Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor Week 4: Ranking the Slop That's Left

Kat's titty hangin' out.

Poor Juan Pabs. He is down to only 11 women. Only 11! How did that happen? The guy started with TWENTY SEVEN ladies, and now he's reduced to this lot? Ugh, well at least he's got a few sex kittens left who know how to slurp and burp with the best of 'em. I'm sorry I have no clue what the fuck I'm talking about. As I'm typing this a window washer is hanging outside of my 4th-story office window and slamming his knees into the glass. This is terrifying. Let's just rank the women who are left like the cold pieces of dead meat that they are.

Quick note before we do, the following rankings are NOT the Official Evster Pervert Rankings. These are simply the order of girls who I think Juan Pabby might pick. If I had to rank the contestants on who I personally would choose, it'd be: 1) That Fresh Squeezed Lemonade from Last Night  2) Kat's Boobs  3) Chantal from Brad's Season  4) Every Colombian Chick Ever  5) Idris Elba.

Onto the rankings!

Absolutely No Shot Whatsoevs

11. The Light-skinned Black Lady
10. That Other Lady

These ladies might be perfectly nice -- and there are times when I think the black chick might be sort of pretty? -- but they simply have not snagged enough air time to be considered true contenders. A guy I work with thinks the black chick is GROSS, which I think is RUDE, but then again he's the type of guy who lifts weights and drinks protein shakes so he's obviously a doorknob.

Also No Shot, But Nice Job Getting on TV 

9. The Dog Lovah 
8. The Science Educator?

I absolutely love the Dog Lady. She has a legitimately good sense of humor and I'm 99% sure that she abuses hardcore pain medication. You can tell because her eyelids are always droopy and she looks like she sleeps in a gutter. The Science Educator? Who cares, school sucks.

Zoo With Roy's mom catches a couple zzz's.

Simply Not Sexual Enough, Also Possibly 47 years old

7. Nikki
6. Renee
6. (tie) The Aforementioned Fresh Squeezed Lemonade

Four dollars a glass, five dollars, six, who cares. If it's a hot day (or a cold one, doesn't matter) and you are walking around some stupid street fair, you will give up your life savings for a glass of fresh lemon heaven. Even better when they make it right in front of you -- like on the Ocean City Boardwalk -- and they jam that lemon with that metal clamper and then leave a half a lemon wedge sitting in the bottom of your cup. The lemon always takes up way too much room (it's friggin' ridiculous!), robbing you of more sweet sugary goodness, but it's refreshing to know that you can still find lemonade stands that TAKE PRIDE in their beverages. If there happens to be a funnel cake stand nearby too, then you might as well slug me in the throat.

But back to this stupid fucking television show: Nikki's like sort of fine and kind of funny and sometimes pretty, but she just doesn't give off enough sexual energy to be taken seriously. Renee is just too goddamn old and weathered. I think it's nice that the producers picked a 47-year-old woman to be on the show -- and Renee seems down to earth and relatively low maintenance -- but she literally might keel over and die at any mome.

Now remember, just because it seems like Nikki and Renee have dried up apricot bushes, it does not mean that they're incapable of controlling a man. They could still easily fool Juan Pablo by revealing something nasty about themselves. Remember, Juan Pabs is a man, and men are the stupidest fucking people in the world, so all these women have to say to him is something like, "Hey, I like to wear panties that are four sizes too small because I like the way the fabric feels on my asshole," and then boom, they've locked themselves into Fantasy Suite opportunities. Ladies out there who are reading this, never forget that you too can rule this world if in fact you have a working female vagina.

Google Image Search: Bird eating funnel cake.

Still Around for Fantasy Suite Potential and Fantasy Suite Potential Only

5. Clare
4. Cassandra
3. Kat's Boobs

I think Clare would be a really good correspondent for the Today Show. I have no idea why, but I feel like it's the most accurate and astute observation I've ever made on this website. I also have no idea what the difference is between the words "accurate" and "astute." Yes I do, what I am talking about. God I need to just shut up sometimes. Anyway, Clare just has that undeniable blend of cuckooness and dumb makeup that would go great with Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbs. That being said, I totally understand why Juan Pabs is keeping her around, because she has the look of a woman who would have sex in a refrigerator.

Cassandra, she's a total snooze, but she's super tall and beautiful and from what I can tell does not have any lingering scars from her early pregnancy.

Kat's Boobs are pretty self explanatory. Also, the fact that her father was a raging alcoholic makes her boobs that much more enticing. Once again, no logic to back this up, but you know I'm right.

Baby Let Me Lick You Up and Down, 'Til You Sayyyy Stop

2. Sharleen the Opera Singer 

OKAY GIRLFRIEND. I see you with that "Lemme just slide my finger in your mouth before you taste my saliva," move. That's a veteran move. THAT'S A VETERAN MOVE. They do not teach that stuff in school Mrs. Science Educator! Yes, I know, her shoes last night were HORRIBLE, and she is way too smart and intellectual and deep and weird for Juan Pabs, but her Eastern Albanian kissing style was VERY arousing.

Sharleen might be the realest chick to ever appear on this show. (Remember, her favorite movie of all time is the Royal Tenenbaums.) Last night, she wasn't just feeding Juan Pabs some bullshit like the other girls. I can't stand that, the lame-o conversations they always have as they're cuddling under some dumb blanket ... "Ohhhh, there's no one I'd rather be here with than you." ... "This is so crazy. I can't believe this is happening." ... "I have a deep, dark fear of shoe horns." Shut up, we all do. No one wants that weird curved plastic rubbing up against their heels. But Sharleen kept it real, telling Juan Pabby that she may not be as prepared for motherhood as the other bitches. I cannot believe I am seriously discussing their relationship. Whatever, eventually I think she's gonna pull back big time after Clare sucks the cum out of Juan Pablo's cock.

Lock It and Load It, Folks. You Heard it Here First.

1. Andi

Nice hair, supes pretty, raspy voice, and she's going to look great tied up in Juan Pablo's attic. Her only downfall is that her last name is DORFMAN -- a recent finding that deserves its own blogpost -- but Andi Galavis sounds perfectly respectable. Also, sometimes a name is just a name.

Am I right Dr. Fish Zone?!?!


Words words words words words words words words words words. Link to funny-looking animals. 


  1. I want you to know that I read this while eating and now I don't want to eat anything ever again

  2. Pretty cool that your GIS result for "bird eating funnel cake" turned up a picture of @_magowan.

  3. I used the "underwear 4 sizes too small" line on my husband last night in an attempt to force him to do the dishes for the next calendar month.
    It totally worked - he promised, in fact, to do them for the remainder of this YEAR if I shut my whoreish mouth and never spoke to him again.
    Two birds. One stone.

    1. This comment is a first ballot hall-of-famer in the TVMWW Comment Hall of Fame if we ever make one.


    2. May I take this opportunity to thank you for the positive feedback and also ask why the EFFIN FRIG is there no Blurg post on THE SEAN AND CATHERINE WEDDING!?!!?
      There was a bridal suite coitus cam forchrissakes and...and...Chris Harrison grilled the couple re: the imminent union of their genitalia, literally minutes before they walked down the aisle.
      Seriously, it was "poke my eyes out" glorious television.

  4. Dude, how many friggin' posts do you want I AM ONLY ONE MAN.

    We watched da Grammys on Sundee night and flipped over to the wedding for a bit and I saw Sean cry and I couldn't handle it. I also saw a maid making their bed beforehand and it was absolutely bonkers and I almost threw my television into the street but TVs are heavy.