Monday, September 30, 2013

Breaking Bad Finale: Discussing the Issues That No One Else is Talking About

Not a cloud in the sky!

Well, it was no Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, but the Breaking Bad finale was still epic. There was emotion, suspense, a Princess Leia / Jabba-the-Hut-esque choke-out scene, a Skinny Pete sighting, NICE CINEMATOGRAPHY, a lady wearing those fancy high heeled shoes with the red soles, THE RETURN OF THOSE PANCAKES. Over the next few days, anyone and everyone will give their opinions about the show: some will laud it, others will google the word "laud" to see if I used it correctly, but no one will put the show in the same category as Hangin' With Mr. Coops. Seriously, best show ever?! A former NBA player-turned-substitute-teacher who had to live with TWO female roommates?! ZOINKS ALERT! Plus he had to sleep on the couch in the den! HELLOOOOOO BACK PROBLEMS LOL OMG LOL LOL HE'S TOO TALL TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME okay sorry I'm stopping, I'm stopping.


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Elvin from The Cosby Show is Straight Killin' It on Dancing With The Stars

Kinda figured Elvin would have a little bit of chest hair.

In the three years since I started this blog, I have been lucky enough to cover a few absolutely incredible television moments: 

- A guy on the Bach with a freshly tattooed forearm sang an acapella love song to a woman he barely knew on top of a mountain. 

- On Virgin Diaries, two disgusting virgins repeatedly jammed their tongues down each other's throats with seemingly no ability to understand that the television cameras in front of them were going to broadcast this to a national audience.

- Joe Gorga ate spaghetti with a fork.

And now, Elvin from The Cosby Show -- a whopping 21 years after his last television appearance -- is absolutely dominating Dancing With The Stars.

Emmys Fashion Review with @SaraCircle

Almost none of these women are talked about in this post. 

Hey all you hamburgers and cheeseburgers. After live-tweeting the Emmys Sunday night and only losing eight followers, I figured I'd keep this train rolling and ask TVMWW’s Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circs (aka Bazooka Mom), to join me to talk about Emmys fashion.

So enough with all this jibber jabber, let's get to it!

Ready to make fun of people, Circs?

Circs: Nope!

Awesome.


Lady from Parks and Rec, Parks and Rec 

The Evster: I like what this lady is doin here. Really goin' out on a limb with the whole fab goth thing, but then again I don’t know any fab goth chicks who carry a clutch, so maybe that’s not what she’s doing. I also don’t know if a “clutch” is the right word for what she’s carrying ... ugh, yes I do ... it’s obviously a clutch. Also, carrying a clutch around all night with you must be the worst. I mean, why not just make a dress with a little zip-up pouch like those old Kangaroos sneaks? That way women could carry around their essentials like lip gloss, a credit card and a vial of cocaine while also having their hands free to carry an even bigger bag of cocaine. Also, her tits are too small. Grade: B-

Circs: I was taken aback when I saw this because I was like, “Wow, she looks pretty hot, and I never thought of her as hot before, and this is kind of sophisticated, which also isn’t really how I think of her” and basically it was a She’s All That moment for me, except replace removing the pretty girl’s glasses with sitting on my couch eating beef jerky and weeping soft tears of loneliness. Anyway, even though her boobs aren’t that big and that is MASSIVELY OFFENSIVE TO ME, I think the dress fits her really well and is very very flattering and I actually think I like everything about it, so you can go fuck yourself, everybody. Sorry. Sorry. Everything’s cool. Grade: A- (could use a splash of color)

The Evster: Her necklace has a little splash of color.

Circs: Shut up.



Claire Dorngs, Homelambs 

The Evster: Okay, I recognize that this is a nice dress. The frills, the lace, the airflow under her pits giving off a subtle hint of Tom’s of Maine. BUT C’MON CLAIRE. I know what you’re capable of. I’ve seen you get railroaded by Agent Brody. I’ve seen you milking cows in Temple Grandin. So I must ask: WHAT’S UP WITH THE DOUBLE MASTECT? Grade: F minus!

Circs: I see you decided to go with that double mastect joke, Evan, with no regard whatsoever for Angelina Jolie’s feelings.

The Evster: Yeah, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with the double mastect joke, but I did it, and it’s out there, so what can I do? (I mean, I could obviously delete it, but I’m not gonna.) I also sort of feel like Claire used to have bigger titties and got a double mastect just so she could wear this dress.

Circs: Just try not to take her lack of breast tissue as a personal affront. I’m 85% sure she did not have you in mind when she was going (halfway) through puberty. And no, she never had bigger titties. We can do a whole Claire Danes red carpet retrospective, if you like.

The Evster: Pretty sure I saw her titties in Agent Brody’s mouth.

Circs: Pretty sure this is why Jordan Catalano was embarrassed to be seen with her.

Anyway, this dress is definitely pretty and I love how she was basically telling everyone (but really mainly the Evster) that she doesn’t give a fuck that she has no boobs, ‘cause she has a hot (possibly gay) husband and a bunch of Emmys and a kajillion dollars and a pretty dress with sequins.

Oh, but I hate her hair and this color washes her out and Jordan Catalano used to go the same physical therapy gym as me--what a complete freak. Grade: B- (who am I kidding; get some tits Danes)



Sofia Vergaarrarrarrrrra, Modern Fams 

The Evster: FINALLY WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE. Actually, you know what? I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna write about Sofia’s jingjongs because that’s just too easy. Instead, let’s talk about the lovely contrast of her emerald jewelry against the crimson of her dress OMG THIS IS SO BORING. Grade: Grade A Beef!

Circs: WE GET IT, SOFIA VERGARAREAREARWASA. Fishtail dress, hourglass figure, huge this, tiny that, when does everybody shut up so I can finally punch you in the mug? P.S. I hate your dumb show. Grade: Who cares, I just popped a vein in my forehead.



Xtina Hendricks, Mad Membs 

The Evster: BREAK OUT THE BAZOOKAS, BAZOOKA MOM, ‘CUZ YOU AIN’T NEVER BLOWN UP A DRESS LIKE DAT. This lady is a LEGEND. A living, breathing, bazooka-bombing legend. Also, check out Wilford Brimley behind her -- JUST HAPPY TO BE THERE -- completely ignoring the fact that the woman in front of him is about to blow up the red carp. And then there’s the other guy on the left drinking a diet orange soda? Love it! Grade: BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Circs: Evster, just when we think you’re going to be predictable, you say exactly what we expect you to say.

I honestly don’t even know what, if anything, Christina is wearing right here. Of course it doesn’t matter. Do you think when she gets dressed for the Emmys she’s like, “Please hand me that drape, because let’s be honest, not even I can think about or pay attention to anything besides--look, do I still have to even talk about this?”

Or maybe she goes to Christian Siriano and picks out something nice that flatters her shape. Grade: ??? Eleven.



Lena Dunns, Girls 

The Evster: Poor Lena Dunns. It doesn’t matter what she wears, people are gonna pick her apart. I mean, that’s a pretty nice dress, too. I’d prefer ladybugs over flowers, but that’s cool, I like the colors. And the eyeliner, I mean, it’s dumb and it’s way too much, but it’s fine, it’s perfectly fine. It really is amazing how many dickheads walk around these award shows with headsets on. There is literally nothing stupider in this world than wearing a headset. By the way, as I am typing this in my cubicle, I am currently wearing thirteen headsets. I could definitely see Lena Dunns having a severe mental breakdown at a very young age. How cute are ladybugs though? Excuse me for a sec I'm getting like nine phone calls. Grade: B-

Circs: I actually love this, love the color, love the eyes, love the look on her face, and am absolutely batshit NUTS about the fact that there are no ladybugs on her dress. I saw this in the audience from sort of a distance at one point and found this green-with-red-speckles blob pleasing to the eye before I even knew what it was. And by the way, I am not referring to Lena herself as a blob and genuinely think she looks great here. The dress just looked like a blob in the audience against all the boring black. NICE BLOB, LENA!! Grade: A


Jon Hamm, My Wife's Favourite Person in the History of the World 

The Evster: Awesome beard. Wife is probably a very, very, very nice and understanding human being. Grade: A

Circs: My feelings about Mr. Hamm are complicated. I both loathe and am attracted to his character of Don Draper more than I am to Hamm the actual mann. I mean, I love facial hair, but look at what a doof he is. Or not? I dunno, he’s all up in my precious comedy world and I’m not sure how I feel about it but it’s fine, whatever, I feel like I’m taking this question entirely too seriously all of a sudden when I should just be writing about getting smoldered by his hairy face. Ugh, he’s fine. His white/off-white coat looks dumb to me but I know absolutely nothing about men’s fashion.

As for his wife, Kissing Jessica Stein remains an awesome movie that I will watch absolutely any time it airs on Starz. Grade: Are beards uncomf? They look uncomf.

The Evster: Meh, not really, but they can be during the summer. Or if they get caught in your headset(s).

Circs: Hey Evster, quick questch: Do you realize that all of these people so far have been white? Should we have a non white person in here somewhere?

The Evster: Were there any black people there last night?

Circs: Kerry Washington.

The Evster: Is she a quarterback?

Circs: Let's just move on.



Heidi Klum, International Television Superstar 

The Evster: This dress is obviously retarded (and yet sort of amazing). The fact that it chokes Heidi out around her neck is super hot. Little known fact: European chicks who like to be choked out are WAY WAY WAY hotter than your average American prude. So bravo, Heidi Klum, bravo. Or should I say, “Bråüvenblürg.” Grade: A

Circs: More like Project Stunw oh who cares. Grade: C



Blossom, Blossom 

The Evster: Well it looks like the Maid of Honor is finally here! lol lol omg lol jk jk omg No but seriously is she on her way to Stacey’s wedding? lol lol WHERE ARE YOUR FLOWERS, BRIDESMAID? lol lol omg Hey Blossom, what table are you sitting at? 'Cuz we’re at Table14! lol lol omg jk HEY PASS THE BREAD AND BUTTER WOULD YA I'M STARVING jk jk lol omg jk ok I’m stopping. Grade: F

Circs: I had an aunt who died while dressed as a bridesmaid and watching Blossom, so this isn’t that funny to me. Grade: F



Sally Drapes, Mad Membs 

The Evster: Geez Louize, this entire time we’ve been writing this, Circs keeps emailing me on the side, saying, “Put in Sally Drapes! Put in Sally Drapes!” so here ya go, Circs, here’s your precious photo of Sally Drapes. She looks nice, with her little flower pasties pasted on her little flower dress. Although she kinda looks like a basket on the front of Mary Poppins’s bicycle. Did Mary Popps even ride a bicycle? If she did, it was probably a stupid one. Sorry, no idea why I got so angry all of a sudds, I actually really like bicycles and think that Mary Popps was supes hot. I just wanna see more titties. Grade: No

Circs: Upon first glance, I thought this was wack as wack can be. But then I sat back, studied it for a few hours, and realized it’s a goddamned work of art. I don’t feel like getting into all of the stuff about how it’s age-appropes, even though it is, because that’s boring. There shouldn’t be a question about it being age-appropes. If you’re underaged, be appropes, guys. It’s that simple. Grade: A+



Anna Gunnnnnnn, Breaking Bads 

The Evster: Man, did you read Anna Gunn’s op-ed in the NYT about the amount of hate that she -- both as a person and also Skyler the character -- gets from being on Breaking Bad? It was very well done and definitely worth reading and makes her even more attractive than she is on the show. (I like to watch her have sex!) But still, her titties could use a little work. Grade: C

Circs: I read the op-ed. It was sorta interesting. Grade: C

The Evster: Yeah, it wasn't that interesting.



This Lady, Lifetime Achievement Award Winner!

The Evster:  Grade: A+++++++++++++++

Circs: I think that by blinding this chick with a flash, the photographer actually saved Zooey Deschanel from being assassinated. Grade: FFFFFFFFFFFFF





If you wanna follow Sara Circs on Twitty Twitty Twang Twang, you can do so @SaraCircle. You can also follow me @TVMWW. Or you could just look at this horse. That's what I'd do. He's a nice horse. 

Also, here's last year's Emmy post for all you TRUE hustlas out there. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Watching Looney Tunes (From My Hospital Bed)

Offsides.

Not to get all Alan Sepinwall on you, but I'm currently writing this blorgpost from my hospital room. Relax, I'm fine. After having Pericarditis a few weeks ago and needing some fluid drained from my heart (which I talked about in my Mailborg Post) I had to be readmitted to have some more fluid drained from my lungs. I'm fine, seriously. It's not a big deal. (JK I'm totally gonna die please help me.)

If you've never spent a night in the hospital, here's what goes on: They hook you up to a million machines that constantly bink and bonk and blurnk and bleenk and keep you up all night even though you're trying to recover from having ONE LITER OF AMBER-COLORED FLUID DRAINED FROM YOUR LUNGS. To distract you from the blonks and bleeps and excruciating pain, patients keep their televisions on all the time. Since I've been here, my wife and I have watched everything from Champions League Soccer to a nature documentary on frogs while bonding over our intense hatred for all things Kathie Lee Gifford.

But today, ohhhhh baby, my wellness took a turn for the good after watching Looney Tunes -- specifically a hilarious sketch starring Sylvester the cat.


Monday, September 16, 2013

Miss Americaaaaaaaaa aagggggghhhhhhghgghghghgghghgh

Miss New York: Smoothest armpits in the biz. 

Congraggulagtions to some lady who got very excited when they called her name at the end. The Miss America pagej has now been won by a New Yorker in back-to-back years which is sort of interesting / not that interesting / kind of really interesting. This however is not the most impressive streak in the competish as the state of Idaho has entered a live buffalo in the pageant for 37 straight years.


If I had been paying attention during the contest I could tell you what kind of garb Miss America was wearing for the talent portion or where her heritage is from (India? That looks Indian, right?), but I am currently on a lot of prescription pain medication so I was kinda mesmerized by all of the shiny sparkles. I can also tell you that the new Miss America has VERY strong feet and I'd love for her to repeatedly kick me in the face, neck, chest and breast area.



Lady in Purple aka The Runner Up: "OMG I'm so happy for you jk I will seriously gut you jk this is so great jk I will seriously slice your abdomen off and feed it to a fish jk happy happy happppyyyyyyy!!!!! jk kill me!!!!!! happpyyyy thoughhhhhh!!!!! but stab me with an ice pick but happpyyyy!!!yyyy!!!!yyyy!!!!! deathhhh!!!!!yyyyyy!!!!! sadnessssssss!!!! and smilingggggggg!!!! it hurts so mucccchhhhhhhhappyyyyyyy!!!!"


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Mailborg: Talkin' the Bachelorette, Al Jazeera TV, the Top 5 Worst Feelings Ever, and Why TVMWW Has Been MIA for a Few Weeks

I feel like mailmen are always wearing amazing socks. 

Where would TVMWW be without its readers? Probably exactly where it is considering there's only around 12 of you. BUT BABY OH BABY YOU'RE A STRONG 12. So let's take some time out to respond to my literally dozen of readers by emptying out the ole Mailborg 5000 and seeing what questions/comments/selfies my readers have sent me over the past few months.

Beep boop beep boop beep boop beep ...

Monday, September 9, 2013