Monday, September 30, 2013

Breaking Bad Finale: Discussing the Issues That No One Else is Talking About

Not a cloud in the sky!

Well, it was no Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, but the Breaking Bad finale was still epic. There was emotion, suspense, a Princess Leia / Jabba-the-Hut-esque choke-out scene, a Skinny Pete sighting, NICE CINEMATOGRAPHY, a lady wearing those fancy high heeled shoes with the red soles, THE RETURN OF THOSE PANCAKES. Over the next few days, anyone and everyone will give their opinions about the show: some will laud it, others will google the word "laud" to see if I used it correctly, but no one will put the show in the same category as Hangin' With Mr. Coops. Seriously, best show ever?! A former NBA player-turned-substitute-teacher who had to live with TWO female roommates?! ZOINKS ALERT! Plus he had to sleep on the couch in the den! HELLOOOOOO BACK PROBLEMS LOL OMG LOL LOL HE'S TOO TALL TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME okay sorry I'm stopping, I'm stopping.




But after reading a bunch of Breaking Bad recaps yesterday morning, I noticed that there are still a bunch of issues that no one is talking about. I'm not sure why, considering there have been no fewer than four billion recaps written about this show (why do I have a TV blog, again?), but for some reason many critics have chosen to ignore a few obvious plot holes from the final episode.

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For hard hitting journalism! To dive deep into the important issues and tackle the questions that no one,  and I mean no one, is talk-- oh who cares let's just get to it.

These mofos got some seriously white teeth. 

Jesse Pinkman May Be Alive, But He Needs Some Serious, Serious Help

It's great that Walt got Jesse got outta there, free from the Nazis, away from that dungeon and on his way to start a new Third Eye Blind semi-charmed-kinda-life, baby, babyyyyy ... but let's not forget ... DUDE HAS SPENT THE LAST YEAR IN A CAGE.

He is severely, severely, SEVERELY damaged.

I don't know if you've ever spent any time in a cage (I haven't, but my wife has. KIDDING, honey!), but I once had a pet gerbil for like three months and little Hector got SO MANY butt diseases. Also, let's not forget, everyone Jesse's ever known and loved is dead, with some of them getting killed right in front of him. He has no family, no friends and NO MONEY. That's the worst part, the no money thing. I think I'd be all right in this world without friends and family (I have over 700 Twitter followers!), but no money? IMPOSSIBLE. The guy might be happy to be alive, but the Jesse Pinkman we know and love is dead.

When I was in college, I was friends with this dude named Fishnips who was a really good guy. Very funny, very smart, liked by everyone. But one day at a BBQ, someone pants'd Fishnips (and when I say "pants'd", I mean TOTALLY pants'd, like boxer shorts came down and everything) leaving him fully exposed in front of an entire sorority. To this day, thanks to the embarrassment, Fishnips has been unable to hold down a relationship (or a job) and currently lives with his aunt in a one-bedroom apartment outside of Shippensburg, Pennsylvania. It's sad and it's unfortunate, and it should also be mentioned that I may or may not have been the person responsible for pants'ing Fishnips, an act that I totally don't regret, because it was seriously hilarious to see his little dork out there flapping in the breeze.

So Jesse has some major work to do. You may be excited that he's got a car and his freedom and a new lease on life but OMG this dude needs THERAPY and prescription medication and to be interviewed by Barbara Walters. Actually, that'd be a pretty good way to make some easy money. Then he could write a book and possibly get a movie deal and then get the meth lab back up and cookin! Maybe dude will be all right, after all. That's nice for him. Although I kinda feel like he probably crashed his car only moments after busting out of the Nazi's gate.

Two wheels are missing! 

The Two Annoying Rich People Who Used to Work with Walt Just Had to be Jewish, Didn't They?

It was nice that Vince Gilligan killed off the ultimate bad guy Nazis, but did he really have to name the annoying, super-rich folks who used to work with Walt, Elliot and Gretchen SCHWARTZ? I mean, c'mon, Gilligan, c'monnnnnnnn. It was one thing to have Saul Goodman be a wacky, nebbishy, nervous lawyer, but at least he was likable. The Schwartz's remind me of the Griswold's next-door neighbors in Christmas Vacation. "And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?" "I don't knowww, Margo." Ugh, we just cannot catch a break. If I were Steven Speilberg or Harvey Weinstein or any other high powered Hollywood exec, I would ban Gilligan from ever working in that town again. I would also own so many pairs of gold socks.





I Can't Be the Only Person Who Wanted to See Todd Bone Lydia

Everyone knows that sociopaths make great lovers (Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Woody Allen in Bananas, Dunston in Dunston Checks In), so why not add one little scene of Todd giving the business to Lydia? Lord knows she needs it, that lady is HIGH STRUNG, and you know she had to be at least a little flattered by Todd's advances. One thing I've learned about women -- and I know, I know, they don't like when you turn to look at their butts when you pass them on the street -- is that they secretly LOVE to know that guys want to have sex with them. It's like one of their main goals in life: How many guys can I get to want to have sex with me? And yeah, I know, I KNOW, Todd's a cold-blooded murderer and who has no feelings whatsoever and is a complete and total whackazoid, but that has to be kinda hot, right ladies?! Are you telling me that if you were to do it all over again, you wouldn't want to have had sex with at least one complete whackazoid during your 20's? Be honest ladies, this isn't Facebook. You can be honest here. You don't have to click "like" just because your friend Rachel went apple picking with her ugly children this weekend. This is a place for HONESTY. This is a SAFE ZONE. Regardless, I think Vince Gilly really dropped the ball here. Coulda had some really nice high-angle Breaking Bad camera shots of Todd's tight, pale hairless butt. You know I'm right. You know I'm right.

In One Stupid Episode, Vince Gilligan Managed to Make Everyone Forget that Walter White is a Total Butt Farmer

Here's the thing: going into last night's episode, most of us wanted to see Walter White ROT IN HIS OWN FILTH. Throughout the show's run, Walt has proven to be one of the biggest dickwads in television history (apologies to Mario Lopez). Even a jerk like Don Drapes has the ability to pull at your heart strings, because he's lovable and sad and lonely and damaged and really, really good looking. But Walter White was just a prick, one of those people who's too smart for his own good and looks down on everyone else in the world for not being as gifted as he is. The only times we ever pulled for him was when he was doing Heisenberg stuff: blowing people's faces off, outsmarting his enemies and making Mr. Wizard-like moves to get outta tight jams. And yet somehow, Vince Gilligan was able to make us forget about all of Walt's negative qualities and spend the last hour and fifteen minutes praying for him to come out on top. Err, not on top, but not on bottom. You know what I mean. To go out on his own terms. To deliver some money to his family. To kill all the baddies. To not die like the pathetic, selfish, butthead that he really was.

That's the thing with these newfangled characters on TV. They're too complex. The protagonists are too well-written, too flawed, too unpredictable. I'm not sure what I think of Walter White. I hate him one second. And then sort of like him / love him / wanna hug him in his tightie whities the next. I miss the old days when television was stupid. I miss watching a show for a meaningless half hour without having to go and read a 5,000-word recap in order to understand it the next day. I miss Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. I miss Holly Robinson Peete and her soft, caramel, buttermilk biscuit skin. I've honestly never even seen that show. I bet it was so dumb. I think I'd love it.

Fuck you, Breaking Bad.

Television was better when it was stupid.

Duck Dynasty is my jam.

I have no idea why I always italicize show titles. Is that even what you're supposed to do? Who cares.




DID YOU KNOW that I write a sports column for The 700 Level every Friday? It's true, and you can find links to all of my columns right here. I also write an Eagles recap with Zoo With Roy every week, too. You can read our most recent Eagles-Broncos jawn here. You can also find pictures of women in a milk bath by simply Googling "women in a milk bath". Look.

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