|That's obviously a fake shoulder.|
David Blaine is going to kill us all.
We laugh and we joke about how incredible he is, and how fun it is to tweet during his little TV specials, but the truth is that this man is going to rip our hearts out of our bodies and control the world like the ruthless demon that he is. David Blaine is the devil. He's a total psychopath. He's also really, really, really good-looking and a pretty decent dresser.
OR IS THAT JUST WHAT THE NETWORK EXECS WANT US TO THINK?
The truth is that David Blaine is a stupid, human dickwad just like the rest of us. Just a dumb, brooding butthead, with piercing eyes and rippling arm muscles, while possessing the sexual energy of a young Teddy Roosevelt. He's super hot, but super human. And he can't fool me.
You might not know this about me, but I am also a magician. A SEX-UAL magician. I convinced an actual, human female to marry me and sleep in the same bed as me every single night. (Although to be fair, my wife kicked me out of bed the last three nights because I have a cold and have been snoring like a goddamn whale). Regardless, I can see through David Blaine's illusions. I get his tricks. I understand what he's doing. I also have "rewind" on my DVR that allowed me to figure out a bunch of his secret moves.
So BEHOLD, ladies and gentlemen, here are the UNTOLD TRUTHS behind David Blaine's "MAGIC".
|Whatever, Aaron Paul! It's obviously not flannel shirt season!|
Trick #1: The Ole Ice Pick Through the Hand Trick -- For this trick, David essentially takes an ice pick -- just your standard, everyday ice pick -- and jams it through his hand so that his skin stretches out and pokes through the other side.
The Secret: This is fucking real, dude. The guy is the fucking devil. No human can jam an ice pick through his skin and not scream like a banshee. This monster needs to be stopped. Is Batman real? Seriously, is Batman real? Can someone please call him? I am scared.
Trick #2: The Ole Alligator in the Pocketbook Trick -- Katy Perry was the victim this time, as David pulled a live alligator from inside of her pocketbook.
The Secret: Ugh, so obvious. Alligator in the pants. Everyone knows that every magician keeps an alligator in his pants. That's like Magic 101 people, stuff a live alligator into your pants, and then learn how to walk around like you don't have an alligator jammed in your pants. The real trick is preventing the alligator from eating your dick off while it's in your pants. I've watched a lot of alligator shows and those things are always trying to eat people's dicks off. In fact, if David had just walked up to Katy Perry like, "Okay, I'm gonna hold this alligator and keep it from eating your dick off," I woulda been like, "Yo, that's a good trick," but that's not what he did. He just pulled it out from his pants because he's an amateur. I also think it probably ate his dick off earlier in the show and ABC just didn't show that part.
|Nice beige walls.|
Trick #3: Trying to Convince America that Will and Jada Smith are Likable People -- Ugh, did you see how they were cuddling and holding each other while David was doing those card tricks? Disgusting. Absolutely fucking disgusting. And this was in front of their children! If my parents ever held hands or smiled at each other while I was growing up I would've barfed all over them and set fire to my face.
I actually remember my dad occasionally grabbing my mom's hand as she walked by the dinner table and saying, "Let me kiss your long thins," which stood for, "long, thin fingers," and oh my God I need to move onto the next paragraph immediately.
That trick David Blaine did on Jayden was pretty amazing though. Taking a photo of him with a deck of cards and then somehow changing the picture to reveal he was holding different cards. Seems crazy, but I know how he did it ...
The Secret: Fake child. That kid is obviously not real. No one would ever name their son, Jayden. What a stupid thing to name a person.
Quick segue about all those goddamn celebrities: I liked seeing the celeb's reactions, especially Harrison Ford and his tortellini tits, but how amazing/insufferable is it that they live such carefree lifestyles? Who gets to stay home while it's daylight?! Every one of them seemed to be having such a nice time with their stupid t-shirts and their perfectly straight teeth. The only ones I liked were Woody Allen and Ricky Gervais, because they clearly recognized that David Blaine is a demented cyborg who is going to destroy our planet.
Trick #4: The Ole Drinking Kerosene and Blowing it Out and Starting a Fire and Extinguishing that Fire with Your Own OMG This Is So Hard to Explain -- So essentially, the devil drank a whole tank of water and then stashed it in his stomach (a trick he learned from a Liberian who was SO MUCH BETTER at it). Then he drank some kerosene and kept that in his stomach too (on top of the water), and then he spit the kerosene onto a fire, causing a major flame-job, and then he regurgitated the water and extinguished the flames with his own spit-cannon.
The Secret: Blowtorch up the sleeve. Clearly he was carrying a handheld blowtorch (available at SkyMall for $49.99) and just shot flames while pretending to spit kerosene. Then he made himself barf, but he hadn't eaten anything all day, just water, so he barfed up only water. Even though I just made this up now, and literally gave it zero thought, I seriously, seriously, seriously think this is what he did. I have never, ever, ever been more certain about anything or felt smarter about my own intellect in my entire life. I'm definitely doing this trick next week at Hannukah dinner. I'm gonna burn my fucking house down. Can someone please lend me $49.99?
Back to that Liberian dude. He actually taught himself how to store water in his belly because water is so sparse in Africa. I mean, you never know when you're gonna have to kill a giraffe and wash your hands. I have no jokes about this guy or commentary on this scenario. It was mind-boggling. I want to see more of Mr. Hose Mouth.
Trick #5: The Ole Eating a Piece of a Dollar Bill and Then Spitting it Back Together -- Honestly this dude is incredible. Does he have sex with every woman he meets? I really hope he does. Anything short of having sex with every woman in the world would be a total, total failure for this guy. I seriously think he's the 2nd greatest entertainer of our lifetime (behind only Bette Midler).
For his next special, I'd like to see David sitting in front of a television watching Too Cute: Kittens while trying not to say, out loud, "Oh that's too cute. That's just too cute."
Now that would be something, DAVID.
Dog, did you read my latest jawn for The 700 Level? Are you reading those? You should be reading those. It was all about my shitty experiences at the Wells Fargo Center. God that doesn't sound very interesting at all, but it is! So go read it! Oh, whatever, or just look at this giant bowl of apple snauce.