Monday, February 24, 2014

Downton Abbey: Primetime Performer OF THE YEAR presented by A1® Steak Sauce

Y'all thought it was safe?
A1® hits you in the face!

SPOILER ALERT: There are so many spoilers in this post. Like, so many. There's honestly like 18 spoilers. 

Me, last night, at approximately 8:53pm EST: "If I never saw another episode of this show, I'd be fine with it." Me, after ANOTHER GODDAMN ROLLER COASTER RIDE: "I'm back on board, baby!"

So here we go, folks, the season-ending awarding of the Downton Abbey Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Snauce!

Evster:  Forget about Eve, Lady Mary proved this season that she's the real First Lady of Ruff Ryders.

After losing her mans to the streets, Lady Mary kept it 100 all year long. From the first ep, LM was chasin' dat paper, bringing those pigs to Yorkshire and making sure Downton's finances was in check. She got grimey as a muhg too, shakin' her la-la around and teasing not one but two dudes, both of whom was tryna put they seed in her. And the whole time, she stayed true to da game, never snitchin on her top soldier, Mr. Bates aka The Yorkshire Assassin aka Louisiana Slim aka Peg Leg Betty. Big ups also to Sammy Davis Sr. and Mr. Molesly for tryna fuck a couple of white bitchez, and to Lady Edith for steady gettin' that d. But Lady Mary was the #1 stunna, stirring up da pot and runnin' her game, all while wearing some beautiful eggplant-colored dresses that went just lovely with her skin tone. Congrats Lady M, you're TVMWW's Primetime Performer of da year!

Turbo: You spell Mr. Molesley's name wrong EVERY WEEK, you dufus. But nice choice with Mary as the Performer Of The Year. Def deserves it. She really hit rock bottom and rebounded rather nicely. There is an E after the second L. She lost her husband and her sister but that didn't stop her from getting right back on the horse and moving on with her life. Two Es. When in doubt just throw another E in there. Well done Mary!

With that being said, I'd like to spread a lil sauce around to a couple of other folks who also had some fine performances this season.

Mr. Bates found out his wife got raped and you know what he did? He murdered the bloke. The Granthams found themselves in the middle of a massive scandal that could have brought down the Prince of Wales and THE ENTIRE ROYAL FAMILY. So to whom did the Grantham's turn? You guess it, Batesy. Mr. MoleslEy had an up and down season but I'd like to give him a little dap for swallowing his pride and taking on many roles beneath him at the Abbey. Molesley also started mackin on the new woman, Phyllis (who is kind of hot? I mean she's not bad for an older lady who likes to sew, right?), and also taught her not to fall prey to the manipulative Barrow. Also I happen to think Rose is (from 1-10) a certified 20 so I'll just throw her in there, too.

So there you go. The sauce goes to Mary and well deserved, I say. This has been a lot of fun this season, Evan, and I'd like to thank you for inviting me to do this recap with you every week. I'd also like to thank our generous sponsor, A1®, for providing us with an endless amount of support throughout. You truly were great to us. We promise we'll get more page views and comments and shares and all that stuff next season so please don't drop us we need this give us another chance we can make you guys serious money just need to build this up some more which is def going to happen ok thanks again we love your sauce!!

Until next season, ta ta!

Evster: Also special shout out to Alfred and Daisy who are just the ADORBSEST and I totes wanna see them togetherrrrrrrr!!!

Congrattuutalalstiittotnionssss, Lady Mary!!!


Seriously, big ups to our very generous sponsor, A1® Steak Snauce, for helping us out this entire seez. This extremely unpopular weekly segment would not have been possible without their support. Also, shout out Turbo Underscore Timmy for lending his expertise to this heaping pile of wet internet garbage every week. And if y'all still ain't following Turbs on Twitter, y'all need to CHECK YO SELVES.


  1. Finally just finished the finale and obvs the first thing I did was read the DA:PP post. Couple of things:

    1) Honestly couldn't believe it when it was over. I was basically like, did a single goddamned thing happen this season? (Besides a rape and a murder. BUT C'MONNNNN THOSE WERE EPISODES AGO.)

    2) Good call on Mary because it was cool how she got muddy and burned that ticket that would've implicated Batesy, but I didn't understand where she left things with those two handsomefaces because all their conversations were too boring.

    3) Agree that Lady Rose is a certified twentyyyyyy. She's like Samantha Mathis with an extra dose of cute sauce doused on top.

    4)'s about a primetime performer to PAUL GIAMATTS JUST SHOWING UP THERE. HEY PAUL GIAMATTS, NICE TO SEE YOU, HERE'S A WEIRD ROLE ON A POPULAR SHOW, HAVE A NICE DAY. Not sure what I'm saying here but Paul Giamatts, you guys!

    Five) No idea what happened to Lady Edith's baby it was too boring.


  2. I saw the beginning of this post days ago and just got to watching the ep tonight. I was expecting the second hour to be exciting, given this post, but it was maybe the boringest thing I've ever seen.

    And I kind of wish Mary hadn't burned that ticket. I'm I the only one that finds Bates incredibly annoying. Always defending peoples' honor and shit. And murdering. And then brooding.

    1. Bates is the worst I want him to die and I was sort of glad (NOT REALLY) that his wife got raped (ONCE AGAIN I SAID NOT REALLY).