Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Evster's Top 69 Comedy Movies of Alllllllll Time

Do I really need to write an intro here? The title says it all. This is the official TV My Wife Watches list ranking the top 69 comedies of all time. For the record, I did not intend for this list to have exactly 69 movies. It just kinda worked out that way. This list is 100% approved by Mr. Froggington.

"You're goddamn right it is."

To clarify, these are not my wife's favorite comedies. They are mine. And considering there was no way that I was going to write recaps for all 69 of them, I asked 12 of my best blogger friends (and real, actual human friends) to each pick one classic comedy, and write a blurb about it.

So check it out, see where your favorite comedy ranks, and suck my butt.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Bachelor: Rehashing Andi and Juan Pabs' Breakup Chat

Do I want waffles for breakfast? Or do I want pancakes? 

Here's essentially how I heard last night's conversation:

Andi: Hey Juan Pabbers.

Juan Pabs: Hi Andi. How you?

Andi: Oh, you know, been better.

Juan Pabs takes Andi's hand and softly brushes away her rogue eyebrow hairs. Then he lays her back and starts massaging her cheeks, before giving her a full Murad® Healthy Skin facial with exfoliating lotion and cucumbers and anything else that one might use to promote wellness.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Bachelor Hometown Dates: Rapid Fire Post Written on my Lunchbreak

Yo #realtalk I will stare at ducks ALL DAY LONG. 

Zing zang fling flang, I'm slammed at work today so here's a zippety-do quick-aroo fling-floo Bach post breaking down last night's hometown dates:

DATELINE: KANSAS CITY, MIZZOU
Can you imagine going 32 years on this earth without ever tasting BBQ? Good God, Juan Pabs, I would've sent Nikki home and gotten some one-on-one time with dem ribs. Also how 'bout that mechanical bull playing hard to get? Shaking his ass in the air like he think he know me. You don't know me, mechanical bull! You don't know me!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Downton Abbey: Primetime Performer OF THE YEAR presented by A1® Steak Sauce

Y'all thought it was safe?
A1® hits you in the face!

SPOILER ALERT: There are so many spoilers in this post. Like, so many. There's honestly like 18 spoilers. 
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Me, last night, at approximately 8:53pm EST: "If I never saw another episode of this show, I'd be fine with it." Me, after ANOTHER GODDAMN ROLLER COASTER RIDE: "I'm back on board, baby!"

So here we go, folks, the season-ending awarding of the Downton Abbey Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Snauce!

Evster:  Forget about Eve, Lady Mary proved this season that she's the real First Lady of Ruff Ryders.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Oscar Chat with Feddd & Sara Circs: The Worst/Secretly Best Oscar Fashion Ever!!!

Sorry, Joan Rivvs.

Every Thursday from now until the Oscars, I will be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, to chat about movies. Their credentials are as follows: Sara has spent her entire life amongst Hollywood's elite: her husband played youth soccer with Jake Gylls and her dad was Anna Nicole Smith's attorney at the Supreme Court! Feddd eats a lot of fish tacos. Onto this week's topic... Oscar fashion!

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me: All right guys, people get really friggin' excited about Oscar fashion. My wife goes absolutely bonks and starts tuning in to the red carpet show like 3 hours before tip-off and yells at me when I don't have the right channel on. It's on like three different channels and I never know which one I'm supposed to be on. So today we're gonna take a look back at some of the shittiest outfits ever and talk about them. Sound good? 

Sara: Yes 

Feddd: Yes 

me: Thanks for sounding so excited, guys. 
God I hate both of you. 
All right, first person ... from 1998 ... I honestly have no idea what year this was from. 




Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Bachelor: Time for Some #RealTalk, Son!

Stole this pic from Zoo With Roy who stole it from People.com

"Honesty is the most important thing." 
- Juan Pabs, or Nikki, or someone else I honestly don't remember 
and it doesn't even come close to mattering

I don't know why people think honesty is so goddamn important. I'm 36 years old and have lied to pretty much everyone I've ever known and yet I seem to be doing just fine in this world. I'm married (to a woman). I have plenty of friends. I even have a dry cleaner who gets VERY excited when I show up at his door. (Granted, he charges me like $5 a shirt and I'm not even sure if he cleans anything, but he's got an amazing snaggle tooth and he laughs at my jokes, so we cool, we cool.) Does it matter that my entire life has been embellished?

For example, what if I told you that I have three testicles? Could be true, right? Based on the persona I've created on this website, it almost has to be true. That little piece of informashe, true or not, makes this blog SO much more interesting to read. I mean, what are you gonna do? Read some dude's blog who only has two testicles? Or see what the guy with three (or more!) has to say? It's a no-brainer. Now whether or not I actually have three testicles, or four, or nine (I could have nine!) doesn't matter, it's just more fun to think that your favorite television blogger has more than the normal allotted amount of testicles.

The fact that I don't actually have three testicles (or do I?!) isn't hurting anybody. It's just a little white lie to boost my brand. Even to the only person it would matter to (my wiiiiiiiife), it still doesn't really matter.

OMG WHAT'S YOUR POINT, EV?

No idea. Not a clue. But considering we live in a world where honesty is soooooooooooooooo important, I might as well give the people what they want. So here is the most real, most raw, most honest Bachelor recap I could write. All feelings going forward are 100% true. I'm 'bout to hit you with some #realtalk. So fasten your seatbelts, folks. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. And stop reading this in the car omg you're gonna crash!

Monday, February 17, 2014

Downton Abbey: Week 7 Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Snauce

omg this is a thing?

TVMWW's pageviews have been down lately, which has led me to take a step back and think about just what the hell I'm doing here. I figure at this point, I've got three options: I could A) slit my wrists and end this charade once and for all, B) blow up a goddamn bridge and take you all with me, or C) KEEP PUMPIN OUT RICH, TANGY CONTENT.

Obviously I'm choosing C!

Last Week's Top #GoogSearches That Led People to TVMWMWMWWW

Actual screenshot from @Kunk7's computer.

Here's how this works:

1. I start a blog
2. People type stuff into Google that leads them to my blog
3. Google Analytics allows me to see what people have searched for
4. This post writes itself

So let's check out last week's top Google searches that led people to TV My Wife Watches DOT COM.



Also, baklava.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Oscar Chat with Feddd and Sara Circs: Best Foreign Language Film

Honestly an amazing movie and an amazing actor. 

Every Thursday from now until the Oscars, I will be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, to chat about movies. Their credentials are as follows: Feddd translates close-captioning on DVDs for a major movie production company. Sara Circs went to high school with Jason Segal. Onto this week's topic... the year's Best Foreign Language films!

-------------------

me: Hi guys, I'm guessing you didn't see any of the Foreign Language films nominated for an Osc this year? 

Feddd: Obviously no 

Sara: Made a point of seeing each one six saturday evenings in a row, slept through every single one. 

me: That honestly sounds like six fantastic Saturdays. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Bachelor: HATERS GONNA HATE

Juan Pabs wearing an orange bracelet for hemorrhoid awareness. 

Lotta people hatin' on Juan Pabs these days. Saying he's a total doorknob, with no personality, but these people are idiots. Total bonehead idiots. Juan Pablo is everything we'd ever want in a Bach. He necks with everyone. He necks! He rarely has any sort of actual conversations with these women, nor does it look like he's ever even listening. He has trouble understanding the English language. He admitted last night to wearing pink underwear. You don't have pink underwear. You don't have any exotic underwear. You have the most boring, grey and black and maybe navy, underwear. I don't know what you people want from this man. He is a sexual beast. I guarantee at some point this season he will tie Clare's feet around her throat. I love him. His vocabulary is so limited.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Downton Abbey: Week 6 Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce

Actual photo from Sara Circs' parents' dinner table!!!

All right meat lovers, grab your steaks, slather 'em up and let's get saucy!

Ev: Turbs, I don't know about you, but I find it very frustrating that Downton Abs has a reputashe for being lame and froo-frooey when in actuality this show hits HARD AS FUCK. In last night's ep, a lady tried to kill her unborn baby (scandalous!), a black dude made out with a teenager (on a boat!), and a rape victim was forced to drink tea with her rapist (zowzers!). This show is a motherfreakin' rolla coasta! As far as the Primetime Performer award, so many worthy candidates: Mrs. Crawley for nursing Old Mama Grantham back to health, Mr. Pig Farmer Guy for saving those pigs, the pigs for acting in a major television drama! OMG I'm obvs giving the award to the piggies. THEY WERE OINKING!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Oscar Chat with Feddd and Sara Circs: Jared Leto Edition

real person

Every Thursday from now until the Oscars, I will be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, to chat about movies. Their credentials are as follows: Sara was born and raised in LA and has a host of connections in the movie biz. Feddd once jacked his d in the Pacific Oashe. Onto this week's topic... Jared Leto!

-------------------

me:   So I don't know if y'all know this, but Jared Leto won the award for Best Supporting Actor at the Golden Globes, and now he's nominated for an Oscar. Frankly, I don't know anything about the dude other than he's a bozo. I didn't see Dallas Buyers, and he might've done a really great job in it, but I cannot handle him. Do you guys have any feelings toward him? Did you see Dallas Buyers? No you didn't. Of course you didn't. Who wants to say something? His hair is unacceptable. 

Sara:   Guys. I have a surprise for you. 

Feddd:   omg what? 

Sara:   You didn't know this going in, but this is gonna be a COMBO POST because Jared Leto went to my physical therapy gym! 

Feddd:   WHOA 

me:   A COMBO POST 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Bachelor: Juan Pabs, the Makeout King of Ithaca, NY

Pretty sure they're wearing the same t-shirt, which is incredible.

It's time to stop dancing around the subject that's on everybody's mind, a topic that's out there, staring us in the face, dying to be discussed. Few people are willing (or even able) to tackle this issue. But that's what I'm here for ladies and gentleburgs -- to do the lord's work, and break down the hard hitting assignments that other blogs are too scared to touch. You see, this year on The Bach we are dealing with someone who we have never seen the likes of, a man who is doing things that no other Bach has done. This year, we have ourselves a certified Level 19 Poon Hound.

Yeah I said it.

I said it!

A Level 19!

This guy will stop at nothing to take his tongue and rub it against other people's tongues. In a boat, above a cave, ON A GROUPER (with three different women!), back-to-back-to-back, and I haven't even mentioned his fluffer sesh in the Pacific Oashe. (By the by, let's not get carried away people, he did not boink Clare in that ocean. There was some stupid article written today about how he boinked her, and how horrible of a person he is, but that's just ridiculous. If he boinked her, like actually boinked her, then Clare would've let it slip to the other ladies that they boinked, and then all the other girls would've gone absolutely boinkers and left the show. He probably finger banged her, I mean, he definitely finger banged her, but there was no boinking. Take it from me. I know about boinking, and boinking in an ocean is not fun. Honestly the only fun place to legitimately boink is on a bed. Sure, sure, Glenn Close will have you believe that boinking against a wall or on top of a Buick Le Sabre is hot -- and it sorta is -- but it's not fun. That's make-believe Hollywood stuff. For the record, I'm at a Level 24. But you knew that already. Glenn Close is at like a level 37. Jane Fonda is somewhere in the 200's.)

Monday, February 3, 2014

Downton Abbey: Week 5 Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Snauce

So thick, so tangy, so Downton. 

All right folks, no need for fribble frabble, Turbo Timmy and I are back to dish out this week's award!


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Ev: I didn't watch Downton last night.

Turbo: Me neither.

Ev: Should we give this week's award to Pam Oliver's coat?

Turbo: Yes.

Congratulations, Pam Oliver's coat!

Previous winners include:

Week 1 -- Daisy 
Week 2 -- Mr. Handsomeface 
Week 3 -- Richard Sherman 
Week 4 -- Mrs. Hughes