|Sorry, Joan Rivvs.|
Every Thursday from now until the Oscars, I will be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, to chat about movies. Their credentials are as follows: Sara has spent her entire life amongst Hollywood's elite: her husband played youth soccer with Jake Gylls and her dad was Anna Nicole Smith's attorney at the Supreme Court! Feddd eats a lot of fish tacos. Onto this week's topic... Oscar fashion!
me: All right guys, people get really friggin' excited about Oscar fashion. My wife goes absolutely bonks and starts tuning in to the red carpet show like 3 hours before tip-off and yells at me when I don't have the right channel on. It's on like three different channels and I never know which one I'm supposed to be on. So today we're gonna take a look back at some of the shittiest outfits ever and talk about them. Sound good?
me: Thanks for sounding so excited, guys.
God I hate both of you.
All right, first person ... from 1998 ... I honestly have no idea what year this was from.
me: Kate Huds!
Sara: i wanna smack that smug smile off her smarmy face
i have issues with kate huds
Feddd: My first instinct was: I am onboard with this
me: I actually think her smile looks nice
Feddd: Me too but I am on Circs' side always
Sara: no, the dress is ridiculous though her ass looks great
me: Wait, before we talk about this, can we just acknowledge that the dude behind her is quite possibly the oldest person to ever exist
Also, you can't even see her ass, Circs!
Sara: you kind of can, her shape looks great
me: I mean, you can see a little of it
Feddd: I just spent a full actual minute trying to see her ass
Sara: and her smile is actually fine, but i just don't like her
me: I honestly think she looks fantastic
like, the more you stare at her, the more she grows on you
Sara: saw her on an episode of Rachel Zoe and just really cannot stand her
Feddd: Who in the fuck is Rachel Zoe?
me: I've got my little chat screen next to the image and at this point I'm smitten
Rachel Zoe is a golfer, feddd
Sara: You've never seen The Rachel Zoe Project?
me: a professional golfer
She takes people, like celebrities, and helps them with their golf swings
Sara: She's a stylist to the stars, Feddd
Feddd: Why would you tell the golfer lie? What is in it for you?
me: Like Ray Romano, and Charles Barks
Sara: I think it was on Bravo
me: Let's move onto to the next person
Sara: I can tell you what's in it for me: an opportunity to ignore Evan
Feddd: Fine but I'm leaving this pic up
Just downloaded software that lets you rotate pics so I can see that butt
me: A little before and after actsh ...
me: what is awwwww?
Sara: she used to look like a little European person
me: what is possibly awwwwww?
Sara: it's cute! she was a little girl!
me: omg, i get it, i get that she was a little girl, but she looks weird as a muhgggggg
that is not like macauley culks cute or drew barrymore cute
also that oscar is HUGE
Feddd: This column was billed as "Some of the shittiest outfits" ever and you chose a little goddamn fresh-faced girl
Sara: i think paqs is just tiny there
i know, seriously what's wrong with you
me: C'MON, THAT HAT IS STUPES
Sara: like, it's a kind of weird outfit, but she's a little girl, she can do weird stuff
Feddd: The hat is horrible
me: thank you feddd!
Feddd: jk I like it
me: oh you're just showing off for your internet friends!
Sara: i actually think the hat is cute
me: no one could like that hat
Feddd: How does it feel to be busted that hard?
me: this is a classic
and it's actually a very nice outfit
Sara: let's just come to terms with the fact that anna paqs was a terrible choice
me: but it must be discussed
circs, please stop interrupting my intro
Sara: please write it faster
Feddd: The next pic: Eleanor Roosevelt's funeral gown
me: HAS TO BE DISCUSSED
can't have an oscar fashion chat on a blog that's supposed to be about television my wife watches without it
Feddd: She looks fantastic
me: so milky
Sara: she does
me: that look she's giving! Circs, you were a maths major, what kinda angle is her arm at there?
Sara: are you really asking me this?
i'd say that's like a 37-degree'er
how many degrees do ya think
Feddd: It's a very cute! lol
Sara: no, it's like 80 degrees
me: take a guess
Sara: eighty five
me: 85?!??! what?!
right you're right
yeah, that's not even close to 37
Sara: what a surprise
me: how bout those dickheads behind her
AND STOP BEING SO RUDE, CIRCS
YOU TOO FEDDD
WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE
Sara: they are making so much fun of her
Feddd: I closed the pic already b/c I'm at work and I'm embarrassed
Feddd: It was so milky
me: one of my personal faves coming up
a blast from the past
Feddd: I just googled "37 degree angle”
me: boom baby!
me: I think we've got an obtuse'r here, Circs!
Feddd: That one did not open on the work computer
Sara: weird choice for oscars but at least it's bold
Feddd: What kind of deep internet bullshit was that?
Sara: i'm sorry but can't we do this one:
me: Saggy Tits Mcgee!
how bout Henry Headset behind her
Feddd: I am surrounded by coworkers I can't be looking at saggy tits
Oh God I wanna look
Sara: it's just gwyneth paltrow
she's not topless
me: WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT WORK ENVIRONMENT DO YOU WORK IN FEDDD
it's not JUST gwyneth paltrow
it's gwyneth paltrow with saggy ass tits in front on a dude wearing a headset
Sara: alright, your whole immediate focus on people behind people wearing headsets was cute at first, NOW IT'S JUST RIDICULOUS
Feddd: Do you know that Ev was once called into his employer's office because he had filled up SIGNIFICANT server space with porn?
Not his current employer
me: that's actually true
Sara: is that true?
me: here's what happened
Feddd: It is true
me: i didn't know how computers really worked
"i didn't know how computers really worked" is how that story absolutely HAS to start
me: and i SWORE that my boss had said once before that if you have porn on your computer, just save it to a folder or something
this is so stupid
but he must've said trash it
so i had all this porn saved in one folder
Sara: and why would you make sure you had it right? it's just porn
me: and was taking up like all of the company's RAM
Sara: this is so fucking amazing
me: it was a very ridiculous work environment and my boss laughed when he brought me in and it was no big deal
but i seriously clogged the network for a little while
Sara: when was this, were you using AOL
Feddd: What was the folder called? Do you remember?
me: I think i had 'em saved in my work email. I dunno.
Anyway, i've got two more pics
Sara: okay do it
me: this is the longest chat ever
me: i wanna do coke off her stomach so bad
Sara: i feel like cher knew she was going out on a limb
i feel like cher decided "this year, i'm going to do something different"
"really show 'em"
me: she was way into diffrent strokes
Sara: wow. wow.
Feddd: She honestly looks incredible
me: i totally agree
i actually love both cher's outfit and this next one
I mean, it's a classic
**goes down in basement, develops film***
something really adorable about bjork
me: Feddd completely MIA for this last portion of the chat
Sara: see, the thing is
Feddd: Sorry, I opened that Cher pic as my boss asked me a question and fainted
Sara: these outfits are INTENTIONALLY ridiculous
me: I love the dress
Feddd: I was looking at Cher's flat toned stomach and hearing my boss's voice
Sara: like, what can i say about bjork's swan outfit?
me: i mean, why not be ridiculous
the oscars are stupes
Sara: i know, i'm not complaining about that i'm saying what is there to say about it?
me: i could say a lot about it
Sara: like, it'd be easier to talk about an attempt to be fashionable that failed
or didn't fail
me: if you guys weren't here, i could fill this entire blogpost with stuff about it
Sara: WELL DON'T LET US GET IN YOUR WAY
me: honestly i think that lady in the way back has half an arm
Feddd: I honestly have not been able to collect my thoughts since that Cher pic
Sara: i actually know what i can talk about here
what's happening with her legs
why are they lumpy?
me: stop it circs!
me: criticize the outfit, not the lady!
Sara: no no i'm not
i'm saying it's the stockings
me: you don't see me complaining about one armed willy back there
Sara: like, they're loose, falling, lumpy
it's not hard to find stockings that fit
me: ain't that the truth!
Feddd: "Don't criticize the person! Now here is a pic of a sweet young child -- what an idiot!"
me: okay guys, we gotta wrap this up
any final thoughts?
i was not criticizing anyone's body, i want to be clear, and i love everyone except kate huds!
me: i love kate huds!
Read previous installments of this stellar series below:
- Best Foreign Films
- Best Jared Leto
- Best Non-Mark Ruffaloian Actor
- Best Actressssssss
- Celebrity Sightings: Method Man
- Celebrity Sightings: Bil Coz