Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bachelorette Finale: Don't We All Wish We Could Find a Nice, Cool Mortgage Broker


I grew up with a really nice kid named Jason Eisenstadt. Funny dude, dope haircut, had an amazing collection of Hustler magazines. But no matter how many lines Jason shaved into his head or how many titties his magazines introduced me to, I will always remember Jason as the kid who shit his pants at basketball camp. I can still picture Jason the day his ass exploded, trying to act like it was no big deal, eating his ice cream sandwich like it was just another Thursday at camp, only this day he had a lump of shit packed into his spandex shorts, and his older brother kept mushing it against his butt with the soles of his Reebok Pumps. It was a terribly depressing scene, and one that Jason's brother should frankly be ASHAMED OF (it probably scarred Jason forever), but that was Jason's legacy -- he was the kid who shit all over his own butt.

Jason is Chris the mortgage broker. The guy who now has to sit in a pile of his own shit, starting a life with a fiancĂ© who only days before professed her love to another man. Or is Jason actually Brooks? The guy who shit his pants when he realized he might have to propose to a woman on national television, and then ran back home to his Mommy. I dunno -- this isn't really the perfect metaphor for what happened -- I just thought it was a funny story that I could share with my readers who tend to be interested in shitty writing constructed around a shitty premise. What I do know is that this show is absolutely retarded and one day we're all going to live in a fiery hell. We might even be there already. Have you seen Bravo's Princesses of Long Island?

Maybe Brooks leaving really did open Des's eyes to Chris? And maybe now that her eyes are open, she'll be able to see that his poems suck SO VERY HARD. Seriously, doesn't she realize that if she keeps telling him how much she loves his poetry, AND LYING RIGHT TO HIS FACE, that he's going to keep writing them?! And yet despite being the shittiest poet in the history of poetry, Chris (a mortgage broker!) still might be the most put together package in the history of this show: good athlete, great chest hair. But his legacy will always be that of a guy whose fiancĂ© loved a different dude just 48 hours before committing to him.

I spent around 10 mins tryin' to see if you could see Des's panties in this shot.
You can't. 

It's not Chris's fault that his life ended up like this. And it's not Des's fault either. It's the show's fault, because this show is stupid. Des couldn't be with the one she loved, so she picked the best available player (similar to what the Indiana Pacers do every year with the 14th pick in the draft). Maybe Chris is Lance Stephenson? No, Chris is not Lance Stephenson. No one is Lance Stephenson. Well, maybe Michelle Money is Lance Stephenson. That lady was FROM DA GUTTER.

Picture for people who didn't understand the last paragraph. 

We knew Des wasn't going to pick Drew. Especially after she introduced him to Judy the Horse during their last date. It was obvious from the second they locked eyes that Drew was developing feelings for Judy. How could he not? We all were. She's beautiful, regal, and has the rare combination of both a shiny silky coat and sad droopy tits. Oh Judy, you were such an enigma. I miss you already.

But Des preferred Chris (once again, a guy whose passion in life is mortgages), who she claims is "the greatest man she's ever met." Not really that surprising considering the two other men in her life are a guy with Asberger's (her father) and a well-known sociopath (her brother). Three days before declaring Chris "the greatest," the #1 man on Des's list was her mailman. No disrespect to Des's mailman, he's probably a good mailman, but there's no way Des's bro would've approved of their relationship.


Quick second to talk about Juan Pabs becoming the next Bach: Obviously I think it's a brilliant choice. Yes, I'd prefer a black dude, and I'd even prefer a more foreign foreign person, one who really struggles with the English language, but Juan Pabs is a cool guy with a nice personality and has all the makings of a certified sexual assassin. That being said, I still think Des's bro Nasty Nate would've made an incredible Bach too, simply because of the types of women who would've signed up to meet him. Can you imagine his final four?! Definitely at least three black chicks in the mix, and possibly even Ke$ha. I mean, she would've HAD TO have signed up to see if they were compatible, right?



Who cares. Des is happy, Chris sells mortgages, Brooks is a free man, Juan Pabs is gonna tear it up, and Chris Harrison is the front-runner to become the new host of Donahue. Did you see him walking through the audience asking questions during After the Final Rose? What a natural. Only Phil Donahue himself could do it better. RIP Phil Donahue. (Is Phil Donahue dead?)

I'll leave you with this: When Phil Donahue Jr. went into the crowd to ask the audience if Des could really love Chris so soon after having her heart broken, former contestant Jackie The Red Head told him, "Well, you know what they say: love is blind," which doesn't even come close to meaning what she thinks it means and has nothing to do with their relationship.

And yet, it somehow summed up the season perfectly.

Well, we did it folks. We got through another seez. Now what? I have no idea. The weef and I have been watching Breaking Bad, but we're not all the way caught up. Maybe this is a good time to say goodbye to TVMWWMWMWMW and start on a new project? OMG JK ARE YOU CRAY?! TVMWW RULEZ EERYTHANG AROUND ME, TVMWW.R.E.A.M. GET DA MONEY, BUNNY BUN REPORTS Y'ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

Twittsville: @TVMWW


  1. Yo i said the thing to @SkrtelCloner when she dropped that "love is blind" line. It was amazingggg.

  2. What must Chris have thought as he watched the 2 part finale-banger, seeing Des cry so much over Brooks, then slowly and methodically convince herself that she could actually, maybe, sorta, like possibly fall in love with a nice but ultimately boring guy?

    I'll tell you what he must have thought:

    "Wonder what the current 30 yr fixed rate looks like?"