On warm, brisk Saturday afternoons -- wait, can an afternoon be both warm and brisk? It sorta can, right? I mean, sunny and brisk. It can definitely be sunny and brisk. Or sunny with a chill in the air. That's all I meant. You know what I meant. I was just trying to describe one of those slightly chilly, yet sunny and amazing fall afternoons where you put on your favorite hoodie and grab a cup of coff and WHY AM I STILL EXPLAINING MYSELF? On days like that there are a few acceptable ways for a person to spend his or her fall afternoon:
1. Rake leaves and throw your back out
2. Kill yourself
3. Go apple picking
If you're a white person, then I'm guessing that you're already quite familiar with apple picking and everything that goes along with it, so you can skip the next paragraph.
If you're a person of color, THANK YOU FOR READING. I long for your people's acceptance and companionship. Back in the day, I used to play basketball and smoke blunts and watch pay-per-view boxing matches with you, but now as an aging, married white person, my life consists of nothing but going to dinner parties and lying on my blog about going to dinner parties. So "what the hell is apple picking" you may ask. Well, basically, there are a bunch of orchards all over the country that open up their farms during the autumn months and let you pick fresh apples right off their trees. It's not really that exciting, but it's a fine way to spend a day out in the country, away from your stupid neighbors and their annoying children who think it's cute to write "Princess Evan's Parking Spot" in your driveway when you've told them time and time again that you are not a princess! If you're not a big fan of apples or don't know anyone who will bake an apple pie for you, I can see how this wouldn't sound too exciting, but there are actually many things about apple picking that make it a worthwhile fall activity.
Behold, the top 7:
1. Apple Cider Donuts
Last week, I secretly bought six creme-filled donuts from some Amish lady at a farmers' market and was scared to bring them home for fear that my wife would divorce me. In this day and age, it is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE to purchase, eat, or simply bring that many donuts inside your house. Instead, I kept them under my desk at work for secret snacking. But after we went apple picking, my wife was totally fine with me buying EIGHTEEN apple cider donuts. For some reason, apple cider donuts are a totally acceptable form of donut. No idea why. Maybe it's because it simply has the word apple in it? Or because it's made on a farm? Either way, this is something that you NEED to take advantage of. Also, have you noticed that Amish people totally have cellphones these days? How is this possible? I thought they were anti-electricity. Can someone please explain this to me? (Rhetorical questch. Don't bother explaining it to me because I'm not going to pay attention.)
2. Road Trip!
Roll down the windows, smell the sweet country air and get ready to see some cows! Apple orchards are always located near cows. I saw like 12 cows last weekend which was way more cows that I'd seen in a long time. When's the last time you saw 12 cows? EXACTLY.
3. You Get to Climb Ladders
At most orchards -- at least the dope ones -- there are a bunch of ladders sprinkled around the farm so you can climb up and reach the apples at the very tops of trees. Now normally I am against climbing, or any activity that involves having to do anything, but it is exhilarating to climb up a wooden death trap in order to rip fruit from a tree. Also, great angles of women's boobs from up there. I saw one Peruvian lady who HAD TO BE a milkmaid. Had to be.
|Speaking of milkmaids.|
4. Eat Stuff While You Do Stuff
It's incredible, at orchards they let you just rip the apples off the tree and then sample them right then and there. No stigma attached like trying an olive at the supermarket. No nervousness like at the salad bar when someone might see you eat a cherry tomato without weighing your salad first. Just rip it off, shove it in your mouth, and taste the deliciousness of nature. Or throw your apple at a snotnosed kid. Which brings us to ...
5. Great Form of Contraception
|I will buy anything in a mason jar.|
6. Apple Cider Like a Muhhgggg
When you're all done picking, make sure to stop at the farm store and grab the biggest fucking jug of apple cider you can find. In fact, grab like 12 of them, because in just a few days you're gonna wish you bought more. That stuff is friggin' dynamite and way better than that Ziegler's shit you get at the supermarket (no disrespect to Ziggy Ziegler who I'm sure is a fine man with a giant cock, but fresh apple cider right from the farmer's tit is unstoppable).
Also make sure to pick up a bunch of little apple butters and jams and jellies that come in those cute little jars, that you'll never use, but will be super excited to have. I also bought a wooden spoon with a bunny on it, because I like bunnies (and frankly needed a wooden spoon).
7. It Beats an Afternoon at the Pottery Barn
Yo fuck that place.
***SPECIAL BONUS SECTION FOR ALL MY TRUE HUSTLAS OUT THERE***
Philadelphia folks, here is an Evster-approved itinerary for the ultimate apple picking excursion:
Go apple picking here:
3325 Creamery Rd
New Hope, PA 18938
Not too big and commercial like some of the other shit shows around (I'm lookin' at you, Linvilla). A perfectly nice spot with good apples, good donuts and wooden bunny spoons.
Grab sandwiches at:
Lumberville General Store
3741 River Road
Lumberville, PA 18933
A throwback joint with dope sandwiches and Jamaican Jerk potato chips. Eat outside on a bench and have the neighbor's dog come lick your feet. Also they have a post office IN THE STORE so you can buy stamps or send a post card to everyone you know telling them you're better than them because you know out-of-the-way places that make dope sandwiches.
Take a stroll by the river and make your wife happy by stopping at:
62 Trenton Ave
Frenchtown, NJ 08825
Just across the Delaware Riv is an arts and crafts / antique type store (GOTTA KEEP THE WOMAN HAPPY, KNAAMEAN?) owned by that lady who wrote Eat. Pray. Love. Apparently she travels around the world collecting interesting shit and then brings it to her warehouse to sell. They also offer free fresh popped popcorn to eat when walking around the store, which is nice (and they also have perfectly nice bathrooms).
Get a burger (or two) at:
4010 Durham Rd
Ottsville, PA 18942
THIS IS MY SPOT. It's an organic, locally-killed burger joint owned by a 20-year-old dude who has done way more in his life than you'll ever do. Great burgs, dope fries, fresh ingredients, the ill nana.
Enjoy ice cream right from a cow's butt:
4105 Durham Rd
Ottsville, PA 18942
Right up the street from Moo is the OwowCow Creamery and some of the best ice cream I've ever had. Apparently it's owned by some old-ass dude from New York who moved here because he fucking loves ice cream. (Also, I'm currrently on steroids which might explain why I was able to eat so much last Saturday.)
YO THIS IS A GOOD ITINERARY.