Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Mailborg: Talkin' the Bachelorette, Al Jazeera TV, the Top 5 Worst Feelings Ever, and Why TVMWW Has Been MIA for a Few Weeks

I feel like mailmen are always wearing amazing socks. 

Where would TVMWW be without its readers? Probably exactly where it is considering there's only around 12 of you. BUT BABY OH BABY YOU'RE A STRONG 12. So let's take some time out to respond to my literally dozen of readers by emptying out the ole Mailborg 5000 and seeing what questions/comments/selfies my readers have sent me over the past few months.

Beep boop beep boop beep boop beep ...


Is a mailborg like a cyborg but for mail? -- Lee Ewing ‏aka @l_ewing1221 

Sure, whatever.

Can you twitpic your mail sorting cyborg? -- Lee Ewing ‏aka @l_ewing1221 

Can you send me a picture of your girlfriend's pedicure?

Why is he waving? Get to work!

Ayo Evster, if Des gave out buns instead of roses wouldn't it be more romantic? -- Tim R aka ‏‪@whitemidget‬‬‬‬

Yes it would. It absolutely would. There are few things in this world more romantic than giving your suitor a live, breathing bunny rabbit. Imagine the ratings boom every Monday night at approximately 9:45pm when millions of viewers would tune in to see a woman hand over approximately 10 to 15 bunny rabbits to some sweaty, nervous idiots. The guys would be all confused about how to carry the buns, the buns would be trying to nibble their way out of their hands, it would be adorable! Unfortunately at this point, the stupid roses have way too much built-in caché to be replaced, BUT, I could see the Bachelorette producers incorporating buns into the rose ceremony ONLY if the Bachelorette was like, way into buns.

Like, for examps: you know those ladies who are way into stuff? Like elephants or snowglobes and they decorate their houses with a bunch of little figurines and trinkets? Well, let's just say that the next Bachelorette was BONKERS into buns. Maybe she was even a veterinarian or someone who specializes in buns. (Are there veterinarians who specialize in buns? There have to be.) Then maybe when she gave out the roses, she could put a rose in a bun's mouth and have the bun deliver the rose to the dude. Although I imagine if you put a rose in a bun's mouth, it would eat it, which would cause a great deal of confusion as to who was supposed to get the rose, but it'd still be supes dupes cupes.

Next questch!

Hey, Evster, did you find it as odd as I did how Des and Chris KEPT TALKING ABOUT growing old together? They both wish they were in their 70s. I didn't count, but they must have mentioned it a combined 45 times during the last 10 minutes of the show. Lamest couple ever. -- M̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶M̶e̶e̶c̶h̶ ‏aka ‪@meechone‬‬‬‬

First of all, the lamest couple ever is Mario Lopez and whatever dude happens to be in a relationship with Mario Lopez. Secondly, I TOTALLY GET WANTING TO GROW OLD TOGETHER. Think about it, life is MISERABLE. We wake up, we eat bananas, sometimes granola bars, sometimes yogurt (geez, are there ANY other acceptable breakfast foods?), then spend our days sitting through lame-ass Power Point presentations, before we finally get to go home and watch stupid television shows while checking our Twitter and PRAYING FOR FAVES AND RETWEETS, and then before you know it, we go to sleep, have the covers ripped off of us by the person we've chosen to cohabitate with and then our stinkin' alarms go off and we have to do it all over again EVERY STINKIN' DAY. 

Personally, I can't wait to get old and not have to do anything, ever. Sure, I'll probably also have constant lower back pain and tumultuous diarrhea, but it's not like that'd be anything new. Plus, people in their 70s don't give a shit about shit. They're the only ones who have figured it all out. Also, Viagara seems amazing. So sorry, Meech, but I totally support Des and Chris and their incredibly boring, pathetic, public lifestyles and desire to grown old together. THANKS FOR WRITING IN THOUGH DUDE, KEEP RETWEETING MY STUFF, THANKS AGAIN, 'PRECIATE IT. 


Are you done with ‪#foxtalk‬‬‬‬, Evster? Just wondering for future updates. -- Mark Magowan ‏‪aka @_magowan‬‬‬‬

Absolutely not. Love #foxtalk, love foxes, love Vivica A. Fox. It's just I haven't seen one in almost a year. Besides, this is the summer of buns as evidenced by the fact that all the memory in my phone is used up with pictures of buns. Also, how is it that you had to make your Twitter handle UNDERSCORE Magowan? Are you telling me someone else had "Magowan" and if so, you couldn't come up with something better like "TheMagowinator" or "MauiGowey" or "BaloneyBalls44"? C'mon man, underscores are unacceptable. THANKS FOR READING, DOE. 

Hello Evan TVMWW, got a lil question for the ol' mailbaag here for you. Some background here is this: I live with my girlfriend and I am a millennial adult. I have a feeling this is a lot what marriage is like from reading your bolg a lot because I can see many similarities between yourself and myself even at my young, not married age. So anyway here is my question: Do you still watch the Real Housewives with the wife? Haven't seen many posts about it in a while. If you don't watch it, why is that (and how can I not be forced to watch it anymore like you)? Thanks and god bless. -- Doc Pizza aka @Dr_Pizza_MD

DOCTOR, you get it. You totally get it! This blorg is NOT only about television, it's more of a sociological experiment looking at the male-female dynamic through the lens of television. That being said, I totally figured out how to avoid The Real Housewives this season. I FIGURED IT OUT. Basically, my wife and I have been going bonkers on Netflix with Breaking Bad and Homeland in an attempt to catch up to the rest of the world and not have to plug up our ears when people at work are talking about stuff. So while we're spending every night on the couch wasting away watching old TV shows, at least we're not watching the shit show that is the RHONJ. So all you have to do is find a show that you're at least 17 seasons behind on and then pop that baby in. Shows I recommend are: Luther, the Brak Show and any Ken Burns special. Also, not watching RHONJ has definitely brought my blood pressure down considerably. And even though I haven't seen one episode this season, I still think I could guess what's happening: Teresa is mad at Melissa. Melissa is mad at Teresa. And the two Joes recently learned to eat with their feet. 

Unfortunately, my wife has been watching two other shows in RHONJ's place: Devious Maids and Below Deck (which is essentially The Real World on a boat). I caught a few minutes of one episode of Below Deck and some lady got drunk and tried to sneak off the boat, but got caught by the ship's captain mere seconds after making it to land. The lady had huge tits and was sobbing like a two-year-old so it was basically the hottest thing I've seen on television this year. I highly approve of this show and now that I think about it cannot believe that I haven't watched Devious Maids yet. Devious + Maids = TOTAL HAWTNESS.

Evster's Note: This next email was from a guy named Frat, my next-door neighbor growing up and an actual doctor, responding to when I wrote about having Pericarditis a few weeks ago (a virus that causes inflammation around the sac of one's heart).

Dude. Get over yourself. Advil. It'll cure that "heart attack" right up. -- Frat

Thanks, Doctor Dolittle. I'll have you know that only ten days after being diagnosed and treated for Pericarditis, I was back in the hospital after a massive amount of fluid built up around my heart and had to be drained out with a needle. At one point during my SIX DAY STAY in the hosp, I watched as a doctor jammed a syringe into my chest and drained 400ml of bloody fluid from my heart, and then dumped it into a BUCKET right in front of me. 



So thanks for the Advil advice, Doctor Dickpants. Also I saw your mother the other day and she gave me a bunch of tomatoes from her garden and they were delicious. I also have a bacteria infection that I got in the hospital and have to be on an IV for the next month. BUT THANKS FOR THE MEDICAL ADVICE, DOC. THE ADVIL WORKED GREAT. 

Just my pack of syringes to shoot myself with antibiotics over the next month or so.

Hey Ev, We've been trying to come up with a list of Top 5 worst feelings ever, but have only come up with: A) wet socks and B) sand in places it doesn't belong. We're too lazy/apathetic to put more thought into it but since you're not... And, we're looking for good, legit ones. Not just crap like "reading this blog." Also, "who caresss" is not an acceptable (or funny) response. -- Neens

All right, wet socks is the worst. There's no doubt about that, so you're off to a great start. Paper cut is another obvious one, as is a hangnail, but I'm not sure if you've ever had a little something called Pericarditis? 'Cuz that's a rough one, too, especially when they drain FOUR HUNDRED MILLILITERS OF BLOODY FLUID FROM YOUR HEART AND DUMP IT INTO A BUCKET. Also, ordering a hoagie and seeing that they forgot to put mayonnaise on it is unacceptable. What about getting X-Rays at the dentist? That suckssssss. And sitting through Power Point presentations. Ugh. I think that's a pretty strong list. How does this have anything to do with TV my wife watches?

What's a better square candy, Now & Laters, Bonkers or Starburst? Popeye's or KFC? Did Michael Douglas ruin cunnilingus for all of womankind? -- Yours Truly, Chevy from Chalfont

Pretty sure Now & Laters will break every incisor in your mouth. Not sure if I remember exactly what Bonkers are -- are they the ones where juice explodes in your mouth? -- if so, definitely them. Starburst are dope, except for those tropical flavors that totally suck butt. Popeye's dominates KFC all day every day. The biscuits are dynamite. Michael Duggs is a total idiot, but I appreciate the fact that he loves performing oral sex, which I've always felt is the true mark of a real man. Sorry about the whole cancer thing though, Mike. Take some Advil. 

Did you know that your blahg stinks? More pictures of hot people with no clothes on. Less talking! Do you know what tl;dr means? How you you like your cheeseburgers cooked? -- Thad

Ugh, for those of you who feel like these are the ramblings of a mad man, you're right. "Thad" is actually Philly Phoodie, the writer of a very popular food blog, and a total space cadet. He's the first "online blog friend" of mine who I actually met in real life and there's not a day that goes by that I don't regret meeting him. That being said, he's got a really good food blog for people who are interested in having a quadruple bypass before the age of 40. And I like my cheeseburgs medium rare. Obvs.

First time long time here. Would really like to know your opinion on this whole Al Jazeera TV network getting a slot in America? Do we need more news channels, are we catering to the mid-eastern threat? What in the world is going on here? Figured I'd ask the guy who watches the most TV and has a blogspot about it. Thanks I'll take my answer on the webs! -- Page talks, from Phish

This email is so confusing. Page talks, from Phish? Are you in Phish? Or is Phish a place? Either way, I think this whole Al Jazeera American TV channel is fantastic, mostly because it should give us a better idea about what the hell goes on in a cricket match. Also, Indian chicks tend to be SMOKE DAWGS. Are the people of Al Jazeera TV Indian? No, they're Middle Eastern. Is that the same thing? What if they had an actual cricket host the news? I'd watch that shit every night. I mean, a cartoon cricket, obviously. With googly eyes. He could wear a little tie, too. And have a mustache?

I love these guys so much.

What's your favorite college football team?!?!?! #AskTVMWW -- Matt Jay ‏aka @matt_jurk 

I'm a Michigan Man! (even though I went to Maryland). When I was at College Park (class of 1947), they used to put up this graphic up on the scoreboard during key third downs that read, "NOISE NOISE NOISE" and my friend Larbage and I used to yell, "Noise! Noise! Noise!" Also, I once saw a dude get blasted in the face and fall down five rows of bleachers and I got really, really scared. So yeah, Michigan. Also, it must hurt so much to get blasted in the face. I feel like if I ever did get punched in the face, my entire head would explode. A good way to clean up all the blood from an exploding head is to slurp it up with a syringe and then dump it into a bucket.

Yo Evster, is sitting through a power point presentache worse than having to create one? I am currently creating one and it is the worst waste of time that I have ever been through! Thanks. -- Keith in Collegeville, PA

I've never actually created a PP, but if I did, I think I'd just put up pictures of cows and frogs and then run out of the room when it was my time to speak. The worst PPPs are when people just write out whole paragraphs on the slide and then read right from the script. Good God, why are we spending so much time talking about PPPs? Let's talk about Collegeville, PA, instead.

There used to be a place in Collegeville called Harpoon Louie's and they claimed to be "The Home of the Oyster Pie." I never made it there before it closed, which was a colossal mistake on my part and one that I think about every day of my life. I've also found that chicks who go to Ursinus college are major, major guttersluts. Honestly, what is this blog supposed to be about, anyway? Thanks for reading, doe.

I've been reading your dumb blog for almost a year and still haven't seen one comment from "Dar". She's not real, right? That would be some 6th Sense isht right there. A CLEVER RUSE TO CREATE THE DUMBEST BLOG ON THIS HERE INTERNET. ‪#askTVMWWWWW‬‬‬ -- Kunk aka ‏‪@Kunk7‬‬‬  

My wife is very real and very spectacular, but she picks and chooses her time to comment very carefully. Basically, she'll only chime in when some lady writes some flirty response and she feels the need to mark her territory. Seeing as I haven't had any flirty comments in quite some time (WHERE ARE THE FLIRTY COMMENTS, LADIES?), she has been silent. That being said, she will seriously slice a bitch in the throat. 






Do you wanna be featured in the next TVMWMWMMW mailborg post? I don't blame you if you don't, but if you DO, send in your questions/comments/barefoot pics to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. I will publish and respond to any and all emails. Orrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this lady surfing on a camel. That's what I'd do. I mean, it's much less time consuming. And also it's a camel. 


  1. I love the way you write if you need a sexy nurse to inject antibiotics into your stupid fat face I'd love to volunteer.

  2. But did you try the advil? I can't be held accountable if the doctors misdiagnosed you. What you are describing is a pericardial effusion or possibly tamponade. Tamponade is no joke even though it sounds like something you'd spread on a cracker. That's different than pericarditis. But I still feel like a dick.

    1. yes it was a pericardial effusion that almost developed into tamponade ... i think they said it was pre-tamponade or something (i can't remember exactly considering I COULDN'T BREATHE).

      thanks for joining us for this episode of Dr. Frat's Muh-muh-muh-Misdiagnosis!

  3. Do you still have those sales papers? Looking for Bed Bath and Beyondbonks' coupon

    1. They were actually my mother's ... I'll check with her to see if she's still got 'em if I have the strength to get through a 2 minute phone call with her.

  4. Your condition was actually pretampon? That's sounds like some serious illness.