Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor Week 2: "Hey Girl Heyyyyyyyy"

Is this a snuff film?

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman 
who'd be mad at me for saying that." - Mitch Hedberg

Look, if there's one thing I've learned about the whole blogging game, it's that when you can't think of anything to write about, just slap down a bunch of quotes and go to work. As I'm typing this, it is midnight on Tuesday morning and I am way too tired to think of a running thread for this post, so instead, here are just a bunch of ridiculous quotes that were actually said -- by real, live, human people -- during Monday night's show.

"I'm good at taking pictures and I'm good at eating cheese." - The Dog Lady

Done. Perfect. This lady makes my final four. Forget about finding the perfect stepmother for your daughter, or ending up with a woman who makes your toes curl, just find a partner who has mastered the art of eating cheese. My wife -- WHO I LOVE VERY MUCH -- is terrible at eating cheese. I cannot tell you how many times I've pulled out my cheese board and unwrapped like five different cheeses and she was all, "Ummm, what are you doing?" and I'd be like, "Eating cheese," and she'd be like, "You're eating all the cheese?" and I'd be like, "No. I'm sampling all the cheese," and then of course I'd eat all the cheese and get massive diarrhea and she'd be all, "See! You've never been good at eating cheese!" and I'd be all, "WHY DON'T YOU SUPPORT ME EVER?"

That poor friggin' woman though, being forced to dress up like that disgusting dog. Ugh, I couldn't even look at her. She definitely deserved that rose. And for all you women's libbers out there who were outraged by Captain Blue Beard pressuring Andi to get naked, and thinking, "OMG! Andi being forced to take her clothes off was way worse!" No it wasn't. She's a super hot chick with a slamming bod. Getting naked is much better than having to cover your entire body in clumpy brown body paint while wearing a swimming cap. You can't play the I-have-dignity-card when you signed up for the world's stupidest game show. Oh my god seriously that brown swimming cap was so gross. Juan Pabs will never be able to shake that image. She'll be gone next week.

She doesn't even look anything close to a dog.

"You can't leave without your shoes." - the Production Assistant guy, telling Victoria why she couldn't get on a plane and just leave the show

I really appreciate that guy trying to keep Victoria on the show for as long as he possibly could -- she was reality TV gold -- but telling a person that she couldn't leave because she didn't have her shoes? That's the dumbest made-up excuse I've ever heard. He couldn't come up with something better? This is a person whose sole responsibility is to deal with crazy people.

Without even thinking about it, here are three things that dude could've said that would have been much more convincing than, "You can't leave without your shoes."

1) "No reputable airline is going to let a drunk and belligerent slutwagon like you on board their aircraft."

2) "Forget about not having shoes, pretty sure you need some sort of identification and/or pants to get on a plane these days."

3) "If you promise to calm down and find your wedges, I will give you some goddamn Cheetos."

I mean, to be honest, shoes are like the one item that you absolutely do NOT need in order to board an airplane. It's much easier to fly without 'em anyway. You don't have to take 'em off and put 'em back on at security. They won't get all jammed up underneath your seat. Do you realize that on a fairly consistent basis, you (and some other living, breathing people) actually visit this website? Can you believe that? It fascinates me. Absolutely fascinates me. 

"I call my mother at least 10 times a day." - Cassandra, the 21-year-old NBA dancer and mother of Rodney Stuckey's baby!

Nope. Unacceptable. Code Red, bonafide, whack job alert. I don't care how perfectly round and supple the tops of a woman's breasts are, if you're the Bach and you hear that, you have to send that lady home IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner. What could you possibly talk to your mother about TEN TIMES A DAY? The last, ohhhhhhh, I dunno, 47 times I've talked to my mother, every conversation has gone exactly like this:

MOM: Hellooo?

ME: Hey Mom.

MOM: Who is this? I don't recognize this voice.

ME: Very funny, Mom.

MOM: Oh! Is this my Evy? My son who's too busy to ever call me? The man who only has time for one woman in his life?

ME: Okay Mom, that's disgusting. That's fucking disgusting.

MOM: Is it? Nancy Rosenman's daughter calls her every day.

ME: Nancy Rosenman's daughter is a lunatic, Mom. Also who the fuck is Nancy Rosenman?

MOM: Oh, that reminds me. Did I tell you that Jamie Chalmers' son Adam got into dental school?

This is the part of the phone call where my mom tells me what every one of her friends' children are doing, even though I've never heard of any of these people. It drives me fucking berserk. I have no idea what the point of this section was. Oh yeah, 21-year-old Dance Mom is a maniac.

"I'm a news reporter, do you mind if I interview you?" - Amy, the absolute clammiest news reporter in the history of news reporters

In the middle of Amy's pretend-interview, I was shocked that Juan Pablo didn't take her pretend-microphone and slam it on the real-ground. What a stupid and boring way to talk to a person. 

I'm gonna try and put a cheese pic in every post this seez.

"Blah blah blah, something about my dead father, blah blah blah." - Clare, my wife's all-time least favorite person in the history of this show

This woman is out of her friggin' mind. I've probably been on close to 100 dates in my life (No, that's a lie. Maybe 50. No, that's ridiculous. 30. Probably like 30 actual dates where I went out with a chick, we said some stuff to each other and then I tried to get a footjob) and not once did I talk about my dead father. Now granted, my father's not dead, he's very much alive and has called me pretty much 10 times a day for the last 15 years, but still, if he was, IF HE WAS, I would not bring him up.

Do you know why?


You know what I would talk about on my first date? Cheese. And whatever the freak my date wanted to talk about. Because when you first meet people, you want to give off the impresh that you're laid back and down for whatevs. My wife pulled a total smokeshow over my eyes when we first started dating. She would come over on a weeknight, in just some yoga pants and a tank top, and watch NBA basketball with me. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I JUST SAID? She would watch basketball with me! She listened to my stories, made me feel important and didn't once talk about the honorable and genuine man that her father is. Granted, yes, I understand that a dude loving his mother is wayyyyy grosser than a woman being into her father, but still, both are supersonic disgusting. That lady is lucky she has a nice butt.

Here's another thing THAT BLEW MY FUCKING MIND: Both Clare and the black chick that got sent packing said they "aren't really dating" at home. How is that possible? How do you go on a nationally televised dating show without trying it at home first? Just seeing what it's like! Just grabbing a person in your stupid hometown and going out for a cup of coff! Finding someone to go on a date with is not difficult. Especially for women who don't have to wear swimming caps. Just make a goddamn online dating profile, put up one stupid picture of yourself showing off your bare shoulder, and boom, you'll have 17 dudes with fresh condoms lined up at your door.

I currently have an online dating profile on BlackPeopleMeet.com that I set it up late one night while watching a Kings-Clippers game, and I swear around 13 chicks a week email me tryna get togeths. Granted, they all live in Virginia and think my name is Willie Dawkins, but still, the fact remains that they are there for the taking.

God this show is so stupid.

I'm ready for them all to have sex.

Look, whether you like it or not, you just read an entire Bachelor recap on this incredibly stupid website. I know you're embarrassed, but I greatly appreciate it. I really do. I love you very much. So do me a favor, copy the stupid link from this article and send it out to one stupid person you know. That's all I ask. One stupid person. That way, maybe they'll get a kick out of reading this too, and I'll have one more reader and we'll all be one step closer to getting the FCC to ban this blog forever. So could you do that for me? COULD YOU DO ONE STUPID THING FOR ME IN YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE STUPID LIFE? Thank you. 


  1. FORMER NBA dancer. She's retired, Evan.

  2. Great, after seeing that pic now I have to go and spend like $50 on cheese.

  3. are you the swiss cheese pervert terrorizing East Falls?