Wednesday, August 28, 2013

TV My Dad Watches: Entertainment Tonight

Pretty strong Adam's App.

Evster's note: For the next two weeks -- while our bathroom is being redone -- my wife and I will be living at MY PARENTS' HOUSE. As of now, it is still unclear as to whether or not my marriage will make it through the fortnight, but if it's any consolation, I will be writing a bunch of posts on what it's like to watch TV with my folks. The following is what took place last night, the first night of our stay, as I joined my dad for Entertainment Tonight.


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I should probably start off by telling you that my father rarely wears pants at home. I'm not sure why that matters, or why I felt like it was necessary to not only include that bit of information here, but lead off with it, but when your father's gigantic testicles are consistently creeping out the bottom of his tightie whities, it sort of has to be mentioned.

Amazingly, when I joined my father in the den last night, he was wearing pants (well, shorts). This might've been because he was on his best behavior, what with my wife being there and all, but based on the fact that my father lives in a constant state of oblivion, I'm thinking he probably just forgot to take them off. Regardless, when I took my seat next to him, he was curled up and concealed on the couch, already ten minutes into Entertainment Tonight.


"What're you watchin, Dad?"

"Ohhh, some news program I like that comes on before Anderson Cooper. I forget the name of it."

"This is Entertainment Tonight, Dad."

"Is it?"

"Do you watch this every night, Dad?"

"Yeah, the skits move pretty fast. It's entertaining."

Now, it was unclear here as to whether or not my father misspoke -- calling the show's segments "skits" -- or if he genuinely thought this was some sort of comedy program where actors performed ridiculous sketches. Either way, the first segment profiled Olivia Newton-John's daughter, who is currently recovering from a massive cocaine and alcohol addiction.

Between interview sound bites with both Olivia and her daughter, ET spliced in quick cuts of ONJ's daughter's music video, "Play With Me", one where she is filmed snorting cocaine, putting a gun to her head and trying to electrocute herself in a bathtub. The last of these three actions brought about legitimate, auditory laughter from both me and my dad.

"I also watch Ofrah's friend, Gail, in the mornings," my dad said outta nowhere. "She has a show with this other guy."

"Nice."

I then asked my dad what he thought of the show's two hosts, a white lady who looks exactly like the type of lady who would host Entertainment Tonight, and a bronze dude who looks like no human being who I have ever talked to in my entire life.

"Oh, they just introduce the next act. I don't even listen to them."

At this point in the show, my mother walked in to talk to me about my Skinny Pete interview, but she quickly got distracted by ET's profile of Richard Simmons, specifically his dyed hair. She then walk out of the room, opened the front door and yelled, "MY PLANTS NEED TO BE WATERED" to no one in particular.

Should I know who Olivia Newton-John is?
I mean, I kinda do. 

Back in the den, I noticed something weird on the sole of my dad's foot. It looked like a blood blister, or possibly a wart, so I asked my dad what was goin' on there.

"I think it's part of a nut," he said.

"Sorry, what?"

"Yeah, this is part of a nut." He peeled it off his foot.

"What are you talking about? Part of a nut?"

"Like a walnut or something."

"What do you mean it's like a walnut or something? Were you eating walnuts?"

"No, but I might've been walking outside without shoes on and stepped on a nut. Although I wore socks to LA Fitness today, so maybe not."

At this time, my mom walked back into the room.

"OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT, A TOOTH? DID YOU TAKE YOUR TEETH OUT AGAIN?"

"Everything is a tooth. She thinks everything is a tooth. Not it's not a tooth, it's a nut!"

"Well get it outta here. It doesn't belong here."

I frantically reached for a pen and paper, trying to scribble all this down as quickly as possible.

"What are you doing?" my mom asked. "Are you writing down what I'm saying? You're writing down what I'm saying, aren't you? I hate you. I hate you all."

My dad then asked, "How do I get on your website? Mom never taught me."

The rest of the episode was pretty much exactly like every other episode of Entertainment Tonight you've ever seen. They did a thing about how Miley Cyrus is ruining the world, announced that it was Aaron Paul's birthday and mentioned something about Khloe Kardashian having a nervous breakdown. All in all, a pretty fantastic start to our two-week stay.

Also, it was an acorn.




For minute-by-minute BLOW-BY-BLOW updates on TVMWW Headquarters moving in with my parents, follow me on Twitter @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this picture of a little girl feeding her cats a giant fish.

5 comments:

  1. Your dad's name is Mort, right? Ever call him Sporty Morty?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. That would be a stupid thing to call a person.

      Delete
  2. Two weeks to redo a bathroom? Is a bun doing the work?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. A bunny is doing the work. His name is Leonard.

      Delete