Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor ep 3: Ranking the Erotica

"OMG Juan Pabs that's hilarious tell us again about the time
you took your sister to get an aborsh."

Throughout this stupid website's run, you've heard all sorts of reasons for why I watch The Bach: "It's absurd." "My wife watches it." "I have a 47-inch penis." Whatever. All true, but whatever. The main reason I watch (and why you tune in every Monday night too) is because we are all perverts. Hot, wet, disgusting perverts. This game show is nothing more than a glorified sex tank, and yet every week, we sit on our couches, eating our Sun Chips, and wait to see what happens when a bunch of women ovulate.

Some of the action is HAWT (you can't deny it) and some of it is just downright disgusting (but still kinda hot). So let's take a look back at Monday night's ep and rate just how erotic, or how gross, the action was.

As always, we will be using the standard Nørwegian Erøtic Sex Scale, with leather whips representing hotness and Billie Jean Kings representing grossness.

Sharleen Tongueing Juan Pabs - 5 leather whips


Probably the most consistently hot (but secretly disgusting) act on this show, there are few things more exciting than watching the cameras close in on two, wet, searching tongues. Last night, Sharleen rocketed up the TVMWW/USA Today Coaches Poll after she pressed her round, red, mouth over Juan Pabs', and proved to us all that she has in fact been with a man before. Obviously, she loses points for having her eyes closed (c'mon Sharleen, this is AMERICA), but it was still refreshing to see that she has BASIC WOMANLY NEEDS.


Cassandra Talking About Her Stupid Child - 9 Billie Jean Kings


Ugh Cassandra, you're so freaking hot and can clearly shake your rumproast, and yet on your one-on-one date you chose to show Juan Pabs a picture of your stupid kid? No one wants to see your son, lady. NO ONE. We want to see tongues. Did you not read the previous paragraph? The only thing worse that you could've done was show Juan Pabs your Facebook status when you asked, "CALLING ALL MOMMIES: Can you recommend a good (but relatively inexpensive) organic baby powder? Little Rodney has a rash in his asshole and he's been digging in all night! Thanks! :)"

No big deal, just photos of a pregnant Cassandra from all three tri-mesters!

Cassandra Stepping Out of her Romper, Revealing her Bikini Bottoms - 7 leather whips


Hats off to The Bachelor camera crew for focusing on Cassandra's delicate ankles as she stepped out of her red romper. (Evster's note: the only reason I know it's called a "romper" is because my wife mumbled "nice romper" when she came out for her date.) Regardless, it's such a simple and erotic move to let gravity take over and allow your stupid garment to fall to your feet. The subsequent action of stepping out of the outfit takes the eroticism to a whole new level. It doesn't hurt that Cassandra's 21-year-old bod is BADOONGLE-DOONGLED even though she shot a baby out of her vagina only a short time ago. Obviously, she has no chance to win this competish, but I appreciate her lack of c-section scars.


Chris Harrison's Two-tone Color Block Shirt - 5 Billie Jean Kings


Way to dry everything up, Harrison, showing up in the stupidest shirt I've ever seen. Also, can we get this guy a different hairstyle? He still does the exact same comb-everything-forward-and-then-flap-it-up-in the-front move that every fraternity dude was rockin' in Two Thousand Ought One.


Chicks Sitting Barefoot on the Couch Together - 27 leather whips


There is nothing -- AND I MEAN, NOTHING -- hotter than when the ladies are just hanging around the house barefoot, in their little short shorts, with their freshly shaved glistening legs propped up on the couch. I have never once actually listened to what they're saying in these scenarios, because I'm too busy watching their little toes twinkling. I also find it fascinating that women FACE EACH OTHER while talking, as if they're actually listening to what one another are talking about. The best is when there's like four or five ladies on one couch, which provides a better opportunity for them to touch and/or spit in each other's faces. If I were the Bach -- AND I UNDERSTAND THAT I NEVER WILL BE -- I would replace all Rose Ceremonies with Couch-emonies, where we would all just sit around and play footsie. I realize that Athlete's Foot is very itchy and very real, but it'd totally be worth it.

Google Image Search: "Sorority Chicks on Couch"

Sharleen's Crying - 7 Billie Jean Kings


Ugh, have these people NEVER watched this show before? WE KNOW that it's difficult to be around so many other women. WE KNOW this is not a normal situation to put yourself into. WE KNOW that anytime I start three consecutive sentences with "WE KNOW" that there's always gonna be a joke at the end. And yet without fail, there is ALWAYS a lady crying like an sap on the Bachelor's shoulder. Pretty nice job by Juan Pabs to pretend like he gave a shit -- going with the ole Venezuelan Back Rub/Push Her Hair Out of Her Face move -- but it was not surprising that he pulled back from kissing her as Sharleen snorfed back her tears and wiped away her snot.

(Also for the record, as a Grade A Certified Master Perv Machine, I do understand that sometimes it is SUPER HOT for a chick to be crying whilst kissing, but last night was not one of those times.)

Woman in the back-right-hand-corner has clearly never performed fellatio. 

Watching a Chick Get Blasted by a Soccer Ball - 6 leather whips


It's not so much the blasting that was hot, it was the combined whimpering and crumbling to the ground that revved up the eroto-meter. Last night, poor Sharleen kept getting wailed, to the point where I fully expected Juan Pabs to pop that champagne cork right into her eye after the game.

(Apologies to all of you Twitter dorks who already read that joke last night in your timeline. Also who cares.)


Dancing in Front of a Band That No One Has Ever Heard Of - 3 Billie Jean Kings


Speaking of Twitter dorkdom, last night when they first showed the band, I tweeted, "Rick Steeble and the Steeblemakers!" which I swore was gonna get like 400 retweets... and it got NOTHIN'. No response at all. Proving that all 977 of my followers are DUMB.

The Black Chick's Silk Robe - 1 leather whip
I appreciate the effort!


Dog Lady Covering Her Face So Juan Pabs Wouldn't See Her Without Makeup - 5 Billie Jean Kings


Can we all take a quick second to acknowledge how hilarious these pictures of Billie Jean King are?

Stole this pic from Zoo With Roy!

Kat's Wammers - 11 leather whips


Yo, they are honestly OUT OF CONTROL. Combine Kat's yams with her straddling Juan Pabs' face in da swimming pool???

GOOD.

NIGHT.





Want more Bachcap actsh? Check out Zoo With Roy for more more more. Or just take a look at the world's biggest taco. That's what I'd do. 

5 comments:

  1. You didn't think the Sharleen kiss was kind of horrible and gross and awkward (which I realize you find hot so I guess I answered my own questch but still)?

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    1. I thought it was very sensual and arousing, kind of like eating a danish.

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  2. Is that really the world's biggest taco?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Also, having to "prove I'm not a robot" to comment on this dumb blog is the world's biggest fucking joke.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know and I'm sorry but I was getting a ton of spam and omg this is so boring.

      Delete