Wednesday, November 20, 2013

David Blaine's Secrets REVEALED

That's obviously a fake shoulder. 

David Blaine is going to kill us all.

We laugh and we joke about how incredible he is, and how fun it is to tweet during his little TV specials, but the truth is that this man is going to rip our hearts out of our bodies and control the world like the ruthless demon that he is. David Blaine is the devil. He's a total psychopath. He's also really, really, really good-looking and a pretty decent dresser.


The truth is that David Blaine is a stupid, human dickwad just like the rest of us. Just a dumb, brooding butthead, with piercing eyes and rippling arm muscles, while possessing the sexual energy of a young Teddy Roosevelt. He's super hot, but super human. And he can't fool me.

You might not know this about me, but I am also a magician. A SEX-UAL magician. I convinced an actual, human female to marry me and sleep in the same bed as me every single night. (Although to be fair, my wife kicked me out of bed the last three nights because I have a cold and have been snoring like a goddamn whale). Regardless, I can see through David Blaine's illusions. I get his tricks. I understand what he's doing. I also have "rewind" on my DVR that allowed me to figure out a bunch of his secret moves.

So BEHOLD, ladies and gentlemen, here are the UNTOLD TRUTHS behind David Blaine's "MAGIC".

Whatever, Aaron Paul! It's obviously not flannel shirt season!

Trick #1: The Ole Ice Pick Through the Hand Trick -- For this trick, David essentially takes an ice pick -- just your standard, everyday ice pick -- and jams it through his hand so that his skin stretches out and pokes through the other side.

The Secret: This is fucking real, dude. The guy is the fucking devil. No human can jam an ice pick through his skin and not scream like a banshee. This monster needs to be stopped. Is Batman real? Seriously, is Batman real? Can someone please call him? I am scared.

Trick #2: The Ole Alligator in the Pocketbook Trick -- Katy Perry was the victim this time, as David pulled a live alligator from inside of her pocketbook.

The Secret: Ugh, so obvious. Alligator in the pants. Everyone knows that every magician keeps an alligator in his pants. That's like Magic 101 people, stuff a live alligator into your pants, and then learn how to walk around like you don't have an alligator jammed in your pants. The real trick is preventing the alligator from eating your dick off while it's in your pants. I've watched a lot of alligator shows and those things are always trying to eat people's dicks off. In fact, if David had just walked up to Katy Perry like, "Okay, I'm gonna hold this alligator and keep it from eating your dick off," I woulda been like, "Yo, that's a good trick," but that's not what he did. He just pulled it out from his pants because he's an amateur. I also think it probably ate his dick off earlier in the show and ABC just didn't show that part.

Nice beige walls. 

Trick #3: Trying to Convince America that Will and Jada Smith are Likable People -- Ugh, did you see how they were cuddling and holding each other while David was doing those card tricks? Disgusting. Absolutely fucking disgusting. And this was in front of their children! If my parents ever held hands or smiled at each other while I was growing up I would've barfed all over them and set fire to my face.

I actually remember my dad occasionally grabbing my mom's hand as she walked by the dinner table and saying, "Let me kiss your long thins," which stood for, "long, thin fingers," and oh my God I need to move onto the next paragraph immediately.

That trick David Blaine did on Jayden was pretty amazing though. Taking a photo of him with a deck of cards and then somehow changing the picture to reveal he was holding different cards. Seems crazy, but I know how he did it ...

The Secret: Fake child. That kid is obviously not real. No one would ever name their son, Jayden. What a stupid thing to name a person.

Quick segue about all those goddamn celebrities: I liked seeing the celeb's reactions, especially Harrison Ford and his tortellini tits, but how amazing/insufferable is it that they live such carefree lifestyles? Who gets to stay home while it's daylight?! Every one of them seemed to be having such a nice time with their stupid t-shirts and their perfectly straight teeth. The only ones I liked were Woody Allen and Ricky Gervais, because they clearly recognized that David Blaine is a demented cyborg who is going to destroy our planet.

Trick #4: The Ole Drinking Kerosene and Blowing it Out and Starting a Fire and Extinguishing that Fire with Your Own OMG This Is So Hard to Explain -- So essentially, the devil drank a whole tank of water and then stashed it in his stomach (a trick he learned from a Liberian who was SO MUCH BETTER at it). Then he drank some kerosene and kept that in his stomach too (on top of the water), and then he spit the kerosene onto a fire, causing a major flame-job, and then he regurgitated the water and extinguished the flames with his own spit-cannon.

The Secret: Blowtorch up the sleeve. Clearly he was carrying a handheld blowtorch (available at SkyMall for $49.99) and just shot flames while pretending to spit kerosene. Then he made himself barf, but he hadn't eaten anything all day, just water, so he barfed up only water. Even though I just made this up now, and literally gave it zero thought, I seriously, seriously, seriously think this is what he did. I have never, ever, ever been more certain about anything or felt smarter about my own intellect in my entire life. I'm definitely doing this trick next week at Hannukah dinner. I'm gonna burn my fucking house down. Can someone please lend me $49.99?

Back to that Liberian dude. He actually taught himself how to store water in his belly because water is so sparse in Africa. I mean, you never know when you're gonna have to kill a giraffe and wash your hands. I have no jokes about this guy or commentary on this scenario. It was mind-boggling. I want to see more of Mr. Hose Mouth.

Trick #5: The Ole Eating a Piece of a Dollar Bill and Then Spitting it Back Together -- Honestly this dude is incredible. Does he have sex with every woman he meets? I really hope he does. Anything short of having sex with every woman in the world would be a total, total failure for this guy. I seriously think he's the 2nd greatest entertainer of our lifetime (behind only Bette Midler).

For his next special, I'd like to see David sitting in front of a television watching Too Cute: Kittens while trying not to say, out loud, "Oh that's too cute. That's just too cute."

Now that would be something, DAVID.

Dog, did you read my latest jawn for The 700 Level? Are you reading those? You should be reading those. It was all about my shitty experiences at the Wells Fargo Center. God that doesn't sound very interesting at all, but it is! So go read it! Oh, whatever, or just look at this giant bowl of apple snauce

Monday, November 18, 2013

Prepare to Barf All Over Yourself: David Blaine Has a New Special Airing Tuesday Night on ABC

It's true, the devil himself, David Blaine is coming back to primetime television.

This Tuesday night on ABC, Blaine will be performing a handful of his voodoo devil magic tricks on celebrities like Jamie Foxx, Woody Allen, Ricky Gervais, Aaron Paul and Charlie Villanueva. Although Blaine and ABC are keeping details of David Blaine: Real or Magic close to the vest, TVMWW was able to obtain these exclusive photos of him doing a magic trick on pop icon, Katy Perry.

Hey Katy, I'm David.

Watch this.

Keep your eyes on my jacket.

It's leather.

100% leather.

Are you still looking at my jacket?

Make sure you keep your eyes on my jacket.

It's a very nice jacket.

Now watch ...


Blaine's special airs this Tuesday night on ABC at 9:30pm. You should watch it 'cuz it's gonna be amazing and I'm obviously gonna blog about it. Or don't, who cares. I'm sure there's other cool stuff to watch instead.


Thursday, November 14, 2013

Mariah Carey Blows Her Fans' Tits Off on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yo, check out this video of my favorite woman in the world surprising her fans and blowing their minds on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. It's totally worth watching and my girl looks better than ever and omg enough with the blibber blabber, Evster, just press plizzay!!!

Shout out to @rawhouse for telling me about the video even though he is currently banned from this website. Also shout out to Mariah's titties. (And to her leather gloves, and her leather pants, and her overall golden goddess demeanor.)

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The Top 5 Things Worth Discussing About the Miss Universe Pageant

Look at Miss Universe grabbin' her titty! 

Pretty much the same thing happens every year during the Miss Universe pagj: a bunch of skinny chicks walk around showing off their super white teeth while I feverishly scan for the cheapest flights to Bulgaria. My favorite ladies are always from the cocaine-laden countries: Bolivia, Colombia, Nicaragua, as well as any woman (or cow) representing the glorious nation of Kazakhstan. This year, Miss Venezuela won the crown even though her breasts weren't nearly as big as Miss Brazil's. Still, it was an extremely enjoyable event to watch, mostly because I did so while hopped-up on narcotics.

Here's some other stuff worth discussing:

The Super Good-looking Male Host was a Total Bozo

That's a Spice Girl on the right by the way.
For reals. 

I didn't catch the fella's name -- Todd, or Michael, or Glarv or something -- but after introducing the opening act, Glarv gave a special shout out to the people of the Phillipines who were devastated by Typhoon Haiyan:

"Before we start, I'd just like to dedicate the show to our good friends in the Philippines as they're currently experiencing some really terrible weather."

Really terrible weather. Really terrible weather! This nimrod actually said -- ON NATIONAL TELEVISION -- that they were experiencing "some really terrible weather."

Now let's send it over to our Filipino weatherman, Chieko Pagiou, for the five-day forecast. Chieko?

"Thanks, Chip. Some really terrible weather coming through this weekend, winds coming in from the Southeast at 4 billion miles per hour. Look for some houses to be obliterated and maybe even our entire country to be wiped off the map. Tomorrow, more of the same, with bodies piling up and people freaking the fuck out. By Monday and Tuesday we can expect some rays of sunshine though, which should help us find some of the missing children. Wednesday and Thursday should be back to a miserable shit show, with a light rain and everyone in the Western Hemisphere forgetting about us. Back to you, Chip."

"Prolly shouldn't take the boat out then, ey Chieko?"

"Not unless you want to help us find floating bodies."

"Hahahahaha. No way. Not me. Never. Never. Now let's send it over to Jennifer Villagas for her investigative report on Imelda Marcos and her freshly shaved butt. Jennifer?"

"Thanks, Chip ..."

Apparently There is a Country Called "Mauritius"?

It's true. Mauritius is an island nation located in the Indian Ocean, about 1,200 miles off the coast of Africa. It's also the (former) home of the Dodo bird. Don't ever say TVMWW never taught you nothin!

Miss Israel was Black, Miss Jamaica was White and Miss Sri Lanka was named "Amanda"

I don't know what the fuck is going on in this world.

Check Out This Judge, Russian Pop Star Philip Kirkorov

What the fox say?!

This guy is unbelievable. According to Wikipeeds, Philip is a total lunatic who has had numerous brushes with the law and really, seriously combs his hair like that. Here is my favorite nugget of information that I found out about him:

On December 4, 2010, Kirkorov allegedly slapped a female assistant because he was unhappy with the lighting at a concert venue. The woman, later identified as Marina Yablokova, threatened to sue Kirkorov. As a result, Kirkorov fled to Israel and had himself entered into a psychiatric hospital. On December 7, 2010, the singer publicly admitted that he had psychological problems.

Unfortunately, Philip was mostly silent during the pageant, but did get to ask Miss Ecuador a question during the final round. He asked her, "Do you think this world be able to survive without the internet?"

Instead of being like, "Yeah, dude, are you fucking kidding me? We survived for like 50,000 years without the internet. It's not like it's fucking food or water," Miss Ecuador spewed some bullshit like, "Computers unfortunately take away from valuable family time and should only be used for positive influence." After that, I eliminated Miss Ecuador from my top 5 (and then realized that none of the other contestants' tits even came close to hers, so I put her back in the mix).

Miss Philippines Totally Shoulda Won (and I'm Not Just Saying that Because Her Country is Currently Filled with Floating Dead People)

Her hair was really, really, really clean. And while her boobs weren't nearly as big as Miss Ecuador's, I genuinely liked her and thought she was beautiful.

Also beautiful?

Real person!

Yo, last week marked the 20th anniversary of Wu Tang's debut album, Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers). Here's an interview of RZA courtesy of Grantland where he talks about their new album and how he's having a hard time getting Raekwon and the GZA to commit time and energy to the project. Also, here's a cool oral history from Spin magazine about what it was like to put the first album together. Also also, here's a link to the dumbest Twitter account in the history of Twitter and one that you should absolutely be following, no ifs, ands or butts.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Are Youze Guyz Aware That You Can Find my Shit on Other Sites?


A friend of mine told me this week I was "really slacking" on the ole TV Me Wurf Welpchez and I was like, "I'VE BEEN BUSY BLOGGING ON OTHER BLOGS," and she was like, "Really?" and I was like, "YEAH," and she was like, "What blogs?" and I was like, "UGH, DO YOU REALLY NOT KNOW?" and she was like, "No," and I was like, "YOU GOTTA GET ON TWITTER," and she was like, "I'm not getting on Twitter," and I was like, "C'MON MAN," and she was like, "So what blogs?" and I was like, "THE 700 LEVEL AND ZOO WITH ROY," and she was like, "What?" and I was like, "THEY'RE PHILADELPHIA SPRORTS BROGS" and she was like, "Oh," and I was like, "YOU GOTTA CHECK 'EM OUT," and she was like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna check 'em out," and I was like, "THEN WHY DID YOU ASK?" and she was like, "Why are you shouting?" and I was like, "THAT'S KINDA MY THING," and she was like, "Well it's friggin' annoying," and I was like, "I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT," and she was like, "Well can you stop?" and I was like, "Sure," and she was like, "Thank you," and I was like, "You're welcs," and then we went and got bagels.

So just so we're all on the same page here, along with TVMWW, I also write a weekly sports column for The 700 Level (that comes out every Friday). You can find links to all of my articles here.

I also collaborate on Eagles Report Cards with Zoo With Roy (and some other people) every Monday after Eagles games. You can read all of this season's Report Cards here. Also, yesterday Zoo With Roy and I wrote this jawn ranking the best athletes in Philadelphia sports history named Armen.

If you've been keeping track of all of my blogging endeavors, thank you. And if you haven't, following me on Twitski is by far the best way to stay up to date on all things TVMWMWMWMWMW. So follow me here. Also, if you want to pay me to blog on your blog (or pay me to do anything) I will seriously do whatever you want for a very small amount of American currency. Thank you and have a blessed day.


Monday, November 4, 2013

Look At This Asshole's Halloween Costume

Click on da photo to make it biggerrrrrrr.

So this dude I work with, RJ, showed up to our company Halloween party dressed as my blog.

Even though it was clearly an amazing costume, no one knew what to make of it. The most commonly overheard conversation of the evening was, "What are you, RJ? A computer?" ... "Well yeah, but I'm also Evan's blog." ... "Cool. [pause] Evan has a blog?" ... [face palm]

If you look closely at the costume, there is actually a cut out on the righthand side that says, "Live Twitter Feed" and RJ had his phone taped to the other side, cued up to my Twitter page.

He also typed "dudes asses" into the Google search bar.

RJ is 27 years old.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Bachelor Photo Exclusive: Juan Pablo Dips and Doinks in Turks & Cakes!!!

Bold move to go with a Koy Detmer neck beard. 


Through ways I am not willing to discuss on this here website, your favorite blogger was able to obtain exclusive pictures of future Bach, Juan Pablo, taken during his recent trip to Turks and Caicos.

Even though I cannot reveal my sources, I can state for the record that these pictures are very real and very exclusive. I can also state for the record that as of 30 seconds ago I thought Turks and Caicos was one word, spelled "Turksenkaikos."

Here's Juan Pabber relaxing in his hotel room with an unidentified acquaintance. Now while Juan Pabs' contract does not stipulate that he remain single before the filming of the show, one has to question his commitment to the entire Bachelor process. As of the publishing of this article, Juan Pabs could not be reached for comment. Also I did not attempt to reach Juan Pabs for comment.

Later that morning, Juan Pabs took his adorable little nips for a dip in the pool. Look how round they are. Like two perfectly sliced jalapeƱos.

At night, the future Bach hit the clubs with his homies while making the bold choice to tuck his shirt in despite not wearing a belt. In case you're counting at home, the picture above includes three hoodies, two jean jackets and one horse.

"He was really, really nice," said the woman on the left who clearly loves doing cocaine. "His friend was a little aggressive, but also really nice. I fucked them both."

This is a website that you actually visit.