The Oscars are only 46 days away (I counted!). So from now until then, every week we'll be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Jesse Feddds and Sara Circs, to hear what's goin' on in the Emerald City.
Last week, Feddd and Circs told us all about the big time celebrities they've recently seen out and about in Los Angeles. This week, they're doing the exact same thing because quite frankly that's all that they're good for.
ALSO FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE, this week I have color coded everyone's parts (Circs's idea). Circs in green because bitchez love money. Feddd tall, dark and blue. Me in pink (obviously).
But enough with all this jibber jabber!
Let's get to the Gchat!
me: All right guys, who wants to start?
Sara: i think Feddd should go because i told like three stories last time
me: FEDDDER, WE'RE STARTING WITH YOU.
who'd you see this week?
AND DON'T LIE
Feddd: Okay, I won't
me: Thank you.
Feddd: I saw Boris Yeltsin yesterday
me: CIRCS, YOU'RE UP
Sara: seriously? okay
me: Who'd you see THIS WEEK
Sara: no one
Feddd: I saw Bill hader
me: BACK TO YOU, FEDDD!
where'd you see him
Feddd: At a nice Culver City restaurant
Sara: what restaurant?
Sara: oooh, tell us about the date you were on
me: omg I understand that these aren't exactly open ended questions, but FEEL FREE TO ELABORATE
Circs, you're up
Feddd: honestly I saw him, played it v cool, and in a very chill way told everybody at my table
Sara: I saw Paul McCarts around 200five (my five key doesn't work) or so
me: omg Circs I was kidding, it's still Feddd's turn. Was he there with friends, Feddd? CHICKS?
Feddd: Oh my God you can get a keyboard for 9 dollars
My story is not good
He looked like he was just having a nice relaxed lunch with 5 other dudes
Sara: FIVE OTHER DUDES IT HAD TO BE FIVE
me: OMG PLEASE GIVE MY READER(S) SOMETHING TO BE INTERESTED IN
Feddd: I figured hey, he's new in town, just catching up with his buds
Sara: did he move here? sounds like you have some kind of inside scoop
Feddd: well, just cuz he's not on SNL anymore
I have no idea if he's new in town
Sara: oh yeah, he hasn't been on SNL for at least a year
me: Ugh, he writes for South Park now
me: yeah, he's learning the ropes from those guys or something.
Feddd: this is so goddamn boring
me: What was he eating? Did people go up to him? Did you fill your pants with shit?
Feddd: I walked by the table and they were CLEARLY talking about a script and I barfed
should we move on to Circs?
Feddd: yes please
me: the paul mccarts story she's been dying to tell for 8 long years
|LA's hottest club is ... Akasha. |
It's got Feddd, Circs, printer cartridges, clams casino, real life Ashkenazis.
Sara: You'll be surprised to hear this is also not a good story save for the paul mccarts part
Sara: so my then boyfriend (dash key doesn't work) and i are walking down VENTURA BLVD in Studio City
and walking towards us is a couple pushing a baby carriage or "pram" as they say across the pond
Feddd: we get it, Circs, YOU'VE DATED
Sara: it was NOT a stroller, it was the kind where the baby is facing you because these people are rich
me: you mean a pram?
Sara: yes anyway they're pretty far away at first and as they get closer we see that he's significantly older
then they get closer and i think we both start to process OMG THIS IS PAUL MCCARTS AND HEATHER MILLS
but we can't look at each other because they'll see us and know we're doing the OMG THAT'S PAUL MCCARTS AND HEATHER MILLS secret eye dance
me: 8 years in the making this story
Sara: so i think we both just secretly prayed the other one was noticing that it was paul mccarts and we walked by them
me: and he stole your 5 key
Feddd: **googling Heather Mills**
me: she's the lady with no feet, Feddd
Sara: and their smug asses were thinking "yes that's right we are paul mccarts and heather mills"
then they walked by us and i punched heather mills in the leg just to make sure and yep it was her
she didn't miss a beat
me: Dudes, y'all need to learn how to INTERACT with these people
Feddd: oh nothing. just your feet/legs comments
Feddd: cut my part out
Sara: is it rude
i mean is it inappropes
me: Here's the story of when i met method man
|Whatever Cain Images get over yourself.|
me: FEDDDD, I APOLOGIZE IF YOU'VE ALREADY HEARD THIS STORY
then again it's not like you listen when i talk anyway
Sara: **googles method man**
me: NBA ALL STAR WEEKEND, 2002 IN PHILADELPHIA
Feddd: I honestly thought you were lying when you started this story
me: Evvvvvvvvverybody who's anybody is in town
So my buddy The Rev and I decide to go downtown to the Marriot where everyone was staying (we lived down the street and I wanted to fuck a famous dude and get preggs)
The problem was, everything was roped off, and you couldn't get into the hotel
but as we stood outside doing absolutely nothing, player after player, entertainer after entertainer kept showing up
eventually, i told Rev that i had a plan
and I'm sorry this story is so long sometimes I can't shut up
I have a blog you know
Feddd: I'm answering work emails
Sara: taking a bath
me: So i see that there is a restaurant attached to the hotel that has a street entrance
so i go in there ... "yes, can i help you?"
"just going to take a shit"
Feddd: Yes, Karl Kani help you? (hilarious 90s joke)
me: so i zip past the hostess dude and walk to the bathroom ... but i'm not really going to the bathroom, guys! ... i start nosying around, and find a DOOR
so i push the door open and BOOM
I'M IN THE HOTEL
IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS LONGGGGGGGGG HALLWAY
Feddd: OH JESUS WHAT KIND OF DOOR
MORE DETAILS PLS SNOOOOZE
what were the hallway dimensions?
me: that leads from where the limos are dropping people off to the hotel lobb
SHUT UP FEDDD
so i'm in the middle of this long hallway and coming toward me is METH
Sara: stole this from wayne's world but fine
Feddd: This is honestly from Garden State
me: so I start walking toward the lobby -- ACT LIKE YOU BELONG, RIGHT GUYS? -- and meth and i are now walking down this long hallway, basically together
we've got like 30 feet to go walking side by side
Sara: what did you do with poor Rev
me: and i want to say something to Meth, obviously, but not something dumb like "just wanted to tell you that my boyfriend and I are huge fans."
Feddd: "the hallway was decorated in the Victorian style, with arched ceilings and brass fixtures"
me: so I turn to him and I say, "So Meth, you gonna tell all your friends tomorrow that you met me?"
and he goes, "what?"
and I go, "nothin."
Sara: what percentage of this story is true
me: OMG ALL OF THIS STORY IS TRUE
Sara: that's a good story!
it's too bad he didn't hear you
me: no, he heard me he just didn't get the joke
Sara: oh. sad.
me: I KNOW
IT'S A GOOD STORY
TELL YOUR FAT FRIEND FEDDDD THAT
"Bill Hader ate a tuna sandwich" omg
GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN DEETS, PEOPLE
TIL NEXT TIME!
Feddd: I went to an entertainers league summer basketball game once in Santa Mons
oh we're done
Sara: ugh this was gonna be good too i just know it
me: SEE YA NEXT WEEK
Don't forget to come back next week for more CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS WITH FEDDD AND SARA CIRCS. To bide your time until then, take this online survey that explains "Which Muppet Are You?" Or don't. I honestly don't care. JK I totally do. It's a fun survey. I'm the Swedish Chef!