Thursday, January 30, 2014

Oscar Chat with Feddd and Sara Circs: Best Non-Mark-Ruffaloian Actor

Marf Rarfalo still not nominated for You Can Count on Me (2000). 

Every Thursday from now until the Oscars, I will be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, to chat about movies. Their credentials are as follows: Feddd has a Masters in Screenwriting from Boston University and works for a major film production company in LA; Sara Circs is a person. Onto this week's topic... Best Actor!

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me: hi guys 

Sara: hi evster 

Feddd: hi guys 

Sara: hi fedddster 

me: what's everybody wearing 


Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor Week 4: Ranking the Slop That's Left

Kat's titty hangin' out.

Poor Juan Pabs. He is down to only 11 women. Only 11! How did that happen? The guy started with TWENTY SEVEN ladies, and now he's reduced to this lot? Ugh, well at least he's got a few sex kittens left who know how to slurp and burp with the best of 'em. I'm sorry I have no clue what the fuck I'm talking about. As I'm typing this a window washer is hanging outside of my 4th-story office window and slamming his knees into the glass. This is terrifying. Let's just rank the women who are left like the cold pieces of dead meat that they are.

Quick note before we do, the following rankings are NOT the Official Evster Pervert Rankings. These are simply the order of girls who I think Juan Pabby might pick. If I had to rank the contestants on who I personally would choose, it'd be: 1) That Fresh Squeezed Lemonade from Last Night  2) Kat's Boobs  3) Chantal from Brad's Season  4) Every Colombian Chick Ever  5) Idris Elba.

Onto the rankings!

Absolutely No Shot Whatsoevs

11. The Light-skinned Black Lady
10. That Other Lady

These ladies might be perfectly nice -- and there are times when I think the black chick might be sort of pretty? -- but they simply have not snagged enough air time to be considered true contenders. A guy I work with thinks the black chick is GROSS, which I think is RUDE, but then again he's the type of guy who lifts weights and drinks protein shakes so he's obviously a doorknob.

Also No Shot, But Nice Job Getting on TV 

9. The Dog Lovah 
8. The Science Educator?

I absolutely love the Dog Lady. She has a legitimately good sense of humor and I'm 99% sure that she abuses hardcore pain medication. You can tell because her eyelids are always droopy and she looks like she sleeps in a gutter. The Science Educator? Who cares, school sucks.

Zoo With Roy's mom catches a couple zzz's.

Simply Not Sexual Enough, Also Possibly 47 years old

7. Nikki
6. Renee
6. (tie) The Aforementioned Fresh Squeezed Lemonade

Four dollars a glass, five dollars, six, who cares. If it's a hot day (or a cold one, doesn't matter) and you are walking around some stupid street fair, you will give up your life savings for a glass of fresh lemon heaven. Even better when they make it right in front of you -- like on the Ocean City Boardwalk -- and they jam that lemon with that metal clamper and then leave a half a lemon wedge sitting in the bottom of your cup. The lemon always takes up way too much room (it's friggin' ridiculous!), robbing you of more sweet sugary goodness, but it's refreshing to know that you can still find lemonade stands that TAKE PRIDE in their beverages. If there happens to be a funnel cake stand nearby too, then you might as well slug me in the throat.

But back to this stupid fucking television show: Nikki's like sort of fine and kind of funny and sometimes pretty, but she just doesn't give off enough sexual energy to be taken seriously. Renee is just too goddamn old and weathered. I think it's nice that the producers picked a 47-year-old woman to be on the show -- and Renee seems down to earth and relatively low maintenance -- but she literally might keel over and die at any mome.

Now remember, just because it seems like Nikki and Renee have dried up apricot bushes, it does not mean that they're incapable of controlling a man. They could still easily fool Juan Pablo by revealing something nasty about themselves. Remember, Juan Pabs is a man, and men are the stupidest fucking people in the world, so all these women have to say to him is something like, "Hey, I like to wear panties that are four sizes too small because I like the way the fabric feels on my asshole," and then boom, they've locked themselves into Fantasy Suite opportunities. Ladies out there who are reading this, never forget that you too can rule this world if in fact you have a working female vagina.

Google Image Search: Bird eating funnel cake.

Still Around for Fantasy Suite Potential and Fantasy Suite Potential Only

5. Clare
4. Cassandra
3. Kat's Boobs

I think Clare would be a really good correspondent for the Today Show. I have no idea why, but I feel like it's the most accurate and astute observation I've ever made on this website. I also have no idea what the difference is between the words "accurate" and "astute." Yes I do, what I am talking about. God I need to just shut up sometimes. Anyway, Clare just has that undeniable blend of cuckooness and dumb makeup that would go great with Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbs. That being said, I totally understand why Juan Pabs is keeping her around, because she has the look of a woman who would have sex in a refrigerator.

Cassandra, she's a total snooze, but she's super tall and beautiful and from what I can tell does not have any lingering scars from her early pregnancy.

Kat's Boobs are pretty self explanatory. Also, the fact that her father was a raging alcoholic makes her boobs that much more enticing. Once again, no logic to back this up, but you know I'm right.

Baby Let Me Lick You Up and Down, 'Til You Sayyyy Stop

2. Sharleen the Opera Singer 

OKAY GIRLFRIEND. I see you with that "Lemme just slide my finger in your mouth before you taste my saliva," move. That's a veteran move. THAT'S A VETERAN MOVE. They do not teach that stuff in school Mrs. Science Educator! Yes, I know, her shoes last night were HORRIBLE, and she is way too smart and intellectual and deep and weird for Juan Pabs, but her Eastern Albanian kissing style was VERY arousing.

Sharleen might be the realest chick to ever appear on this show. (Remember, her favorite movie of all time is the Royal Tenenbaums.) Last night, she wasn't just feeding Juan Pabs some bullshit like the other girls. I can't stand that, the lame-o conversations they always have as they're cuddling under some dumb blanket ... "Ohhhh, there's no one I'd rather be here with than you." ... "This is so crazy. I can't believe this is happening." ... "I have a deep, dark fear of shoe horns." Shut up, we all do. No one wants that weird curved plastic rubbing up against their heels. But Sharleen kept it real, telling Juan Pabby that she may not be as prepared for motherhood as the other bitches. I cannot believe I am seriously discussing their relationship. Whatever, eventually I think she's gonna pull back big time after Clare sucks the cum out of Juan Pablo's cock.

Lock It and Load It, Folks. You Heard it Here First.

1. Andi

Nice hair, supes pretty, raspy voice, and she's going to look great tied up in Juan Pablo's attic. Her only downfall is that her last name is DORFMAN -- a recent finding that deserves its own blogpost -- but Andi Galavis sounds perfectly respectable. Also, sometimes a name is just a name.

Am I right Dr. Fish Zone?!?!

Racist!




Words words words words words words words words words words. Link to funny-looking animals. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

Downton Abbey: Week 4 Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce

#A14LYFE

HOLY GUACAMOLE. They did it again. Those bastards did it again. Can you believe what happened on Downton last night?!?!?!?!?

Okay. Calm down. Just calm down. Let's all get it together. Wow, though. Wow! Man, well now that it's Monday morning, and we've all gotten a chance to catch our breaths, Turbo Underscore Timmy and I are back to present this week's Downton Abbey PPPBA1SS.

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The Evster:  Yeah I didn't see Downton last night. My wife wanted to watch it, but I convinced her that we should watch the Grammys instead, which were fine, whatever, they were fine. Pharrell's hat was obviously dumb/amazing and I loved Ringo's dance moves, but you would think that an icon like Ringo -- whose whole life has revolved around movement and rhythm -- would be able to do more than just a side-to-side sway job. Still, he looked happy, and excited, and I like that song, so I'm gonna give this week's award to Mrs. Hughes.

Turbo:  Hey Ev! Boy it's great to be back for another Downton Abbey recap for the website TV My Wife Watches Because I am Making Her Watch it Even Though She Wants To Watch the Show I Am Supposed To Write A Recap For Tomorrow Dot Blogspot Dot Com. (Evster's note: got rid of the blogspot months ago!) So yeah, I didn't watch Downton Abbs either and instead opted for the Grams. The dude in Fun has the worst voice ever, Katy Perry had a unforgivable lack of cleavage and why was Pink suspended from ropes while singing? Kendrick Lamar PUT IT DOWN despite a bunch of white guys trying to corny-ify the whole performance. Also Steve Coogan is freakin hilarious and had some amazing lines and if you haven't seen the movie 24 Hour Party People then you are an idiot. I ACTUALLY THINK MRS. TVMWW TOLD ME ABOUT THAT MOVIE!!!

The Evster:  Dude, you didn't even give out an award.

Turbo:  It's obviously going to the Dowager Dutchess of Grantham did you even watch the episode last night?!?!

The Evster:  No. I already told you I didn't.

Turbo:  Oh, right. Let's just go with Mrs Hughes then.

The Evster:  Congratulations, Mrs. Hughes!


Supper just get a little bit suppier!

Previous Primetime Performers:

Week 1: Daisy
Week 2: I don't remember
Week 3: Richard Sherman

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Oscar Chat with Feddd & Sara Circs: Best Actresssssssssssssss

So sweaty.

Hey Tina Yothers fans, the Oscar nominations came out last week (or as I call them, the Ogg-Noms) so back again are TV My Wife Watches' Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and the other lady. This week, we've decided (read: I've decided) to make the post much shorter, because quite frankly I can't imagine any of you read our previous ramblings. (OMG THAT WAS A JK they were friggin' fantastic. Read the old ones here and here).

This week's topic: BEST ACTRESS -- shouldn't be a surprise really, it's written right up there in the title. Also I alluded to it with the whole "Tina Yothers" intro thing. Whatever, doesn't matter, let's get on with the Gchat, shall we?

We shall!

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me:  Hi dudes, today we're gonna talk about DA OSCARS, specifically the Best Actress category

Feddd:  oh, shit

okay

me:  do you know who's nominated?

wanna take a guess?

Sara:  jennifer lawrence?

meryl streep?

me:  OMG SLOW DOWN CIRCS


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor ep 3: Ranking the Erotica

"OMG Juan Pabs that's hilarious tell us again about the time
you took your sister to get an aborsh."

Throughout this stupid website's run, you've heard all sorts of reasons for why I watch The Bach: "It's absurd." "My wife watches it." "I have a 47-inch penis." Whatever. All true, but whatever. The main reason I watch (and why you tune in every Monday night too) is because we are all perverts. Hot, wet, disgusting perverts. This game show is nothing more than a glorified sex tank, and yet every week, we sit on our couches, eating our Sun Chips, and wait to see what happens when a bunch of women ovulate.

Some of the action is HAWT (you can't deny it) and some of it is just downright disgusting (but still kinda hot). So let's take a look back at Monday night's ep and rate just how erotic, or how gross, the action was.

As always, we will be using the standard Nørwegian Erøtic Sex Scale, with leather whips representing hotness and Billie Jean Kings representing grossness.

Sharleen Tongueing Juan Pabs - 5 leather whips


Probably the most consistently hot (but secretly disgusting) act on this show, there are few things more exciting than watching the cameras close in on two, wet, searching tongues. Last night, Sharleen rocketed up the TVMWW/USA Today Coaches Poll after she pressed her round, red, mouth over Juan Pabs', and proved to us all that she has in fact been with a man before. Obviously, she loses points for having her eyes closed (c'mon Sharleen, this is AMERICA), but it was still refreshing to see that she has BASIC WOMANLY NEEDS.


Cassandra Talking About Her Stupid Child - 9 Billie Jean Kings


Ugh Cassandra, you're so freaking hot and can clearly shake your rumproast, and yet on your one-on-one date you chose to show Juan Pabs a picture of your stupid kid? No one wants to see your son, lady. NO ONE. We want to see tongues. Did you not read the previous paragraph? The only thing worse that you could've done was show Juan Pabs your Facebook status when you asked, "CALLING ALL MOMMIES: Can you recommend a good (but relatively inexpensive) organic baby powder? Little Rodney has a rash in his asshole and he's been digging in all night! Thanks! :)"

No big deal, just photos of a pregnant Cassandra from all three tri-mesters!

Cassandra Stepping Out of her Romper, Revealing her Bikini Bottoms - 7 leather whips


Hats off to The Bachelor camera crew for focusing on Cassandra's delicate ankles as she stepped out of her red romper. (Evster's note: the only reason I know it's called a "romper" is because my wife mumbled "nice romper" when she came out for her date.) Regardless, it's such a simple and erotic move to let gravity take over and allow your stupid garment to fall to your feet. The subsequent action of stepping out of the outfit takes the eroticism to a whole new level. It doesn't hurt that Cassandra's 21-year-old bod is BADOONGLE-DOONGLED even though she shot a baby out of her vagina only a short time ago. Obviously, she has no chance to win this competish, but I appreciate her lack of c-section scars.


Chris Harrison's Two-tone Color Block Shirt - 5 Billie Jean Kings


Way to dry everything up, Harrison, showing up in the stupidest shirt I've ever seen. Also, can we get this guy a different hairstyle? He still does the exact same comb-everything-forward-and-then-flap-it-up-in the-front move that every fraternity dude was rockin' in Two Thousand Ought One.


Chicks Sitting Barefoot on the Couch Together - 27 leather whips


There is nothing -- AND I MEAN, NOTHING -- hotter than when the ladies are just hanging around the house barefoot, in their little short shorts, with their freshly shaved glistening legs propped up on the couch. I have never once actually listened to what they're saying in these scenarios, because I'm too busy watching their little toes twinkling. I also find it fascinating that women FACE EACH OTHER while talking, as if they're actually listening to what one another are talking about. The best is when there's like four or five ladies on one couch, which provides a better opportunity for them to touch and/or spit in each other's faces. If I were the Bach -- AND I UNDERSTAND THAT I NEVER WILL BE -- I would replace all Rose Ceremonies with Couch-emonies, where we would all just sit around and play footsie. I realize that Athlete's Foot is very itchy and very real, but it'd totally be worth it.

Google Image Search: "Sorority Chicks on Couch"

Sharleen's Crying - 7 Billie Jean Kings


Ugh, have these people NEVER watched this show before? WE KNOW that it's difficult to be around so many other women. WE KNOW this is not a normal situation to put yourself into. WE KNOW that anytime I start three consecutive sentences with "WE KNOW" that there's always gonna be a joke at the end. And yet without fail, there is ALWAYS a lady crying like an sap on the Bachelor's shoulder. Pretty nice job by Juan Pabs to pretend like he gave a shit -- going with the ole Venezuelan Back Rub/Push Her Hair Out of Her Face move -- but it was not surprising that he pulled back from kissing her as Sharleen snorfed back her tears and wiped away her snot.

(Also for the record, as a Grade A Certified Master Perv Machine, I do understand that sometimes it is SUPER HOT for a chick to be crying whilst kissing, but last night was not one of those times.)

Woman in the back-right-hand-corner has clearly never performed fellatio. 

Watching a Chick Get Blasted by a Soccer Ball - 6 leather whips


It's not so much the blasting that was hot, it was the combined whimpering and crumbling to the ground that revved up the eroto-meter. Last night, poor Sharleen kept getting wailed, to the point where I fully expected Juan Pabs to pop that champagne cork right into her eye after the game.

(Apologies to all of you Twitter dorks who already read that joke last night in your timeline. Also who cares.)


Dancing in Front of a Band That No One Has Ever Heard Of - 3 Billie Jean Kings


Speaking of Twitter dorkdom, last night when they first showed the band, I tweeted, "Rick Steeble and the Steeblemakers!" which I swore was gonna get like 400 retweets... and it got NOTHIN'. No response at all. Proving that all 977 of my followers are DUMB.

The Black Chick's Silk Robe - 1 leather whip
I appreciate the effort!


Dog Lady Covering Her Face So Juan Pabs Wouldn't See Her Without Makeup - 5 Billie Jean Kings


Can we all take a quick second to acknowledge how hilarious these pictures of Billie Jean King are?

Stole this pic from Zoo With Roy!

Kat's Wammers - 11 leather whips


Yo, they are honestly OUT OF CONTROL. Combine Kat's yams with her straddling Juan Pabs' face in da swimming pool???

GOOD.

NIGHT.





Want more Bachcap actsh? Check out Zoo With Roy for more more more. Or just take a look at the world's biggest taco. That's what I'd do. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Downton Abbey: Week 3 Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce

Tastes great on those Chinese fried noodle things!

Hey folks, Turbo Timmy and I are back for another edition of Downton Abbey's Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce. So grab your steaks, GRAB YOUR STEAK SAUCE, and let's get cookin! 
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The Evster:  Lotta fantastic performances Sunday night, but only one person can be named this week's TVMWW Primetime Performer (presented by A1® Steak Sauce). Edith and her arm bracelet certainly stepped up, knocking da boots with Mr. Whatshisface all night long. Edith may be the sorriest sister on the show, but now that Sybil is dead and Mary's husband is also dead, she's the only Grantham girl who is legitimately gettin' pounded on the regg. Still, she loses points for being scared that her aunt might tell Muh-ma. C'mon Edith! If you're gonna boink dudes, own it! Then there was the first ever black guy on Downton aka Jackie Robinson Jr. aka Sammy Davis Sr. who did a great job of having really white teeth. But neither of them compared to Mr. Handsomeface who hit dem with dat REAL TALK. Dude tells it like it is, "Matthew is dead and I am alive." TRUTH. Unfortunately, I can't give him this week's award, because last night's Primetime Performer was obviously Richard Sherman. 

I'M DA BEST BLOGGER IN DA GAME. WHEN YOU TRY ME WITH A SORRY FOOTMAN LIKE MR. BARROW, THAT'S THE RESULT YOU GONE GET. 

Turbo:  Omg a black guy on Downton Abbey! He was such a nice guy and valiantly rescued Rose from a drunk creep and yet the white folks were still player hatin as they pulled her away. But ya know what, Rose was giving Sammy Davis Sr. that "let's get freaky" look so I dont think we've seen the last of this guy. What do you think, Ev? ... Ev? ... Oh that's right you insisted we not do a back and forth on these things and that we keep these P.O.S. posts as short as possible.


The Evster:  Short and sweet, Turbo! Short and sweet!

Turbo:  In my opinion this week's TVMWW Primetime Performer (presented by A1® Steak Sauce) has gotta be head housekeeper Mrs. Hughes. She saved the house from an embarrassing scandal this week as she flushed out Edna Braithwaite's powerplay scheme to get preggo from a drunk Tom. Mrs. Hughes made this revelation after discovering a sex/pregnancy book found in Edna's room which would probably be a fascinating read.

The Evster: Sorry, Turbo. Richard Sherms is the winner. 

Turbo:  WHAT ABOUT THE DOGGIE DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT HE'S BEEN ABSENT FOR TWO EPISODES IN A ROW???

The Evster: DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT THE DOGGIE. DON'T YOU OPEN YO MOUF ABOUT DA BEST, OR I'M GONNA SHUT IT FOR YOU REAL QUICK. 

TVMWW!


Erin's using the award as her microphone. 
Award winners to date:

Week 1 - Daisy
Week 2 - Mr. Handsomeface
Week 3 - Richard Sherms

Thursday, January 16, 2014

OMG You Saw Whooooo?! Celebrity Sightings with Feddd and Sara Circs (including the time I met Method Man!)

Noooooooo belt?

The Oscars are only 46 days away (I counted!). So from now until then, every week we'll be checking in with TVMWW's Hollywood Correspondents, Jesse Feddds and Sara Circs, to hear what's goin' on in the Emerald City.

Last week, Feddd and Circs told us all about the big time celebrities they've recently seen out and about in Los Angeles. This week, they're doing the exact same thing because quite frankly that's all that they're good for.

ALSO FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE, this week I have color coded everyone's parts (Circs's idea). Circs in green because bitchez love money. Feddd tall, dark and blue. Me in pink (obviously).

But enough with all this jibber jabber!

Let's get to the Gchat!

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me: All right guys, who wants to start?

Sara: i think Feddd should go because i told like three stories last time

me: FEDDDER, WE'RE STARTING WITH YOU.

who'd you see this week?

AND DON'T LIE

Feddd: Okay, I won't

me: Thank you. 

Feddd: I saw Boris Yeltsin yesterday

me:  CIRCS, YOU'RE UP


The Stupidest Commercial You Will Ever See In Your Whole Stupid Life




Saw this commersh last night during Top Chef. I don't know who this Jake Miller dude is, but apparently he's a real person.

Watch it, it's fucking terrible.

I once got my hair cut at Supercuts and the chick almost chopped my ear off. There was blood everywhere. She did smell amazing though. Apparently this is what I'm putting on my blog these days.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Don Juan Pablo Coming to a Theatre Near You


Clockwise from top left: Don Juan Pablo, Donnie Darks, Don Johnson, Don Carmen, Maggie Gyls, Don Jon, and Dom DeLuise (RIP).

Shout out to Zoo With Roy who in no way helped me with this photoshop. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor Week 2: "Hey Girl Heyyyyyyyy"


Is this a snuff film?

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman 
who'd be mad at me for saying that." - Mitch Hedberg

Look, if there's one thing I've learned about the whole blogging game, it's that when you can't think of anything to write about, just slap down a bunch of quotes and go to work. As I'm typing this, it is midnight on Tuesday morning and I am way too tired to think of a running thread for this post, so instead, here are just a bunch of ridiculous quotes that were actually said -- by real, live, human people -- during Monday night's show.

"I'm good at taking pictures and I'm good at eating cheese." - The Dog Lady


Monday, January 13, 2014

Downton Abbey: Week 2's Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce

omg what kinda way is that to hold a fork?!

Evster's note: SPOILER ALERTZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Hey snotfaces, wipe the snot from your noses and throw a steak on the grill, because Turbo Timmy and I are back for another edition of the Downton Abbey Primetime Performer Award presented by A1® Steak Sauce!

If you missed last week's edition, you can see who we gave the first Primetime Performer award to here (also presented by A1® Steak Sauce).

Friday, January 10, 2014

Spotted! Hollywood Celeb Sightings from Feddd and Sara Circs

A crowd gathers waiting for Craig T. Nels.  

Hey everybodys, it’s award season in Hollywood, so you know what that means! … Not much. Not much at all. Pretty much no different from any other season. OMG YES IT IS. It means it’s time to call up our old pals, TVMWW’s Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs!

These two mofos live in LA, eat papayas on the reg and are TAPPED INTO the Hollywood scene. So seeing as the Golden Glorbs air this Sunday night, I decided to call an emergency TVMWW staff meeting (held over Gchat) to see what the hell’s been goin’ on in The City by the Bay.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Bachelor Week 1: The Good, The Bad and The Completely and Totally Unacceptable

There has never been a more miserable-looking woman
 than the black-haired chick in the upper left. 

All right, before we begin, before we start ranking lunatics and talking about massage oils and breaking down all of the wildlife featured in last night's ep (horses, goats AND a dog!), can you imagine having to be one of the limo drivers who had to shuttle those women to the mansion?! Just a normal guy, doing your job, wearing a hat, while a half a dozen hairless women scream their heads off in your backseat. I couldn't take it. I could not take it. I would drive my car right into the Pacific Ocean. Not because the ladies were so annoying, but because I'd be constantly checking my rearview mirror, spying on all the freshly-lathered women. Truly one of the most erotic car rides in the history of car rides, except for every one of my trips back from Hebrew school with Rachel Axelrod and her slut tank of a mother, Lori. I guarantee you that after dropping those girls off, every one of those limo drivers headed right to the nearest prostitution junction. What an incredible world that we live in. What an incredible world.

Okay, onto the show.

Monday, January 6, 2014

This Week's Downton Abbey Primetime Performer Presented by A1® Steak Sauce

Thank you to our generous sponsor. 

Hey all you hamburgers and cheeseburgers, welcome to a new weekly feature her at TV My Knife Cutches, The Downton Abbey Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Sauce. Every Monday, we'll be giving out a major award to the week's best player on Downton Abbs.

Joining us all season will be my good pal, Turbo Timmy, because he majored in British Literature at Leeds University and is the only other dude I know who watches this show. Turbo's insider knowledge of British culture combined with his ability to return my emails in a timely fashion will be a major asset to TVMWW.

But enough with all this jibber jabber! Let's give out this week's award!

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Saturday, January 4, 2014

The Bachelor Preview: Meet a Bunch of Really, Really, Really Skinny Women

HOLY FUCKING SHIT the Bach starts this Monday!

And of course, the good people at ABC, ESPN and Disney decided to air the premiere at the exact same time as the Florida State - Auburn BCS Championship game. Part of me is like, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?" and the other part of me is like, "IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THESE WHY I STARTED THIS BLOG IN THE FIRST PLACE," then the last part of me is like, "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT ALL-CAPS THING, DUDE? IT'S FRIGGIN' EXHAUSTING," and to that I say, "I know, and I'm sorry."

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

Let's meet da ladiezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!



Alexis

One of Alexis's top 3 all-time favorite movies is Titanic, that's enough to get her kicked off right there. But look closer, look a little bit closer, another one of her favorite movies is Home Alone 2. Not the first one, but the sequel. Not the one that you actually remember, but the one that no human being gives a shit about. What the hell even happens in the second one?!? I mean, I know what happens, essentially the same thing that happened in the first, but what is this lady trying to prove? Ugh, I can't stand her. Nice upper tit tho.

Verdict: Alexis will be sweet, Juan Pabs will be enamored, but he'll eventually dump her because of the whole Bible thing. Ain't nobody got time for that!



Alli

I once dated a nanny (who was also raised Catholic) and let me tell you, she was out of her fucking mind. Nice lady, decent taste in movies, but a complete and total lunatic.

One time when we were dating (and I use the term "dating" loosely ifyaknowwhatimean) my uncle died so I had to go home for the funeral. It was kind of a big deal, and I didn't really feel like dealing with shit, so I didn't call this girl back for a few days. Actually, now that I think about it, I might have called her back -- but that doesn't matter, that doesn't fucking matter -- what matters is that when I got back to my apartment around a week later, she had MAILED all of my shit back to me. Like, actually wrapped a package, took it to the post office and mailed it. We're talkin' my season 1 of The Office DVD, a stupid shirt I left at her place, a snapfish book I made for her that had a bunch of really cool high angle d shots. I was never able to patch things back up with her, but I did still continue to buy weed from her next-door neighbor.

Verdict: Let's be honest, this lady looks crazy. She'll be gone week 1.



Amy J

BOOM. This lady is easily my favorite (so far). Amy J is 31 years old, which means she knows how to jam dildos in her pussy, plus she's a massage therapist so you know she doesn't jam those dilds lightly. Favorite actress (Kate Winz) is a legitimately good actress, and she loves the Beatles, Bob Dyls and the Clippers?! This woman might be my goddamn soul mate. Obviously her titties could be bigger, but couldn't they all?

Verdict: She and Juan Pabs will have a connection strictly because they're both in their 30s, but he'll eventually dump her because he's an idiot.