|There has never been a more miserable-looking woman|
than the black-haired chick in the upper left.
All right, before we begin, before we start ranking lunatics and talking about massage oils and breaking down all of the wildlife featured in last night's ep (horses, goats AND a dog!), can you imagine having to be one of the limo drivers who had to shuttle those women to the mansion?! Just a normal guy, doing your job, wearing a hat, while a half a dozen hairless women scream their heads off in your backseat. I couldn't take it. I could not take it. I would drive my car right into the Pacific Ocean. Not because the ladies were so annoying, but because I'd be constantly checking my rearview mirror, spying on all the freshly-lathered women. Truly one of the most erotic car rides in the history of car rides, except for every one of my trips back from Hebrew school with Rachel Axelrod and her slut tank of a mother, Lori. I guarantee you that after dropping those girls off, every one of those limo drivers headed right to the nearest prostitution junction. What an incredible world that we live in. What an incredible world.
Okay, onto the show.
Last night's premiere had some epic ups and some word-that-means-the-opposite-of-epic downs. Besides that one lady petting those horses, there were a host of wonderful, heartwarming moments, but also a bunch of embarrassing ones. Let's start with the good:
The lady who rode in on a bicycle piano could be the most incredible person to ever walk this earth. Let's take a quick second to sit back and reflect on what the hell happened there, because it all happened so fast and I'm not sure we were really able to totally digest it. A WOMAN INTRODUCED HERSELF TO A NATIONAL TELEVISION AUDIENCE BY RIDING IN ON A BICYCLE PIANO.
"Music is my passion," she told Juan Pabs.
|I don't know why I think this picture is so funny.|
Then there was Chris Harrison's introduction of the rose board, which was kind of like a cheese board, but for roses. I don't remember them having a rose board in the past. Maybe they did, maybe they've always had a rose board, but I vaguely remember them having a rose platter? Either way, I'm stoked to see more of the rose board. It was so rustic! Let it be known that I actually own two different cheese boards. Although one's really more of a cheese slate. I am honestly fascinated that you continue to visit this website.
The one lady who made the strongest impression on me was obviously the massage therapist. What a woman. What an incredible, perverted, disgusting gem of a woman. Just a sex cavern of sex. I loved her. When she stepped out the limo, instead of going in for the traditional hug/cheek kiss combo, I fully expected her grab Juan Pablo's dork. Why would he send her home? WHY WOULD HE SEND HER HOME? If there was ever a woman on this show who had the potential to suspend herself from a ceiling fan and masturbate on camera, it was her. But now we'll be denied that voyeuristic experience, all because Juan Pabs is a prude. Did you hear how much she was grunting?! And that was just from rubbing his socks!
Juan Pabs really is absolutely adorable though. He's so cute, and so good natured, and seems to genuinely be dumber than a bottle of bleu cheese salad dressing. Plus he named his daughter after Gonzo's pet chicken. What a guy.
Anybody see that Sleepy's commercial? Great ad!
Ugh, how bout when the Science Educator (which apparently is a thing?) pretended to conduct a mini experiment with Juan Pabs. First of all, those were not "safety goggles," they were trendy glasses. Secondly, she just chucked those test tubes right into the bushes! Um, THAT'S FUCKING LITTERING! Don't you realize that some poor sap of a production assistant had to pick those up? Squeezing through the bushes, getting pricked by the branches, his shoes covered in mud from the all-night hose-a-thon. Yo, fuck that lady. Fuck that lady in the face.
I wasn't sure how I felt about the grade school teacher from Texas either, the one who brought Juan Pabs a gold star. I feel like she might've had an ulterior motive. "Hi Juan Pabs, I'm just gonna pin this gold star right to your lapel. Yep, perfect, right there, that way people will know what kinda guy you are. And also I'm gonna tattoo a few numbers on your arm. Just right here on your bicep. No big deal, just giving you your own special number. Is your family around by any chance? I'd love to tattoo numbers on their biceps too. Also is there an attic in this mansion? 'Cuz you might wanna sleep in there tonight." This is a Holocaust joke people. I'm doing a Holocaust joke. Let's move on.
THE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE
The Free Spirit Lady was obviously horrible, but I didn't really have a major problem with her until the rose ceremony. Sure, her bare feet and overall sloppiness was annoying, but dude, this is the Bach, we've seen antics like that before. But at the end, when she received that rose, she did one of the most disgusting and unacceptable things any contestant has ever done on this show.
Here she was, in front of 9 or 10 women who had yet to receive a rose, a group of ladies who would most likely be going home with their hearts crushed, and their egos bruised and their anti-anxiety meds ramped up to the highest possible dosage, and yet she chose to do a little friggin' flutterbug twirly bird after having her name called. We get it, you're excited that you got picked, but don't show up the other ladies. They're still living, breathing people. I know that I joke around on here a lot, and talk about chicks slurpin' and burpin and setting women's butts on fire, but have a little class, lady. Be at least SOMEWHAT self-aware. Yeah, these chicks are all idiots for going on the show in the first place, but that doesn't make it right to shove it in their faces that you get picked. Also, wear a LITTLE makeup for goodness sakes. It's the least you can do.
Also for the record, keeping Free Spirit Lady around was definitely a "Producer's Save." There's no way Juan Pabs would've kept her around, but the producers definitely put their foot down and made him pick her. Dog Lady too. By the way, is that dog going to live in the house?! If so, THAT'S AMAZING.
And then of course, there was Crying Lady. Poor, pathetic Crying Lady. She didn't have to do this. She didn't have to do any of this. She didn't have to sign up for this show, she didn't have to accept their offer, and she sure as shit didn't have to have an emotional breakdown on national television.
As soon as she started to lose it, and realized she wasn't in a healthy place, she shoulda JUST GOT THE HELL OUTTA THERE. Just leave, lady! You don't need to talk to the cameras! You don't need to explain yourself! Just run! Just run out of the goddamn mansion! No one needs to hear about your failed engagement. Or how you were totally ready to be a stepmom and that makes you and Juan Pablo perfectly compatible. No. No. No crying lady. No one would've been mad at you if you just ripped off your microphone and started running down the 405. I don't even know what the fuck the 405 is, but I know it would've been a safer place for you to be than on this show. But then again, what do I know? I'm just a rising internet celebrity with 932 Twitter followers and a ridiculously hairy penis.
Well folks, we did it. We made it through week one of the Bach. If you want even MORE Bach write-ups, check out ZooWithRoy.com. Every week, me, Zoo and Sara Circs will be doing Bachcaps® there as well. Obviously I'm going to use my A material here and give Zoo my scraps, but still, it should be great. Also here's an absolutely unbelievable picture of goats in a tree.