life before pissing it all away. I'm 36 and I still feel like I've got a good 20 or 30 years to go before I start toasting Pop Tarts for someone incapable of using a toaster. Every human being I know who has kids hates EVERYTHING. You should see the look of anger and jealousy in my parent-friends' eyes when I tell them how my wife and I spend our carefree weekends. Granted, most of our weekends are spent watching old episodes of Party Down in our pajamas, but that's precisely the point. My wife has never once screamed her head off to put on an episode of Caillou.

- That show #Resurrection looks like the biggest piece of garbage that has ever been produced. Dead people come back to life, but they're wearing modern-day clothing? Lulu Lemon can suck my buttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.





Gotta be honest, I did not watch that entire Two Dogs Dining video above, but I did watch the first minute or so and laughed. OMG who cares here's a really fascinating and sad story about a guy who was born with a face on the back of his head.

4 comments:

  1. I so do wear exotic underwear, I'm wearing my 2008 World Series Champions boxers right now.

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  2. Do you think Juan Pabs gargles some Listerine between tonguing the ladies on the group date?

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    Replies
    1. Considering he's from Ithaca, I think he goes au natural.

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