Monday, December 2, 2013

Q&A with Myself about the Upcoming Bachelor Season

Check out your boy in the background with the mega lens on his camera.
NICE LENS, DUDE. TAKE A COUPLE SECRET SNAPPERS FOR ME, WHY DON'T YA.

EVSTER:  Despite the fact that you have not been blogging much lately, we still have A LOT to talk about.

EVSTER:  Okay, first of all, it was friggin' Thanksgiving last week, and second of all--

EVSTER:  Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, man, calm down. I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I'm just sayin' there haven't been many posts lately. That's all. And that's okay. It's fine. You're busy, I get it. 

EVSTER:  Thank you. 

EVSTER:  But the Bach is comin' up. You gotta be excited about that.

EVSTER:  Everyone keeps saying this to me. "So, are you so excited for the Bach? Are you just soooo excited?" No I'm not excited for the Bach. I'm not excited for anything. I'm 36 years old. The only thing I get excited about these days is having massive amounts of toilet paper in my house.

EVSTER: Yeah me too. 

EVSTER:  Like, how amazing is it to just open up your bathroom closet and see 36 rolls ready to be unraveled? There's no stress, no anxiety, just dozens and dozens and dozens of rolls. 

EVSTER:  Well, there's really only three dozen.

EVSTER:  Yeah, that's what I said. "Dozens and dozens and dozens of rolls." Three dozens. 

EVSTER:  Well, that's just you saying the word, "dozens" three times. Three dozens, with an "S", implies three multiple dozens, so that's at least six dozens. Probably even more dozens. People say "dozens" when there are so many dozens that they don't even wanna count how many dozens there actually are. 

EVSTER:  Either way, I've got three dozens. 

EVSTER:  Well, for now you do. But you don't have dozens and dozens and d--

EVSTER:  How is this an enjoyable conversation?

EVSTER:  Oh it's not. It's absolutely not. I'm just saying, 36 rolls is only three doze--

EVSTER:  Yeah I understand what you're saying, you dick. I'm just as good at math as you are. 

EVSTER:  Are you?

EVSTER:  Yes. 

EVSTER:  Are you though?

EVSTER:  Yes. 

EVSTER:  Ev?

EVSTER:  Can we just move on?

EVSTER:  Hey, it's your blog. 

Nice, right?


EVSTER:  Thank you. I guess deep down I am looking forward to the Bach. I mean, at the very least, this blog's readership will skyrocket from 16 readers to at least 20. 

EVSTER: Ugh, shut up, you know you get more readers than that. 

EVSTER: I totally do. 

[high five]

EVSTER: What's this thing about there being a pregnant chick on the show?

EVSTER:  There's no pregnant chick. On one of the promos, they show a lady get out of the limo rubbing her belly and pretending to be preggs, but she's not preggs. There's no way they'd put an actual pregnant chick on this stupid game show. 

EVSTER:  She looks pregnant, dude. 

EVSTER:  Well obviously she looks pregnant. That's the point. 

EVSTER:  What if she is though?

EVSTER:  She's not.

EVSTER:  But if she is?

EVSTER:  Then Juan Pabs has to have sex with her. On principle. 

EVSTER:  I mean, he basically would have to have sex with her. 

EVSTER:  It's like, if you're going to put a pregnant woman on this show, someone is going to have sex with her. 

EVSTER:  Chris Harrison's not going to have sex with her. 

EVSTER:  There's no way Chris Harrison is going to have sex with her. Chris Harrison has no idea how to have sex with a pregnant chick. 

EVSTER:  And you would think that if Juan Pabs has sex with her, the other ladies would have to understand, right? 

EVSTER:  They'd have to. 

EVSTER:  Any contestant who couldn't come to grips with him having sex with her, wouldn't be worth marrying anyway. 

EVSTER:  Totally agree.

EVSTER:  It'd be so emotional. 

EVSTER:  So emotional. You mean the sex, right?

EVSTER:  Yeah. 

EVSTER:  Right, For a second I just thought you were saying how the show would be emotional. 

EVSTER:  Oh no, the show would still be stupid. But the sex. 

EVSTER:  Emotional. 

EVSTER:  What's up with this Live Sound of Music show airing on Thursday night?

EVSTER:  Ugh, I have no idea. Dar mentioned it in the car the other day. 

EVSTER:  I mean, she has to watch it, right?

EVSTER:  She has to watch it. 

EVSTER:  Could be good fodder for the blog. 

EVSTER:  Better than whatever this was. 

EVSTER:  Are we done?

EVSTER:  Don't have to be. 

EVSTER:  Let's keep going!

Look at that giraffe in the bottom right!!!

EVSTER:  Did you know Juan Pabs was actually born in the United States?

EVSTER:  WHAAAA?!

EVSTER:  Yeah, Ithaca, New York.

EVSTER:  What a stupid place.

EVSTER:  It's actually quite nice there.

EVSTER:  Beautiful. 

EVSTER:  But he moved to Venezuela when he was 2. So I think that still makes him Venezuelan. 

EVSTER:  So he was raised in Venezuela?

EVSTER:  Why are you posing that as a question? You know the answer. 

EVSTER:  Yeah. So he is basically Venezuelan. That's cool. 

EVSTER:  I don't know if I've ever met anyone from Venezuela.

EVSTER:  Wilmer Valderrama. 

EVSTER:  Never met him. 

EVSTER:  Bobby Abreu. 

EVSTER:  Nope. 

EVSTER:  AndrĂ©s Galarraga!

EVSTER:  Why are you asking me this? You know the answers. And what do you think I just hang out in baseball locker rooms?

EVSTER:  Clubhouses, dude. 

EVSTER:  You're the most annoying person I've ever met. 

EVSTER:  Strange, 'cuz I kinda feel the same way about you.

EVSTER:  So what are we watching this week? Besides the Sound of Muze.

EVSTER:  Duke-Michigan on Tuesday night ...

EVSTER:  I mean what is Dar watching?

EVSTER:  Oh, I have no idea. They canceled her favorite show, The Mindy Proj. 

EVSTER:  They canceled it?!?

EVSTER:  Once again, you know this. 

EVSTER:  Well, they didn't actually cancel it. They just put it on hiatus. 

EVSTER:  Parks and Rec, too. 

EVSTER:  Ridiculous. 

EVSTER:  So we're watching Key and Peele all week?

EVSTER:  Looks like it. 

EVSTER:  Probably a little Housewives of Beverly Hills too. 

EVSTER:  That one lady has huge tits. 

EVSTER:  Which one?

EVSTER:  Wilmer Valderrama?

EVSTER:  Oh yeah. 

EVSTER:  She's hot

EVSTER:  Possibly 65 years old. 

EVSTER:  Still hot.

EVSTER:  Time to shut this down?

EVSTER:  Shut it down!

EVSTER:  TV My Wife Watches everybody!




Didn't really write much about the Bach there, did I? Oh well, it's a post, it's done, we had fun, and that's really what this is all about. Speaking of fun, how 'bout that Iron Bowl?!?! Here's a link to the crazy ending recreated on Tecmo Bowl. Check it out. Or read about this family that had a giraffe as a pet. That's obviously the better move. 

7 comments:

  1. Just so we're clear, that chick is definitely preggo, right?

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