Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Ultimate TVMWWMWMWWM Holiday Gift Guide

Jelly of the Month Club:
the gift that keeps on giving. 

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a coworker about what I should get my wife for Hanukkah and she suggested Apple TV. Now, even though this woman was just trying to help (and was kind enough to take my wife's love of television into considerashe), this was probably the dumbest gift advice I'd ever received. There is no heart to giving someone an Apple TV, no thought, it's just an expensive, stupid gadget that no human being would ever use. I'm not even sure what Apple TV is to be honest. It's probably amazing. I imagine it's much better than Comcast (then again, a friggin' grapefruit is better than Comcast), but if there's one thing I've learned in the past 10 years, it's that women have a massive collection of really nice underwear for everyday use and really ratty underwear for when they have their periods people like presents where you put SOME ACTUAL THOUGHT into it.

My friend Larbo once got his wife a shitty picture of the Golden Girls (probably cost $10), but the simple fact that he tracked it down, framed it, and got her something that was special to HER kept him out of the doghouse for a solid ten minutes. That's really all my goal is here, to keep my wife off my back for a solid ten spot.

So my little hamburgers and cheeseburgers, here are a bunch of really, really, really thoughtful and nice gifts to get your spouse this holiday seez.

(And yes Chosen People, I realize your stinkin' holiday is over. Calm down, it's not my fault you scheduled it in friggin' autumn.)


Footed Mug
$16 - UncommonGoods.com


Friday, December 6, 2013

Don't Sleep on da Motherfuckin Sound of Music!

I honestly thought all that praying was hot as fuck. 

I don't really have time today for a full-blooded super bonkers breakdown of last night's LIVE TELEVISION MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA, so here are some LIGHTNING QUICK HOT TAKES on the performance.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Q&A with Myself about the Upcoming Bachelor Season

Check out your boy in the background with the mega lens on his camera.
NICE LENS, DUDE. TAKE A COUPLE SECRET SNAPPERS FOR ME, WHY DON'T YA.

EVSTER:  Despite the fact that you have not been blogging much lately, we still have A LOT to talk about.

EVSTER:  Okay, first of all, it was friggin' Thanksgiving last week, and second of all--

EVSTER:  Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, man, calm down. I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I'm just sayin' there haven't been many posts lately. That's all. And that's okay. It's fine. You're busy, I get it. 

EVSTER:  Thank you. 

EVSTER:  But the Bach is comin' up. You gotta be excited about that.

EVSTER:  Everyone keeps saying this to me. "So, are you so excited for the Bach? Are you just soooo excited?" No I'm not excited for the Bach. I'm not excited for anything. I'm 36 years old. The only thing I get excited about these days is having massive amounts of toilet paper in my house.

EVSTER: Yeah me too. 

EVSTER:  Like, how amazing is it to just open up your bathroom closet and see 36 rolls ready to be unraveled? There's no stress, no anxiety, just dozens and dozens and dozens of rolls. 

EVSTER:  Well, there's really only three dozen.

EVSTER:  Yeah, that's what I said. "Dozens and dozens and dozens of rolls." Three dozens. 

EVSTER:  Well, that's just you saying the word, "dozens" three times. Three dozens, with an "S", implies three multiple dozens, so that's at least six dozens. Probably even more dozens. People say "dozens" when there are so many dozens that they don't even wanna count how many dozens there actually are. 

EVSTER:  Either way, I've got three dozens. 

EVSTER:  Well, for now you do. But you don't have dozens and dozens and d--

EVSTER:  How is this an enjoyable conversation?

EVSTER:  Oh it's not. It's absolutely not. I'm just saying, 36 rolls is only three doze--

EVSTER:  Yeah I understand what you're saying, you dick. I'm just as good at math as you are. 

EVSTER:  Are you?

EVSTER:  Yes. 

EVSTER:  Are you though?

EVSTER:  Yes. 

EVSTER:  Ev?

EVSTER:  Can we just move on?

EVSTER:  Hey, it's your blog. 

Nice, right?