Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Evster's Guide to Dope TV Shows this #GourdSeason

If ya don't know, now ya know, Morgannnnnn.

Now that Breaking Bad is over and The Bach doesn't return 'til January, your life is completely meaningless. Sure, you could put the remote down and take up a hobby (possibly join a bowling league? or start a blog?), but let's not be ridiculous. Life's too short to actually do stuff. That's how people die.

I read an article last week about some guy who tried to climb a mountain and got eaten by a wolf. That's just stupid. No human being should ever climb a mountain, because that's where wolves live and wolves eat people. I'm not even talking about werewolves, I'm talking about wolves wolves. Sure, they look super cute, but they eat people's faces off. That's why I stay indoors at all times. Also I'm very fair-skinned and prone to mosquito bites. One day I'm going to die from cancer. So are you. Stay on your couch.

So seeing that you are lost and sad and have no ability to make decisions on your own, I have compiled the definitive TVMWW guide to #GourdSeason television. Follow this schedule over the next few months and you can finally taste the sweet nectar of happiness. Remember: TELEVISION IS FUN AND LIFE IS STUPID. That's a fact. That's just a medical fact. Honestly, thank you so much for reading my blog. I really appreciate it.

Somehow his skinny tie looks so much skinnier than other skinny ties. 

Sunday: Eastbound and Down, Hello Ladies

If you're all caught up on Homeland or Boardwalk Empire, then great, knock yourselves out and watch that stuff, but honestly what is wrong with you? How do you watch so much television? I am a rising internet superstar with a blog dedicated to television and even I can't keep up with more than one actual TV show at any given time. My wife and I started watching Homeland six months ago and are still on the Episode 3. It's a good show, don't get me wrong, and I love watching Clare Danes get ABSOLUTELY DING-DONGED, but there's just too many other shows to watch. Duck Dynasty is on all the time and doesn't require you to pay nearly as close attention. Plus there's this new Duck Dynasty beard ap that lets you paste beards onto pictures of your wife and send them to your entire fantasy football league. You wanna know why I haven't been blogging much lately? It's because of the Duck Dynasty beard ap. Also I've been writing for two other VERY POPULAR Philadelphia sports blogs because literally no one reads this garbage. Except for you, that is. Except for you. And for that, I am truly, truly grateful.

Back to Sunday evenings: a night when you've just finished watching six hours of football and your wife's ready to file for divorce. Come 7:30ish, you gotta give up the remote. You have to. It's a simple part of marriage called "compromise". It's the fucking worst. It's seriously the fucking worst. But it's part of life. And it's okay, because I got you, bro. I GOT YOU.

After watching the "every touchdown from every game" montage on NFL Redzone, do your own thing. Take a shower. Trim your beard. Get yourself together for God's sake you are such a disgusting, lazy slob. This time away from the TV will give your wife some much needed alone time so that she can talk on the phone or watch her own stuff or most importantly START TO MISS YOU. I don't get it either, but leave a woman alone for more than fifteen minutes and they genuinely start to miss their spouse. And my wife hates my guts! That's the amazing part! And yet still, when I go off for a few hours, by the time I come back, she's exchanging Duck Dynasty beard pics with pretty much every dude on the internet ready to snuggle up and watch whatever I want to watch.

HBO's Sundee lineup is unstoppable. Eastbound and Down is amazing. You know that. You have to know that. Stevie Janowski. If you don't know about Stevie, then just go. Just get out of here. I don't want you reading this blog anymore OMG JUST KIDDING PLEASE STAY. I MISS YOU ALREADY. TAKE MY REMOTE AND PLEASE STAY WITH ME. I NEED YOU. I NEEEEEEDDDD YOUUUUUUU.

Hello Ladies is a new show from Stephen Merchant, one half of the Ricky Gervais/Stephen Merchant combo platter (The Office, Extras, Life's Too Short omg if you don't know that than just go! jk again!). The show revolves around the gangly 6'5" Merchant as he runs around LA stumbling and bumbling and trying to date anyone and everyone. It's absolutely brilliant and by far my favourite show TV (besides Shaqtin' a Fool, which I'll get to later).

Get her, Elvin.

Monday: Dancing with the Stars, Monday Night Football, Antiques Roadshow

Please don't roll your eyes, okay? Just don't. It's a good show, it's fun, it's exciting, there's dancing, there's hot chicks, and it's got just the right amount of mandatory commercial breaks that allow you to flip over to Monday Night Football without too much resistance. Plus, it's an opportunity for you and your wife to watch something together and maybe even TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR ONCE. My wife and I bond over DWTS (yeah I used the abbreviashe) all the time. We high-five whenever Bruno jumps out of his seat. (Spoiler alert: it happens all the time. The guy is a total spaz. He literally cannot stay seated.) We also like to rate on a scale of 1 to Teenage Boy just how horny Carrie Anne Inaba seems. Last night she was Wayne from The Wonder Years!

The best dancers so far this season have been Elvin from The Cosby Show (who I've written about) and Elizabeth Berkley, star of the weirdest movie in the history of movies, Showgirls. Have you seen that shit? I saw it recently for the first time and it totally blew my mind. Besides all the tits and vagj (yo, there's so much tits and vagj), there's a dude who punches a chick in the face, a dude who drives a Cadillac through a wall, and I honestly don't remember one thing about that movie other than all the tits and vagj. I'm talking legit vagj, too. Like four of 'em.

Valerie Harper got eliminated last week, which was unfortunate -- not because she was a good dancer, but because she had TERMINAL BRAIN CANCER. I kid you not. Terminal brain cancer. This woman was given three months to live and she decided to go on Dancing with the Stars as her last hurrah. If I was given three months to live, I would climb a mountain, try to pet a wolf and then kill myself.

Also Antiques Roadshow is the most amazing and boring show ever.

Messed up that the black lady's not in this pic. 

Tuesday: Brooklyn Nine Nine, The Mindy Project

Every Tuesday night I play basketball with a bunch of Jewish people. It's not fun, I don't know why I do it, and it's not like we even really play basketball, we just sorta jog up and down the court and complain about how our lungs and going to explode out of our chests. The only part of the game that I actually enjoy is the end, when we all sit around and take off our shoes and share secret snappers with each other. Here's one that I took last week of a chick walking by Reading Terminal Market.

This has to be illegal, right?

When I get home from ball, my wife's always watching The Mindy Project (possibly her favorite show) and it's actually really, really, really funny. The dialogue is super-quick, Mindy's amazing and there's this male nurse named Morgan who could be the funniest character on television. Apparently (and I'm not sure where I heard this, I mighta read it or I mighta made it up), the guy who plays Morgan was initially hired as a writer on the show, but was so hilarious in the writers' room that they decided to develop a character for him. Once again, no idea if that's true, but pretty sure I heard that somewhere. Professional blogger, ladies and gentleman. Internet celebrity. Thanks for reading.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine is Andy Samberg's new jawn where he plays an idiot cop and I've only seen one episode of it, but it was really funny and also stars Joe Lo Truglio (from The State) and Chelsea Peretti (from Twitter) and some other lady who's really funny, so watch it. Or don't. I don't really care. Thanks for reading though, TVMWW is literally all I care about in this world. I want to quit my job and dedicate myself to this blog. I really do. That last sentence probably made my wife furious.


Wednesday: Duck Dynasty, Top Chef

So turns out Duck Dynes is actually on Wednesdays at 10, but that happens to be the same time as Top Chef (possibly my wife's favorite). Luckily, there's reruns of DD on at 9:00 and 9:30 (and pretty much every other hour of the day), so you can watch that isht before Top Chef or literally any other time you're sitting on a couch, ever.

There's always one dude on Top Chef who has a really terrible haircut. This year it's a guy named Michael, a local New Orleans dicknose who is absolutely insufferable. Actually, most chefs are insufferable, aren't they? The only people I ever like on this show are the foreign ones who speak in broken english and have adorable mannerisms and ridiculously violent tempers. Honestly, chefs are retarded. This is a really good show though. Check out how horrible this guy's haircut is.

C'mon, manimal!

And how 'bout another secret snapper? I took this one of a lady sitting next to me on the train the other day.

It's hot because it leaves a lot to the imaginashe!

Back to televisionnnnnnnnnnn ...

I cannot handle these two.

Thursday: Parks and Rec, Thursday Night Football

Parks and Rec is the best show on TV, right? Has to be. Of the top ten funniest characters on television, six or seven of them are from Parks and Rec. Let's break it down.

10. Pat Sajak, Wheel of Forch
9. Swarovski Crystal girls, Saturday Night Live
8. Ron Swanson, Parks and Rec
7. April, Parks and Rec
(tie) Lesley, Parks and Rec
(tie) Jean Ralphio's sister, Parks and Rec
6. Shaquille O'Neal, Inside the NBA
5. Charles Barkley, Inside the NBA
(tie) The Black Lady, Parks and Rec
(tie) The Black Lady, The Mindy Project 
Evster's note: The reason for all the ties is because I keep having to go back and add people I forgot when I orginally made the list. I shoulda just done a top 15. Oh well. 
4. Andy, Parks and Rec
(tie) Mindy, The Mindy Project 
Evster's note: Wow! I really like The Mindy Proj!
3. Jean Ralphio, Parks and Rec 
(tie) Morgan, The Mindy Project
2. Stevie Janowski, Eastbound and Down 
1. Si, Duck Dynasty

That's pretty good representation from Parks and Rec. That's like Barcelona's influence on the Spanish national side. Ugh, who cares. Just shut up, Ev. Let's move on.

Love this guy.

Friday: Shark Tank

I've never understood why people like going out on Fridays. I guess Happy Hour is okay, and I like eating cheeseburgers, but by the time Shark Tank rolls around, I want to be on my couch, in my sweatpants, spreading goat cheese and fig jam all over my chest. Shark Tank is the ONLY show worth watching on Friday nights and boucheron is my JAM. (Not literally. Fig jam is my actual jam).

I like the haggling they do once a shark makes an offer. Last week there was some black dude who invented this stupid dish for heating up Ramen and is sure to make a billion dollars, but Mr. Wonderful was trying to rip him off with one of those "Lemme get 50 cents in perpetuity" deals that are totally bonkers. Any time you have an opportunity to get something in perpetuity, go for it. I can't imagine there will ever come a time where you have that option, but if you do, trust me, go for it. Anyway, so last week Mr. Wonderful was trying to rip this dude off, but the dude was BUSINESS SAVVY and understood that Mr. Wonderful was being a jerk, so then Mark Cubes (who is unbelievable by the way, UNBELIEVABLE) decided to make him an offer solely because he respected how the dude was negotiating and then the two of them struck a deal and shared a really nice hug and it honestly made me really, really happy for him. I can't imagine that this is even close to interesting for any of you who don't watch the show, but if you do, OH BABY IF YOU DO, how happy were you for that guy?!

DVR: The Eric Andre Show, Shaqtin' a Fool, Key and Peele

I have absolutely no idea when these shows come on, but I implore you to search your DVR and set them jawns to record the entire series. The Eric Andre Show is an absurd talk show on Adult Swim (and only airs in 15-minute eps) and is absolutely fantastic. It's probably my favorite show ever. Shaqtin' a Fool (also my favorite) is on NBATV and just consists of Shaquille O'Neal and Dennis Scott sitting around watching bloopers and making fun of JeVale McGee. Key and Peele is a sketch show on Comedy Centch and is my wife's favorite show in the history of television.

Dog and dog.

Netflix: Derek

Ricky Gervais' new jawn is fantastic. I haven't actually seen it yet, but there's no way I don't love it. Have I told you that I get paid to write for The 700 Level? Is that unbelievable?

Nope. Too cute. 

Animal Shows: Too Cute: Kittens, Dogs 101, honestly any show with tigers or polar bears or anything fuzzy really, doesn't matter

Honestly, Too Cute: Kittens is too cute. I can't handle it. Dogs 101 on the other hand is the perfect show for a person who loves dogs and plans on getting one, but is too scared to actually get one / do anything.

All right, enough of this reading stuff.

Let's watch TV.

The video above is hilarious. It's a Tom Green-esque / Borat'ish video made by this dude Kyle Mooney (who is now on SNL) after going to the Lakers championship parade a few years ago. Kyle also has a bit role on Hello Ladies and is going to be a super-duperstar and I love him so watch it okay bye bye bye thanks for reading seriously I love you guys.


  1. [roaring laughter]

    No but seriously, you should definitely start a secret snapper blog. Totes not creepy. Totes.

    1. I'm totally aware that secret snappers are wrong, but they're so exhilarating to take and really fun to share.

  2. After all your TV watching (ALL OF IT) you don't mention that that guy Kyle Mooney does those Xfinity commercials in that Mission Impossible headquarters?